This post is probably going to be deep, just as an FYI. Also a side note: I never know if Im using the right word: affect vs effect......When I heard of MJ's death I was shocked, as Im sure most of us were. Im a huge MJ fan, regardless of who he has become. I was sadden to hear the news, and that was all it was. Until I had time to digest it to another level. On Friday I went to the gym after work (kicking and screaming I might add, but knew it would help my mood) and every TV had coverage on MJ's death. So as I working out I couldnt help but be sucked into the TV's reading all the captions.
One thing in particular that gave me chills was the 911 call. As most of you that read this blog probably know, my dad passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack a little over a year ago. Suddenly I started to have flashbacks of that dreadful morning. The call I received from my mom with her screaming that he wasnt breathing. Driving 100 mph down the freeway to get to their house. And than the call I got from my sister telling me he was gone.
As I was walking out of the gym (and had all these horrid memories flashing in my head) I saw an elderly man coming into the gym for his own workout. My dad was 69 when he passed. He was older than most people my age dads are. So whenever I see elderly people I get sad. Very sad. And mad. It reminds me of him, and than reminds me that hes gone and wont really reach that grandpa age for my children. Its weird. But I know its part of grieving. So as I looked at that man I got really sad. I wanted to go up to him and hug him. Of course just for me to feel better. I wondered if he has family that appreciates him. I always wonder that when I see an elderly person. The other day I was driving and a guy in the car behind me had what looked like his grandpa in the car, or it may have been his dad. He sat on his cell phone talking, and I saw the elderly man look over at him a few times, and than turn to look out the window. I know Im probably assuming things, but I thought, dude get off the phone! And enjoy the time you have with him. It may have not even been that scenario but those are things that cross my mind often. Sorry got off on a tangent there. So I thought about that elderly man in the gym as I walked to my car. Before I got to my car I already had tears in my eyes. I sobbed all the way home. I miss him so much it hurts. I havent had a cry in awhile so it was probably due.
Now on the other end of the spectrum....the rest of the night I replayed that horrible day in my head. I couldnt stop it. Than as I hear and read peoples reactions about Michael Jackson I also got overwhelmed with emotions. Angry, sad, mad, etc. My opinion on MJ is probably not as popular as most. I truly believe his growth was stunted. He thought he was a child. The things he did was strange, yes, but could he really help it? My mom has that same mentality. Some of her actions are absolutely ridlicious, but her brain is that of a child. And she cant help the actions she does. To an extent of course. Michael Jackson reminds me of my mother. Which I never linked those two before......
As you all know also from reading my blog, Im estranged from my mom because of the actions she did after my dads passing. So than I sat there and thought of my current relationship with my mother, and how maybe what Im doing is wrong. Cutting her out of my life may not be the best solution. Could she truly feel the way MJ felt...stuck in this painful life? The only difference is that I know she is happy with her life right now, at least certain aspects of it. She remarried, still has her same friends, and really has just continued her life the same but with a different man. Someone in only pain I dont think could do that. But I do walk on eggshells around her because of how she might react. Which I feel might be the case of people in MJ's life. I recently mailed her a letter asking her to continue to give me my distance, stop calling me at work, and I would contact her when I was ready. Personally, I have no idea when that would be. I was very careful with my words because I was literally afraid she might harm herself if she interpret my words wrong. As in commit suicide. Is that absolutely insane? Or a little egotistical of me? Probably not since at one time after my dad passed she was throwing herself around telling me that she knows I wish she would of died instead of him, and maybe that would come true one day. I really dont know if shes talk or not, and would not like to press those buttons to find out. So I walk on eggshells. Which in the end really hurts me, and stalls me from healing.
So am I suppose to be the bigger person? Since my mom isnt strong and mentally healthy, and I am. Am I suppose to just suck it up. Let it go. No matter what she does? Just because I know better and she doesnt. How many scenarios have to happen that I have to keep doing that? Especially when it threatens my own sanity? What if one day she is just where MJ is now, and I look back and think...you should of done something Melissa. You were the healthy one. Not her. But can I live my life like that? Do I live my life at the expense of pain, stress, anxiety, and sanity? Its such a thin line that I dont know which side is right and which side is wrong.
Im not sure where Im going with this. I just needed to get this out. But I never expected a celebrity death to bring on so many emotions about the current state of my life. With that being said, RIP MJ, RIP. You were a pure genius, and I hope that you are at peace now.
No comments:
Post a Comment