The sadness that is. It feels like a big black hole lately. And I just seem to let it consume me. I know the holidays brought on some of this, and my dads birthday is around the corner so that as well is another factor. Lately I just dont have filters on the things that are coming out of my mouth. I even said today to my boss at work, well the holidays werent great for someone who has a dead dad.Seriously, what is wrong with me?
We went and seen Gran Torino yesterday. It reminded me of my dad, I wont say how in case you want to see it. But I couldn't handle it. I left the theater bawling my eyes out. Literally sobbing. It was not a pretty sight.
I dont have the motivation to do anything. Nothing. But sleep, eat, drink, and surf the web. Im eating all kinds of crap. Im drinking way to much alcohol which in returns leads to a few days of extra depression. I know what Im doing, but still chose to do so.
Im hoping the new year will bring some optimism, and change. I will start classes so I will have some things to keep me busy. Id like to start training for my half marathon, so hopefully Ill be a little bit more motivated. And maybe just having that whole cliche of a new year, new beginning. Who knows.
The wedding planning is even stressing me out a bit. We have decided to invite some family, and its adding another level of stress. Although planning any event is stressful and causes anxiety to me. So why would this be any different. We decided on family because Im afraid Ill regret eloping with just the two of us. Im really on the fence about this.....but Ill save those thoughts for another day. Back to my favorite hobby these days...sleeping.
2 comments:
Wanted to send out hugs! It will pass, be good to yourself, he would want that. Your post reminded me of three years ago when my father past. It will get better, it took time for me. I found thinking he was with me and wanting to enjoy the time not feel my sorrow, helped. Do not fight it, feel it and try to release it when it hits. I found I was hanging on to the pain (because my sons had a hard time losing him and I did not want to put it out there around them). The marathon training sounds great. Exercise and yoga was great for me. It was very hard to be motivated but once into either they did help over the hard times. Sending healing wishes.
Hey Melis...
I know it's easy to write advice and much harder to actually do the work involved, but I just wanted to say that all of these things you're feeling...are FEELINGS. You WILL feel better and things WILL change. Some of it may be attributed to hormones, chemical fluctuations, etc. but regardless, nothing lasts forever. (Which can seem scary and sad, but also wonderful...) Just know that you have lots of people thinking of you and wishing the best for you.
As far as the wedding - do what's right for the two of you. If that means eloping...so what? At the end of the day, you'll still be with the man who loves you and your family is still your family. People aren't perfect. Keep your head up and come around so we can lift you up. xoxo
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