My behavior this week has left a lot of questions running through my head. My plan was to start a running regime this week. Id like to try to run a 5k in October or September. I know its doable since Ive done a few runs on the treadmill in the last few weeks and was able to push out a 2-2.5 mile base. I love how I feel when I run. From the challenge to the strength. So how come I found every excuse possible to get out of it? I need to just get out there and do it. Sure my schedule is INSANE right now, but running will be a great stress reliever. Another thing this week is I have been a gluten eating machine. I have been experimenting in the gluten free world long enough to know that eating gluten effects me in ways that are not pleasant. It makes me depressed, extreme mood swings, and literally sick to my stomach just to name a few! Yet I keep putting more poison in my mouth meal after meal, snack after snack.
So what am I doing? Sabotaging myself? I know sabotage well. I have done it many, many times. So why do I do it? I think its so much deeper than just making bad decisions. Could it be fear? Fear of what the end result could be. I could be successful and/or happy. Maybe I feel Im not worth happiness....or success....instead I like to punish myself. I think I deserve to feel miserable. Like Im not worthy of goodness. Which leads me to believe this is linked to my insecurities. Oh insecurities how Ive worked so hard to beat you! But you seem to still pop up from time to time.
Not really sure where Im going with this. Just thinking out loud I suppose. I guess its good that Im recognizing that I do the things I do because of an underlying issue. Now what I do about that is what matters....break the cycle....something I also have tried many times before. So what am I going to do different this time? Thoughts for me to ponder on......
