Selective Friendships

Remember when you were younger and friendships were just so much easier? You really had no worries, and knew you would be best friends for the rest of your lives. If we only knew than what we know now.

Recently I ended a friendship. A fairly new friendship, it was not even a year old. It had more ups and downs than I cared to ride out. And when the ride was up, it was great! But when it was down, it was way the fuck down there. Its always sad when you lose a friendship, even if it was an unhealthy one. I know it was the right thing to do, and feel good with my decision. But at the same time still stop to think to myself, why do I find myself in so many "toxic" friendships? Am I the problem? Do I get drawn into these type of friendships for a reason? It really puts me back into a evaluating me stage. Wondering what I could do differently to find the friendships I desire to have.

Going through this situation did make me realize something. I have grown. Although I did see the signs that this friendship wasn't working a few months ago, I did finally know when it was time to step away. Previously I would of engrossed myself in the unhealthiness that it was causing, and clung on to it for dear life. I have longed to find strong, close friendships for quite sometime. Ever since I lost the friendship of one of my dearest friends from my childhood. I haven't necessarily tried to replace her, but have longed to have a friendship that was like ours. Ive come to realize that probably will never happen, and am okay with that. Finally. It only took about 5 years. In previous years I would find myself settling for friends. Settling with the drama, cattiness, bullshit..whatever you want to call it. I would do that just to have a friendship. A friendship that I thought was what I wanted, but it would turn out that it was completely different than what I thought it was. Its like I would have this distorted vision of it, because I wanted the friendship so bad. Denial? Naive? Who knows. But this time I said enough is enough. I knew after going through those down stages...this is so not worth it. Life is way to short to mend things that are meant to be mended. I've really been trying to live my life in a more positive way. And this friendship was pulling me in the opposite direction. I was being derailed. Derailed from the person I want to be. And involved in a cattiness level I didn't even know existed! Im glad I finally was able to come back to reality and see it for what it was.

I have met many friends through this person, and thought this sucks to lose all those friendships. Its been so fun getting to know these girls over the last year, and I look forward to lasting friendships with them. But at the same time my sanity, and mental health comes first. I cant continue down this unhealthy "friendship" path I'm on. If those people I met are my friends, they will still be my friends. Regardless what happens between this other person and I. Actually this is a great opportunity for me to work on my qualities of being a friend. Reaching out and keeping in touch with them. Something that has been a weakness of mine for quite sometime.

And ironically since Ive ended that other friendship, I have had a chance to get together with those other friends more often than I did before. We always hung out in a group, so we just used that time to hang out. When your in a group its defintely fun times. But you don't really get to know each person on a more personal level. Now I'm getting that opportunity, and its great. Not having the extra stress from trying to make a friendship work that clearly wasn't working feels great to. I feel good about the growth I continue to make as a person. I am beginning to understand who I am, what I want, and carry that out. That feels really empowering.