Being a victim of sexual abuse...

really sucks. I know that I am in control now and I guess at some point need to stop feeling like a victim and take control of my life. Its hard. Ive just come to terms with being sexually abused. As in the last year.

Grant and I have been going to a sex therapist to help work through this issue. To help me heal, and help Grant and I grow together. We have taken a hiatus from our sex therapist, so I can attend individual therapy. So things have gotten off track in the intimacy area. I also have felt so numb from my dads passing, that Ive sort of put this issue on the back burner. Well things have started to surface again, and I feel like we are back at square one. We have to go back to the basics. Go back to doing our homework. We got off track. And that is okay. We know what we need to do, and Grant is so understanding about things. Im lucky to have him as my partner. I just get so sad, angry, and mad that I cant enjoy making love to my partner. I want to. I want to make love to him. Without these flashbacks in my head. I want to feel that passion. I worry how this affects Grant. His needs, his feelings, his self esteem. He doesnt deserve this. But he is understanding, which is amazing to me. I am truly lucky to spend the rest of my life with such an incredible man.

Just a few short months ago we were making great progress. I was enjoying intimacy without being wasted. Something I never was able to do my entire life. And now we are back at square one. Its sucks. Its another thing right now that is breaking me down. Another thing that makes me feel like Im never going to be okay.

But in the end I will be okay. We will get back on track. And we will get past this, and have a healthy intimate relationship.Together we can do this. Baby steps, just like everything else.