And so time has gotten away again...

Im really slacking on this blog thing lately. I think a lot of thoughts that were going through my head felt safe in my head. And I didnt want to devote the time to getting them out of my head either. But one of the steps to healthy lifestyle and healing is journaling. So I have promised to myself to try to blog a bit more. Even if its just a small paragraph here or there. Its good to get things out, and nice to reflect back on.

I have ditched the holiday blog design, and found one that Grant so nicely modified for me. He added in a wedding picture and took out some filagree. The design is a little fuzzy, especially the circles in the header...but it will do for now. Id like to devote time to a new design in the future, one that I will complete. Instead of running to Grant to do it since hes so much faster at it than me. :p

I started sorting through some of the wedding pictures tonight, so hopefully can blog some of them in the near future. Our Trash The Dress pictures should be available in about a week. Im very, very anxious to see them!!!!

But right now I can barely keep my eyes open, so off to bed I go. Night!

Change

So I have things I want to talk about, but cant really bring myself to talk about them yet. Still gathering and trying to process my thoughts. Or maybe Im just ashamed and dont want to put it out there. Not yet. I will soon though.

What I will blog about is that I need change in my life. In many areas. Im not happy with the person I am. I know I have so much more potential but love to hold myself back. Fear often feels like it controls my life. Im so over fear.

I also want to be a good wife to my husband. He deserves a good wife, and the person I am right now is a mess. Next up will be motherhood, and I definitely want to be a good mom. Im so fearful of being a bad wife and mom. See fear...again. So its time to make some changes. It may take some time, but my life needs an overhaul. Its going to be a long process, that may be overwhelmingly difficult at times....but its very much needed.

Lets hope I can find the strength to begin and stick with this process. Now this feels all over the place..as you can see I have a lot going on in my head right now. A lot that is hard for me to put into words right now....

I Heart Christmas

Christmas is my favorite holiday. It always has been. Its still the one holiday that I havent changed my feelings on even with all the things that have happened with my family in the last couple years. It just makes me happy. The decorations, the lights, the music, the first snowfall (yes I said snow!), the hustle and bustle of the season, the traditions, finding the perfect gift, the food! especially peppermint hot chocolate....just the whole spirit of it. It gives me the warm fuzzies!

Especially Christmas music. It just fills me with joy. I know I sound so cheesy. No matter whats going on in my life, or what kind of day Im having...I can put on some Christmas music and it puts me in a great mood :)

So today I prepped the living room for Christmas decorating. We put up the tree and did some decorating in the living room. I love having the Christmas lights up. Of course we put on Christmas music, and Im just so happy right now. Bandito loves Christmas decorating. He sits and watches us, while the other two look depressed. Not sure what thats all about...I wonder if it makes them think of things from the past. Rusty - my parents, and makes Vinyl think about Sadie. :(

Last night I caught the movie Family Stone. I never saw it before, and really enjoyed it. I really love all the cheesy Christmas movies to. Always a happy ending. :) I think Ill try to watch more Christmas movies this season than I usually do. I definitely want to go see the one with whats his name from Meet the Faulkner's. The dad.....its on the tip of my tongue! It has him and Drew Barrymoore in it. It looks good. I love the movies. I just wish it was a little bit cheaper to go these days!

Id like to make a few Christmas gifts this year. We dont really have to buy for many people, which is a great thing because we are so broke from the wedding. But my crafty side has kicked in and Im itching to make some things...we shall see what I come up with :)

LOVE this time of the year!

100th Post

1ooth post....craziness. When you start a blog you wonder if you will continue on with it to get to milestones like 100th post. What in the world do I talk about...because really I dont think I have that many interesting things to say!

In honor of my 100th post...Ive decided to great a cloud of keywords that gets talked about here in my blog :)

I think my blog is to skinny to really see that....damn 3 column blog. LOL

Happy 100th post smorsablog!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Hard to believe that Thanksgiving is already here. Time sure does fly by, doesnt it?

I am happy to say that I have had a really nice Thanksgiving. I was dreading it last week. Ive been in a huge funk, and quite the Negative Nancy. I keep focusing on the things that are horrible in my life, and I should focus on the good things. Who wants to live their life in such a miserable state? My original plan for Thanksgiving was to feel sorry for myself and stay in my pj's and veg on the couch. Now I know that was a bad idea, but its what I wanted to do. Grant said whatever I want to do is what he will do. Bless that boy, he has been through my extreme ups and downs, and still stands there and supports me. That would be one of the many reasons I love him so much.

So after a session with my therapist, I did come to my senses and agree to spend the holiday with family. Just because my immediate family isnt ideal to spend the holiday with...doesnt mean I should spend it alone. We went to Grants aunts for Thanksgiving. Its his aunts (stepmoms sister) family, Grants parents, and than Grants uncles (or aunts inlaws) family. Everyone wanted to hear about the wedding, so we got to relive that best day of our lives again :) We brought the laptop so were able to show some pictures to everyone. Oh how Id love to go back there right now! Delicious food as usual. This family is italian and are great cooks! And of course even more delicious deserts, my favorite part!

I had a tradition with my parents that we would go to the movies on holidays, specifically Thanksgiving and Christmas. We have done it as long as I can remember. Last year Grant and I tried to attempt that, but Grant got food comatose so we missed out. Grant made sure to not stuff himself this year, so we were able to go :) We went and seen Pirate Radio. I LOVED it! It had a few cheesy parts, but I really enjoyed it. Music is such an amazing thing, and such a huge part of both Grant and my life. I love that about our relationship. So it was a great movie to relate to :)

Now we are at home watching late night shows. Pee-Wee Herman was just on Conan, and he looks exactly like he did when I watched Pee Wee's Playhouse! Kinda creepy. LOL Apparently he is doing some sort of Pee-Wee Playhouse play....

So I thought with it being Thanksgiving, I should post what I am thankful for :) I really am trying to focus on being more positive, and being thankful for what I have. Because really it could be worse, it really could. So here comes my list...

• I am so thankful that I have a job that feels secure at the moment.
• Im also thankful that I have been recommended for a promotion at work. It feels great that my managers have that confidence in me.
  
• Im thankful I have 3 of the cutest, most sweetest dogs ever. No matter what happens, those 3 shower me with unconditional love!
  
• Even though my health isnt the greatest, I am thankful that I know what my health problems are and continue to work on getting healthier.
  
• Im so thankful I was able to live out such an amazing dream wedding!
• Im also super thankful that Grant and I both were able to take a 19 day vacation for our wedding moon!
  
• Im thankful for the friends and family that have really been such a great support system during this very difficult year!
  
• While the loss of my parents has been hard, I am thankful for the 17 holidays I did have with them.
  
• Last but not least, Im super, uber thankful for my amazing husband. My life is complete with him, I realize this more and more each day. I feel very blessed to have my soul mate and best friend by my side through this journey we call life.

Happy Thanksgiving - lots to be thankful for. :) And on that note, its time for bed. Night Bloggers!

Late Night Ramblings

I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I couldnt pick just one thing, so will blog about them all! First of all I feel a little bit guilty that I sort of steal random pictures such as the one above and put them on my blog. Sorry to those of you who I steal your pictures....at least I dont steal your bandwidth to! lol

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I really need to color my hair. Ive been super lazy and been watching TV and surfing the web all night...so I guess Ill have to do it in the AM. I hate coloring my hair the same day I go places because it smells that first day and is always hard to style! Speaking of styling....my flat iron broke while we were in Florida so that is another challenge to. I finally ordered a new one today from www.folica.com. I love that site. I got $20 off and free shipping. Score! I sat here for a good hour debating between a 1" plate and a 1.5" plate. The things I agonize over! I ended up with the 1.5" so I could cut some time off my getting ready time. Im not sure if Ill be able to curl my hair with that big of a plate though. Im sure I can find a demo on you tube on how to use that size to curl. Dont you love you tube?

I really would like to organize my "home" office space this weekend. I keep saying that but it never happens. Its a scrapbook room/lia sophia office/school crap space. Yeah way to much going on eh? LOL If I got it organized it would assist in making some projects as Christmas gifts. I have these ideas but until I get a clean space I wont be able to start them!

Today I went to see my holistic doctor/nutritionist...and I think I may be convinced hes a little hoxy. I forgot my supplements while we were on our weddingmoon, so only been taking my supplements for about 1.5 weeks now. And I ran out of one of them, so havent even been taking everything. Well I go back today, and he starts doing his acupressure thing, and hes like wow this last dose of supplements really worked! You dont need to take two of the five supplements anymore, and you went from a qty of 5 hypothalmax a day to just 1! And now Im in maintenance mode, and only need to come every quarter. Um...I still feel like crap, and I havent been taking my supplements...so how did I end up there?

I didnt make anything to take to Thanksgiving tomorrow, and dont really feel bad about it. We go to Grants aunts house, and her in laws are all there. They are this big Italian family, and lets be real....they have so much food already, and why would they want to eat something I make? LOL

See now wasnt this a bunch of late night ramblings? I guess Ill go to bed now..I can barely keep my eyes open. The weather has been so nice...this would have been a PERFECT year to run in the turkey trot! Coulda Shoulda Woulda, right?

Health Woes

So its no secret that I have some pretty bad health problems. All which mostly steam from my thyroid disease. I have an autoimmune thyroid disease so my immune system isnt the strongest. Which results in getting sick quite often. Lately I dont think I have been taking good care of myself either. There are things I can do that will only help me, but lately I seem to do the exact opposite.

Before we left for the wedding I got a sinus infection. Im pretty sure it was from the crazy drinking at my bachelorette party, and being out in the rain with out a jacket didnt help. I got some antibiotics right away and was feeling better by the time we got to Florida. I was great all during Florida. I had one day where my stomach didnt cooperate. I have been known to have GI issues, but after going to a GI doctor they said it was related to my thyroid. I think its a little bit of both. The day we got back to Michigan I felt a sore throat, and sure enough when I woke up the next day I felt like crap. Sinus infection was back, sore throat, cough, chills, and sweats. It felt like the flu but without the vomiting. I went back to the doctor and got another round of antibiotics. It was a good week before I started feeling better. One day during that week I even starting vomiting. Nothing like taking off 2.5 weeks from work, and than coming back for a few days and calling in sick. What can you do though?

I started feeling better a few days ago, and now Im having some weird GI issues. Its around the same time every day for the last 3 days. I start getting a really bad headache, and than my stomach has sharp pains, and ends in diarrhea. (Sorry if thats TMI) I did take a pill for my back yesterday and some Excedrin migraine, and I wonder if I had some reaction to those....

Than again I get these symptoms when my thyroid levels drop extremely low. Which is a huge possibility that is what is happening now. I know my body, and can usually tell where my levels are based on my symptoms. I have really been trying to give Armour thyroid the benefit of the doubt for almost 9 months now...its not working. I know it has to do with the reformation of the pills that took place around April. My symptoms have really went crazy since than. I have my quarterly appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow so I think I may see if he will switch me back to the synthetic t3 and t4 meds. Those worked for me before, and right now I need something to make me feel better. The fatigue is unbearable.

You really dont realize how much you take your health for granted, until you have to deal with such extreme health issues. Most of the time I dont know if its thyroid related or mental health related. Given the last couples years Ive gone through, it could be a little bit of both. The symptoms are so common that its so hard to decipher.

I just want to feel better. Its so easy to fall into bad habits. But ultimately I control those habits, so I can only blame myself for making me feeling even worse than I already do. They thyroid disease doesn't need any help with more negative symptoms! So enough is enough. I owe it to my health to make smart, healthy, positive choices. Even though some of those choices may seem small to me, every little action helps.

In the meantime, I will continue to self manage my thyroid disease. I am on the look now for another endocrinologist. One that takes time with their patients, and LISTENS. I will continue to see my nutritionist/holistic doctor. And most of all continue to keep researching! Im going on 3 years now battling my thyroid....Im not giving up now!

Lazy Sunday, Fun Times, and Annoying Cold

With the wedding over it really does feel like a lazy Sunday. Still things to do but not the rush, rush, rush...we dont have enough hours in the day feeling. The doggies or should I say, Bandito let us sleep in till noon. That was nice. I decided to get up and Grant is sleeping a bit longer. We didnt get to bed till around 3:30ish.

Ill probably get around to the laundry, work on my resume for a bit (applying for a new position at work), catch up on some Tivo, and maybe read a bit (really digging the book I started last week!). Besides that nothing to much on the agenda. That sounds like a perfect lazy day eh? Wish I was back in Florida laying on a hammock though. That would be a perfect lazy Sunday!

Ive been battling this cold since we got back in town, and Im so over it. Seriously. We went out for a friends birthday last night, and not sure that was the best idea for me. My cough seems to have gotten worse. Bleh. We did have a lot of fun though. We had dinner in Mexicantown, and than headed out to a night of great music. It was a mixture of different genres. First we heard a band, New Music Detroit. They only played for about 20 minutes, but a guy was killing it on the xylophone. It was cool. Next up was Will Sessions Funk Big Band, this band was awesome. It was funk big band, and while Im not a huge fan of funk...I am of big band. And the combo together was really awesome. They played so many different instruments, and I loved it! I would definitely see them again. Than Carl Craig dj'd, and rocked it out as always. Loved the diverse type of music, and a much needed night out for Grant and I. We were getting antsy for some good music since we have been on vacation, and went to a doosy of a party last weekend. The minute that bass vibrated the floor when Carl Craig went on I remembered why we love Detroit so much. We have great music here, oh yes we do. We danced, danced, and danced some more. I dont think I sweated like that from dancing in quite some time!

Looking forward to a short week, which is kind of silly since we just had 19 days off. Getting back into a routine has been quite tough!

Mrs. Goulet !!!

So here I sit on a Sunday night preparing myself to go back to work tomorrow. I have had the last 19 days off. Talk about a vacation eh? As I think about those last 19 days, it was such an amazing experience. It was like an emotional roller coaster. Not the kind of emotional roller coaster I have gone through so many time in the last few years, that took me very high and way down low. But more like a roller coaster filled with so many different levels of emotions that I never knew existed. People were not kidding when they say it goes by so fast. It was like lightening. That's the part that makes me sad!

I checked my work email earlier and sorted through some of the emails. It wasnt to bad actually. I think it will lessen the overwhelming feelings when I go back tomorrow. Im sure Ill get a little cranky without my nap to. LOL 8 hours is a lot longer than you think!

Coming back to reality is a hard transition. It definitely heightens those post wedding blues. Im sure after getting back into a routine, and refocusing on whats next to look forward to, things will feel normal again. :)

Its fun to just say things to Grant and end it with husband. It makes me giggle. Husband. Tee Hee.

Bridal Look Confusion

Shoes, jewelry, dress, hair, makeup, oh my! Seriously its giving me a headache. I have had the worse dress drama with this wedding. But I think Ive finally found thee dress, so now Im on the hunt to finish the look. Who would of thought it would be so hard?

Of course its hard...I can barely put a look together for my day to day life. Im a great candidate for What Not To Wear. Seriously.

The dress I had to emergency order at the last minute should be arriving tomorrow. I feel confident that this is the dress, Ill save that story for another day. Id talk about the dress a bit, but afraid Grant might read this. Although I think he fell upon the dress today, even though he says all he knows it is tea length. He may be telling me that so I dont have a spaz moment. I thought the shoes were a task..but it turns out EVERYTHING is quite the task!

Lets talk shoes first....my dress is ivory...with possibly a little bit of light pink. Now here is the trick part. The property is mostly sand, but the ceremony is in a pergola with a brick path. So technically I could get away with heels. But wedges would probably be ideal. Well I thought either silver or white wedges. Very hard to find. Especially white wedges that arent cork. Ive found about 4 that Im picking from...and with the time constrait I need to make a decision quick. These are what Ive found...




Than there are one pair that I love that is not a wedge, that Im talking myself into. LOL

So Ive been consumed with dress and shoe decisions....I havent even thought about jewelry. The dress has a weird neckline so I think I can get away with no necklace. But earrings would be good. Maybe a bracelet, but I dont want overkill. I love pearls, so have started to look at earrings with pearls. Maybe a pearl cuff bracelet....Im so confused. I also dont really know the difference between elegant and gauty to. LOL Heres a few I like...



Than hair...do I put an accessory in my hair? I havent decided fully on a hairstyle yet. I wanted to go half up half down, so a flower might go good. Or maybe some sort of pin. Im not wearing a veil...so Im thinking something should go in my hair. Maybe something like these...




See all these things dont seem like they go together. Not to mention do these go with a seashell bouquet? Does it even matter? Wouldnt you hate to be my brain these days? It hurts. LOL I think Ill give it a break and call it a night.

P.S. We leave in 10 days!!!!!!

Geez let me remove the dust off this blog!

Kind of ridiculous how long its been since I blogged. 2 months.....pure laziness. Its not like I havent had things to talk about! Well dusting it off and more frequent blogging to come. Pinky swear ;)

Wedding Invites - DIY Pocketfolds

I LOVE our wedding invites!!!!! Grant and I decided that we wanted to do as much DIYing to our wedding as we could. One to save money for our super tight budget. And two - to give everything our special touch :)

So the wedding invites definitely were going to be DIY. We did get some help with the supplies though, so its not 100% hardcore DIY. We used the website, www.cardsandpockets.com, who I HIGHLY recommend. We bought 20 sets of the invites. That set included the pocketfold, invitation card stock, invitation mat card stock, 2 precut card stock inserts, RSVP card, RSVP envelope, and mailing envelope. They have a ton of colors to chose from. They offer samples to which is nice. So before you place a big order you can order the samples, either in the actual product or just small cardstock samples to see if the color is what your looking for or size. So after ordering what seemed like 20 samples, we decided on our color selection.

While we waited for our shipment to come in we started working on the invitation. We weren't really sure what we wanted to go with. Palm trees, star fish, etc. We loved how we designed our website, so we went with that same theme. It worked out perfect! The more we hashed out the details the more excited we got. Dont you love how those small details really pull everything together? We than worked on the inserts. First up was the map. I spent a good 4 hours working on that thing in PowerPoint! After slaving on it I realized it was to big, so we had to adjust. That always happens to me though! The wedding details insert was easier, just text mostly. The last thing was the RSVP. We were debating between a mad libs RSVP or not. We thought some people might get confused so we did more along the norm.

We bought the inserts precut. But they sell them uncut and its a little bit cheaper. Being perfectionist we thought it was better to get them precut. ;) We did have to trim the map insert so we could get the staggered look in the pocketfold. But that was a simple cut. Besides that nothing in the invite needed any additional cutting. Dont worry I didnt get off that easy as you will see as you read on. Ha!

The most tedious part was probably the belly band and monogram. I found our ribbon at JoAnns. I wanted something with a design vs the solid color ribbon, and found the perfect retro-like design ribbon. While at JoAnns I also picked up some card stock for the monograms, and monogram mat. Being cohesive, we designed the monogram to match the website. All the text on our website are in billboard like signs, so we made the monogram a sign to. We were able to print out a ton of monograms out on one sheet of card stock, and than I just cut them up with my handy dandy cutterbee trimmer. I was also able to cut the mats for the monogram out of one sheet of card stock, which I used my lovely trimmer again. This is when the perfectionist in me worked against me! I cut probably three times than I needed to so I could find the best 20 to use. LOL When I was finally satisfied I started to put everything together. I used scrapbooking adhesive which was much easier than glue. Soooo happy with the finish product. Check it out (warning my pictures suck! I couldnt get the lighting right) :












We ran into one big snafu. We printed them at home on our inkjet printer. We weren't sure how that would work but it actually printed them quite nicely. But our printer does not print borderless on custom sized paper. So everything was printing out with this weird border. We just readjusted the design and created a brown border on everything. I actually liked it better. It really brings everything together nicely. The pocketfold is a tight fit so we couldnt mat the inserts (which is what my original vision was), so it all worked out in the end.

I went back and forth on the addressing of the envelopes to. I know there's all these etiquette rules, but honestly we arent really paying attention to them. The envelopes we got had this shimmer to them so I wasnt sure how the handwriting would look. So we ended up doing labels. We created the brown border on the labels to give it an extra special touch. The problem with that was our inkjet printer again...the ink easily smeared. I learned that after about 5 labels. So I had to peel the labels off carefully, and stick them on the envelopes holding on to only the sticky part. Than I smoothed them out with a blank sheet of paper. That effort had to be as good as handwriting didnt it? :) That printer rocks, we didnt even have to refill any of the ink!

Get this....the cost per invite came out to $3.11! Not bad at all! Especially since the cheapest invites we priced were $6-$7 each!

After we finished I sort of wished we would of went with a more daring pocketfold color. Like the orange or green. Besides that one small regret, Im soooooo happy with the outcome! And cant wait to work on our next project :)

P.S. Of course we have a mock up invite done in photoshop that I also have to share. This will help you see the invite in better details, since my pictures are so crappy! Once you click on the link, than click on the image and it will enlarge. :)

http://melissaandgrant.com/images/invitation.jpg

Super Successful lia sophia Fundraiser!

One of the reasons I became a lia sophia advisor was to offer fundraisers, especially to Breast Cancer 3 Day walkers. Being a participant myself I know how difficult it can be to raise $2k+, so I love to help people when I can. Since Im not walking this year I was hoping that I could help another walker by hosting a lia sophia fundraiser for them. And I got that chance this past Thursday :)

Sheri is a friend I met through the Pink Ladies. She has two friends that are walking this year with their daughters. That is $9200 they have to raise! Sheri contacted me and asked if I was interested in doing a lia sophia fundraiser for her friends. Of course I was! Debbie, the host of the party was great. She really knows how to throw a party. We never got a final headcount, but it was close to 50+ people there. In the end I had about 30 orders. I have to admit it was a little overwhelming, but exciting at the same time. It felt good to be in the presence of 3dayers. Ive missed it!

Ive never done a fundraiser or party that big yet, so now I have the experience under my belt. I'd bring a assistant next time, so the orders can get written up faster. And so I have time to talk more to the guests and tell them about the great benefits of lia sophia. I didnt really get a chance to talk to anyone really!

Total in sales: $2280!!!! How awesome is that?! When I do fundraisers I donate my entire commission, which is 30%. Im rounding up so she made $700! Not to shabby for a few hour party. Also, another benefit I do with my fundraisers is anyone that books from the fundraiser show I will donate 10% of that future shows sales as well. She got 2 bookings so she will be getting even more money donated.

Not being able to walk this year I was so glad I could help another walker out :) There was also a Partylite Consultant at the party, so I think with my commission and hers that will put these girls over their minimum to raise. Awesome!

Cant wait to cheer them on in a few weeks on the Breast Cancer 3 Day!

Could Iodine Be My Missing Link?

So Ive talked about many thyroid issues a few times in here. Its been an ongoing issue since 2006 when I was diagnosed with Graves disease. If I only knew what I know now....I would of never had the radioactive iodine treatment. But whats done is done. So I have been on the quest to feeling better since than. Its been a tough road and Im no where near feeling better.

Ive been on armour thyroid since March. Armour thyroid is a desiccated thyroid brand. It contains the same thyroid hormones as our bodies, and provides T4, T3, T2, T1 and calcitonin. The T4 is the storage hormone, T3 is the active, energy-giving hormone, and both are found in a 80/20 ratio in each 60 mg of desiccated thyroid. The T2, T1 and calcitonin are not measured, but it’s there, according to Forest Labs, the makers of Armour. Ive been on Armour since March. I felt a little bit of a change, and than right around Memorial Day I started to take a turn downwards again. Gaining more weight, dry skin, depression, fatigue, and muscle aches. I also started getting a really bad case of hives. And still do get the hives from time to time.

I was reading online that Armour has been reformulated, and lots of patients who never had problems on Armour before are having extreme issues. As I researched further I also read that some people were possibly allergic to the fillers which would explain my hives. I recently saw my endocrinologist and told him what I had found in my research and he blew me off. That was after waiting 2 hours in his office to see him. My TSH level was high so he increased my armour and told me to go see an allergist about the hives. He said to look on the bright side...at least my symptoms arent as worse than when I first came to see him. I just looked at him with a blank stare. The symptoms are worse. Ive never felt depression as bad as I feel it right now. It has to be related! I read about a woman online that was on steroids for the hives outbreak due to the armour, and than the steroids made her so depressed on top of the side effect of depression from the new forumulated Armour that she had to get put on antidepressants for that! Thats just insane!

Meanwhile I went to see my other doctor, hes a nutritionist and practices acupressure. I started seeing him about 2.5 months ago. This doctor listens to me. Explains things to me. And the things he says, make sense! He determined that my adrenals were in bad shape, so he has me on Drenamin and a B12 supplement. When I went in to see him shortly after my visit with my endocrinologist, I explained the same thing to him. How awful I felt, so out of control. And the research I found. He assured me Im definitely on to something. Than he brought up the subject of iodine. Ive read many books on taking iodine as a supplement, but had not found a doctor that agreed with me and would suggest a supplement. Basically your adrenal glands is a backup to your thyroid, so when you thyroid isnt working (like mine), than your adrenals go into overdrive. After working so much in overdrive they basically are way to exhausted to do what they are suppose to do. They still work but they are very weak.

Lets see if I can explain this right (with the help with some trusty websites of course ;)) .....he did acupressure around my thyroid and adrenals while laying down and they were somewhat strong. Than he had me stand up and jog in place for 5 minutes and than lay down and did acupressure again and it was completely weak. Since I have fatigued adrenals, doing any high intensity exercise is causing more stress on them. So I could be doing more harm to myself by running, cycling, kickboxing, etc. Which could explain why I can not lose weight. Its more recommended to do a brisk walk, yoga, and light strength training (not lifting more than 60 seconds and taking one minute rests in between sets). Im doing more research on this to find out what I should be doing....I dont want to try to take the easy way out.

Besides my adrenal fatigued, he also thinks I have a high iodine deficiency. These two things could be the missing links to our puzzle. Iodine is an essential element that enables the thyroid gland to produce thyroid hormones. Three iodine molecules are added to make T3 and four for T4... the two key hormones produced by the thyroid gland -- so iodine is essential to the production of these two hormones of the master gland of metabolism. One needs the proper amount of iodine for optimal thyroid function. Also, iodine is the main component of thyroxine, the thyroid component which controls metabolism. As metabolic rate controls the amount of "fuel" burned by the body for energy, iodine deficiency can result in a decreased metabolic rate, so we need to take an iodine supplement.

So now Im taking an iodine supplement as well. Ive only been taking it for a few days now, but I go back to see him next week. He said I should feel something by than. If not than we will see what else might be wrong. I love this doctor. I truly feel like he cares about how I feel, not what some test says. So now Im on a search for another new endocrinologist. No more 2 hours in the waiting room to see the doctor for 5 minutes. And than have him think its all in my head. Im over it! The more research I do the more these things seem to be right on. Im not getting to excited yet, but am remaining hopeful.

Credit to these awesome websites: www.thyroid.about.com & www.stopthethyroidmadness.com

Acceptance - HYC

So I have come to realize that in the next 3 months I am going to have to learn to accept myself physically for who I am right now. I truly believe that my health is holding me back from having the body I long to have. Although that does sound a little superficial. Its suppose to be about health first, right?

I have been working out for 4-6 days a week for the last month now. I have lost zero pounds. I have lost zero inches. My eating isnt perfect, but it isnt horrible either. For someone working out that much I would think that eating with a few mishaps would be okay. I have been seeing a holistic doctor in addition to my endocrinologist since the beginning of May. I know its a slow process to feeling better but Im not feeling any different. Im still exhausted. Im still fatigued. I simply can not lose any weight.

Do I feel more fit? Yes. Do I feel like Im getting stronger? Yes. So why cant I be happy with that? How come every time I see myself in pictures I get depressed? I avoid pictures at any cost. Which might be difficult to do on my wedding day.....

So I need to love myself. Inside and out. I know theres a 99% chance that I will have the body that I have now on my wedding day. While thats sad, its something I have to deal with. And not let it consume me. I have to accept it. I just keep remembering that first time I tried on my dress. I was maybe 10lbs lighter than I am now, but I can honestly say when I saw myself in the mirror I didnt see the image that I see in pictures now. I truly did feel beautiful. Ill pull out those pictures every now and than (ok maybe more than that. ;p) and I still feel beautiful. I should be happy with that. And I have to keep that in mind.

I need to turn my focus. Maybe focus on weight lifting a bit more. Buff up my arms, shoulder, and back. Accentuate the body parts that my beautiful dress shows off! It doesnt matter what size I am...it matters what the day is about. And that is marrying the man I love. And he has always loved me unconditionally, no matter what size I am. One of the many reasons I love him!

With all that being said, it still is difficult getting to that acceptance point. But I owe it to myself to get to that point!

Not At All What I Expected....

wedding planning. I went to a bridal shower yesterday. Ive been friends with this girl for a few years now, and Im really happy for the couple. They both are such great people. But going to the bridal shower feels like it wasnt the best choice for me right now.Than again its never the right time for me these days.

As I sat at the bridal shower and watched the interactions between everyone I felt a void. I don't have that. I dont have an excited family to plan with. I don't have a mother to help plan the most amazing day of my life. And I definitely don't have a father who gushes over walking his daughter down the isle. While I have many friends, I certainly dont have that best friend to vent to when I need to. It makes me very sad. I know I need to stop thinking of what I dont have and focus on what I do have. But its hard. Very hard.

Wedding planning has been a extreme emotional roller coaster ride for me. Im so excited and happy to be marrying the man I love so much. But maybe I was expecting I would feel differently. More happy. More excited. More positive. But its the opposite. I often feel sad. I avoid wedding planning as much as possible because its just not what I expected. I have 3.5 months till the wedding and have very limited things done. Anytime I start something I get sad.

Im so angry that my life is where it is right now. What did I do to deserve this? Why am I here? Why didnt I stick to eloping? Instead Im hosting events that I think are going to make me more sad than happy.

Is not at all what I expected. Not one bit. Its lonely. Very lonely.

Derailing Is Not Acceptable - HYC

So its weeks like this that could derail me. I'm very good at the derail game. All or nothing. I use to be good at letting derailing win...and now Im trying to focus on beating the derail.

First it started on Sunday. I slept in till noon from staying out late the night before, and than worked on homework literally the rest of the day. No run. I did go to the gym Monday but had the most crappy workout ever. Today I was blessed with my that dreaded friend of the month, and feel like complete crap. Cramps galore. Migraine Headache. Cravings like you wouldnt believe. I decided to take the day off. Took a nap when I got home, did some housework, and than watched some TV. Ill get back at things tomorrow. Normally this type of start to a week would lead me into a careless attitude. Not to mention Im pretty busy the rest of the week. Lia Sophia show on Thursday, Kid Rock concert on Friday, and a bridal shower on Saturday. Those would be GREAT excuses for me to not workout.

Nope we arent playing that game. I decided to take today off and today only. I can fit in workouts on those other days, except for maybe Thursday. Even than I can throw in a 20 minute Jillian workout, or go for a walk on my lunch break. Its doable, and I will make it work!

I also noticed that Im sort of making the same decisions with my food. I have been consistently working out for a few weeks now. So Ive been trying to pay attention to my food a little bit more. I try to at least make 2 out of 3 meals healthy ones. When Im picking out snacks I really think about them, and not grab for the sugar right away. We shall see how it plays out in a few weeks. All I can keep doing is moving forward and trying. Ill have bad days, but thats normal. Like today, I caved into PB twix and 2 Pepsis. But than I had a healthy dinner after that. Its all about choices. Not letting one bad move mess up the rest of the day.

Im just checking that fatitude at the door! Keeping a positive outlook, focusing on what I can do...not what I cant do, and seeing every "mistake" as an learning opportunity.

Lets see what this week shall bring :)

Operation Beautiful

I fell upon one of the most awesome sites while browsing blogs linked to blogs upon blogs the other day. Of course I have to share it!

Operation Beautiful - Ending Fat Talk One Anonymous Post-It At A Time!

We all do it. Fat Talk. Negative Talk. Get down on ourselves. Operation Beautiful has a mission of ending this negative talk by giving random acts of kindness. One of my favorite things to do!

The amazing person that started this wonderful venture is Caitlin. Her original mission was to put an end to Fat Talk, and encourage a positive body image. She has a whole page she blogged on how fat talk is so toxic to us, which can be found here. While starting this journey to end fat talk Caitlin fell upon the Gives Me Hope website. (Which by the way is another amazing website!And in my daily blogs to read :) ) It inspired her to start her own project which is where Operation Beautiful became a reality.

We can all join in on Operation Beautiful, it is very simple. You only need paper and pen. Just write a positive message on a post it and stick it in any public place you want. On bathroom mirrors, work, gym, grocery store, literally anywhere! Make sure you add the www.operationbeautiful.com at the bottom of your post it so even more people can find the website! If you take a picture of your random act of kindness, you can email it to Caitlin (seebriderun@gmail.com) and she features them on her blog. I religiously read the blog everyday now. Its the perfect way to start my day. :)

Seriously when I fell upon this I got the warm fuzzies inside. This reminds me of the Breast Cancer 3 Day. The 3 Day in my eyes is 3 days on how the world should be. The kindness, the huge hearts of people, the positivity, the support....its all so amazing. Big kudos to Caitlin for starting a project that screams so much positivity, and has endless opportunities in how it affects many people! I can not wait to start leaving my own notes and be part of such an amazing project!

One of my Ah-ha! Moments - HYC

So you know how you hear a saying a thousand times, but that one time you hear it it finally makes you go, Ah-ha! Dont you love those moments? I think you hear sayings over and over, and sometimes it just sounds like a broken record. You just dont see any meaning to it. But its that one specific time and place that makes that one saying speak to you in a totally different light. I had an ah-ha moment last week. It happened in cycling class.

I was a little nervous since I had not been to cycling class in a few weeks...actually over a month. As we were warming up the instructor said, Surprise! Its interval day. I thought to myself what did I get myself into?! And than he said, to finish off this great workout we will do a 13 minute hill climb standing up. I thought to myself, I hope I just make it the whole 60 minutes! Little did I know would I not only make it 60 minutes, but this workout was just what I needed

I love cycling class. It is the one workout where I feel like I push no matter what. No matter what is on my mind, or what happened earlier that day, or what mind frame Im in...I still push. Its like the one workout class where I literally let all my worries go and get lost in the class. Running is so opposite than that. I can say sometimes when Im done running I do get that great feeling that I consistently get during cycling class, but its not every time. Running is a much more love/hate relationship. Now cycling class is love only. (Sorry running! I still love you!) Everything about the class I love to pieces. The one awesome thing that always sticks out in my mind is that I feel like Im sweating out all those toxins in my body. And boy do I have toxins! When Im done I feel so refreshed and rejuvenated. This time was no different. The feeling came back so quickly, and I thought to myself you need to put cycling higher on your priority list! Oh how Ive missed you!

The intervals went well. Much better than I expected. Why are intervals in cycling so much nicer to me than intervals running? I think its having that bike underneath me or something...I feel more in control or something. Anyhoo....so as we were rounding the last half of the workout we landed into the last 13 minutes. Its all or nothing I thought to myself. Up the resistance went, and up on the bike I went. Our instructor tries to stay quiet so we can all have our zen place. Its a little hard for him but he does a good job. lol And he picks the most perfect music! Which also makes finding your zen a little bit easier. So after a minute or so I found that zen. As hard as your working, it feels just as relaxing as yoga. As strange as that sounds. The instructor told us to push our resistance up a bit, and when I did that I started to feel the intensity at a whole new level. I started to lose focus for a minute and than he said in a very loud, firm voice. YOU ARE IN CONTROL! THE HILL DOES NOT CONTROL YOU! YOU CONTROL THE HILL! That kept replaying through my head as I pushed out those last 5 minutes. When I was done....I pretty much had the cycling high. Does that happen or did I make that up? Anyways I felt fanfuckingtastic!

So as I carried out the rest of my week, whether it was a work stress situation, a workout I was trying to avoid, or even when making some of my food choices.....that saying replayed in my head again. You are in control! I found an ah-ha! moment. Dont you love those? I havent had one of those in a long time, so I got really geeked over it :) You are in control....such a simple phrase, yet it never really struck a cord with me before. Seriously, I control all my actions. I determine my fate. Im in control!

So glad I went to that cycling class. Another reason I need to go to class more often!

Selective Friendships

Remember when you were younger and friendships were just so much easier? You really had no worries, and knew you would be best friends for the rest of your lives. If we only knew than what we know now.

Recently I ended a friendship. A fairly new friendship, it was not even a year old. It had more ups and downs than I cared to ride out. And when the ride was up, it was great! But when it was down, it was way the fuck down there. Its always sad when you lose a friendship, even if it was an unhealthy one. I know it was the right thing to do, and feel good with my decision. But at the same time still stop to think to myself, why do I find myself in so many "toxic" friendships? Am I the problem? Do I get drawn into these type of friendships for a reason? It really puts me back into a evaluating me stage. Wondering what I could do differently to find the friendships I desire to have.

Going through this situation did make me realize something. I have grown. Although I did see the signs that this friendship wasn't working a few months ago, I did finally know when it was time to step away. Previously I would of engrossed myself in the unhealthiness that it was causing, and clung on to it for dear life. I have longed to find strong, close friendships for quite sometime. Ever since I lost the friendship of one of my dearest friends from my childhood. I haven't necessarily tried to replace her, but have longed to have a friendship that was like ours. Ive come to realize that probably will never happen, and am okay with that. Finally. It only took about 5 years. In previous years I would find myself settling for friends. Settling with the drama, cattiness, bullshit..whatever you want to call it. I would do that just to have a friendship. A friendship that I thought was what I wanted, but it would turn out that it was completely different than what I thought it was. Its like I would have this distorted vision of it, because I wanted the friendship so bad. Denial? Naive? Who knows. But this time I said enough is enough. I knew after going through those down stages...this is so not worth it. Life is way to short to mend things that are meant to be mended. I've really been trying to live my life in a more positive way. And this friendship was pulling me in the opposite direction. I was being derailed. Derailed from the person I want to be. And involved in a cattiness level I didn't even know existed! Im glad I finally was able to come back to reality and see it for what it was.

I have met many friends through this person, and thought this sucks to lose all those friendships. Its been so fun getting to know these girls over the last year, and I look forward to lasting friendships with them. But at the same time my sanity, and mental health comes first. I cant continue down this unhealthy "friendship" path I'm on. If those people I met are my friends, they will still be my friends. Regardless what happens between this other person and I. Actually this is a great opportunity for me to work on my qualities of being a friend. Reaching out and keeping in touch with them. Something that has been a weakness of mine for quite sometime.

And ironically since Ive ended that other friendship, I have had a chance to get together with those other friends more often than I did before. We always hung out in a group, so we just used that time to hang out. When your in a group its defintely fun times. But you don't really get to know each person on a more personal level. Now I'm getting that opportunity, and its great. Not having the extra stress from trying to make a friendship work that clearly wasn't working feels great to. I feel good about the growth I continue to make as a person. I am beginning to understand who I am, what I want, and carry that out. That feels really empowering.

Fresh Start

Something about the first of the month I just love. Its like a new beginning, a fresh start. Wipe that slate clean, and try to make this month better than the last. At least that is how I like my outlook to be.

Unfortunately this morning I didnt have that positive attitude. I defintely woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I attempted to go to bed early last night since Ive been so exhausted. After about 30 minutes I was woken up by fireworks. It sounded like they were being lit off my roof. Well they pretty much were. See I live in a pretty ghetto area. I hate it. But its where I live so I deal. And we are pretty much stuck here due to the economy so we try to make the best of it. Until shit like this happens, than I start to get really pissed off. The house next door to us was foreclosed years ago. And its been empty. For a LONG time. It has given us so many issues, especially one disgusting one in particular. We have dealt with many mice issues due to this. Many, many mice issues. It grosses me out thinking about it again. So when someone bought it I was pretty excited that finally the property was going to be cared for. Well the city forced them to tear the house down. And of course they are not rebuilding. So its just a vacant lot now. Lovely. A vacant lot that 10 neighborhood kids think is their playground, and love to bring in all kinds of shovels and dig up holes. But thats a story for another day.

So last night my lovely neighbors thought it was a grand idea to use the vacant lot to light off these huge fireworks. That started around 10pm and lasted for over an hour. The fireworks were pretty much being shot over our house. Dont these idiots realize they are lighting off fireworks in a weed infested lot and theres a good chance a fire would happen? These houses are to close to be lighting off those big fireworks! Nope, not them. They were tailgating, and having a good ol time. No one on my street would have the sense to think...oh people might have to work tomorrow, maybe we should wait till Friday. If they worked maybe they would understand. But yeah your not finding people like that in this neighborhood. You know people with COMMON SENSE! ARGH!

So as you can image I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tired and cranky. So I was in a foul mood most of the day. I still packed my gym bag this morning, and planned on hitting the gym since I hadnt in the last two days. As the day progressed I thought...I should just go home, and veg. But I didnt. I knew my mood needed some brightening up. I made it to the gym after work, and started in on my 2.5 mile scheduled run. It was not a pretty sight. Struggles through the whole thing. But I worked through it. And through those awful side stitches. Even after taking a walking break for those things, I would usually just stop, but I finished out my last half mile with running. Go me :) I did feel great afterwards. To bad I ruined it with what I ate for dinner. oy! We will focus on the gym part for now :)

So yes, new month. New goals. New beginnings. Fresh Start. July is going to be a good month. I can feel it.

One Focus For Now - HYC

So I havent checked in with the Healthy You Challenge in quite sometime. Its way overdue. Sadly I dont have any progress to really report. I just keep playing this game with myself, and I dont know why. I can say Im going to make a change, but I find something to hold me back. Sometimes I think I dont deserve it.

But I do deserve it. So what I did decide was to focus on one thing, and that was going to be running. I know Ill see improvements with running, and I know seeing progress is what I need. I really loved the way I felt when I was running before, and often long for that feeling. Im only into my second week on this "change". But Im happy to report I stuck to my 3 days of running, and also did 2 days of cross training. I want to minimum run 3 days a week. I figure that I can stick to, and everything else is a bonus. We all have to start somewhere.

I did notice last week what works gym wise for me. I wasnt carpooling because we had to take furlough weeks, so I packed my gym bag everyday and went directly to the gym after work. Only one day did I really have to force myself, kicking and screaming, to go there. And I always felt fantastic afterwards. Now when I carpool this does make going directly to the gym from work a little bit more difficult. But I have to make it work. Recently, Ive found myself hitting a rut of depression, and exercise is essential when Im like this. It really does help my mood. I have to just keep that in mind.

Ive seen a lot of pictures of myself lately, and am disgusted on who I see. I dont see myself as that person in the photos. Especially when Im running. I do feel somewhat fit, but look so unfit. Its depressing. I know my food is to blame. I can not get it under control. I figure Ill stick to my workout goals for now, and than slowly work on my food issues.

So yeah thats it in a nutshell. Consistenty with running. That I can do.

How Michael Jacksons death has affected me

This post is probably going to be deep, just as an FYI. Also a side note: I never know if Im using the right word: affect vs effect......

When I heard of MJ's death I was shocked, as Im sure most of us were. Im a huge MJ fan, regardless of who he has become. I was sadden to hear the news, and that was all it was. Until I had time to digest it to another level. On Friday I went to the gym after work (kicking and screaming I might add, but knew it would help my mood) and every TV had coverage on MJ's death. So as I working out I couldnt help but be sucked into the TV's reading all the captions.

One thing in particular that gave me chills was the 911 call. As most of you that read this blog probably know, my dad passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack a little over a year ago. Suddenly I started to have flashbacks of that dreadful morning. The call I received from my mom with her screaming that he wasnt breathing. Driving 100 mph down the freeway to get to their house. And than the call I got from my sister telling me he was gone.

As I was walking out of the gym (and had all these horrid memories flashing in my head) I saw an elderly man coming into the gym for his own workout. My dad was 69 when he passed. He was older than most people my age dads are. So whenever I see elderly people I get sad. Very sad. And mad. It reminds me of him, and than reminds me that hes gone and wont really reach that grandpa age for my children. Its weird. But I know its part of grieving. So as I looked at that man I got really sad. I wanted to go up to him and hug him. Of course just for me to feel better. I wondered if he has family that appreciates him. I always wonder that when I see an elderly person. The other day I was driving and a guy in the car behind me had what looked like his grandpa in the car, or it may have been his dad. He sat on his cell phone talking, and I saw the elderly man look over at him a few times, and than turn to look out the window. I know Im probably assuming things, but I thought, dude get off the phone! And enjoy the time you have with him. It may have not even been that scenario but those are things that cross my mind often. Sorry got off on a tangent there. So I thought about that elderly man in the gym as I walked to my car. Before I got to my car I already had tears in my eyes. I sobbed all the way home. I miss him so much it hurts. I havent had a cry in awhile so it was probably due.

Now on the other end of the spectrum....the rest of the night I replayed that horrible day in my head. I couldnt stop it. Than as I hear and read peoples reactions about Michael Jackson I also got overwhelmed with emotions. Angry, sad, mad, etc. My opinion on MJ is probably not as popular as most. I truly believe his growth was stunted. He thought he was a child. The things he did was strange, yes, but could he really help it? My mom has that same mentality. Some of her actions are absolutely ridlicious, but her brain is that of a child. And she cant help the actions she does. To an extent of course. Michael Jackson reminds me of my mother. Which I never linked those two before......

As you all know also from reading my blog, Im estranged from my mom because of the actions she did after my dads passing. So than I sat there and thought of my current relationship with my mother, and how maybe what Im doing is wrong. Cutting her out of my life may not be the best solution. Could she truly feel the way MJ felt...stuck in this painful life? The only difference is that I know she is happy with her life right now, at least certain aspects of it. She remarried, still has her same friends, and really has just continued her life the same but with a different man. Someone in only pain I dont think could do that. But I do walk on eggshells around her because of how she might react. Which I feel might be the case of people in MJ's life. I recently mailed her a letter asking her to continue to give me my distance, stop calling me at work, and I would contact her when I was ready. Personally, I have no idea when that would be. I was very careful with my words because I was literally afraid she might harm herself if she interpret my words wrong. As in commit suicide. Is that absolutely insane? Or a little egotistical of me? Probably not since at one time after my dad passed she was throwing herself around telling me that she knows I wish she would of died instead of him, and maybe that would come true one day. I really dont know if shes talk or not, and would not like to press those buttons to find out. So I walk on eggshells. Which in the end really hurts me, and stalls me from healing.

So am I suppose to be the bigger person? Since my mom isnt strong and mentally healthy, and I am. Am I suppose to just suck it up. Let it go. No matter what she does? Just because I know better and she doesnt. How many scenarios have to happen that I have to keep doing that? Especially when it threatens my own sanity? What if one day she is just where MJ is now, and I look back and think...you should of done something Melissa. You were the healthy one. Not her. But can I live my life like that? Do I live my life at the expense of pain, stress, anxiety, and sanity? Its such a thin line that I dont know which side is right and which side is wrong.

Im not sure where Im going with this. I just needed to get this out. But I never expected a celebrity death to bring on so many emotions about the current state of my life. With that being said, RIP MJ, RIP. You were a pure genius, and I hope that you are at peace now.

Some Holidays Will Just Be Sad

So this will be the second Fathers Day without my dad, and while life does seem a bit more manageable now....I don't think holidays like this will ever get easier. When I woke up this morning I was feeling okay, but than shortly after a dark cloud sort of hoovered over me. Grant was going to his aunts for a Fathers Day BBQ, but I decided I kind of just wanted to stay home and let today be a depressed day. Sad I know. But sometimes I just need those kind of days. As long as its just for the day, or a short period of time, and I don't let it turn into weeks. That is when it becomes unhealthy.

I also feel a lot of guilt. I do have one parent still alive, one that does want a relationship with me. And I push that away. For my own sanity. But still part of that makes me feel guilty. I know Im making the right decision, but I think its probably only normal to have these feelings. Still doesnt make it any easier. Ive been trying to talk about this with some friends, but these friends have really good relationships with their moms or daughters...so it doesnt always go so well. Which causes more regret in the end.

I was able to buy Grant a few Fathers day cards yesterday which I wasnt sure how that would go. I handle the trip pretty good for the most part. I was able to move past the daughter father day cards, over to the husband and from the dog cards. Than a few minutes later someone opened one of those musical cards that was playing a Johnny Cash song. My dad loved Johnny Cash. And even use to sing this song when ever we would be four wheeling when I was a kid. A few tears fell, but than I was able to pull it back together. I guess I am healing, although sometimes it doesnt feel like it.

Im glad tomorrow is a new day. And Im back to work, so making money and getting into a schedule is definitely a good thing.

Missing Pieces

So summer is here, which is a great thing. But lately Ive been feeling a little lost. Usually every summer Im so busy with training and fundraising for the Breast Cancer 3 Day. Now this summer Im just as equally busy with summer school, work, and wedding planning. But I still feel this void. This huge sadness. I miss the 3 Day!

I miss cramming in all those training walks. In the sticky, humid, heat. Especially the chats that go along with those walks. Jen and I barely see each other now! It was like my everyday therapy session with her. I miss that excitement I get leading up to the week of the event. Finding out opening and closing ceremonies. Going through the check in process online. Preparing for the event by making tshirts, and finding pink fluffy things to accessorize in. I miss the scrambling around to put on one last fundraiser event to meet my goal. Packing and repacking my bag to make sure its at the weight limit. Funny how when those things are happening you dont realize how you would miss them if they werent there.

The Breast Cancer 3 Day is such an amazing event, and it makes me feel like I have a purpose. I feel so great being a participant. Im saving and chaning lives, literally. So when thats not there this year I feel a huge void. Sometimes I think I need the 3 day more than it needs me! I feel like Im wandering through the summer wishing I had something to work towards. Instead Im wedding planning, and feel like Im failing miserably at it! Seriously, Im so clueless at this wedding planning and afraid Im going to end up with this hokey event. Im sure it wont, and it will all work out in the end. I have to keep reminding myself, its just a different type of planning. Ive planned tons of fundraising events. This one just feels a little bit more pressured! lol

I dont know if this void is what is zapping my motivation. But I seriously have none. I try to do things to find it, but its so lost. I thought signing up for a race might force motivation. I will find races to sign up for, but than I dont do the deed and sign up. The two races I previously had on my blog I never signed up for, nor trained for. Ive added two new ones today. We shall see if I take the dive and sign up for those. I sat down today and made out a workout schedule starting next Monday till October 18th. Its a little overachieverish, seeing that my workouts are so sporadic right now. Going from 1 workout day a week to 5 is probably not the smartest choice. But I have been known to be an all or nothing girl. I printed out this months workout schedule and put it on the fridge. I thought I would give myself a star for the days I worked out. And told Grant he can put whatever he wants on the days Im suppose to work out and dont. Im looking for any motivation at this point!

I want to get excited about something. Something that is health related. I remember the way I felt when I was in great shape going into the 3 Day. Or how I felt after I ran my half marathon last year. I want that excitement again. I need to find that again.

New Blog Design

Why is it so painful to find a new blog design? I was getting tired of the old one, and thought maybe a new design would make me want to blog more. LOL

So I changed it 3 times. Which can get annoying since I change the fonts and colors, which seems like the hardest part. The easiest part is given to me by the great website, www.thecutestblogontheblock.com. They always have great new designs. Thank you!

So I would change it, than come to blog and think...no, no, no. That does NOT work! When all fails I always go back to polka dots. Its my weakness. Same thing happened with my wedding dress ;)

I know this is such an exciting entry. Just wanted to throw a shout to to one of my favorite websites :) Now time to be productive....

Stay At Home Mom Test Drive

So I would say that Im getting a test drive of being a stay at home mom this week. Day 1 would definitely be a failure! LOL

I woke up early this morning to take Bandito in for surgery. First I was surprised by Rusty shitting all over the living room, including inside my running shoes. Not a happy mommie AT ALL! So after gagging cleaning that up, I had to get Bandito to the vet. Poor guy had no idea what he was in for! I got a little emotional dropping him off, which I didnt expect. But he is the baby, and this was his first time being under, so I was a little nervous. I planned on coming home and going back to bed...but that didnt really work out to well. I wanted to try to file my unemployment claim first. Of course that didnt go as easy as I thought it would. Of course after I got all my stuff together and sat down I found out 10 minutes later it was a no go. I wasnt able to file online, and have to call on Wednesday. I wasnt actually tired enough to go back to bed after all that, so just stayed up. But Rusty and Vinyl were already tucked back in bed. LOL

The rest of my day basically was a little bit like this......surf the web, watch daytime TV, surf the web, find something to eat, surf the web, chat online with friends, surf the web, watch some more tv, etc. Yeah talk about being a lazy ass. Before I knew it, it was 4pm and I had to go pick up Bandito. LOL And oh poor, poor, Bandito. He was so out of it. He was walking into stuff when we got home, and would not lay down for nothing. He was whining because he was in so much pain. I felt awful. Finally I got him to lay down for a little while, and I kept petting him till he fell asleep. It appeared it hurt to lay down a certain way to. The worse feeling ever is not being able to make your doggie feel better!

I ended up watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I enjoyed, and than Daddy came home! I told you it was like a stay at home mom. So Grant cut our jungle of a backyard, while I tried out a new recipe for dinner. Just a Mexican Pork Chop recipe. You just add salsa and cheese on top of the pork chops for the last 10 minutes. It was delish! Oh should I mention that Rusty shit again in the middle of making dinner. Yeah. I dont know what his deal is but hes really starting to piss me off.

Now all the kids are relaxing, sort of. Bandito keeps wandering around like hes going to miss out on something. But bedtime is a brewing so he should be relaxing soon to. Hopefully tomorrow I can be a little more productive. I guess I dont get the mom of the year award?

I deserve a few days of do nothing at all though. Hopefully that will bring my stress levels down. But dont we all deserve a day like that? I did break out in another annoying hive today but I think that was mostly due to Bandito having surgery.

Bedtime is calling. Sweet dreams blogworld.