(I posted this blog on myspace, since I have received so much support on there in regards to my dad passing. I know not a lot of people read my blog here, but wanted to cross post it here as well)Im not so sure that reflecting is the best word to use, but its definitely what Ive been doing this week. Its been 6 months since my dad passed away. It has felt like 6 years. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.
So much has happened during this time. So many changes. So many challenges. So many ups and downs. Just 7 months ago we were celebrating Grant and my engagement with him. And 9 months ago we were celebrating that legally I became his daughter. How can so much joy happen and in a blink of an eye my entire world feel like its been turned upside down?
They say that with time things will become more easier. Easier is definitely not the word I would use. Manageable, maybe. But easier, not really. The best way to describe it is like Im in a game of pitfall. Im walking down this long dark tunnel. And there are pits all along the way. At the beginning of this tunnel, the pits are huge. Very wide, very deep. And when I fell in it, I felt like I was practically drowning. But eventually I would climb out of the pit, and continue on down the tunnel. Than I would fall into another pit. This one still huge, but not as huge as the first. And the journey continues on and on and on. Sometimes when I come out of those pits, Im all alone. Other times when I climb out of those pits I have friends waiting for me. And a majority of the time Im lucky to have Grant and the doggies pulling me out of the pit. Than there is the times when pits just pop up, unexpectedly. Those are the ones that hit me like a ton of bricks. But with each fall, Im learning how to handle each one a little better.As time goes on, each pit gets a little bit smaller, and the light at the end of the tunnel gets a little bit brighter. But a question in my head is will the tunnel ever end? Probably not for a long time. And thats okay. Ive accepted that. Its part of my life now.
Grieving is such a complicated thing to go through. But I am surviving. The first few months were not such a pretty sight. And with the family drama that unfolded within these months it definitely did not help. But I took a step back. Put my well being first, and have just taken each day as it comes. Learning to live my life without my dad. A difficult process, often unbearable at times. But not impossible. I never thought at 28 I would have to do this. But he is giving me strength each day, I can feel it.
Just last week my therapist told me how proud and amazed she is of how strong of a person I am. That she has no suggestions on things I could be doing to handle things differently. Im doing everything someone should do to grieve and heal in a healthy way. That was nice to hear. Because often it feels completely opposite than that.
Not only has it been hard for me, but for the people in my life as well. I really consider myself lucky to have the support Ive had during these very hard 6 months. I dont know how I would have made it without all of you. I love the quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Boy has that been true during these last 6 months. While I hope that these people are in my life for a lifetime, I realize they may not be. So I am thankful to have had them in my life at all. You all know who you are, and you will always have a very special place in my heart.
So as I pass the 6 month mark, I continue to move forward. Continue to grieve, and continue to heal. There are a lot of dates coming up that are going to be difficult. The holidays, his birthday, the 1 year anniversary. But most of all, getting married without him here will be the hardest thing of all. But I'll survive all of those. I'll face each one as they come, remembering and honoring my dad the best way I know how. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and I trust that. Its all I can do.
P.S. The one thing that puts a smile on my face daily, is that we have inherited my dads dog, Rusty. He is this 18 pound toy spaniel, that snores like he is an 80 pound dog. My dad snored. Loudly. Every time Rusty does the snorting/snoring combo, I cant help but smile. When I look closely, I find little reminders like that daily. Its pretty comforting.
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