Days With My Father

I was watching the news tonight and there was an interview with this photographer, Phillip Toledano. He has created an amazing project, Days With My Father. Phillip's mother suddenly passed away, and he began taking care of his 98 year old father who suffered from Dementia. He has created a photo journal of the last days with his father. I can only imagine how hard this was to do, and have so much admiration for Phillip to have completed this project. I can imagine what this did for him personally, and also how this touched so many other people.

As I watched this slide show I went through a whirlwind emotions. I cried, a lot. And they were hard cries...where my eyes were so filled with so many tears that the computer screen got blurry. Shortly after that I would find myself laughing. There are some hilarious stories in this project...some that remind me of my own father :) And than of course more crying, with large waves of sadness. Through those tears I would find a smile creeping out as well. It really was a emotional roller coaster. The connection between the father and son in these pictures is so hard to put into words. I could say strong, but it was so much more. You could just feel all the emotions the father and the son went through in each picture. Simply amazing.

It obviously made me think of my own relationship with my dad, and even my grandpa. What strong aspects there were, and also what the relationship lacked that I wish I could of made stronger. Lots of emotions were brought up and Im thankful that they were released. This project helped me have a nice cleanse of tears. I could feel emotions lingering lately, but I kept fighting them. Something I probably do more than Id like. It also made me reflect on my own life. Where Ive been, where Im at now, and where I want to be. Amazing how a project of images and words can touch you in ways you never imagined. Thank you Phillip Toledano for being so vulnerable and strong to make a project like this. You have touched a special part in my heart, and helped in my own healing process. For that I will be forever grateful!

Here is a quote from Phillip himself about the project:

“When I was taking pictures of my father, I felt like someone drinking deeply from the well for a last time, before setting out on a long journey alone. I wanted to remember as much as possible. To see as much as I could, to remember smells, conversations, the light on my father’s face when he smiled, when he was angry. It was very strange, spending time with someone I knew would die soon (we both knew, and where both waiting for it). I did the project never thinking it would speak to other people. It’s funny, now, in retrospect, that something I thought was so personal is so universal. A big part of the project now has been the reaction from others. It’s incredible getting emails from people who want to reconnect with their estranged fathers, after looking at the work. Or from families, who’ve looked at the photos together. I have to say, it’s been an honor to help people.”

I encourage all of you to take a few minutes and check this out. Make sure you grab a tissue though!

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com

The Year Of Me

When I was in therapy last week I was letting every emotion out. I felt like I was reaching a pretty low point. And just overwhelmed with life. I sort of talked a bit about this a few posts ago...

Well one thing that really got me down is I had to drop my classes this semester so we would have the extra money for all of Vinyls vet appointments. Ive finally registered for this interior design class, and was really looking forward to it. It was the one thing I was holding on to that I thought would bring some joy into my life. Don't get me wrong, there are many things great about my life....Grant, the dogs, etc. But I really needed something to help me personally. To light that fire in me again. So I was really looking forward to this. My therapist, being the smart woman she is, reassured me. She told me its okay you can take it next semester. For now you can just focus on you. On getting your health back on track, finding a new job, and just working on making you a happy, healthier person.

What a great concept, dont you think? How come it takes someone to say it to me to realize it than. LOL So since that session I have just gone with that idea. I asked her for some ideas for stress relief and she threw some great ones out there. First of all I have really made a commitment to myself to seeing this exercise and healthy eating thing through. Im sure it wont be all rainbows everyday, but Im going to enjoy the journey. Ive started looking at different classes or lectures that I could take, and found some great ones on mediation, goal setting, etc. I also decided to really seek out a grief support group. I found a 8 week series workshop, From Grief to New Hope, that starts in March. Im anxious about that one, but know it will be comforting to meet people who are going through what Im going through. Even if it is 2 years later. Im really putting myself first for once. Working on me. Because I deserve it.

Can this finally be the year of Melissa? As cliche as it sounds....Im in control of my own destiny. So it sure could be my year. Ive realized how unhappy I am, and how that reflects on different events in my life. I wish I was just more secure and happy with myself during my wedding. So I could of really embraced the whole process. I did enjoy it, but it could of been even better if I was in the right state of mind. I cant change the past, so all I can do is make improvements for the future!

I see some stepping outside my comfort zone in the future.....

How Michael Jacksons death has affected me

This post is probably going to be deep, just as an FYI. Also a side note: I never know if Im using the right word: affect vs effect......

When I heard of MJ's death I was shocked, as Im sure most of us were. Im a huge MJ fan, regardless of who he has become. I was sadden to hear the news, and that was all it was. Until I had time to digest it to another level. On Friday I went to the gym after work (kicking and screaming I might add, but knew it would help my mood) and every TV had coverage on MJ's death. So as I working out I couldnt help but be sucked into the TV's reading all the captions.

One thing in particular that gave me chills was the 911 call. As most of you that read this blog probably know, my dad passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack a little over a year ago. Suddenly I started to have flashbacks of that dreadful morning. The call I received from my mom with her screaming that he wasnt breathing. Driving 100 mph down the freeway to get to their house. And than the call I got from my sister telling me he was gone.

As I was walking out of the gym (and had all these horrid memories flashing in my head) I saw an elderly man coming into the gym for his own workout. My dad was 69 when he passed. He was older than most people my age dads are. So whenever I see elderly people I get sad. Very sad. And mad. It reminds me of him, and than reminds me that hes gone and wont really reach that grandpa age for my children. Its weird. But I know its part of grieving. So as I looked at that man I got really sad. I wanted to go up to him and hug him. Of course just for me to feel better. I wondered if he has family that appreciates him. I always wonder that when I see an elderly person. The other day I was driving and a guy in the car behind me had what looked like his grandpa in the car, or it may have been his dad. He sat on his cell phone talking, and I saw the elderly man look over at him a few times, and than turn to look out the window. I know Im probably assuming things, but I thought, dude get off the phone! And enjoy the time you have with him. It may have not even been that scenario but those are things that cross my mind often. Sorry got off on a tangent there. So I thought about that elderly man in the gym as I walked to my car. Before I got to my car I already had tears in my eyes. I sobbed all the way home. I miss him so much it hurts. I havent had a cry in awhile so it was probably due.

Now on the other end of the spectrum....the rest of the night I replayed that horrible day in my head. I couldnt stop it. Than as I hear and read peoples reactions about Michael Jackson I also got overwhelmed with emotions. Angry, sad, mad, etc. My opinion on MJ is probably not as popular as most. I truly believe his growth was stunted. He thought he was a child. The things he did was strange, yes, but could he really help it? My mom has that same mentality. Some of her actions are absolutely ridlicious, but her brain is that of a child. And she cant help the actions she does. To an extent of course. Michael Jackson reminds me of my mother. Which I never linked those two before......

As you all know also from reading my blog, Im estranged from my mom because of the actions she did after my dads passing. So than I sat there and thought of my current relationship with my mother, and how maybe what Im doing is wrong. Cutting her out of my life may not be the best solution. Could she truly feel the way MJ felt...stuck in this painful life? The only difference is that I know she is happy with her life right now, at least certain aspects of it. She remarried, still has her same friends, and really has just continued her life the same but with a different man. Someone in only pain I dont think could do that. But I do walk on eggshells around her because of how she might react. Which I feel might be the case of people in MJ's life. I recently mailed her a letter asking her to continue to give me my distance, stop calling me at work, and I would contact her when I was ready. Personally, I have no idea when that would be. I was very careful with my words because I was literally afraid she might harm herself if she interpret my words wrong. As in commit suicide. Is that absolutely insane? Or a little egotistical of me? Probably not since at one time after my dad passed she was throwing herself around telling me that she knows I wish she would of died instead of him, and maybe that would come true one day. I really dont know if shes talk or not, and would not like to press those buttons to find out. So I walk on eggshells. Which in the end really hurts me, and stalls me from healing.

So am I suppose to be the bigger person? Since my mom isnt strong and mentally healthy, and I am. Am I suppose to just suck it up. Let it go. No matter what she does? Just because I know better and she doesnt. How many scenarios have to happen that I have to keep doing that? Especially when it threatens my own sanity? What if one day she is just where MJ is now, and I look back and think...you should of done something Melissa. You were the healthy one. Not her. But can I live my life like that? Do I live my life at the expense of pain, stress, anxiety, and sanity? Its such a thin line that I dont know which side is right and which side is wrong.

Im not sure where Im going with this. I just needed to get this out. But I never expected a celebrity death to bring on so many emotions about the current state of my life. With that being said, RIP MJ, RIP. You were a pure genius, and I hope that you are at peace now.

Some Holidays Will Just Be Sad

So this will be the second Fathers Day without my dad, and while life does seem a bit more manageable now....I don't think holidays like this will ever get easier. When I woke up this morning I was feeling okay, but than shortly after a dark cloud sort of hoovered over me. Grant was going to his aunts for a Fathers Day BBQ, but I decided I kind of just wanted to stay home and let today be a depressed day. Sad I know. But sometimes I just need those kind of days. As long as its just for the day, or a short period of time, and I don't let it turn into weeks. That is when it becomes unhealthy.

I also feel a lot of guilt. I do have one parent still alive, one that does want a relationship with me. And I push that away. For my own sanity. But still part of that makes me feel guilty. I know Im making the right decision, but I think its probably only normal to have these feelings. Still doesnt make it any easier. Ive been trying to talk about this with some friends, but these friends have really good relationships with their moms or daughters...so it doesnt always go so well. Which causes more regret in the end.

I was able to buy Grant a few Fathers day cards yesterday which I wasnt sure how that would go. I handle the trip pretty good for the most part. I was able to move past the daughter father day cards, over to the husband and from the dog cards. Than a few minutes later someone opened one of those musical cards that was playing a Johnny Cash song. My dad loved Johnny Cash. And even use to sing this song when ever we would be four wheeling when I was a kid. A few tears fell, but than I was able to pull it back together. I guess I am healing, although sometimes it doesnt feel like it.

Im glad tomorrow is a new day. And Im back to work, so making money and getting into a schedule is definitely a good thing.

Why?

So the last few days have been emotionally draining. Im going to try to get all of this out so I can try to move forward. So I can stop self destructing myself. So I can try to understand my feelings.

Yesterday was my mothers wedding. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. And I didnt stop thinking about it all day. I felt a big dark cloud come over me, and sadness took over. Grant and I went to get breakfast and that took my mind off things for a little while. I called and checked up on some friends that were going through some difficult things and that helped as well. A friend at works dad passed on Tuesday. He has been sick for quite sometime so this wasnt a sudden thing. But it definitely has brought up feelings I dont want to deal with. But I need to deal with them. The anniversary of my dads passing is coming up in two months. I cant ignore that. Even though I want to. When I called Danita to check up on her (her Aunt passed this week as well), we decided to meet up. Now this is the part where I sound like Im crazy. I was telling her about my moms wedding, and how it was literally a few miles away, and I wanted to go see who was there. She said she would go with me. So we went and parked across the street and stalked my moms wedding. What the hell is wrong with me? What was that going to do for me? Nothing positive.

I havent talked to my sisters in weeks, actually months. Ive talked a little bit over email but just a few one liners. The last time I talked with them about my moms wedding was around Christmas and they said they most likely would not be able to support my mom through this wedding. So when we pulled up, the first thing I noticed was their cars. I wasnt sure if Tammy was there, but Kelly and Robin were there for sure. I also noticed a few of my parents friends there. So we sat there for a little while and than they all started to come out. Sure enough both of my sisters and their entire family came out. It hurt. I than saw my mom come out with her new husband which is what I wanted to see. I wanted to see them with my two own eyes. See that it was real. See that she actually went through with it. And she did.

Now I probably sound like some selfish brat. I realize that. Its not that I dont want my mom to be happy. I do. And its not that I expect my sisters to take sides, because I dont. I dont know exactly what I want, nor expect. I guess for once Id like my sisters to be up front about things. Maybe I read into their words to much. But they made it sound like to me that they didnt necessarily agree with how my mom was acting, nor her actions. For goodness sakes she calls my sisters (who are her stepdaughters) and tells her how she has meant the man she was truly meant to be with. He treats her like no one has before. And they have told me how that bothers them. Because their father took care of my mom for 18 years! So to see them there felt so hypocritical to me. They have their reasons for doing what they are doing I suppose, and kudos to them to be able to suppport her. Than again she is not their mother, just their step mother so maybe thats easier for them.

Maybe its jealously? Because my mother is able to move forward. Shes happy, supposedly. Shes remarried already, moving forward, starting her new life. And she has the support of family. Where here I am, feeling all alone, struggling some days to even get out of bed, and feel the support of no family. I feel like an orphan. No parents, no siblings, no extending family. Grant and the dogs are my only family, and sometimes I feel I put to much pressure on Grant with that. Why does my mom get the happiness? Why does she get the support? What she is doing is crazy, and how she is acted is really ridiculous. With everything shes done since my dads passing. But just because that is who she is, she is accepted and supported. Why? Ive confided in my sister, and my BIL about all of this. How Im feeling. How Im struggling. I still feel they arent truly there for me. They dont reach out to much, and I thought maybe they would of contacted me and told me they were going to her wedding, and just wanted me to know. Or called to see how I was doing since they knew I had an invite. I undestand I cant hold expectations to people. They dont know how I feel or what I need. So in that respect I cant hold it against them, but at the same time why do I have to reach out every single time?

Also with my mom. Seeing her yesterday..maybe felt like more closure to me? Made me think Im making the right choice but estranging myself from her? She knows how I feel, and she was able to go through such an important thing in her life without me by her side? Her happiness means more to her than her relationship with her daughter? Than again I guess Im doing the same thing. My happiness means more to me than my relationship with my mother. But in my case its my mental health. She was destroying it. I just dont understand why she wouldnt try to repair our relationship. Why she would go ahead and remarry, even though that may be at the cost of losing her daughter for ever. Is this me being selfish? Why wouldnt the two of them want to have a relationship with me? Why are they rushing everything? They could of taken sometime and tried to mend the relationship with me, as well as with her new husbands sons. Obviously there is a lot of history between my mother and I some of you readers dont know so its hard to understand without the whole story being told.

I dont understand why Im feeling the way I do. I made the choices Im living today. I chose this. But why is it so lonely? Why do I feel like Im set myself up to have no family? Why am I feeling these feelings? It feels so unfair to me, but I CHOSE this. So why do I feel like I regret them? Often I say to myself...Melis this is your only mother, only living parent. She cant help the way she does things, she doesnt know better. You are the stronger one. You are the mentally healthy one. So you should be the bigger person. But than I know if I was speaking to my mom, I would have a lot of anger towards her decisions, and we would still have a very unhealthy relationship. So why cant I just get pass this and move on. Instead I let the sadness consume me. I let this black cloud follow me around, and feel very woe is me. How do I get pass this?

Why does she get to be happy? Why dont I? She is happily married now. And here I am planning a wedding with no family at all, and cry everytime I think about my actual wedding day. Being alone. With no family. And Grant will be there with a very supportive family. I know his family is my family but it just doesnt feel the same.

What did I do to deserve this? Why did he have to go right when I felt things were falling right in place. I finally felt after 27 years that I had a family. A family that loved me. A family I belonged to. And in a second hes gone. Everything is gone. They say everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that. But what is the reason for him leaving me so soon? Because nothing positive is coming out of it at all!

I feel alone. Very alone. As I saw them yesterday I thoughts, wow even with all the actions my mom has taken she still yet has her entire family minus me. While I sit here looking on in on what use to be my family. I try to make healthy choices, and still feel like the unbalanced, outsider.

I try to find the strength, but its getting harder each day.

Flashbacks and Emotions

Sometimes you see things, and dont really think twice about them. Than an event happens, and an object you once saw and didnt give a second thought to just changes. That is how I feel about ambulances. Especially when they are in front of a house, and you see a stretcher outside the door.

Today when I was running up to the store, the corner house on my street had an ambulance in front of it. As I looked at the house as I passed it, I saw a stretcher in front of the door. Flashback. It takes me right back to that horrible day in May. I prayed that whoever that stretcher for was okay, or that they didnt even need the stretcher after all. If something was wrong, please dont let that family go through what I went through not to long ago. Please. When I came home 10 minutes later, the stretcher was being moved inside.

I have so many unresolved emotions about that morning. Flashbacks seem to bring these emotions up everytime, where they feel like fresh wounds once again. These are things I keep to myself (well I do share them with Grant so not completely to myself), and at this point cant seem to let go. I know the ambulance was not called right away, so of course I wonder what if. Once one what if starts, they seem like they are never ending. What if the ambulance was called sooner? Could he have been saved? Why wasnt the ambulance called sooner? What was she thinking? Were those paramedics the best we could have gotten? Why didnt she know he took a whole bottle of nitro in 10 days? How could she not know? Why didnt he tell her? Was he scared? Was he really ready to go? Did he know how much I loved him? Does he know how much my heart aches? Why was he taken at the best time in our relationship? Why? Why? Why?! And the lists goes on. I know I cant agonize over these what ifs. I will make myself to go crazy if I do. I understand this is part of the grieving process, but when will I get over this and accept that he is gone? Will I ever reach the acceptance stage in the grieving process?

I often wonder what the acceptance stage feels like. Will I know when Ive arrived? Once you reach that stage, have you completed the grieving process? Or does it start all over again? Sometimes it actually does feel like Ive accepted, and Ill be doing great for a few weeks. Than BAM! It hits me like a ton of bricks, and Im back at square one. This is such a complicated, HARD, thing to go through. Its very conflicting and confusing. But isnt that what life is?

Back to the what if questions....as these questions raced through my head like the Tasmanian devil...I just let them take their course. Normally this would result in some very unhealthy behaviors. Emotional eating, drinking alcohol, etc. Not realizing till after the fact, I didnt do any unhealthy act this time. Sure I let the sadness sit for a little while, as I kept thinking about that house on the corner. Than I reached out to my best support I have, Grant. We took some us time, and I felt better. It feels like progress. But I know each time the grief hits, its different. Everytime I react different, everytime the level of intensity of is different. But this is life now. Life is different, and that is okay. I'll be okay. I have to be. Damn I miss him so much.

Its Getting Harder To Fight It

The sadness that is. It feels like a big black hole lately. And I just seem to let it consume me. I know the holidays brought on some of this, and my dads birthday is around the corner so that as well is another factor. Lately I just dont have filters on the things that are coming out of my mouth. I even said today to my boss at work, well the holidays werent great for someone who has a dead dad.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

We went and seen Gran Torino yesterday. It reminded me of my dad, I wont say how in case you want to see it. But I couldn't handle it. I left the theater bawling my eyes out. Literally sobbing. It was not a pretty sight.

I dont have the motivation to do anything. Nothing. But sleep, eat, drink, and surf the web. Im eating all kinds of crap. Im drinking way to much alcohol which in returns leads to a few days of extra depression. I know what Im doing, but still chose to do so.

Im hoping the new year will bring some optimism, and change. I will start classes so I will have some things to keep me busy. Id like to start training for my half marathon, so hopefully Ill be a little bit more motivated. And maybe just having that whole cliche of a new year, new beginning. Who knows.

The wedding planning is even stressing me out a bit. We have decided to invite some family, and its adding another level of stress. Although planning any event is stressful and causes anxiety to me. So why would this be any different. We decided on family because Im afraid Ill regret eloping with just the two of us. Im really on the fence about this.....but Ill save those thoughts for another day. Back to my favorite hobby these days...sleeping.

Every Day Is A New Beginning

On my desk at work I have a plaque that reads, Every Day Is A New Beginning. It has flowers on it, with a small sun. I start my workday off looking at this plaque, and sometimes it makes me smile, and other times it makes me think let this be a good day .

Today I needed to remember that plaque quite a few times. Probably about mid afternoon I started to feel sad. Than I felt the grief coming on. I tried to ignore it, but that is never a good idea. I went home for a bit before I headed out to Christmas shop. Im super stressed about my Christmas shopping. Unfortunately I had to wait for a check to come through, 3 days before Christmas. And only half of it cleared, and I have to wait till the rest clears on Christmas Eve. Joy right? Not quite. I knew it was going to be a mad house. But thought trying to get some shopping done today vs Christmas eve might be a good idea.

I had to stop by my old endo doc to pick up my records on the way out. I have an appt tomorrow with a new doc that I was put on a 5 month waiting list. So wanted to make sure I brought the records in hand, in case they didnt get faxed. Like my old office has a reputation of not doing. On the drive there the grief got deeper and deeper. I found tears filling my eyes. I stopped them shortly.

I picked up the records, free of cost, which was great. This office has given me a hard time about getting my records, wanting to not give them to me at all or charge me $1 a page. So when they were handed over free of charge, that was a pleasant surprise. Than off I headed to go shopping. I started my trip towards the mall. BIG mistake. Once I got in the vincinity of the mall, it took me 15 minutes to get a half mile. The traffic was horrendous. I drove through two parking lots and decided I would just hit up Target. I parked about a quarter mile away from Target and headed on in. My first mistake was not mapping out what I needed from what store. So I was sort of lolly gallying (is that how you say it?) which was not what everyone else was doing. LOL So I got bumped, shoved, cut off, and all those good things. I started to get a headache from being hungry, and I was very cranky. I found one item, and thought one is better than none. Than I turned the corner and noticed the lines and put my item down. And left. 15 minutes to get out of that parking lot, and I headed back towards my neighborhood. I was already done at that point. But I stopped at Walmart on the way home. I found a close parking spot and snuck in through the garden area. Worlds best kept secret ;) I found a few things, but felt I could find them cheaper somewhere else. Cheaper than walmart, is that possible? I seem to think so. My headache had increased tenfold now. Im sure these two eposides didnt help it...a rude kid that told me to go around him when I said excuse me. And the other two boys that were playing basketball in the middle of the toy isle and hit me with the ball in the head. :rolls eyes: Than I saw something that my dad would love. I picked it up, than remembered I didnt need to buy it. Tears filled my eyes again.

*sigh*

I decided this isnt working. Im not in the right mind frame. Im sad. Im depressed. Im hungry. Lets call it a night, and try again tomorrow. Unfortunately I dont have time for all of that since I only have two days left to shop! But two days is better than none. I stopped by and picked up some comfort food, Buffalo Wild Wings, on the way home. And the cashier gave me a free pop. That made me smile. Went home, enjoyed my food, and tried to relax. Yes I resorted to emotional eating, sue me. And it was damn good.

Tomorrow is a new beginning. A fresh day. I have this appt that Ive been anxiously waiting for, and am really optimistic about it. Im off work at 1:30 for that appt, and than have two days off work. Ive planned out what stores Ill need to hit up for gifts tomorrow, and will rise and shine early Christmas Eve to hit up the other stores.

So I sit here and remember that plaque I glance at every morning. Every Day Is A New Beginning. Please I need a good new beginning. Even if it is for one day, I could use one so bad right now. Im heading to bed early, and hoping to feel well rested in the morning. And tomorrow I will try again. I know the pain of grief, and life in general will still be there, but hopefully the pain will not be so sharp tomorrow. Ill think Ill wear my favorite necklace to brighten my day. And I can wear jeans to work, and thats always something to make me smile :) Its the small things right now that keep me going.

Its that dreaded day of the month again...

That would be the anniversary of my dads passing. 7 months today. I wonder at what point this day of the month gets easier? Or when I wont be like its the X month anniversary of my dads passing. After the one year mark? Its not like I wake up thinking...uhoh its that day. Usually I feel grief get heavier on this day, and than I think oh yeah its that day. This week has pretty much felt like that to me. Heavy, heavy, grief. I find myself irritable, snapping at people, and just being downright mean. If Im around negative people its even worse. Which is weird since Im being negative myself. But it feels like the added negativity is so emotionally draining.

Ive felt like Ive wanted to cry for a few weeks now, but the tears just wouldnt come out. And finally it happened. I was driving home and a song on the radio did it. Its weird what songs really trigger these things. It was Keane, Somewhere Only We Know. I think it was the chorus part that got me, Oh simple thing, where have you gone? The tears filled my eyes. I was glad I was almost home because I thought I might have to pull over due to blurry vision. I arrived home shortly after that. I sat down and fell into Grants arms and sobbed. It felt good to get it out. The pain doesnt seem to be letting up. It stays the same or gets a little harder. Never easier. I just miss him so much. It literally hurts my heart. :(

Everything at this time of year reminds me of him. I was in Hallmark and seen that Christmas Story lamp. He had one of those and loved it! That was a happy yet sad memory. Than I keep seeing advertisements for the movie, Marley and Me. It opens on Christmas day. One of our traditions was to go see a movie on Christmas day, and he would love to see that one. And we would cry together, because he was always so emotional in movies like that, and wasnt afraid to show it. One of the things I loved about him :) Than I saw this Motown dvd/cd collection came out, he loved Motown/Doo Wop. It would of been the perfect gift. I almost want to buy it and listen to it for him.

Ill be glad once I make it through the holidays. I will get through this. Its going to make me stronger. I have to. I keep telling myself that. I do have to admit that losing my dad has really opened my eyes to the whole life is short motto. So many people forget how blessed they are to have the things and people they do in their life. When I hear them complain about some of the tedious things, I try not to be bitter about it. Its hard to not gringe a little bit inside. I really would like to scream, Appreciate what you have! You never know when it may be gone! But I keep my thoughts to myself. I dont want to be that girl that went off the deep end when her dad died. I think we all can be reminded from time to time, lets appreciate what we have right now...in this moment. Not bitch about what we dont have.

Life is short people. Live without regrets. Tell the people you care about that you love them. And enjoy every moment like its your last.

Lonely

Its just one of those days. One of those days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and you try so hard to turn it around...but no matter how hard you try it just doesn't happen.

Work is just so stressful these days. Im thankful to still have my job, but the stress is still there. Especially being year end and all. Than of course money woes have gotten me down. Feels like I can never catch up on the bills. Not to mention trying to save for a wedding at the same time. I also think handling the holiday season is definitely getting me down. I really, really miss having a family. I just wish I had a mom and dad to turn to. I know no dad I cant change, and no mom is my choice. But it still is hard, and it still does hurt.

Im sure I could of reached out to someone today, but I didnt. Its still hard for me to do that sometimes. Maybe because I dont feel like I have "my person". That one person I could just go to and sit and cry and they would just sit there with me. We wouldnt need to talk. Just be there. That is besides Grant of course. Sometimes I need another outlet besides him. I have lots of great friends, but not that one best girl friend where I let all my guards down with.

So its been a feel sorry for myself kind of day. I have days like this, and they pass. What I would do just to have one more day with my dad. To just hang out. Go to the movies, grab some food, or go get some fries over in Windsor and sit down by the water. Just to have a day with him would be the best. I miss him so much. :(

I think Ill call it an early night. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully emotionally a better one.

Reflecting on the last 6 months...

(I posted this blog on myspace, since I have received so much support on there in regards to my dad passing. I know not a lot of people read my blog here, but wanted to cross post it here as well)

Im not so sure that reflecting is the best word to use, but its definitely what Ive been doing this week. Its been 6 months since my dad passed away. It has felt like 6 years. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

So much has happened during this time. So many changes. So many challenges. So many ups and downs. Just 7 months ago we were celebrating Grant and my engagement with him. And 9 months ago we were celebrating that legally I became his daughter. How can so much joy happen and in a blink of an eye my entire world feel like its been turned upside down?

They say that with time things will become more easier. Easier is definitely not the word I would use. Manageable, maybe. But easier, not really. The best way to describe it is like Im in a game of pitfall. Im walking down this long dark tunnel. And there are pits all along the way. At the beginning of this tunnel, the pits are huge. Very wide, very deep. And when I fell in it, I felt like I was practically drowning. But eventually I would climb out of the pit, and continue on down the tunnel. Than I would fall into another pit. This one still huge, but not as huge as the first. And the journey continues on and on and on. Sometimes when I come out of those pits, Im all alone. Other times when I climb out of those pits I have friends waiting for me. And a majority of the time Im lucky to have Grant and the doggies pulling me out of the pit. Than there is the times when pits just pop up, unexpectedly. Those are the ones that hit me like a ton of bricks. But with each fall, Im learning how to handle each one a little better.As time goes on, each pit gets a little bit smaller, and the light at the end of the tunnel gets a little bit brighter. But a question in my head is will the tunnel ever end? Probably not for a long time. And thats okay. Ive accepted that. Its part of my life now.

Grieving is such a complicated thing to go through. But I am surviving. The first few months were not such a pretty sight. And with the family drama that unfolded within these months it definitely did not help. But I took a step back. Put my well being first, and have just taken each day as it comes. Learning to live my life without my dad. A difficult process, often unbearable at times. But not impossible. I never thought at 28 I would have to do this. But he is giving me strength each day, I can feel it.

Just last week my therapist told me how proud and amazed she is of how strong of a person I am. That she has no suggestions on things I could be doing to handle things differently. Im doing everything someone should do to grieve and heal in a healthy way. That was nice to hear. Because often it feels completely opposite than that.

Not only has it been hard for me, but for the people in my life as well. I really consider myself lucky to have the support Ive had during these very hard 6 months. I dont know how I would have made it without all of you. I love the quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Boy has that been true during these last 6 months. While I hope that these people are in my life for a lifetime, I realize they may not be. So I am thankful to have had them in my life at all. You all know who you are, and you will always have a very special place in my heart.

So as I pass the 6 month mark, I continue to move forward. Continue to grieve, and continue to heal. There are a lot of dates coming up that are going to be difficult. The holidays, his birthday, the 1 year anniversary. But most of all, getting married without him here will be the hardest thing of all. But I'll survive all of those. I'll face each one as they come, remembering and honoring my dad the best way I know how. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and I trust that. Its all I can do.

P.S. The one thing that puts a smile on my face daily, is that we have inherited my dads dog, Rusty. He is this 18 pound toy spaniel, that snores like he is an 80 pound dog. My dad snored. Loudly. Every time Rusty does the snorting/snoring combo, I cant help but smile. When I look closely, I find little reminders like that daily. Its pretty comforting.

Christmas Music - Can I Handle It?

My favorite holiday hands down is Christmas. Crazy eh? I have always loved everything about it. I love the holiday season. I love the brisk cold air, the snow falling, the decorations, hot chocolate, decorating the tree, finding that perfect gift, and of course Christmas music.

So every year I look forward to the day that they start to play the Christmas music. Usually right after Halloween. I love it. Call me a weirdo if you like, but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It makes me happy. I can listen to it all the way through the end of December, and not get sick of it either. Over and Over. Im sure it drives Grant bonkers.

Ironically I have met my soul mate in the Christmas spirit/music loving area. A friend of mine, D, also loves it. I love this girl, and the more I get to know her the more I am like...where has this friend been all my life?! Crazy enough shes been down the street for the last 8 years but we never knew it! lol

But Christmas music is a little different this year. I still got that excited feeling I always get when I hear it for the first time of the season. But as I listen to it, tears welled up in my eyes. It reminds me of my dad. A lot. I remember him always playing it in the car, and singing along. Not only is it just the music, but now the words are so much more intense to me. The meaning behind them is so different than they use to be. Sometimes it sounds like my dad is singing to me. I honestly dont know if I can handle listening to the Christmas music for another 1.5 months. It reminds me of the holidays, and how he wont be around. (Or any of my family for that matter.) But it also makes me smile remembering the Christmases me had together. I guess you have to take the good with the bad sometimes.

Thats my dad with one of his favorite gifts last year. Love how it has a pocket for his remote? :-)

One memory that has been sticking out is riding in the jeep, listening to Christmas music, and driving around to check out everyones Christmas lights. We havent done it together in years...but I remember it like it was yesterday. I wish I had one more season of that.

Its defintely going to be a tough holiday season. But if I keep remembering the good memories, hopefully it will ease the sadness of my dad physically not being here. Ill embrace the Christmas music, and imagine my dad is right there listening to it with me. Because in spirit he really is.

I miss you so much dad!

Dear Dad,

Hi Dad,

How are you? I know your doing great. Me? Not so great. I never realized how hard life would be without you in it. At times I wonder if I took you for granted. I wish I would of made more time to visit, or did more daughter/father days. I know you know how much I love you though. Since you have been gone things feel so chaotic. The family feels like its there, but not in the same way. I walked in the 3 day this weekend. It felt weird to not have you there. I could feel your presence though. You were with me every step, and let me tell you it was not an easy walk. But my favorite by far. Those HILLS are killer, but worth every step. We raised $7.2 million, can you believe it?!

Are you having fun with Sadie? Give her tons of kisses from me. Rusty is adjusting quite well to our household. You should see Bandito and him play. They love to play tug-a-war. Vinyl is even giving him kisses now. Its really cute. Now if I could just get him to stop snoring in my ear so I can get a little bit better nights sleep. lol

Well I just needed a place to talk to you. Let you know I love you, and miss you dearly. I cant wait till one day when we get to see each other again. I know that will be quite sometime, so maybe Ill see you in my dreams soon.

Love and miss you dearly,
Melissa

This song helped me have a much needed cry today...

Be Ok...Ingrid Michaelson

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

CHORUS

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Right around mid afternoon this huge grief came over me. I dont know where it came from, but it consumed me. I tried to sleep it off, and that didnt work. So I started on my to do list for the night. I was side tracked and couldnt concentrate, so I went and visited Ingrid Michaelson's website. I love her. And am excited to see her in concert in November. I wanted to listen to some of her music, and this happen to be the first song I heard. Its like she was singing to me. I sat here and cried, and cried some more. It was a good cry to let out. It needed to be let out. Its amazing what music does for people. How it touches you emotionally, and at times its the only thing that can give you comfort.

Than I was watching an episode of Dog, the bounty hunter. The episode was when Beth said goodbye to her dad and he died. I cried some more watching the last visit she had with him. My heart aches. I miss my dad so much. Im to young to lose him. I wanted more time with him. I needed more time with him.

Accepting the grief, not running from it. Keep moving forward....thats all I can do.