Sabotage? Fear? Insecurity?

My behavior this week has left a lot of questions running through my head. My plan was to start a running regime this week. Id like to try to run a 5k in October or September. I know its doable since Ive done a few runs on the treadmill in the last few weeks and was able to push out a 2-2.5 mile base. I love how I feel when I run. From the challenge to the strength. So how come I found every excuse possible to get out of it? I need to just get out there and do it. Sure my schedule is INSANE right now, but running will be a great stress reliever.

Another thing this week is I have been a gluten eating machine. I have been experimenting in the gluten free world long enough to know that eating gluten effects me in ways that are not pleasant. It makes me depressed, extreme mood swings, and literally sick to my stomach just to name a few! Yet I keep putting more poison in my mouth meal after meal, snack after snack.

So what am I doing? Sabotaging myself? I know sabotage well. I have done it many, many times. So why do I do it? I think its so much deeper than just making bad decisions. Could it be fear? Fear of what the end result could be. I could be successful and/or happy. Maybe I feel Im not worth happiness....or success....instead I like to punish myself. I think I deserve to feel miserable. Like Im not worthy of goodness. Which leads me to believe this is linked to my insecurities. Oh insecurities how Ive worked so hard to beat you! But you seem to still pop up from time to time.

Not really sure where Im going with this. Just thinking out loud I suppose. I guess its good that Im recognizing that I do the things I do because of an underlying issue. Now what I do about that is what matters....break the cycle....something I also have tried many times before. So what am I going to do different this time? Thoughts for me to ponder on......

Brainstorming Next Tattoo Idea!

Now this is a subject that I love! Another tattoo is something that has been on my mind for quite sometime. The one that has been sitting on my mind is one that represents my amazing experience with the Breast Cancer 3-Day. I was so blessed to participate in my sixth walk this year. It is an event that has truly changed my life, and I want to express that creatively. I dont necessarily want a pink ribbon, but something that represents hope, awareness, and strength.

So as I was browsing thyroid and gluten free blogs this week, I fell upon a an artist. Her name is Allyson Averell. Ally suffers from thyroid disease, and has expressed her awareness through her art. This was taking from her fan page:

I painted this on myself last night because the other day I got fed up with people only seeing my illness when they look at me. Why have you gained so much weight? Why is your face breaking out so bad? Why are you so tired all of the time? Why are you in such a bad mood? Trust me, I deal with these symptoms on an everyday basis. I do not need any reminding. Maybe, just maybe, if there was much more awareness out there, there would not be so many questions. Thyroidism comes in many shapes and sizes, but there is one common denominator that we all share. Every single day we all fight a physical, mental, and emotional battle with ourselves.So through this trying time lets support each other, for we truly are the only ones who understand how we feel. And most importantly, we must raise up together to make ourselves known.

Here is another picture of Ally painting her own artwork on herself. So talented!.

Ally also developed a "Fighter Flies" series of artwork. A thyroid fighting series. These pieces are custom to each person fighting this horrible disease. Love these pieces, and will be placing an order for one of my own! Looking at it everyday will remind me of the struggles I go through day after day, but still I remain strong! Check out the series here!

So this has got the wheels turning.....now first Im going to contact Ally and see if she minds if I branch off her idea. And I never thought I would get a butterfly. The butterfly is the shape of the thyroid. And when I think of butterflies....I see so much. How it feels the butterflies have been released from protecting my thyroid gland....but instead butterflies fly through my systems at all times creating havoc on all hormones, systems, and functions! So Im thinking I could wrap in my 3 day tattoo with my thyroid awareness tattoo. A combined awareness, strength, hope tattoo.

Exciting stuff!!!! Now to research an artist. While I absolutely love the artist that did my half sleeve....I think for this one Im looking for a little bit of a different style. I have some time on my hands...I probably wont dive into this one until late next year anyways.

Did I mention how much I love tattoos? Expressing my growth and strengths through art is so inspirational!

Choices...

Everything we do is a choice. Good Choice. Bad Choice. Sooner or later we get sick of making bad choices right? I think Ive finally reached that point.

I have had a pretty rough emotional day. Some personal stuff going on. That of course reflects into my daily life. So many thoughts going through my head. So many scenarios. So many questions. Its overwhelming to say the least. Today I started to get a migraine around lunchtime. I was eating through out the day, and drinking lots of water....so Im assuming it was stress. Once the migraine hit, my energy felt zapped. It was a little warm in the office today so that may have added to my blah feeling. Its frustrating that Im taking these steps to a healthier me, and Im feeling anything but healthy. I know it will take a few weeks to "detox", but geez these withdrawals are rough.

As I was leaving work I had a choice to make. Go to the gym or go home. The gym is now literally on the way home, so no excuses. I said well this migraine is really rough....but I could at least go and do 30 minutes. Or I could just stop, get a Slurpee, and go home to take a nap. As I was playing these mind games with myself....I found myself getting off the freeway exit to the gym. So my choice was to go to gym. I decided I would jog on the treadmill. Right when I started I could feel my feet getting very heavy. I promised myself to just push through a mile and I would stop. Some days you just dont have it in you...but you still push through it. You give it all you got. And that is exactly what I did. I made it 15 minutes on the treadmill, and than did another 20 on the elliptical. Phew, I made it. Good choice today. Ill take it.

As I move into this healthier lifestyle, a move I have made many times before, I have to remind myself that everything is a choice. Every thing I chose to eat, everything I chose to drink, every activity I chose to do. All of it are factors in this lifestyle. So do I chose to keep making the same mistakes, or do I chose to make me a healthier happier me?

I have a obsession with quotes these days...and this one sums this post up perfect.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Boy is that true.....I think Im ready to be sane :) And on that note, Im making another great choice. Heading to bed early so I can get a good nights sleep. Night blogger friends :)

Why Is Change So Hard?

I have been working on change. Its a work in progress, and while Id like to think that Im moving forward...Im beginning to think Im just standing in place.

I know what I want. I know what I need to do to get there. Im even doing some of those things. But than I go back to old habits, and sabotage the change. So much like this picture I bounce between old and new, old and new, old and new. Its like Im in a game of ping pong. So why am I doing this? Why am I resisting? What am I scared of?

These are questions that have been racing through my mind for the last week. Change looks so promising. So pleasant. So where I want to be. But taking that leap feels like jumping into on coming traffic. I look at the old me and like the safety. Its comforting, and what I know. But at the same time its everything I dont want to be. It has this dark cloud surrounding it. I can see the pain and negativity smothering me. Why would I want to stay like that? Theres a part of me that is scared of taking the steps to a changed me and leaving all that "safeness" behind. Can I survive that in between period? What if its lonely? What if I feel like I made the wrong choices? What if I fail at change?

Isnt this crazy? Obviously Im unhappy with where or what I am, or I wouldnt even be thinking of change. I should want the best for me. To bring out the greatness in me. To become that person I know I can be. How do I get through this? How to I stop thinking, and start doing? When is enough? When do I finally say, this is it! I am taking the risk to becoming a happier me. If that means leaving things behind, than so be it. If that means feeling uncomfortable for a little bit, than so be it. Because I have to trust that when I get to that change...it will be so worth it.

I hope Im to that point soon. Because I dont want to play ping pong anymore.

Reaching For The Stars

Last night I was searching the interweb for info on Jillian Michaels book, Master Your Metabolism. Someone recently told me she suffered from hypothyroid. I am intrigued.

For the record, I heart Jillian Michaels. <3

I found quite a few reviews on the book, and they all had one thing in common. This book is a must read! Some even said its one of the best health books out there. This is Jillians way of getting out what worked best for her, and if I ever get to that point I think I would want to do the same thing! Im open to reading about anyone with thyroid disease. And it really feels like you have to listen to all the stories out there! Hypothyroidism is such a perplexed disease. Its safe to say that a treatment that works for one person, doesnt always work for the next. Nonetheless, what works for one person could be a step into the right direction to your own healthy being. It can never hurt to try new things to help with your own thyroid disease! Im really interested in hearing her thoughts on hormonal imbalance. This is the part that endocrinologists dont really touch on (at least all the ones Ive been to). And its such a huge part of hypothyroidism, and definitely makes my own journey very complex.

When reading this interview with Jillian Michaels, I had a wonderful aha! moment. I love when I have those! I found this interview in Health magazine's, November issue. This is the question/answer that stuck out to me:

Q: In terms of our fitness efforts, where do we go wrong?

A: We sell ourselves short when it comes to capability and potential. We read on the treadmill. We walk. People will be like, “I’ve been walking.” And I’m like, “Really? Really?” [Laughs.] “OK, you walked to the car, and then to the door at the mall, and then you took the stairs, too? Come on, man.”

If I can take a 66-year-old man and train him six hours a day, six days a week, you can do more than just take the stairs! People have no concept of what the human body is really designed to do. They have no concept of their strength! And they function in a zone that is well below what their potential really is.

This is so true. Ive been at the gym so many times, jump on a piece of equipment for 30 minutes and pat myself on the back like I just completed a marathon. And was that 30 minutes everything I could give it? Was it high intensity? Or was it just a leisure workout? More than likely it was somewhere around leisurely. I am selling myself short. I am not reaching my FULL potential. I'm only cheating myself! (As you can tell Jillian is in my head. ha!)

Go big or go home, right?

I have the odds against me with my thyroid disease in the first place, so yes sir I need to go BIG! Im putting in the time for the workout, so why not push myself to get the most out of my workout? Seems like common sense doesnt it? Than why do we so often NOT do it? Because we think we can't do it? Or maybe because we think simply working out is an accomplishment by itself. But who wants to be mediocre? Not me! Making strides in my workouts gives me confidence. I know this from experience. And I want that feeling back again!

With all that being said, today (dont you love first day of the months?), was my first 60 minute cardio session. I did a 3 mile run and than jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes. During my run I got all the way up to 5.7mph! Lately Im lucky if I get up to 5 mph. I just kept pushing myself and it felt great! And guess what? I didnt die. I didnt fly off the treadmill. I adapted to it. Amazing what you can do when you just try!

So excited to see where I am at the end of this month!

Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone - Trance Dance

Just as I have started on this journey of me - I got an email from my friend, Fran. Fran inspires me. She always gets me to try new things, and just step outside my comfort zone. I love that about her!

When I got an email from her that had the title, Trance Dance, I thought to myself...oh boy, what could this be about! Now most people who know me know that I dislike Trance music, very much. I opened up the email and found something completely different than I thought. It is a type of moving mediation that is done blind folded. A friend of Fran's, Adele, has this friend that is a facilitator. She was having a free session at her house for 10 people. I was really intrigued so I RSVP'd, and looked into it a bit further on the Internet. I LOVED everything I read. It was something I was looking for to come out of my comfort zone, as well as connect with myself in a way I havent done in a long time.

Just to give a little bit more info about Trance Dance, I have copied this info from their website. Rather than me try to explain it and get half the point across. :p

TranceDance is a unique blend of body movement, healing sounds, dynamic percussive rhythms, transformational breathing techniques and the innovative use of a blindfold or bandanna - together stimulating a 'trance' state that promotes spiritual awakenings, mental clarity, physical stamina and emotional well-being. Driven by unique musical soundtracks recorded specifically for this method of healing, Trance Dance takes participants on an 'inner journey' not limited to our normal perceptions of space/time. Ritual trance journeys have been a vital part of shamanic and eastern dance cultures for thousands of years. Our contemporary approach to Trance Dance brings together the richness of these ancient rituals with some startlingly effective modern techniques.

TranceDance's primary focus is on healing and spiritual evolution. By dancing within the seclusion of darkness participants discover parallel realities where solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems are possible. Through Trance Dance we `disappear', becoming more like spirit, and simultaneously less attached to life's ordinary difficulties, making it possible at these moments to let these problems go.

When we arrived at the facilitator, Deb's, house the mood was already set. There was dimmed lights, candles lit, fire place going, music playing, and incense burning. Her living room was clear of furniture, with a wood floor. Getting even more intrigued! There were 6 of us that attended, which seemed to be a perfect number of people for the size room we had. We all gathered in a circle on the floor while Deb went over some key things about the Trance Dance. She had gone on a 10 day retreat in Guatemala where she was trained to be a facilitator. It sounded like an amazing experience! Some key things she had said, was that you may feel like you are fighting it. Dont. Just let the fear go, and go with it. She said that everyones journey would be different, and some people may get emotional. Its okay. And there is no right or wrong way to do this, everyones journey will be different and its always the right way.

The Trance Dance was a 90 minute session. When I heard this I thought, wow we are going to be standing/dancing for 90 minutes. I wonder if I can mediate for this long. Honestly I wondered if I would even dance. So I put my blind fold on, and kept an open mind. The music was BEAUTIFUL. All kinds of different music. Lots of tribal with flutes, percussion, and jazz even thrown in at times. There would be singing at times, usually not in english. I just tried to stop thinking about what was going on, and mediate. I think it was probably the 3rd or 4th song in all of a sudden I felt like someone as pushing on my hip. Like getting it to move. And I just went with it. Next thing I knew my body was just moving. Not in a way that I usually dance though. It was so weird but awesome at the same time!

Another thing I noticed was that whole thing Deb had said about fighting it. She said to ask yourself why your resisting. The feeling felt like it was being stopped in the middle of my chest. Like there was something stopping it from going through my whole body. It almost felt like a panic attack. I just took a few deep breaths, and let it go. Towards the end of the dance I was really fatigued. My legs were like jello, and my body was just heavy. I wanted to sit down but thought someone might trip over me.

The dance ends with 3 minutes of the om chant. We all sat down during that and took off our blindfolds when we were ready. We all than sat in a circle again and shared our experiences. Some of the girls had some really amazing stories. How they had such an emotional connection during the Trance Dance. And how it brought them clarity to things going on in their life. And one girl even talked about how she got so angry at one point, but just worked through it. How amazing does this all sound?

It was a really interesting experience for me, but I didnt really experience a spiritual aspect...or emotional. But I think I probably did, but I just didnt know how to connect the physical feeling, with the mental/emotional feeling. Like that how thing where I needed to take deep breaths....there probably was some emotional connection but I couldnt connect them. Maybe because I dont mediate often? Maybe because I was resisting? Maybe because Im not ready? Who knows. I do know it was a pretty amazing journey, and something I definitely would want to do again. We had talked about as a group of doing this once a month, or every other month. I think I want to be part of that so I can learn more things about me. Im sure every journey is different. During some of the dancing that I did...I thought to myself I probably look like an idiot but this just feels right, and feels GOOD! I loved that feeling. Its not something I feel very often.

I cant wait to share my experience with my therapist. She highly recommends music therapy, especially drum circles..which is another experience I want to have! So maybe she can give me a little more insight on my experience.

I LOVE trying new things like this. While stepping outside of my comfort zone is scary, it is also exhilarating. I need to do it more often! Growth is such an amazing thing...I seem to forget that since its been so long since Ive felt it!