Flashbacks and Emotions

Sometimes you see things, and dont really think twice about them. Than an event happens, and an object you once saw and didnt give a second thought to just changes. That is how I feel about ambulances. Especially when they are in front of a house, and you see a stretcher outside the door.

Today when I was running up to the store, the corner house on my street had an ambulance in front of it. As I looked at the house as I passed it, I saw a stretcher in front of the door. Flashback. It takes me right back to that horrible day in May. I prayed that whoever that stretcher for was okay, or that they didnt even need the stretcher after all. If something was wrong, please dont let that family go through what I went through not to long ago. Please. When I came home 10 minutes later, the stretcher was being moved inside.

I have so many unresolved emotions about that morning. Flashbacks seem to bring these emotions up everytime, where they feel like fresh wounds once again. These are things I keep to myself (well I do share them with Grant so not completely to myself), and at this point cant seem to let go. I know the ambulance was not called right away, so of course I wonder what if. Once one what if starts, they seem like they are never ending. What if the ambulance was called sooner? Could he have been saved? Why wasnt the ambulance called sooner? What was she thinking? Were those paramedics the best we could have gotten? Why didnt she know he took a whole bottle of nitro in 10 days? How could she not know? Why didnt he tell her? Was he scared? Was he really ready to go? Did he know how much I loved him? Does he know how much my heart aches? Why was he taken at the best time in our relationship? Why? Why? Why?! And the lists goes on. I know I cant agonize over these what ifs. I will make myself to go crazy if I do. I understand this is part of the grieving process, but when will I get over this and accept that he is gone? Will I ever reach the acceptance stage in the grieving process?

I often wonder what the acceptance stage feels like. Will I know when Ive arrived? Once you reach that stage, have you completed the grieving process? Or does it start all over again? Sometimes it actually does feel like Ive accepted, and Ill be doing great for a few weeks. Than BAM! It hits me like a ton of bricks, and Im back at square one. This is such a complicated, HARD, thing to go through. Its very conflicting and confusing. But isnt that what life is?

Back to the what if questions....as these questions raced through my head like the Tasmanian devil...I just let them take their course. Normally this would result in some very unhealthy behaviors. Emotional eating, drinking alcohol, etc. Not realizing till after the fact, I didnt do any unhealthy act this time. Sure I let the sadness sit for a little while, as I kept thinking about that house on the corner. Than I reached out to my best support I have, Grant. We took some us time, and I felt better. It feels like progress. But I know each time the grief hits, its different. Everytime I react different, everytime the level of intensity of is different. But this is life now. Life is different, and that is okay. I'll be okay. I have to be. Damn I miss him so much.