Some Holidays Will Just Be Sad

So this will be the second Fathers Day without my dad, and while life does seem a bit more manageable now....I don't think holidays like this will ever get easier. When I woke up this morning I was feeling okay, but than shortly after a dark cloud sort of hoovered over me. Grant was going to his aunts for a Fathers Day BBQ, but I decided I kind of just wanted to stay home and let today be a depressed day. Sad I know. But sometimes I just need those kind of days. As long as its just for the day, or a short period of time, and I don't let it turn into weeks. That is when it becomes unhealthy.

I also feel a lot of guilt. I do have one parent still alive, one that does want a relationship with me. And I push that away. For my own sanity. But still part of that makes me feel guilty. I know Im making the right decision, but I think its probably only normal to have these feelings. Still doesnt make it any easier. Ive been trying to talk about this with some friends, but these friends have really good relationships with their moms or daughters...so it doesnt always go so well. Which causes more regret in the end.

I was able to buy Grant a few Fathers day cards yesterday which I wasnt sure how that would go. I handle the trip pretty good for the most part. I was able to move past the daughter father day cards, over to the husband and from the dog cards. Than a few minutes later someone opened one of those musical cards that was playing a Johnny Cash song. My dad loved Johnny Cash. And even use to sing this song when ever we would be four wheeling when I was a kid. A few tears fell, but than I was able to pull it back together. I guess I am healing, although sometimes it doesnt feel like it.

Im glad tomorrow is a new day. And Im back to work, so making money and getting into a schedule is definitely a good thing.