Change

So I have things I want to talk about, but cant really bring myself to talk about them yet. Still gathering and trying to process my thoughts. Or maybe Im just ashamed and dont want to put it out there. Not yet. I will soon though.

What I will blog about is that I need change in my life. In many areas. Im not happy with the person I am. I know I have so much more potential but love to hold myself back. Fear often feels like it controls my life. Im so over fear.

I also want to be a good wife to my husband. He deserves a good wife, and the person I am right now is a mess. Next up will be motherhood, and I definitely want to be a good mom. Im so fearful of being a bad wife and mom. See fear...again. So its time to make some changes. It may take some time, but my life needs an overhaul. Its going to be a long process, that may be overwhelmingly difficult at times....but its very much needed.

Lets hope I can find the strength to begin and stick with this process. Now this feels all over the place..as you can see I have a lot going on in my head right now. A lot that is hard for me to put into words right now....

I Heart Christmas

Christmas is my favorite holiday. It always has been. Its still the one holiday that I havent changed my feelings on even with all the things that have happened with my family in the last couple years. It just makes me happy. The decorations, the lights, the music, the first snowfall (yes I said snow!), the hustle and bustle of the season, the traditions, finding the perfect gift, the food! especially peppermint hot chocolate....just the whole spirit of it. It gives me the warm fuzzies!

Especially Christmas music. It just fills me with joy. I know I sound so cheesy. No matter whats going on in my life, or what kind of day Im having...I can put on some Christmas music and it puts me in a great mood :)

So today I prepped the living room for Christmas decorating. We put up the tree and did some decorating in the living room. I love having the Christmas lights up. Of course we put on Christmas music, and Im just so happy right now. Bandito loves Christmas decorating. He sits and watches us, while the other two look depressed. Not sure what thats all about...I wonder if it makes them think of things from the past. Rusty - my parents, and makes Vinyl think about Sadie. :(

Last night I caught the movie Family Stone. I never saw it before, and really enjoyed it. I really love all the cheesy Christmas movies to. Always a happy ending. :) I think Ill try to watch more Christmas movies this season than I usually do. I definitely want to go see the one with whats his name from Meet the Faulkner's. The dad.....its on the tip of my tongue! It has him and Drew Barrymoore in it. It looks good. I love the movies. I just wish it was a little bit cheaper to go these days!

Id like to make a few Christmas gifts this year. We dont really have to buy for many people, which is a great thing because we are so broke from the wedding. But my crafty side has kicked in and Im itching to make some things...we shall see what I come up with :)

LOVE this time of the year!

100th Post

1ooth post....craziness. When you start a blog you wonder if you will continue on with it to get to milestones like 100th post. What in the world do I talk about...because really I dont think I have that many interesting things to say!

In honor of my 100th post...Ive decided to great a cloud of keywords that gets talked about here in my blog :)

I think my blog is to skinny to really see that....damn 3 column blog. LOL

Happy 100th post smorsablog!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Hard to believe that Thanksgiving is already here. Time sure does fly by, doesnt it?

I am happy to say that I have had a really nice Thanksgiving. I was dreading it last week. Ive been in a huge funk, and quite the Negative Nancy. I keep focusing on the things that are horrible in my life, and I should focus on the good things. Who wants to live their life in such a miserable state? My original plan for Thanksgiving was to feel sorry for myself and stay in my pj's and veg on the couch. Now I know that was a bad idea, but its what I wanted to do. Grant said whatever I want to do is what he will do. Bless that boy, he has been through my extreme ups and downs, and still stands there and supports me. That would be one of the many reasons I love him so much.

So after a session with my therapist, I did come to my senses and agree to spend the holiday with family. Just because my immediate family isnt ideal to spend the holiday with...doesnt mean I should spend it alone. We went to Grants aunts for Thanksgiving. Its his aunts (stepmoms sister) family, Grants parents, and than Grants uncles (or aunts inlaws) family. Everyone wanted to hear about the wedding, so we got to relive that best day of our lives again :) We brought the laptop so were able to show some pictures to everyone. Oh how Id love to go back there right now! Delicious food as usual. This family is italian and are great cooks! And of course even more delicious deserts, my favorite part!

I had a tradition with my parents that we would go to the movies on holidays, specifically Thanksgiving and Christmas. We have done it as long as I can remember. Last year Grant and I tried to attempt that, but Grant got food comatose so we missed out. Grant made sure to not stuff himself this year, so we were able to go :) We went and seen Pirate Radio. I LOVED it! It had a few cheesy parts, but I really enjoyed it. Music is such an amazing thing, and such a huge part of both Grant and my life. I love that about our relationship. So it was a great movie to relate to :)

Now we are at home watching late night shows. Pee-Wee Herman was just on Conan, and he looks exactly like he did when I watched Pee Wee's Playhouse! Kinda creepy. LOL Apparently he is doing some sort of Pee-Wee Playhouse play....

So I thought with it being Thanksgiving, I should post what I am thankful for :) I really am trying to focus on being more positive, and being thankful for what I have. Because really it could be worse, it really could. So here comes my list...

• I am so thankful that I have a job that feels secure at the moment.
• Im also thankful that I have been recommended for a promotion at work. It feels great that my managers have that confidence in me.
  
• Im thankful I have 3 of the cutest, most sweetest dogs ever. No matter what happens, those 3 shower me with unconditional love!
  
• Even though my health isnt the greatest, I am thankful that I know what my health problems are and continue to work on getting healthier.
  
• Im so thankful I was able to live out such an amazing dream wedding!
• Im also super thankful that Grant and I both were able to take a 19 day vacation for our wedding moon!
  
• Im thankful for the friends and family that have really been such a great support system during this very difficult year!
  
• While the loss of my parents has been hard, I am thankful for the 17 holidays I did have with them.
  
• Last but not least, Im super, uber thankful for my amazing husband. My life is complete with him, I realize this more and more each day. I feel very blessed to have my soul mate and best friend by my side through this journey we call life.

Happy Thanksgiving - lots to be thankful for. :) And on that note, its time for bed. Night Bloggers!

Late Night Ramblings

I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I couldnt pick just one thing, so will blog about them all! First of all I feel a little bit guilty that I sort of steal random pictures such as the one above and put them on my blog. Sorry to those of you who I steal your pictures....at least I dont steal your bandwidth to! lol

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I really need to color my hair. Ive been super lazy and been watching TV and surfing the web all night...so I guess Ill have to do it in the AM. I hate coloring my hair the same day I go places because it smells that first day and is always hard to style! Speaking of styling....my flat iron broke while we were in Florida so that is another challenge to. I finally ordered a new one today from www.folica.com. I love that site. I got $20 off and free shipping. Score! I sat here for a good hour debating between a 1" plate and a 1.5" plate. The things I agonize over! I ended up with the 1.5" so I could cut some time off my getting ready time. Im not sure if Ill be able to curl my hair with that big of a plate though. Im sure I can find a demo on you tube on how to use that size to curl. Dont you love you tube?

I really would like to organize my "home" office space this weekend. I keep saying that but it never happens. Its a scrapbook room/lia sophia office/school crap space. Yeah way to much going on eh? LOL If I got it organized it would assist in making some projects as Christmas gifts. I have these ideas but until I get a clean space I wont be able to start them!

Today I went to see my holistic doctor/nutritionist...and I think I may be convinced hes a little hoxy. I forgot my supplements while we were on our weddingmoon, so only been taking my supplements for about 1.5 weeks now. And I ran out of one of them, so havent even been taking everything. Well I go back today, and he starts doing his acupressure thing, and hes like wow this last dose of supplements really worked! You dont need to take two of the five supplements anymore, and you went from a qty of 5 hypothalmax a day to just 1! And now Im in maintenance mode, and only need to come every quarter. Um...I still feel like crap, and I havent been taking my supplements...so how did I end up there?

I didnt make anything to take to Thanksgiving tomorrow, and dont really feel bad about it. We go to Grants aunts house, and her in laws are all there. They are this big Italian family, and lets be real....they have so much food already, and why would they want to eat something I make? LOL

See now wasnt this a bunch of late night ramblings? I guess Ill go to bed now..I can barely keep my eyes open. The weather has been so nice...this would have been a PERFECT year to run in the turkey trot! Coulda Shoulda Woulda, right?

Health Woes

So its no secret that I have some pretty bad health problems. All which mostly steam from my thyroid disease. I have an autoimmune thyroid disease so my immune system isnt the strongest. Which results in getting sick quite often. Lately I dont think I have been taking good care of myself either. There are things I can do that will only help me, but lately I seem to do the exact opposite.

Before we left for the wedding I got a sinus infection. Im pretty sure it was from the crazy drinking at my bachelorette party, and being out in the rain with out a jacket didnt help. I got some antibiotics right away and was feeling better by the time we got to Florida. I was great all during Florida. I had one day where my stomach didnt cooperate. I have been known to have GI issues, but after going to a GI doctor they said it was related to my thyroid. I think its a little bit of both. The day we got back to Michigan I felt a sore throat, and sure enough when I woke up the next day I felt like crap. Sinus infection was back, sore throat, cough, chills, and sweats. It felt like the flu but without the vomiting. I went back to the doctor and got another round of antibiotics. It was a good week before I started feeling better. One day during that week I even starting vomiting. Nothing like taking off 2.5 weeks from work, and than coming back for a few days and calling in sick. What can you do though?

I started feeling better a few days ago, and now Im having some weird GI issues. Its around the same time every day for the last 3 days. I start getting a really bad headache, and than my stomach has sharp pains, and ends in diarrhea. (Sorry if thats TMI) I did take a pill for my back yesterday and some Excedrin migraine, and I wonder if I had some reaction to those....

Than again I get these symptoms when my thyroid levels drop extremely low. Which is a huge possibility that is what is happening now. I know my body, and can usually tell where my levels are based on my symptoms. I have really been trying to give Armour thyroid the benefit of the doubt for almost 9 months now...its not working. I know it has to do with the reformation of the pills that took place around April. My symptoms have really went crazy since than. I have my quarterly appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow so I think I may see if he will switch me back to the synthetic t3 and t4 meds. Those worked for me before, and right now I need something to make me feel better. The fatigue is unbearable.

You really dont realize how much you take your health for granted, until you have to deal with such extreme health issues. Most of the time I dont know if its thyroid related or mental health related. Given the last couples years Ive gone through, it could be a little bit of both. The symptoms are so common that its so hard to decipher.

I just want to feel better. Its so easy to fall into bad habits. But ultimately I control those habits, so I can only blame myself for making me feeling even worse than I already do. They thyroid disease doesn't need any help with more negative symptoms! So enough is enough. I owe it to my health to make smart, healthy, positive choices. Even though some of those choices may seem small to me, every little action helps.

In the meantime, I will continue to self manage my thyroid disease. I am on the look now for another endocrinologist. One that takes time with their patients, and LISTENS. I will continue to see my nutritionist/holistic doctor. And most of all continue to keep researching! Im going on 3 years now battling my thyroid....Im not giving up now!

Lazy Sunday, Fun Times, and Annoying Cold

With the wedding over it really does feel like a lazy Sunday. Still things to do but not the rush, rush, rush...we dont have enough hours in the day feeling. The doggies or should I say, Bandito let us sleep in till noon. That was nice. I decided to get up and Grant is sleeping a bit longer. We didnt get to bed till around 3:30ish.

Ill probably get around to the laundry, work on my resume for a bit (applying for a new position at work), catch up on some Tivo, and maybe read a bit (really digging the book I started last week!). Besides that nothing to much on the agenda. That sounds like a perfect lazy day eh? Wish I was back in Florida laying on a hammock though. That would be a perfect lazy Sunday!

Ive been battling this cold since we got back in town, and Im so over it. Seriously. We went out for a friends birthday last night, and not sure that was the best idea for me. My cough seems to have gotten worse. Bleh. We did have a lot of fun though. We had dinner in Mexicantown, and than headed out to a night of great music. It was a mixture of different genres. First we heard a band, New Music Detroit. They only played for about 20 minutes, but a guy was killing it on the xylophone. It was cool. Next up was Will Sessions Funk Big Band, this band was awesome. It was funk big band, and while Im not a huge fan of funk...I am of big band. And the combo together was really awesome. They played so many different instruments, and I loved it! I would definitely see them again. Than Carl Craig dj'd, and rocked it out as always. Loved the diverse type of music, and a much needed night out for Grant and I. We were getting antsy for some good music since we have been on vacation, and went to a doosy of a party last weekend. The minute that bass vibrated the floor when Carl Craig went on I remembered why we love Detroit so much. We have great music here, oh yes we do. We danced, danced, and danced some more. I dont think I sweated like that from dancing in quite some time!

Looking forward to a short week, which is kind of silly since we just had 19 days off. Getting back into a routine has been quite tough!

Mrs. Goulet !!!

So here I sit on a Sunday night preparing myself to go back to work tomorrow. I have had the last 19 days off. Talk about a vacation eh? As I think about those last 19 days, it was such an amazing experience. It was like an emotional roller coaster. Not the kind of emotional roller coaster I have gone through so many time in the last few years, that took me very high and way down low. But more like a roller coaster filled with so many different levels of emotions that I never knew existed. People were not kidding when they say it goes by so fast. It was like lightening. That's the part that makes me sad!

I checked my work email earlier and sorted through some of the emails. It wasnt to bad actually. I think it will lessen the overwhelming feelings when I go back tomorrow. Im sure Ill get a little cranky without my nap to. LOL 8 hours is a lot longer than you think!

Coming back to reality is a hard transition. It definitely heightens those post wedding blues. Im sure after getting back into a routine, and refocusing on whats next to look forward to, things will feel normal again. :)

Its fun to just say things to Grant and end it with husband. It makes me giggle. Husband. Tee Hee.