Ashamed To Admit This...

But I need to say it out loud. I need to see it on paper, or on the monitor in this case. I need to put it out there, so its out and no longer a secret. I dont know if it will make me feel accountable or if it will just make me feel more embarrassed but I just feel the need to say it.

Ive had food issues for as long as I can remember. And getting to the bottom of things and understanding why I make the choices I do seems to be a never ending process. I guess its all a work in progress. But what I did this weekend was really rock bottom.

So Ive never binged ate before. Well I never considered it binge eating. Where I actually consumed an insane amount of calories in a short period of time. But when I do things like I'm about to mention it does feel like it could be a mild case of binge eating. Or maybe borderline binge eating/emotional eating.

Anyways, on Saturday I was going out to the bar with some girlfriends and I thought I would go see if I could find something new to wear. I need to go shopping for new clothes badly, repeating the same few outfits that fit is getting old really quick. And of course its nice to feel cute in something new when your going out with the girls. So I attempted to go find a cute shirt. Of course everything was to tight, or to big. I cant fit in a medium without my back fat bulging out, or my rolls in the front looking like I may be pregnant. And when I went up a size it was just to baggy where it was just as unflattering. I couldnt find a thing. Of course it put me in a panicky mode. Not panic that I couldnt find anything, panic that Ive let myself get to this point Ive been so many times before. Instead of just rolling with the punches of course I let it get the best of me. I let the negative talk creep in, and just started putting myself down. Feeling like a loser. I should have remembered a comment Karen left on a blog I wrote earlier this week, Be nice to yourself. But I didnt.

When I left the store all I kept thinking was what can I eat? Eating will make me feel better. Something cheesy or greasy will do the trick. And wouldn't you know there was a Little Ceasers right inside the shopping center. So off I went. I ordered crazy bread with a Pepsi. The guy looked at me and said, thats all? I said yep. I felt guilty like he knew I was going to stuff that bread in my face like there was no tomorrow. I went back to my car, and sat in that parking lot and ate that entire order of bread in what felt like less than five minutes. Why did I eat it in my car? Because I didnt want to face Grant. I was embarrassed. I ate in hiding. And trashed the evidence in a trashcan at the bank on the way home.

Seriously? What is my problem? I never did anything like that before. And it felt very wrong, but very good at the same time. I guess I have a bigger battle with food addiction than I think I do. I cant believe I just typed this out.