How Michael Jacksons death has affected me

This post is probably going to be deep, just as an FYI. Also a side note: I never know if Im using the right word: affect vs effect......

When I heard of MJ's death I was shocked, as Im sure most of us were. Im a huge MJ fan, regardless of who he has become. I was sadden to hear the news, and that was all it was. Until I had time to digest it to another level. On Friday I went to the gym after work (kicking and screaming I might add, but knew it would help my mood) and every TV had coverage on MJ's death. So as I working out I couldnt help but be sucked into the TV's reading all the captions.

One thing in particular that gave me chills was the 911 call. As most of you that read this blog probably know, my dad passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack a little over a year ago. Suddenly I started to have flashbacks of that dreadful morning. The call I received from my mom with her screaming that he wasnt breathing. Driving 100 mph down the freeway to get to their house. And than the call I got from my sister telling me he was gone.

As I was walking out of the gym (and had all these horrid memories flashing in my head) I saw an elderly man coming into the gym for his own workout. My dad was 69 when he passed. He was older than most people my age dads are. So whenever I see elderly people I get sad. Very sad. And mad. It reminds me of him, and than reminds me that hes gone and wont really reach that grandpa age for my children. Its weird. But I know its part of grieving. So as I looked at that man I got really sad. I wanted to go up to him and hug him. Of course just for me to feel better. I wondered if he has family that appreciates him. I always wonder that when I see an elderly person. The other day I was driving and a guy in the car behind me had what looked like his grandpa in the car, or it may have been his dad. He sat on his cell phone talking, and I saw the elderly man look over at him a few times, and than turn to look out the window. I know Im probably assuming things, but I thought, dude get off the phone! And enjoy the time you have with him. It may have not even been that scenario but those are things that cross my mind often. Sorry got off on a tangent there. So I thought about that elderly man in the gym as I walked to my car. Before I got to my car I already had tears in my eyes. I sobbed all the way home. I miss him so much it hurts. I havent had a cry in awhile so it was probably due.

Now on the other end of the spectrum....the rest of the night I replayed that horrible day in my head. I couldnt stop it. Than as I hear and read peoples reactions about Michael Jackson I also got overwhelmed with emotions. Angry, sad, mad, etc. My opinion on MJ is probably not as popular as most. I truly believe his growth was stunted. He thought he was a child. The things he did was strange, yes, but could he really help it? My mom has that same mentality. Some of her actions are absolutely ridlicious, but her brain is that of a child. And she cant help the actions she does. To an extent of course. Michael Jackson reminds me of my mother. Which I never linked those two before......

As you all know also from reading my blog, Im estranged from my mom because of the actions she did after my dads passing. So than I sat there and thought of my current relationship with my mother, and how maybe what Im doing is wrong. Cutting her out of my life may not be the best solution. Could she truly feel the way MJ felt...stuck in this painful life? The only difference is that I know she is happy with her life right now, at least certain aspects of it. She remarried, still has her same friends, and really has just continued her life the same but with a different man. Someone in only pain I dont think could do that. But I do walk on eggshells around her because of how she might react. Which I feel might be the case of people in MJ's life. I recently mailed her a letter asking her to continue to give me my distance, stop calling me at work, and I would contact her when I was ready. Personally, I have no idea when that would be. I was very careful with my words because I was literally afraid she might harm herself if she interpret my words wrong. As in commit suicide. Is that absolutely insane? Or a little egotistical of me? Probably not since at one time after my dad passed she was throwing herself around telling me that she knows I wish she would of died instead of him, and maybe that would come true one day. I really dont know if shes talk or not, and would not like to press those buttons to find out. So I walk on eggshells. Which in the end really hurts me, and stalls me from healing.

So am I suppose to be the bigger person? Since my mom isnt strong and mentally healthy, and I am. Am I suppose to just suck it up. Let it go. No matter what she does? Just because I know better and she doesnt. How many scenarios have to happen that I have to keep doing that? Especially when it threatens my own sanity? What if one day she is just where MJ is now, and I look back and think...you should of done something Melissa. You were the healthy one. Not her. But can I live my life like that? Do I live my life at the expense of pain, stress, anxiety, and sanity? Its such a thin line that I dont know which side is right and which side is wrong.

Im not sure where Im going with this. I just needed to get this out. But I never expected a celebrity death to bring on so many emotions about the current state of my life. With that being said, RIP MJ, RIP. You were a pure genius, and I hope that you are at peace now.

Why?

So the last few days have been emotionally draining. Im going to try to get all of this out so I can try to move forward. So I can stop self destructing myself. So I can try to understand my feelings.

Yesterday was my mothers wedding. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. And I didnt stop thinking about it all day. I felt a big dark cloud come over me, and sadness took over. Grant and I went to get breakfast and that took my mind off things for a little while. I called and checked up on some friends that were going through some difficult things and that helped as well. A friend at works dad passed on Tuesday. He has been sick for quite sometime so this wasnt a sudden thing. But it definitely has brought up feelings I dont want to deal with. But I need to deal with them. The anniversary of my dads passing is coming up in two months. I cant ignore that. Even though I want to. When I called Danita to check up on her (her Aunt passed this week as well), we decided to meet up. Now this is the part where I sound like Im crazy. I was telling her about my moms wedding, and how it was literally a few miles away, and I wanted to go see who was there. She said she would go with me. So we went and parked across the street and stalked my moms wedding. What the hell is wrong with me? What was that going to do for me? Nothing positive.

I havent talked to my sisters in weeks, actually months. Ive talked a little bit over email but just a few one liners. The last time I talked with them about my moms wedding was around Christmas and they said they most likely would not be able to support my mom through this wedding. So when we pulled up, the first thing I noticed was their cars. I wasnt sure if Tammy was there, but Kelly and Robin were there for sure. I also noticed a few of my parents friends there. So we sat there for a little while and than they all started to come out. Sure enough both of my sisters and their entire family came out. It hurt. I than saw my mom come out with her new husband which is what I wanted to see. I wanted to see them with my two own eyes. See that it was real. See that she actually went through with it. And she did.

Now I probably sound like some selfish brat. I realize that. Its not that I dont want my mom to be happy. I do. And its not that I expect my sisters to take sides, because I dont. I dont know exactly what I want, nor expect. I guess for once Id like my sisters to be up front about things. Maybe I read into their words to much. But they made it sound like to me that they didnt necessarily agree with how my mom was acting, nor her actions. For goodness sakes she calls my sisters (who are her stepdaughters) and tells her how she has meant the man she was truly meant to be with. He treats her like no one has before. And they have told me how that bothers them. Because their father took care of my mom for 18 years! So to see them there felt so hypocritical to me. They have their reasons for doing what they are doing I suppose, and kudos to them to be able to suppport her. Than again she is not their mother, just their step mother so maybe thats easier for them.

Maybe its jealously? Because my mother is able to move forward. Shes happy, supposedly. Shes remarried already, moving forward, starting her new life. And she has the support of family. Where here I am, feeling all alone, struggling some days to even get out of bed, and feel the support of no family. I feel like an orphan. No parents, no siblings, no extending family. Grant and the dogs are my only family, and sometimes I feel I put to much pressure on Grant with that. Why does my mom get the happiness? Why does she get the support? What she is doing is crazy, and how she is acted is really ridiculous. With everything shes done since my dads passing. But just because that is who she is, she is accepted and supported. Why? Ive confided in my sister, and my BIL about all of this. How Im feeling. How Im struggling. I still feel they arent truly there for me. They dont reach out to much, and I thought maybe they would of contacted me and told me they were going to her wedding, and just wanted me to know. Or called to see how I was doing since they knew I had an invite. I undestand I cant hold expectations to people. They dont know how I feel or what I need. So in that respect I cant hold it against them, but at the same time why do I have to reach out every single time?

Also with my mom. Seeing her yesterday..maybe felt like more closure to me? Made me think Im making the right choice but estranging myself from her? She knows how I feel, and she was able to go through such an important thing in her life without me by her side? Her happiness means more to her than her relationship with her daughter? Than again I guess Im doing the same thing. My happiness means more to me than my relationship with my mother. But in my case its my mental health. She was destroying it. I just dont understand why she wouldnt try to repair our relationship. Why she would go ahead and remarry, even though that may be at the cost of losing her daughter for ever. Is this me being selfish? Why wouldnt the two of them want to have a relationship with me? Why are they rushing everything? They could of taken sometime and tried to mend the relationship with me, as well as with her new husbands sons. Obviously there is a lot of history between my mother and I some of you readers dont know so its hard to understand without the whole story being told.

I dont understand why Im feeling the way I do. I made the choices Im living today. I chose this. But why is it so lonely? Why do I feel like Im set myself up to have no family? Why am I feeling these feelings? It feels so unfair to me, but I CHOSE this. So why do I feel like I regret them? Often I say to myself...Melis this is your only mother, only living parent. She cant help the way she does things, she doesnt know better. You are the stronger one. You are the mentally healthy one. So you should be the bigger person. But than I know if I was speaking to my mom, I would have a lot of anger towards her decisions, and we would still have a very unhealthy relationship. So why cant I just get pass this and move on. Instead I let the sadness consume me. I let this black cloud follow me around, and feel very woe is me. How do I get pass this?

Why does she get to be happy? Why dont I? She is happily married now. And here I am planning a wedding with no family at all, and cry everytime I think about my actual wedding day. Being alone. With no family. And Grant will be there with a very supportive family. I know his family is my family but it just doesnt feel the same.

What did I do to deserve this? Why did he have to go right when I felt things were falling right in place. I finally felt after 27 years that I had a family. A family that loved me. A family I belonged to. And in a second hes gone. Everything is gone. They say everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that. But what is the reason for him leaving me so soon? Because nothing positive is coming out of it at all!

I feel alone. Very alone. As I saw them yesterday I thoughts, wow even with all the actions my mom has taken she still yet has her entire family minus me. While I sit here looking on in on what use to be my family. I try to make healthy choices, and still feel like the unbalanced, outsider.

I try to find the strength, but its getting harder each day.

Weekend Updates

Its been an eventful weekend to say the least. I had some good quality time with friends and family. It started on Thursday. I went with the PL to see Josh Blue. He his the comedian that won last comic standing. He was hilarious. Seriously, I havent laughed that hard in a long time! Grant would of loved him, so I got him the DVD. :)

Friday was a pretty low key night. We just hung out at home getting chores done, and catching up on some tv.

Saturday I was heading over to Wendi's for a spa/game night. Crazy combo? More like fun combo! There was about 15 of us there. And we got mani/pedi's, massages, and than played some games. We played American Idol on the WII. I even got up and sang. Can you believe that?! I sang tainted love. LOL And we all were taught the cupid shuffle. Damn I have no rhythm. I am so akward looking when I dance. At least I think so. Im sure people dont even care what I look like. I like hanging with these girls, they are pulling me right out of my shell. Something that is good for me :)

Sunday was a little to heavy for me. I went over my sister, Kellys, house. And my other sister, Robin, and all my newphews and niece were over. It was my newphews birthday, and the kids were carving their pumpkins. We had a discussion about the event of spreading my dads ashes. Since I have chosen to not go due to the issues my mother and I are having, I let them in on that. They surprised me with telling me that they will not do this without me. They have already tried to talk my mom from going, but she is refusing. So they are going to talk to her again. They thought they could set boundaries with her, that she can not talk about her "new life", or try to make amends with me. But they know is she agrees with that, she wont be able to stick with it. So think its best if we go on two separate trips. Now to just get her to split up the ashes may be a difficult task. We shall see where that goes. It was nice to hear them support my decision. I just dont want this situation turn into a negative experience. Its a time to remember the memory of my dad, and I just dont think I can do that with my mom there, nor do I think she can do this without making the weekend about her.

I cant believe the things my mother is doing right now. I dont understand her, and never will.

So it was a good mixture this weekend, except trying to deal with the feelings with my mother. Spending time with the PL has really helped my moods lately though, they are a fun bunch of girls :)