Brainstorming Next Tattoo Idea!

Now this is a subject that I love! Another tattoo is something that has been on my mind for quite sometime. The one that has been sitting on my mind is one that represents my amazing experience with the Breast Cancer 3-Day. I was so blessed to participate in my sixth walk this year. It is an event that has truly changed my life, and I want to express that creatively. I dont necessarily want a pink ribbon, but something that represents hope, awareness, and strength.

So as I was browsing thyroid and gluten free blogs this week, I fell upon a an artist. Her name is Allyson Averell. Ally suffers from thyroid disease, and has expressed her awareness through her art. This was taking from her fan page:

I painted this on myself last night because the other day I got fed up with people only seeing my illness when they look at me. Why have you gained so much weight? Why is your face breaking out so bad? Why are you so tired all of the time? Why are you in such a bad mood? Trust me, I deal with these symptoms on an everyday basis. I do not need any reminding. Maybe, just maybe, if there was much more awareness out there, there would not be so many questions. Thyroidism comes in many shapes and sizes, but there is one common denominator that we all share. Every single day we all fight a physical, mental, and emotional battle with ourselves.So through this trying time lets support each other, for we truly are the only ones who understand how we feel. And most importantly, we must raise up together to make ourselves known.

Here is another picture of Ally painting her own artwork on herself. So talented!.

Ally also developed a "Fighter Flies" series of artwork. A thyroid fighting series. These pieces are custom to each person fighting this horrible disease. Love these pieces, and will be placing an order for one of my own! Looking at it everyday will remind me of the struggles I go through day after day, but still I remain strong! Check out the series here!

So this has got the wheels turning.....now first Im going to contact Ally and see if she minds if I branch off her idea. And I never thought I would get a butterfly. The butterfly is the shape of the thyroid. And when I think of butterflies....I see so much. How it feels the butterflies have been released from protecting my thyroid gland....but instead butterflies fly through my systems at all times creating havoc on all hormones, systems, and functions! So Im thinking I could wrap in my 3 day tattoo with my thyroid awareness tattoo. A combined awareness, strength, hope tattoo.

Exciting stuff!!!! Now to research an artist. While I absolutely love the artist that did my half sleeve....I think for this one Im looking for a little bit of a different style. I have some time on my hands...I probably wont dive into this one until late next year anyways.

Did I mention how much I love tattoos? Expressing my growth and strengths through art is so inspirational!

Choices...

Everything we do is a choice. Good Choice. Bad Choice. Sooner or later we get sick of making bad choices right? I think Ive finally reached that point.

I have had a pretty rough emotional day. Some personal stuff going on. That of course reflects into my daily life. So many thoughts going through my head. So many scenarios. So many questions. Its overwhelming to say the least. Today I started to get a migraine around lunchtime. I was eating through out the day, and drinking lots of water....so Im assuming it was stress. Once the migraine hit, my energy felt zapped. It was a little warm in the office today so that may have added to my blah feeling. Its frustrating that Im taking these steps to a healthier me, and Im feeling anything but healthy. I know it will take a few weeks to "detox", but geez these withdrawals are rough.

As I was leaving work I had a choice to make. Go to the gym or go home. The gym is now literally on the way home, so no excuses. I said well this migraine is really rough....but I could at least go and do 30 minutes. Or I could just stop, get a Slurpee, and go home to take a nap. As I was playing these mind games with myself....I found myself getting off the freeway exit to the gym. So my choice was to go to gym. I decided I would jog on the treadmill. Right when I started I could feel my feet getting very heavy. I promised myself to just push through a mile and I would stop. Some days you just dont have it in you...but you still push through it. You give it all you got. And that is exactly what I did. I made it 15 minutes on the treadmill, and than did another 20 on the elliptical. Phew, I made it. Good choice today. Ill take it.

As I move into this healthier lifestyle, a move I have made many times before, I have to remind myself that everything is a choice. Every thing I chose to eat, everything I chose to drink, every activity I chose to do. All of it are factors in this lifestyle. So do I chose to keep making the same mistakes, or do I chose to make me a healthier happier me?

I have a obsession with quotes these days...and this one sums this post up perfect.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Boy is that true.....I think Im ready to be sane :) And on that note, Im making another great choice. Heading to bed early so I can get a good nights sleep. Night blogger friends :)

I Need Some Accountablity

Ive gotten a little off track. Shortly after my 5k, back on the 14th, I got another sinus infection. Actually I think it was the same one just never went away. This time I decided that I would rest. I took that a bit to far by taking off practically a week from working out. Its so hard to get back into the swing of things. I was so bad that I was satisfied and considered a workout when I walked the dogs. No where close to a workout. Trust me. This past week I did get in a two Jillian Michaels workouts, a run, and cycling class. So not to bad for getting back into the swing of things.

Now my eating is out of control. I have always struggled with my eating, but lately its nothing but lots of sugar, processed food, and carbs. I need an intervention. Seriously. I just cant stop putting crap in my mouth! And the pop Im consuming is ridiculous. I need some accountability. I think if I really buckled down on this eating gig than I could see some of these pounds drop. But until I do all those workouts are doing is helping me maintain. Why do I participate in this vicious, unhealthy cycle?

I know that I should make some small goals this week. Just focus on those. Because I cant do everything at once, and maybe thats exactly what Im trying to do. When I fail at the all or nothing mentality, than I think well everything is downhill from here so I myswell go back to my old unhealthy habits. Something Ive always struggled with. I need to figure out how to break those thoughts. Realize that everything is not always black and white.

Tomorrow is a new day. And everyday is a new beginning my friends. With that thought in mind I will make two goals this week. The first one which I feel is the biggest issue is decreasing my pop intake. Ill say that one 20 ounce every other day is feasible. I also want to eat a fruit or vegetable with every meal. These two things are completely doable. If I slip up on other areas I will not go back to the all or nothing mentality. I will acknowledge the slip up, learn from it, and move on. I will also celebrate daily my success with my two weekly goals.

Heres to refocusing, and holding myself accountable!

Can I Have A Do-Over?

Ever have one of those days when you wish you could just go back to bed? Its like a snowball effect...and you think what else?! Please stop! That was the kind of day I had. Damn I hate those days.

This picture is perfect. And it made me laugh, which is a good thing after the day I had!

Lets just rehash my day and see how bad it really is. Or lets just get it out so I can move forward. Whatever makes me sleep better at night, eh? I went to bed at a decent time last night...right around 9:30. So that gives me a good 8 hours of sleep. Well I woke up around 5, and had to pee really bad, so got up to take care of that. And of course had an hour till I had to get up, so by the time I fell asleep I had to get right back up. I think that screwed with me. See with my thyroid issues...I need a minimum of 8 hours of sleep or its hard to function. I got up around 6:15, and started my morning ritual. Prepare the dogs food, shower, flat iron my hair....and I was dragging butt. While flat ironing my hair I burned my finger..twice. I clamped my whole hand actually. Lovely.

Next up was the scale. Dun Dun Dun. It is weigh in day for my Biggest Loser Challenge. I was a little anxious about this weigh in. I was afraid the drinking I had done over the weekend might deter my weigh in..but I really pushed it out the last few days. Sadly, it wasn't enough.

I had a 2lb gain, which takes me back to square one. VERY disappointing, and put me in a foul mood. I know Im having a few mishaps here and there. But my workouts are really being pushed....and its frustrating. If I had a normal working thyroid Im almost sure Id drop weight.

The next few events happened once I got to work. I started to put my things up, change out of my boots and realized that I had Grants debit card in my purse. DAMN IT! I call him and sure enough he doesnt have any cash on him. So I had to head out to meet him. The drive there wasnt to bad actually...given it was middle of rush hour. The drive back was horrid. HORRID! So it took me twice as long to get back. By the time I got to work it was 8:30...an hour and a half after I usually get there. I would be there so late which really annoyed me. What can you do?

I continued on with my workday, and soon realized that one of the hems in my pant leg came unraveled. Lovely one leg was now longer than the other. UGH! Seriously? Everyone and anyone at work really just got under my skin from that point on. Especially one coworker who keeps asking me how to do the same thing day in and day out. Around lunchtime I decided it was time to call it a day. I took a half day. On the way home I just kept replaying how crappy my day was, and decided eating would only make me feel better. Im not losing weight anyways, so whats it matter? So I stopped at Qdoba and got my 1000+ calorie chicken nachos, with a big Coke.

The only happy part of my day was coming home to my furbabies, eating my chicken nachos, and watching Biggest Loser. How ironic to be stuffing my face while watching a weight loss show? Can we say pitiful? Did I feel better? For about 10 minutes. Than the stomach ache started. It felt like I had a ton of bricks in my stomach? So than I felt like crap again. Not just physically, but mentally. Why do I do this? Why do I let food comfort me, when that comfort is oh so short? I know better than this! The best thing would have been to go to the gym!

So the rest of the day/night I just lounged around feeling sorry for myself. Im so lame.

And on that note..tomorrow is a new day. I will make it better than my last.

Reaching For The Stars

Last night I was searching the interweb for info on Jillian Michaels book, Master Your Metabolism. Someone recently told me she suffered from hypothyroid. I am intrigued.

For the record, I heart Jillian Michaels. <3

I found quite a few reviews on the book, and they all had one thing in common. This book is a must read! Some even said its one of the best health books out there. This is Jillians way of getting out what worked best for her, and if I ever get to that point I think I would want to do the same thing! Im open to reading about anyone with thyroid disease. And it really feels like you have to listen to all the stories out there! Hypothyroidism is such a perplexed disease. Its safe to say that a treatment that works for one person, doesnt always work for the next. Nonetheless, what works for one person could be a step into the right direction to your own healthy being. It can never hurt to try new things to help with your own thyroid disease! Im really interested in hearing her thoughts on hormonal imbalance. This is the part that endocrinologists dont really touch on (at least all the ones Ive been to). And its such a huge part of hypothyroidism, and definitely makes my own journey very complex.

When reading this interview with Jillian Michaels, I had a wonderful aha! moment. I love when I have those! I found this interview in Health magazine's, November issue. This is the question/answer that stuck out to me:

Q: In terms of our fitness efforts, where do we go wrong?

A: We sell ourselves short when it comes to capability and potential. We read on the treadmill. We walk. People will be like, “I’ve been walking.” And I’m like, “Really? Really?” [Laughs.] “OK, you walked to the car, and then to the door at the mall, and then you took the stairs, too? Come on, man.”

If I can take a 66-year-old man and train him six hours a day, six days a week, you can do more than just take the stairs! People have no concept of what the human body is really designed to do. They have no concept of their strength! And they function in a zone that is well below what their potential really is.

This is so true. Ive been at the gym so many times, jump on a piece of equipment for 30 minutes and pat myself on the back like I just completed a marathon. And was that 30 minutes everything I could give it? Was it high intensity? Or was it just a leisure workout? More than likely it was somewhere around leisurely. I am selling myself short. I am not reaching my FULL potential. I'm only cheating myself! (As you can tell Jillian is in my head. ha!)

Go big or go home, right?

I have the odds against me with my thyroid disease in the first place, so yes sir I need to go BIG! Im putting in the time for the workout, so why not push myself to get the most out of my workout? Seems like common sense doesnt it? Than why do we so often NOT do it? Because we think we can't do it? Or maybe because we think simply working out is an accomplishment by itself. But who wants to be mediocre? Not me! Making strides in my workouts gives me confidence. I know this from experience. And I want that feeling back again!

With all that being said, today (dont you love first day of the months?), was my first 60 minute cardio session. I did a 3 mile run and than jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes. During my run I got all the way up to 5.7mph! Lately Im lucky if I get up to 5 mph. I just kept pushing myself and it felt great! And guess what? I didnt die. I didnt fly off the treadmill. I adapted to it. Amazing what you can do when you just try!

So excited to see where I am at the end of this month!

Another Pound Gone!

Weigh In day is here again...how fast you came! And Im happy to announce I have another pound gone. Slow and steady wins the race I suppose :)


I felt really strong with my workouts this week. I actually completed five days! Cycling, Running, and the 30 Day Shred. One day I even squeezed in two workouts. I forgot how much I love cycling class. It really has put a fire in me again. And I just saw that they added a Saturday and Sunday class. Another reason to not drink on the weekends, and get my ass out of bed early! Now as far as the eating...I need some help there. My soda intake is out of control. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. And fast food should NEVER be an option. So as you can tell my goals didnt work so well with me. Lets reflect shall we?

Last Week Goals:

• Only one 20 ounce pop every other day - I did good for about 2 days, than had at least 20 ounce per day
• Exercise 4 days - SUCCEEDED! Worked out 5 days!
• Eat a fruit/vegetable with every meal - I maybe ate 1 a day - its a start I suppose
• NO fast food (embarrassing that I even have to type this) - Failed 2 times

So...yeah. I was lucky to lose 1 pound! I have my mojo going with my workouts, so now time to add in another healthy goal. I really want to kick this soda habit. So I need to ponder on another way I can do this. I did buy milk this week. I usually drink pop with my dinner, so now Ive decided to try to drink milk with dinner instead. We shall see how that works out. Im going to focus only on two goals this week, and if I succeed than we will add a third next week.

This weeks goals:

• Exercise: 4 days of cardio, 3 days of strength, 1 day of Yoga
• Whenever I want to drink soda, I will drink milk instead

Okay, no excuses. I should meet both those goals! Im putting all this work into my workouts...why do I want to sabotage myself by eating so unhealthy? Seems like such a dumb thing to do, right? And Im not dummy...so enough is enough! :p

Oh, and a bonus motivator is coming my way. There is a department weight loss challenge going on at work. Basically we just weigh in on Tuesdays at work, but its the honor system. We dont have to share our weights..just the percentage we lost. And we can chose to go into the, "Gamble To Lose" program. We pitch in $10 in scratch off tickets, and if we maintain or lose we dont do anything else. But if we gain than we have to add in $1 scratch off card for that week. At the end of 8 weeks the top 2 losers when the scratch offs. I love scratch offs! And lets be honest...a lot of things dont really motivate me. Ive done biggest loser challenges before, where everyone knew my weight. I still at times couldnt find the inspiration or motivation to do what I needed to do. Instead I showed my gains, almost not even ashamed at times! Sad, isnt it? But something about doing this at work, around coworkers, who see you in the cafeteria eating breakfast and lunch. Now that SCREAMS motivation to me! LOL

So BRING IT ON! :p

The Year Of Me

When I was in therapy last week I was letting every emotion out. I felt like I was reaching a pretty low point. And just overwhelmed with life. I sort of talked a bit about this a few posts ago...

Well one thing that really got me down is I had to drop my classes this semester so we would have the extra money for all of Vinyls vet appointments. Ive finally registered for this interior design class, and was really looking forward to it. It was the one thing I was holding on to that I thought would bring some joy into my life. Don't get me wrong, there are many things great about my life....Grant, the dogs, etc. But I really needed something to help me personally. To light that fire in me again. So I was really looking forward to this. My therapist, being the smart woman she is, reassured me. She told me its okay you can take it next semester. For now you can just focus on you. On getting your health back on track, finding a new job, and just working on making you a happy, healthier person.

What a great concept, dont you think? How come it takes someone to say it to me to realize it than. LOL So since that session I have just gone with that idea. I asked her for some ideas for stress relief and she threw some great ones out there. First of all I have really made a commitment to myself to seeing this exercise and healthy eating thing through. Im sure it wont be all rainbows everyday, but Im going to enjoy the journey. Ive started looking at different classes or lectures that I could take, and found some great ones on mediation, goal setting, etc. I also decided to really seek out a grief support group. I found a 8 week series workshop, From Grief to New Hope, that starts in March. Im anxious about that one, but know it will be comforting to meet people who are going through what Im going through. Even if it is 2 years later. Im really putting myself first for once. Working on me. Because I deserve it.

Can this finally be the year of Melissa? As cliche as it sounds....Im in control of my own destiny. So it sure could be my year. Ive realized how unhappy I am, and how that reflects on different events in my life. I wish I was just more secure and happy with myself during my wedding. So I could of really embraced the whole process. I did enjoy it, but it could of been even better if I was in the right state of mind. I cant change the past, so all I can do is make improvements for the future!

I see some stepping outside my comfort zone in the future.....

Just Breathe

So I have to admit life has been overwhelming these days. Very overwhelming. My health issues seem to have taken a down spiral, Vinyls been very sick, work drama, family, friends, along with everyday responsibilities. I just feel like Im at my threshold. So when I had a therapy appointment today I was really looking forward to it.

That was until I woke up and felt like complete crap. My week long headache had now turned into an unbearable migraine. One that sat right in my eyes. Half way through the work day I started to feel sick to my stomach, very nauseous, and I had a hive outbreak. I know these signs. It means my thyroid levels have dropped really low. On the way home from work I stopped at my endocrinologist and got some blood work done. To bad I had to debate and beg them to do it. My doctor kept saying it was to soon, and to come back in a month. Even after I told him about my symptoms. Nice doctor eh? Hopefully the blood work will tell my story and my doctor will realize its not in my head.

When I got home I grabbed something to eat and tried to sleep off some of my migraine. It didnt work very much, but it did make the migrane a little more tolerable. So off to my appointment I went. I thought about canceling but I know that I really need my appointments these days. So I went. And so glad I did.

My appointment today helped tremendously. More so than the last few appointments. I was able to let out all those overwhelming feelings that Im carry around. Let out in a way where I felt someone actually understood me. I also got to work through some of the stresses in my life. And my therapist gave me tons of information on things to help towards my own self care. It refocused me. I left there feeling optimistic. Something I havent felt in quite sometime. These next few months are all about me. Time to get my health back on track, and really doing things to make me happy. I never put me first, and its critical right now that I do!

Biggest Loser Challenge

Tomorrow I'm starting a Biggest Loser Challenge with some online friends. Ive done this challenge many times before. Very unsuccessful. I'm hoping this time is different. Actually I NEED this time to be different.

So we take take a before picture, every week we send in a picture of ourselves on the scale, and at the end we send in an after picture. The person who has the highest loss percentage after 12 weeks is the winner. Normally there is no money involved, but a group of us have decided to do money on the side. I think its up to a $100 pot right now. Thats a nice chunk of change :)

This group of us on the side made our own little private facebook group. I think that the little competition going in there will be great! I also am trying to commit myself to running a half marathon for my 30th birthday. Well actually its the weekend after my birthday. That would really kick my butt into gear. I havent signed up yet...but think I should. That would be the only thing that would really motivate me. Putting money down that I cant get back!

Any suggestions on how I could make this challenge work for me, and not get frustrated and give up...are greatly appreciated. Because we all know Im the queen of do overs.

I havent been on the scale in sometime...so it will be interesting to see what the scale says in the morning.

Dun. Dun. DUN!

A Complete Mess

When I got back from the wedding I started seeing my therapist on a more regular basis. I was just feeling more down than usual, and felt like I was slipping into depression. I wasn't sure if it was the post wedding blues, or actually depression. What I did know is that the dark cloud surrounding me weighed heavier than it has in the last 18 months. She suggested a psychiatrist who prescribed me Wellbutrin. Why did taking an antidepressant completely freak me out?

I gave it a try for a week and had pretty intense side effects. Which I thought would happen because any medications I take is like that. The worse side effect was this unbearable migraine. At the same time I also switched my thyroid meds. And during that first week I was actually feeling really good. I knew that the Wellbutrin couldnt be working that fast, so assumed it probably was the thyroid meds I was on. I have been on these before and they worked great, so was happy they had the same effect. Ive spent so long feeling like crap that I really felt like a new person. I stopped the Wellbutrin for a number of reasons. I couldnt deal with the 7 day migraine. And there is a lot of connection between hypothyroid and depression. I wanted to let the new medications get in my system and than re-evaluate if I should be on a antidepressant. If it really is due to my thyroid, taking a antidepressant is working against me. I made a promise to myself to give it a month, and stop sabotaging myself with unhealthy habits during this time as well. Habits like drinking alcohol, eating unhealthy, and not working out. If I still feel down after doing those things, than at least I know I gave it my all, and tried everything. Well Ive been on the thyroid meds for almost 3 weeks and I have plateaued. Im exhausted and tired again. And my mood has down spiraled.

Im so torn on what move to make, or how to handle this. If the depression is in fact due to my thyroid, Id like to just focus on getting a normal thyroid level. But what if its not? And being on an antidepressant would be the answer for me now. I wish I could find an endocrinologist that could help and support me better to. I see mine once every 4 months, and literally get maybe 10 minutes max with him. I dont feel like Im really being listened to either. I was very uncomfortable with they psychiatrist I went to, so got a second recommendation from my therapist. She recommended a psychiatrist who has a extensive medical background. The first psychiatrist I went to wasnt very understanding about my thyroid disease. He was like everyone else and thought that I should take a pill and feel better. Its so much more than that. So Id like to go to a psychiatrist that understands a little bit about thyroid disease. Hopefully this second recommendation will be more helpful.

Now with all that being said....situational depression definitely makes sense. With all the things Im dealing with in my life, some days I wonder how Im functioning. Obviously the big issue is my dads passing, and my estrangement from my mom. That has resulted in a very distant relationship with the rest of my family. Those things alone make life pretty hard a majority of the time. Throw in that we just went through the holidays, and got married with only 1 family member present...well I can see how that could cause some depression. Lately I have been having work drama that has really made me miserable as well. And I have so many other insecurities that I could be here all day writing about them. So maybe I am truly depressed. Or maybe its a combo of both?

So what do I do about this? Do I tackle the thyroid issue? Do I try antidepressants? Im still trying to figure that all out.

What I do know is I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to stop continuing to eat the way Im eating. When I stop putting crap in my mouth, maybe I will stop feeling like crap. And exercising is essential at this time. The weight gain is something that daily brings me down, so simple solution is to workout. And working out will only improve my mood. So there is two great reasons to work out. But why is that so difficult for me though?And the drinking alcohol, I need to stop with the drinking. I can fully admit that I drink and eat to feel better and have fun, which is exactly why I need to stop. Because drinking is a downer, and boy does it bring me down. It brings out every insecurity I have, and I usually end up being overly emotional. Nobody should have to deal with that. And why do I want to put myself in that state?

I feel like a complete mess. And there are so many parts out of place that Im overwhelmed on what to do first. I feel alone and wish I could find someone who can relate to me. I have Grant and friends who do support me, but they just dont understand how Im feeling. Id love to have someone who can understand that.

I just want to be happy and normal again.

Reality Check

Well I am have started off this year with a big, FAT, reality check! I know that Im at the highest weight Ive ever been. I know that the choices I make on a daily basis are factors in this. But sometimes you just need something to smack you in the face and say, Hey Melis...you are out of control.

Last week I went shopping to find something to wear for New Years Eve. Now shopping can be quite the depressing activity for me. So I was sort of mentally prepared for it. As usual I couldn't find anything that fit right. I felt ugly in everything. My rolls stuck out everywhere. So I decided what anyone my size would do, accessories Melissa. Accessories. But even accessories were slim. As I was heading back home, I passed an old favorite bra store of mine, so decided to go in and treat myself to a new bra instead. I could tell that the ones Ive been wearing are definitely the wrong size. So I went in and got sized by a consultant. Sure enough I was wearing a size WAY to small. When she told me the size, I gasped. Than I thought she probably is a little off. They usually are. But once she brought the bras out, and I tried them on, she was pretty accurate.

What was the reality check? The bra size was the same size I was BEFORE I had my breast reduction. If that isnt a HUGE reality check, than I dont know what is. The difference this time is that my breast tissue is all FAT. Where before it was more all dense tissue. Its pretty embarrassing actually. I went through so much to get approved for that surgery. Than take in account the recovery process and time....its shameful that Ive let myself get like this! Im sure once I take healthier steps the weight will come off, and Ill have my small boobs back again but its the whole principle! I even had a lift when I had my surgery...now since Im back to the yo yo game of gaining and losing, the lift...well isnt so lifting anymore. :(

So there it is. A reality check. Sometimes you need something to smack you in the face to finally realize you have to make changes. Ive been trying to make small changes in the short 7 days of the new year...and I can tell its going to be a long hard journey. One Ive taken many times before. But it can be done. Oh yes it can be done.

Late Night Ramblings

I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I couldnt pick just one thing, so will blog about them all! First of all I feel a little bit guilty that I sort of steal random pictures such as the one above and put them on my blog. Sorry to those of you who I steal your pictures....at least I dont steal your bandwidth to! lol

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I really need to color my hair. Ive been super lazy and been watching TV and surfing the web all night...so I guess Ill have to do it in the AM. I hate coloring my hair the same day I go places because it smells that first day and is always hard to style! Speaking of styling....my flat iron broke while we were in Florida so that is another challenge to. I finally ordered a new one today from www.folica.com. I love that site. I got $20 off and free shipping. Score! I sat here for a good hour debating between a 1" plate and a 1.5" plate. The things I agonize over! I ended up with the 1.5" so I could cut some time off my getting ready time. Im not sure if Ill be able to curl my hair with that big of a plate though. Im sure I can find a demo on you tube on how to use that size to curl. Dont you love you tube?

I really would like to organize my "home" office space this weekend. I keep saying that but it never happens. Its a scrapbook room/lia sophia office/school crap space. Yeah way to much going on eh? LOL If I got it organized it would assist in making some projects as Christmas gifts. I have these ideas but until I get a clean space I wont be able to start them!

Today I went to see my holistic doctor/nutritionist...and I think I may be convinced hes a little hoxy. I forgot my supplements while we were on our weddingmoon, so only been taking my supplements for about 1.5 weeks now. And I ran out of one of them, so havent even been taking everything. Well I go back today, and he starts doing his acupressure thing, and hes like wow this last dose of supplements really worked! You dont need to take two of the five supplements anymore, and you went from a qty of 5 hypothalmax a day to just 1! And now Im in maintenance mode, and only need to come every quarter. Um...I still feel like crap, and I havent been taking my supplements...so how did I end up there?

I didnt make anything to take to Thanksgiving tomorrow, and dont really feel bad about it. We go to Grants aunts house, and her in laws are all there. They are this big Italian family, and lets be real....they have so much food already, and why would they want to eat something I make? LOL

See now wasnt this a bunch of late night ramblings? I guess Ill go to bed now..I can barely keep my eyes open. The weather has been so nice...this would have been a PERFECT year to run in the turkey trot! Coulda Shoulda Woulda, right?

Health Woes

So its no secret that I have some pretty bad health problems. All which mostly steam from my thyroid disease. I have an autoimmune thyroid disease so my immune system isnt the strongest. Which results in getting sick quite often. Lately I dont think I have been taking good care of myself either. There are things I can do that will only help me, but lately I seem to do the exact opposite.

Before we left for the wedding I got a sinus infection. Im pretty sure it was from the crazy drinking at my bachelorette party, and being out in the rain with out a jacket didnt help. I got some antibiotics right away and was feeling better by the time we got to Florida. I was great all during Florida. I had one day where my stomach didnt cooperate. I have been known to have GI issues, but after going to a GI doctor they said it was related to my thyroid. I think its a little bit of both. The day we got back to Michigan I felt a sore throat, and sure enough when I woke up the next day I felt like crap. Sinus infection was back, sore throat, cough, chills, and sweats. It felt like the flu but without the vomiting. I went back to the doctor and got another round of antibiotics. It was a good week before I started feeling better. One day during that week I even starting vomiting. Nothing like taking off 2.5 weeks from work, and than coming back for a few days and calling in sick. What can you do though?

I started feeling better a few days ago, and now Im having some weird GI issues. Its around the same time every day for the last 3 days. I start getting a really bad headache, and than my stomach has sharp pains, and ends in diarrhea. (Sorry if thats TMI) I did take a pill for my back yesterday and some Excedrin migraine, and I wonder if I had some reaction to those....

Than again I get these symptoms when my thyroid levels drop extremely low. Which is a huge possibility that is what is happening now. I know my body, and can usually tell where my levels are based on my symptoms. I have really been trying to give Armour thyroid the benefit of the doubt for almost 9 months now...its not working. I know it has to do with the reformation of the pills that took place around April. My symptoms have really went crazy since than. I have my quarterly appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow so I think I may see if he will switch me back to the synthetic t3 and t4 meds. Those worked for me before, and right now I need something to make me feel better. The fatigue is unbearable.

You really dont realize how much you take your health for granted, until you have to deal with such extreme health issues. Most of the time I dont know if its thyroid related or mental health related. Given the last couples years Ive gone through, it could be a little bit of both. The symptoms are so common that its so hard to decipher.

I just want to feel better. Its so easy to fall into bad habits. But ultimately I control those habits, so I can only blame myself for making me feeling even worse than I already do. They thyroid disease doesn't need any help with more negative symptoms! So enough is enough. I owe it to my health to make smart, healthy, positive choices. Even though some of those choices may seem small to me, every little action helps.

In the meantime, I will continue to self manage my thyroid disease. I am on the look now for another endocrinologist. One that takes time with their patients, and LISTENS. I will continue to see my nutritionist/holistic doctor. And most of all continue to keep researching! Im going on 3 years now battling my thyroid....Im not giving up now!

Could Iodine Be My Missing Link?

So Ive talked about many thyroid issues a few times in here. Its been an ongoing issue since 2006 when I was diagnosed with Graves disease. If I only knew what I know now....I would of never had the radioactive iodine treatment. But whats done is done. So I have been on the quest to feeling better since than. Its been a tough road and Im no where near feeling better.

Ive been on armour thyroid since March. Armour thyroid is a desiccated thyroid brand. It contains the same thyroid hormones as our bodies, and provides T4, T3, T2, T1 and calcitonin. The T4 is the storage hormone, T3 is the active, energy-giving hormone, and both are found in a 80/20 ratio in each 60 mg of desiccated thyroid. The T2, T1 and calcitonin are not measured, but it’s there, according to Forest Labs, the makers of Armour. Ive been on Armour since March. I felt a little bit of a change, and than right around Memorial Day I started to take a turn downwards again. Gaining more weight, dry skin, depression, fatigue, and muscle aches. I also started getting a really bad case of hives. And still do get the hives from time to time.

I was reading online that Armour has been reformulated, and lots of patients who never had problems on Armour before are having extreme issues. As I researched further I also read that some people were possibly allergic to the fillers which would explain my hives. I recently saw my endocrinologist and told him what I had found in my research and he blew me off. That was after waiting 2 hours in his office to see him. My TSH level was high so he increased my armour and told me to go see an allergist about the hives. He said to look on the bright side...at least my symptoms arent as worse than when I first came to see him. I just looked at him with a blank stare. The symptoms are worse. Ive never felt depression as bad as I feel it right now. It has to be related! I read about a woman online that was on steroids for the hives outbreak due to the armour, and than the steroids made her so depressed on top of the side effect of depression from the new forumulated Armour that she had to get put on antidepressants for that! Thats just insane!

Meanwhile I went to see my other doctor, hes a nutritionist and practices acupressure. I started seeing him about 2.5 months ago. This doctor listens to me. Explains things to me. And the things he says, make sense! He determined that my adrenals were in bad shape, so he has me on Drenamin and a B12 supplement. When I went in to see him shortly after my visit with my endocrinologist, I explained the same thing to him. How awful I felt, so out of control. And the research I found. He assured me Im definitely on to something. Than he brought up the subject of iodine. Ive read many books on taking iodine as a supplement, but had not found a doctor that agreed with me and would suggest a supplement. Basically your adrenal glands is a backup to your thyroid, so when you thyroid isnt working (like mine), than your adrenals go into overdrive. After working so much in overdrive they basically are way to exhausted to do what they are suppose to do. They still work but they are very weak.

Lets see if I can explain this right (with the help with some trusty websites of course ;)) .....he did acupressure around my thyroid and adrenals while laying down and they were somewhat strong. Than he had me stand up and jog in place for 5 minutes and than lay down and did acupressure again and it was completely weak. Since I have fatigued adrenals, doing any high intensity exercise is causing more stress on them. So I could be doing more harm to myself by running, cycling, kickboxing, etc. Which could explain why I can not lose weight. Its more recommended to do a brisk walk, yoga, and light strength training (not lifting more than 60 seconds and taking one minute rests in between sets). Im doing more research on this to find out what I should be doing....I dont want to try to take the easy way out.

Besides my adrenal fatigued, he also thinks I have a high iodine deficiency. These two things could be the missing links to our puzzle. Iodine is an essential element that enables the thyroid gland to produce thyroid hormones. Three iodine molecules are added to make T3 and four for T4... the two key hormones produced by the thyroid gland -- so iodine is essential to the production of these two hormones of the master gland of metabolism. One needs the proper amount of iodine for optimal thyroid function. Also, iodine is the main component of thyroxine, the thyroid component which controls metabolism. As metabolic rate controls the amount of "fuel" burned by the body for energy, iodine deficiency can result in a decreased metabolic rate, so we need to take an iodine supplement.

So now Im taking an iodine supplement as well. Ive only been taking it for a few days now, but I go back to see him next week. He said I should feel something by than. If not than we will see what else might be wrong. I love this doctor. I truly feel like he cares about how I feel, not what some test says. So now Im on a search for another new endocrinologist. No more 2 hours in the waiting room to see the doctor for 5 minutes. And than have him think its all in my head. Im over it! The more research I do the more these things seem to be right on. Im not getting to excited yet, but am remaining hopeful.

Credit to these awesome websites: www.thyroid.about.com & www.stopthethyroidmadness.com

Acceptance - HYC

So I have come to realize that in the next 3 months I am going to have to learn to accept myself physically for who I am right now. I truly believe that my health is holding me back from having the body I long to have. Although that does sound a little superficial. Its suppose to be about health first, right?

I have been working out for 4-6 days a week for the last month now. I have lost zero pounds. I have lost zero inches. My eating isnt perfect, but it isnt horrible either. For someone working out that much I would think that eating with a few mishaps would be okay. I have been seeing a holistic doctor in addition to my endocrinologist since the beginning of May. I know its a slow process to feeling better but Im not feeling any different. Im still exhausted. Im still fatigued. I simply can not lose any weight.

Do I feel more fit? Yes. Do I feel like Im getting stronger? Yes. So why cant I be happy with that? How come every time I see myself in pictures I get depressed? I avoid pictures at any cost. Which might be difficult to do on my wedding day.....

So I need to love myself. Inside and out. I know theres a 99% chance that I will have the body that I have now on my wedding day. While thats sad, its something I have to deal with. And not let it consume me. I have to accept it. I just keep remembering that first time I tried on my dress. I was maybe 10lbs lighter than I am now, but I can honestly say when I saw myself in the mirror I didnt see the image that I see in pictures now. I truly did feel beautiful. Ill pull out those pictures every now and than (ok maybe more than that. ;p) and I still feel beautiful. I should be happy with that. And I have to keep that in mind.

I need to turn my focus. Maybe focus on weight lifting a bit more. Buff up my arms, shoulder, and back. Accentuate the body parts that my beautiful dress shows off! It doesnt matter what size I am...it matters what the day is about. And that is marrying the man I love. And he has always loved me unconditionally, no matter what size I am. One of the many reasons I love him!

With all that being said, it still is difficult getting to that acceptance point. But I owe it to myself to get to that point!

Derailing Is Not Acceptable - HYC

So its weeks like this that could derail me. I'm very good at the derail game. All or nothing. I use to be good at letting derailing win...and now Im trying to focus on beating the derail.

First it started on Sunday. I slept in till noon from staying out late the night before, and than worked on homework literally the rest of the day. No run. I did go to the gym Monday but had the most crappy workout ever. Today I was blessed with my that dreaded friend of the month, and feel like complete crap. Cramps galore. Migraine Headache. Cravings like you wouldnt believe. I decided to take the day off. Took a nap when I got home, did some housework, and than watched some TV. Ill get back at things tomorrow. Normally this type of start to a week would lead me into a careless attitude. Not to mention Im pretty busy the rest of the week. Lia Sophia show on Thursday, Kid Rock concert on Friday, and a bridal shower on Saturday. Those would be GREAT excuses for me to not workout.

Nope we arent playing that game. I decided to take today off and today only. I can fit in workouts on those other days, except for maybe Thursday. Even than I can throw in a 20 minute Jillian workout, or go for a walk on my lunch break. Its doable, and I will make it work!

I also noticed that Im sort of making the same decisions with my food. I have been consistently working out for a few weeks now. So Ive been trying to pay attention to my food a little bit more. I try to at least make 2 out of 3 meals healthy ones. When Im picking out snacks I really think about them, and not grab for the sugar right away. We shall see how it plays out in a few weeks. All I can keep doing is moving forward and trying. Ill have bad days, but thats normal. Like today, I caved into PB twix and 2 Pepsis. But than I had a healthy dinner after that. Its all about choices. Not letting one bad move mess up the rest of the day.

Im just checking that fatitude at the door! Keeping a positive outlook, focusing on what I can do...not what I cant do, and seeing every "mistake" as an learning opportunity.

Lets see what this week shall bring :)

One Focus For Now - HYC

So I havent checked in with the Healthy You Challenge in quite sometime. Its way overdue. Sadly I dont have any progress to really report. I just keep playing this game with myself, and I dont know why. I can say Im going to make a change, but I find something to hold me back. Sometimes I think I dont deserve it.

But I do deserve it. So what I did decide was to focus on one thing, and that was going to be running. I know Ill see improvements with running, and I know seeing progress is what I need. I really loved the way I felt when I was running before, and often long for that feeling. Im only into my second week on this "change". But Im happy to report I stuck to my 3 days of running, and also did 2 days of cross training. I want to minimum run 3 days a week. I figure that I can stick to, and everything else is a bonus. We all have to start somewhere.

I did notice last week what works gym wise for me. I wasnt carpooling because we had to take furlough weeks, so I packed my gym bag everyday and went directly to the gym after work. Only one day did I really have to force myself, kicking and screaming, to go there. And I always felt fantastic afterwards. Now when I carpool this does make going directly to the gym from work a little bit more difficult. But I have to make it work. Recently, Ive found myself hitting a rut of depression, and exercise is essential when Im like this. It really does help my mood. I have to just keep that in mind.

Ive seen a lot of pictures of myself lately, and am disgusted on who I see. I dont see myself as that person in the photos. Especially when Im running. I do feel somewhat fit, but look so unfit. Its depressing. I know my food is to blame. I can not get it under control. I figure Ill stick to my workout goals for now, and than slowly work on my food issues.

So yeah thats it in a nutshell. Consistenty with running. That I can do.

HYC - Week 14

Helllllloooooo out there :) Ive been MIA. Some good times some not so good times. But Im hanging in there. The new gym is up and running and more classes are being added every week. So Im trying a little bit of this and little bit of that. The classes are fun. And Im definitely getting great workouts in everything I try. And let me tell you....going to these workout classes with these rooms surrounded by mirrors on three sides is GREAT MOTIVATION! When your staring at yourself and thinking damn that is me? That cant be me! I have work to do! Its not a fun thing to look at, or to come to realize yes girl you have gotten off track.

Ive also added in some running again. I was able to run 35 minutes/2.75 miles on my first run back. I was very pleased with that! Ive found two races that I would like to run. One is a 5k on May 2nd, and the other is a 10k on May 30th. I haven't signed up yet. But have them in mind. Ill see how the next few weeks pan out running wise.

And I think I may try the cycling class at the gym. I hear great things about it, and how although I may feel like Im going to die...Ill feel great in the end. I have to admit I love those type of workouts. Im feeling good about working out. Now just need to get my food in check more often. I have six months left till the wedding and it is totally doable to reach my goal.

Give up? Not today!

So Ive felt pretty inspired since my post last night. Ive been keeping those thoughts in mind all day today. And its a good thing I did because today was an eventful day for me. In a not so great way. A few situations came up that would usually derail me right back to those things that keep holding me back. But today was different than other days. I took control, and said no.

First, I received a call from my mom today at work. My mom and I are estranged right now. She thought it would be a great idea to call me at work and let me know that my aunt passed away. And throw in digs about how great she is doing. (she is getting married next weekend) I was overwhelmed with emotions. For one, the passing of my aunt. She is my favorite aunt and has been sick for a long time. She has AIDS, so has been fragile for quite sometime. She got anemonia, which is how she passed. I also was overwhelmed with the fact that I was speaking to my mother for the first time in 6 months, and it wasnt my choice. So I decided to go out to lunch, and I was thinking fast food. I needed fast food, fast. Instead my coworker tagged along and she suggested Zoup. I said, that is a great idea. So we went to Zoup and I had soup and a half salad.

Another thing that happened today is I came home and decided that I would move on to level 3 on my Jillian Michaels 30 day shred workout. I got through the first circuit and thought I was going to die. I seriously couldnt handle it. I said, forget this and went to go shut it off. Than I remembered not to give up. So went back into position and just modified the moves where need be. Damn that was a hard workout. Its seriously 5 times harder than level 2! But I made it through without dying. And felt pretty good afterwards.

And lastly, I continued working on a paper for my art class. Ive been working on this paper for the last few days, and I am not making very good progress. As I sat there thinking there is no way this rough draft is going to be done tomorrow in time, so they negative talk started. Who do I think I am going back to school? I cant even write this paper. This was a huge mistake. Im so dumb. Forget it Im not even going to turn this in. Overreact much? I often do. I recollected my thoughts remembering my post again from last night. I refocused, completed a better outline for my paper, and decided Ill take the 5 point penalty and not turn in the rough draft.

In the midst of all this drama inside my head, Grant was letting me know he was going to Burger King for dinner. He asked what I wanted. I sat there for a minute...than said nothing. One of my goals this week is to not eat fast food. Ill eat the leftover subway in the fridge.

Go Mel!

Small changes. Being in control. Taking a minute to re-assess. Keep on moving forward no matter what! In with positive, out with the negative. I feel happy about my choices today :) Take that old Melissa :p

Ashamed To Admit This...

But I need to say it out loud. I need to see it on paper, or on the monitor in this case. I need to put it out there, so its out and no longer a secret. I dont know if it will make me feel accountable or if it will just make me feel more embarrassed but I just feel the need to say it.

Ive had food issues for as long as I can remember. And getting to the bottom of things and understanding why I make the choices I do seems to be a never ending process. I guess its all a work in progress. But what I did this weekend was really rock bottom.

So Ive never binged ate before. Well I never considered it binge eating. Where I actually consumed an insane amount of calories in a short period of time. But when I do things like I'm about to mention it does feel like it could be a mild case of binge eating. Or maybe borderline binge eating/emotional eating.

Anyways, on Saturday I was going out to the bar with some girlfriends and I thought I would go see if I could find something new to wear. I need to go shopping for new clothes badly, repeating the same few outfits that fit is getting old really quick. And of course its nice to feel cute in something new when your going out with the girls. So I attempted to go find a cute shirt. Of course everything was to tight, or to big. I cant fit in a medium without my back fat bulging out, or my rolls in the front looking like I may be pregnant. And when I went up a size it was just to baggy where it was just as unflattering. I couldnt find a thing. Of course it put me in a panicky mode. Not panic that I couldnt find anything, panic that Ive let myself get to this point Ive been so many times before. Instead of just rolling with the punches of course I let it get the best of me. I let the negative talk creep in, and just started putting myself down. Feeling like a loser. I should have remembered a comment Karen left on a blog I wrote earlier this week, Be nice to yourself. But I didnt.

When I left the store all I kept thinking was what can I eat? Eating will make me feel better. Something cheesy or greasy will do the trick. And wouldn't you know there was a Little Ceasers right inside the shopping center. So off I went. I ordered crazy bread with a Pepsi. The guy looked at me and said, thats all? I said yep. I felt guilty like he knew I was going to stuff that bread in my face like there was no tomorrow. I went back to my car, and sat in that parking lot and ate that entire order of bread in what felt like less than five minutes. Why did I eat it in my car? Because I didnt want to face Grant. I was embarrassed. I ate in hiding. And trashed the evidence in a trashcan at the bank on the way home.

Seriously? What is my problem? I never did anything like that before. And it felt very wrong, but very good at the same time. I guess I have a bigger battle with food addiction than I think I do. I cant believe I just typed this out.