A Complete Mess

When I got back from the wedding I started seeing my therapist on a more regular basis. I was just feeling more down than usual, and felt like I was slipping into depression. I wasn't sure if it was the post wedding blues, or actually depression. What I did know is that the dark cloud surrounding me weighed heavier than it has in the last 18 months. She suggested a psychiatrist who prescribed me Wellbutrin. Why did taking an antidepressant completely freak me out?

I gave it a try for a week and had pretty intense side effects. Which I thought would happen because any medications I take is like that. The worse side effect was this unbearable migraine. At the same time I also switched my thyroid meds. And during that first week I was actually feeling really good. I knew that the Wellbutrin couldnt be working that fast, so assumed it probably was the thyroid meds I was on. I have been on these before and they worked great, so was happy they had the same effect. Ive spent so long feeling like crap that I really felt like a new person. I stopped the Wellbutrin for a number of reasons. I couldnt deal with the 7 day migraine. And there is a lot of connection between hypothyroid and depression. I wanted to let the new medications get in my system and than re-evaluate if I should be on a antidepressant. If it really is due to my thyroid, taking a antidepressant is working against me. I made a promise to myself to give it a month, and stop sabotaging myself with unhealthy habits during this time as well. Habits like drinking alcohol, eating unhealthy, and not working out. If I still feel down after doing those things, than at least I know I gave it my all, and tried everything. Well Ive been on the thyroid meds for almost 3 weeks and I have plateaued. Im exhausted and tired again. And my mood has down spiraled.

Im so torn on what move to make, or how to handle this. If the depression is in fact due to my thyroid, Id like to just focus on getting a normal thyroid level. But what if its not? And being on an antidepressant would be the answer for me now. I wish I could find an endocrinologist that could help and support me better to. I see mine once every 4 months, and literally get maybe 10 minutes max with him. I dont feel like Im really being listened to either. I was very uncomfortable with they psychiatrist I went to, so got a second recommendation from my therapist. She recommended a psychiatrist who has a extensive medical background. The first psychiatrist I went to wasnt very understanding about my thyroid disease. He was like everyone else and thought that I should take a pill and feel better. Its so much more than that. So Id like to go to a psychiatrist that understands a little bit about thyroid disease. Hopefully this second recommendation will be more helpful.

Now with all that being said....situational depression definitely makes sense. With all the things Im dealing with in my life, some days I wonder how Im functioning. Obviously the big issue is my dads passing, and my estrangement from my mom. That has resulted in a very distant relationship with the rest of my family. Those things alone make life pretty hard a majority of the time. Throw in that we just went through the holidays, and got married with only 1 family member present...well I can see how that could cause some depression. Lately I have been having work drama that has really made me miserable as well. And I have so many other insecurities that I could be here all day writing about them. So maybe I am truly depressed. Or maybe its a combo of both?

So what do I do about this? Do I tackle the thyroid issue? Do I try antidepressants? Im still trying to figure that all out.

What I do know is I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to stop continuing to eat the way Im eating. When I stop putting crap in my mouth, maybe I will stop feeling like crap. And exercising is essential at this time. The weight gain is something that daily brings me down, so simple solution is to workout. And working out will only improve my mood. So there is two great reasons to work out. But why is that so difficult for me though?And the drinking alcohol, I need to stop with the drinking. I can fully admit that I drink and eat to feel better and have fun, which is exactly why I need to stop. Because drinking is a downer, and boy does it bring me down. It brings out every insecurity I have, and I usually end up being overly emotional. Nobody should have to deal with that. And why do I want to put myself in that state?

I feel like a complete mess. And there are so many parts out of place that Im overwhelmed on what to do first. I feel alone and wish I could find someone who can relate to me. I have Grant and friends who do support me, but they just dont understand how Im feeling. Id love to have someone who can understand that.

I just want to be happy and normal again.