Lazy Sunday

Its been one lazy Sunday. Although we are all allowed a lazy day here and there right? I probably take them more than I should though.

Yesterday I was super productive. Got all the house cleaning done, as well as the laundry. So really today all I had to do was get a workout in. So I worked on yet another blog design. I think I really like this one, lets see how long I keep it. :p

Last night we went out to the bar to hear some techno music. We brought a couple friends of ours that normally dont listen to techno. It made me happy since I try to get my non techno friends to come out with me once in awhile, and am usually unsuccessful. Its nice to take them to a piece of my world. :) And it appeared they had a good time. She did say it was fun, but not a fabulous time. LOL Ill take that! Derek Plasklaiko did tear it up last night. Loved it! I drank regular beer last night....which probably wasnt a good idea. I hope it doesnt derail my weigh in this week. Today I ate unhealthy and drank way to much pop to. Im realizing that when I make one bad choice, there are many more bad choices that follow. So I have this bad feeling Ill have a gain this week. I had fun though, so if I do have a gain Ill just work harder on next weeks weigh in. Finally, after a very long day in my recliner I got up and did the 30 day shred. Thats whats so great about that workout, its 20 minutes...so really there is no excuse why you cant squeeze it in. As usual, I felt much better after I did it. :) And Im right on track with my exercise goal for the week. YAY!

Just watching the Grammys now. Its a decent show this year. Ill probably stay up to catch the MJ tribute. But than to bed..because its past my bedtime. lol Watching the Grammy's is not making me think about my normal Sunday blues. Thinking about going into a job that I dislike so much, for another long week. Ahhh yes, the Sunday blues. They get me every week.

But something exciting is happening this week! Ingrid Michaelson's tour dates are being announced!!!! I hope Detroit is on the tour!!!!! Something to look forward to this week :)

Wow, if this isnt a complete babbling post...I dont know what is! LOL

Days With My Father

I was watching the news tonight and there was an interview with this photographer, Phillip Toledano. He has created an amazing project, Days With My Father. Phillip's mother suddenly passed away, and he began taking care of his 98 year old father who suffered from Dementia. He has created a photo journal of the last days with his father. I can only imagine how hard this was to do, and have so much admiration for Phillip to have completed this project. I can imagine what this did for him personally, and also how this touched so many other people.

As I watched this slide show I went through a whirlwind emotions. I cried, a lot. And they were hard cries...where my eyes were so filled with so many tears that the computer screen got blurry. Shortly after that I would find myself laughing. There are some hilarious stories in this project...some that remind me of my own father :) And than of course more crying, with large waves of sadness. Through those tears I would find a smile creeping out as well. It really was a emotional roller coaster. The connection between the father and son in these pictures is so hard to put into words. I could say strong, but it was so much more. You could just feel all the emotions the father and the son went through in each picture. Simply amazing.

It obviously made me think of my own relationship with my dad, and even my grandpa. What strong aspects there were, and also what the relationship lacked that I wish I could of made stronger. Lots of emotions were brought up and Im thankful that they were released. This project helped me have a nice cleanse of tears. I could feel emotions lingering lately, but I kept fighting them. Something I probably do more than Id like. It also made me reflect on my own life. Where Ive been, where Im at now, and where I want to be. Amazing how a project of images and words can touch you in ways you never imagined. Thank you Phillip Toledano for being so vulnerable and strong to make a project like this. You have touched a special part in my heart, and helped in my own healing process. For that I will be forever grateful!

Here is a quote from Phillip himself about the project:

“When I was taking pictures of my father, I felt like someone drinking deeply from the well for a last time, before setting out on a long journey alone. I wanted to remember as much as possible. To see as much as I could, to remember smells, conversations, the light on my father’s face when he smiled, when he was angry. It was very strange, spending time with someone I knew would die soon (we both knew, and where both waiting for it). I did the project never thinking it would speak to other people. It’s funny, now, in retrospect, that something I thought was so personal is so universal. A big part of the project now has been the reaction from others. It’s incredible getting emails from people who want to reconnect with their estranged fathers, after looking at the work. Or from families, who’ve looked at the photos together. I have to say, it’s been an honor to help people.”

I encourage all of you to take a few minutes and check this out. Make sure you grab a tissue though!

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com

Another Pound Gone!

Weigh In day is here again...how fast you came! And Im happy to announce I have another pound gone. Slow and steady wins the race I suppose :)


I felt really strong with my workouts this week. I actually completed five days! Cycling, Running, and the 30 Day Shred. One day I even squeezed in two workouts. I forgot how much I love cycling class. It really has put a fire in me again. And I just saw that they added a Saturday and Sunday class. Another reason to not drink on the weekends, and get my ass out of bed early! Now as far as the eating...I need some help there. My soda intake is out of control. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. And fast food should NEVER be an option. So as you can tell my goals didnt work so well with me. Lets reflect shall we?

Last Week Goals:

• Only one 20 ounce pop every other day - I did good for about 2 days, than had at least 20 ounce per day
• Exercise 4 days - SUCCEEDED! Worked out 5 days!
• Eat a fruit/vegetable with every meal - I maybe ate 1 a day - its a start I suppose
• NO fast food (embarrassing that I even have to type this) - Failed 2 times

So...yeah. I was lucky to lose 1 pound! I have my mojo going with my workouts, so now time to add in another healthy goal. I really want to kick this soda habit. So I need to ponder on another way I can do this. I did buy milk this week. I usually drink pop with my dinner, so now Ive decided to try to drink milk with dinner instead. We shall see how that works out. Im going to focus only on two goals this week, and if I succeed than we will add a third next week.

This weeks goals:

• Exercise: 4 days of cardio, 3 days of strength, 1 day of Yoga
• Whenever I want to drink soda, I will drink milk instead

Okay, no excuses. I should meet both those goals! Im putting all this work into my workouts...why do I want to sabotage myself by eating so unhealthy? Seems like such a dumb thing to do, right? And Im not dummy...so enough is enough! :p

Oh, and a bonus motivator is coming my way. There is a department weight loss challenge going on at work. Basically we just weigh in on Tuesdays at work, but its the honor system. We dont have to share our weights..just the percentage we lost. And we can chose to go into the, "Gamble To Lose" program. We pitch in $10 in scratch off tickets, and if we maintain or lose we dont do anything else. But if we gain than we have to add in $1 scratch off card for that week. At the end of 8 weeks the top 2 losers when the scratch offs. I love scratch offs! And lets be honest...a lot of things dont really motivate me. Ive done biggest loser challenges before, where everyone knew my weight. I still at times couldnt find the inspiration or motivation to do what I needed to do. Instead I showed my gains, almost not even ashamed at times! Sad, isnt it? But something about doing this at work, around coworkers, who see you in the cafeteria eating breakfast and lunch. Now that SCREAMS motivation to me! LOL

So BRING IT ON! :p

Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone - Trance Dance

Just as I have started on this journey of me - I got an email from my friend, Fran. Fran inspires me. She always gets me to try new things, and just step outside my comfort zone. I love that about her!

When I got an email from her that had the title, Trance Dance, I thought to myself...oh boy, what could this be about! Now most people who know me know that I dislike Trance music, very much. I opened up the email and found something completely different than I thought. It is a type of moving mediation that is done blind folded. A friend of Fran's, Adele, has this friend that is a facilitator. She was having a free session at her house for 10 people. I was really intrigued so I RSVP'd, and looked into it a bit further on the Internet. I LOVED everything I read. It was something I was looking for to come out of my comfort zone, as well as connect with myself in a way I havent done in a long time.

Just to give a little bit more info about Trance Dance, I have copied this info from their website. Rather than me try to explain it and get half the point across. :p

TranceDance is a unique blend of body movement, healing sounds, dynamic percussive rhythms, transformational breathing techniques and the innovative use of a blindfold or bandanna - together stimulating a 'trance' state that promotes spiritual awakenings, mental clarity, physical stamina and emotional well-being. Driven by unique musical soundtracks recorded specifically for this method of healing, Trance Dance takes participants on an 'inner journey' not limited to our normal perceptions of space/time. Ritual trance journeys have been a vital part of shamanic and eastern dance cultures for thousands of years. Our contemporary approach to Trance Dance brings together the richness of these ancient rituals with some startlingly effective modern techniques.

TranceDance's primary focus is on healing and spiritual evolution. By dancing within the seclusion of darkness participants discover parallel realities where solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems are possible. Through Trance Dance we `disappear', becoming more like spirit, and simultaneously less attached to life's ordinary difficulties, making it possible at these moments to let these problems go.

When we arrived at the facilitator, Deb's, house the mood was already set. There was dimmed lights, candles lit, fire place going, music playing, and incense burning. Her living room was clear of furniture, with a wood floor. Getting even more intrigued! There were 6 of us that attended, which seemed to be a perfect number of people for the size room we had. We all gathered in a circle on the floor while Deb went over some key things about the Trance Dance. She had gone on a 10 day retreat in Guatemala where she was trained to be a facilitator. It sounded like an amazing experience! Some key things she had said, was that you may feel like you are fighting it. Dont. Just let the fear go, and go with it. She said that everyones journey would be different, and some people may get emotional. Its okay. And there is no right or wrong way to do this, everyones journey will be different and its always the right way.

The Trance Dance was a 90 minute session. When I heard this I thought, wow we are going to be standing/dancing for 90 minutes. I wonder if I can mediate for this long. Honestly I wondered if I would even dance. So I put my blind fold on, and kept an open mind. The music was BEAUTIFUL. All kinds of different music. Lots of tribal with flutes, percussion, and jazz even thrown in at times. There would be singing at times, usually not in english. I just tried to stop thinking about what was going on, and mediate. I think it was probably the 3rd or 4th song in all of a sudden I felt like someone as pushing on my hip. Like getting it to move. And I just went with it. Next thing I knew my body was just moving. Not in a way that I usually dance though. It was so weird but awesome at the same time!

Another thing I noticed was that whole thing Deb had said about fighting it. She said to ask yourself why your resisting. The feeling felt like it was being stopped in the middle of my chest. Like there was something stopping it from going through my whole body. It almost felt like a panic attack. I just took a few deep breaths, and let it go. Towards the end of the dance I was really fatigued. My legs were like jello, and my body was just heavy. I wanted to sit down but thought someone might trip over me.

The dance ends with 3 minutes of the om chant. We all sat down during that and took off our blindfolds when we were ready. We all than sat in a circle again and shared our experiences. Some of the girls had some really amazing stories. How they had such an emotional connection during the Trance Dance. And how it brought them clarity to things going on in their life. And one girl even talked about how she got so angry at one point, but just worked through it. How amazing does this all sound?

It was a really interesting experience for me, but I didnt really experience a spiritual aspect...or emotional. But I think I probably did, but I just didnt know how to connect the physical feeling, with the mental/emotional feeling. Like that how thing where I needed to take deep breaths....there probably was some emotional connection but I couldnt connect them. Maybe because I dont mediate often? Maybe because I was resisting? Maybe because Im not ready? Who knows. I do know it was a pretty amazing journey, and something I definitely would want to do again. We had talked about as a group of doing this once a month, or every other month. I think I want to be part of that so I can learn more things about me. Im sure every journey is different. During some of the dancing that I did...I thought to myself I probably look like an idiot but this just feels right, and feels GOOD! I loved that feeling. Its not something I feel very often.

I cant wait to share my experience with my therapist. She highly recommends music therapy, especially drum circles..which is another experience I want to have! So maybe she can give me a little more insight on my experience.

I LOVE trying new things like this. While stepping outside of my comfort zone is scary, it is also exhilarating. I need to do it more often! Growth is such an amazing thing...I seem to forget that since its been so long since Ive felt it!

The Year Of Me

When I was in therapy last week I was letting every emotion out. I felt like I was reaching a pretty low point. And just overwhelmed with life. I sort of talked a bit about this a few posts ago...

Well one thing that really got me down is I had to drop my classes this semester so we would have the extra money for all of Vinyls vet appointments. Ive finally registered for this interior design class, and was really looking forward to it. It was the one thing I was holding on to that I thought would bring some joy into my life. Don't get me wrong, there are many things great about my life....Grant, the dogs, etc. But I really needed something to help me personally. To light that fire in me again. So I was really looking forward to this. My therapist, being the smart woman she is, reassured me. She told me its okay you can take it next semester. For now you can just focus on you. On getting your health back on track, finding a new job, and just working on making you a happy, healthier person.

What a great concept, dont you think? How come it takes someone to say it to me to realize it than. LOL So since that session I have just gone with that idea. I asked her for some ideas for stress relief and she threw some great ones out there. First of all I have really made a commitment to myself to seeing this exercise and healthy eating thing through. Im sure it wont be all rainbows everyday, but Im going to enjoy the journey. Ive started looking at different classes or lectures that I could take, and found some great ones on mediation, goal setting, etc. I also decided to really seek out a grief support group. I found a 8 week series workshop, From Grief to New Hope, that starts in March. Im anxious about that one, but know it will be comforting to meet people who are going through what Im going through. Even if it is 2 years later. Im really putting myself first for once. Working on me. Because I deserve it.

Can this finally be the year of Melissa? As cliche as it sounds....Im in control of my own destiny. So it sure could be my year. Ive realized how unhappy I am, and how that reflects on different events in my life. I wish I was just more secure and happy with myself during my wedding. So I could of really embraced the whole process. I did enjoy it, but it could of been even better if I was in the right state of mind. I cant change the past, so all I can do is make improvements for the future!

I see some stepping outside my comfort zone in the future.....

Biggest Loser Weigh In 2

Today was our Biggest Loser Challenge weigh in.....and Im happy to say I took a 1 pound loss. Yay!


Last night when I was at cycling class I felt like I was doing a last chance workout. LOL Something about getting in a great workout the night before a weigh in....and something about all the calories you burn in cycling class!

Ill be honest, I thought maybe I would see a bigger loss, and than I reflected back on my week. I had quite a few ups and downs. A few really bad meals and way to much pop. I did workout more times this week than I have in a while. Two days I jogged, one day of 20 minute shred, and a cycling class. Normally I might get one day of the shred in. Sad, isnt it? I will say that my recent health problems of migraines and nausea can really put a damper on my workouts. Not that Im trying to make excuses, but somedays I cant work through it. :( I also was pretty good at staying within my calorie range...now if those calories were healthy or not is another story. Ive been using the Lose It App, and it calculated 1700 calories a week will bring me in at around a 1 pound loss a week. The 2 pound loss had a 1500 calorie limit which felt to low right away. I sort of even felt hungry at 1700 calories. So Ill have to play around with my calorie range, as well as the foods Im eating. Im sure if I ate foods that filled me up more, than I wouldnt be so hungry at this calorie limit.

I think setting goals is a good start. So here is my goals for this week:

• Only one 20 ounce pop every other day
• Exercise 4 days
  
• Eat a fruit/vegetable with every meal
  
• NO fast food (embarrassing that I even have to type this)
  

That seems very doable. Heres to a better week, and another loss!

Am I The Only One?

Who hates going to workout class and seeing yourself in the mirror? Its horrible. I think...who is that girl looking back at me? How in the hell did you get this size? I guess its motivation though eh? I would like to say its just in classes, but anytime Im at the gym I hate seeing clearly. So you want to know how ridiculous I am? I take my glasses off so everything is blurry. I try to tell myself that my glasses just slide off my face, and I like to get lost in the zone. But the reality is...if people are pointing and laughing at me (like I think they are), I cant see them! LOL Got to love insecurities eh? Nobody even glances my way, but for some reason my head cant comprehend that!

Tonight I went to cycling class. Luckily I got one of the last few bikes. I forgot its January and the gym is packed. I had to go to the third parking lot to find a spot! The bike that I got was front row, right in front of the instructor. Groan. Just before I left I said to Grant...hopefully I dont get front row and someone has to stare at my ass. LOL But looking at the positive...always the positive...I knew Id get the most of my workout being in the front row. No wimping out, or losing form when the instructor is right in front of me! I had that mirror staring at me. But this was like a 3D every wall in the room type mirror. The devil! Of course I thought wow everyone is like...look at that girl! Who does she think she is wearing that? So I took off my glasses, and enjoyed the rest of my class with blurry vision. HA! Im so messed up in the head.

I havent been to cycling class since before the wedding, so it was rough. But I just focused on my breathing, and drank lots of water. Before I knew it, class was over. Okay maybe not before I knew it...because I felt every single minute in that hour! I made it through a standing hill climb, surges, jumps, simulating jogs, and than the killer...sit down high resistance 12 minute hill climb. Phew! I feel GREAT! I love this feeling :)

Maybe in a few weeks I can keep my glasses on. :p

Just Breathe

So I have to admit life has been overwhelming these days. Very overwhelming. My health issues seem to have taken a down spiral, Vinyls been very sick, work drama, family, friends, along with everyday responsibilities. I just feel like Im at my threshold. So when I had a therapy appointment today I was really looking forward to it.

That was until I woke up and felt like complete crap. My week long headache had now turned into an unbearable migraine. One that sat right in my eyes. Half way through the work day I started to feel sick to my stomach, very nauseous, and I had a hive outbreak. I know these signs. It means my thyroid levels have dropped really low. On the way home from work I stopped at my endocrinologist and got some blood work done. To bad I had to debate and beg them to do it. My doctor kept saying it was to soon, and to come back in a month. Even after I told him about my symptoms. Nice doctor eh? Hopefully the blood work will tell my story and my doctor will realize its not in my head.

When I got home I grabbed something to eat and tried to sleep off some of my migraine. It didnt work very much, but it did make the migrane a little more tolerable. So off to my appointment I went. I thought about canceling but I know that I really need my appointments these days. So I went. And so glad I did.

My appointment today helped tremendously. More so than the last few appointments. I was able to let out all those overwhelming feelings that Im carry around. Let out in a way where I felt someone actually understood me. I also got to work through some of the stresses in my life. And my therapist gave me tons of information on things to help towards my own self care. It refocused me. I left there feeling optimistic. Something I havent felt in quite sometime. These next few months are all about me. Time to get my health back on track, and really doing things to make me happy. I never put me first, and its critical right now that I do!

Not as easy as riding a bike....

We are having a little bit of a heat wave here in Michigan. We had a high of 36 degrees today. I don't know if it ever got that high, but when I got outside it was around 10am and felt pretty balmy.

I decided that I would take advantage of this heat wave and take my run outside today. Now I just recently got back into the running game...and quite honestly its kicking my butt. Seriously. See Homer over there...I felt exactly like that. (And actually I think Ive used that Homer image before! HA!) The treadmill seems just a little bit easier these days. But I loathe the treadmill. So getting outside is good. I need to get use to winter running if I plan on running any races anyways. So out I went.

I got through 2 miles. I felt like I was in super slow motion, like when Will Farrell gets hit in the jugular in Old School. LOL I can definitely tell you that getting back into running is not as easy as riding a bike again. No sir. But it did feel good to have a 2 mile base. I remember when I very first started running a few years ago...30 seconds felt just like 2 miles felt today. Now that is something to reflect on :)

I would like to run a half marathon again...and something that may be happening in April (that I cant mention right now) would definitely motivate me to get in shape. So a half marathon could really be in my future. Right now 13.1 miles seems crazy....but Ive done it before so I know I can do it. One mile at a time.

6 Changes

Just like most people in January I have been thinking about New Years resolutions. I know some people think that its cliche, but I have always liked making New Years resolutions. Although over the years I have never found myself very successful at them. I usually take on to many at once, or get burnt out from not seeing changes right away. Yet every year I try again. There has to be a way to be more successful at these resolutions! As I browsed the many blogs I read I fell upon a blog that had a great method to meeting those New Years resolutions.

This method is by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits, 6 changes. While reading this blog it basically said everything I just mentioned above. The new year brings on so much optimism, and than within weeks it slowly fades away...for whatever reason. The 6 changes method was created to help be successful at these new habits. Here is some great info from the blog and website:

The Problem with Most Resolutions

While I love the optimism of New Year’s Resolutions, unfortunately, the enthusiasm and hope often fades within weeks, and our efforts at self improvement come to a whimpering end.

New Year’s Resolutions usually fail because of a combination of some of these reasons:

• We try to do too many resolutions at once, and that spreads our focus and energies too thin. It’s much less effective to do many habits at once (read more).
• We only have a certain amount of enthusiasm and motivation, and it runs out because we try to do too much, too soon. We spend all that energy in the beginning and then run out of steam.
• We try to do really tough habits right away, which means it’s difficult and we become overwhelmed or intimidated by the difficulty and quit.
• We try to be “disciplined” and do very unpleasant habits, but our nature won’t allow that to last for long. If we really don’t want to do something, we won’t be able to force ourselves to do it for long.
• Life gets in the way. Things come up unexpectedly that get in the way of us sticking with a habit.
• Resolutions are often vague — I’m going to exercise! — but don’t contain a concrete action plan and don’t use proven habit techniques. That’s a recipe for failure.

There are other reasons, but the ones above are easily sufficient to stop resolutions from succeeding.

The 6 Changes Method
So what are we to do? I’ve created the 6 Changes Method, along with a new site called 6Changes.com, to solve these problems:

• We only focus on one habit change at a time, so our focus and energies aren’t spread thinly.
• We implement the habit changes gradually, so we don’t run out of steam.
• We start out really, really easily, so it isn’t intimidating.
• We focus on enjoyable activities, so we don’t need “discipline”.
• We have two months to do the habit change, so if something comes up, it’s but a small bump in the road. And because we’re publicly committed, we’re going to get back on track.
• We have a very specific plan with actions built in, using proven habit change techniques.

If you stick with the method, you’ll do much better than you’ve done in the past with New Year’s Resolutions. You’ll focus on creating long-lasting habits rather than trying to reach a short-term goal that fails. You’ll maintain your enthusiasm for longer and not become overwhelmed by the difficulty of change. You’ll have habits that will change your life, and that’s no small feat.

The Method
So how does the 6 Changes method work?

It’s simple:

1. Pick 6 habits for 2010.
2. Pick 1 of the 6 habits to start with.
3. Commit as publicly as possible to creating this new habit in 2 months.
4. Break the habit into 8 baby steps, starting with a ridiculously easy step. Example: if you want to floss, the first step is just to get out a piece of floss at the same time each night.
5. Choose a trigger for your habit – something already in your routine that will immediately precede the habit. Examples: eating breakfast, brushing your teeth, showering, waking up, arriving at the office, leaving the office, getting home in the evening.
6. Do the 1st, really easy baby step for one week, right after the trigger. Post your progress publicly. (Read more.)
7. Each week, move on to a slightly harder step. You’ll want to progress faster, but don’t. You’re building a new habit. Repeat this until you’ve done 8 weeks.

You now have a new habit! Commit to Habit No. 2 and repeat the process.

Check out the website, there is tons of more detailed info on the 6 changes method and how to make this successful for you!

Seriously, this method makes new habits so attainable! And you have to admit, it makes complete sense :) Why didnt we think of this years ago? It makes me more excited to make goals for 2010. As I read on the website, to be successful you should be pick a daily habit. When I first thought about the 6 changes I wanted to make they weren't very specific, and definitely weren't daily habits. So Im still thinking on what my 6 changes will be. But will be making my first change public on here very soon :)

Biggest Loser Challenge

Tomorrow I'm starting a Biggest Loser Challenge with some online friends. Ive done this challenge many times before. Very unsuccessful. I'm hoping this time is different. Actually I NEED this time to be different.

So we take take a before picture, every week we send in a picture of ourselves on the scale, and at the end we send in an after picture. The person who has the highest loss percentage after 12 weeks is the winner. Normally there is no money involved, but a group of us have decided to do money on the side. I think its up to a $100 pot right now. Thats a nice chunk of change :)

This group of us on the side made our own little private facebook group. I think that the little competition going in there will be great! I also am trying to commit myself to running a half marathon for my 30th birthday. Well actually its the weekend after my birthday. That would really kick my butt into gear. I havent signed up yet...but think I should. That would be the only thing that would really motivate me. Putting money down that I cant get back!

Any suggestions on how I could make this challenge work for me, and not get frustrated and give up...are greatly appreciated. Because we all know Im the queen of do overs.

I havent been on the scale in sometime...so it will be interesting to see what the scale says in the morning.

Dun. Dun. DUN!

Worried

This morning I woke up on my own, which is a very rare occasion. Usually the doggies wake me up bright and early. When I glanced at the clock I saw that it was 10:30....and all 3 dogs were in place...so I thought..wow this is nice. I headed into the living room and smelled this awful stench. As I made my way into the kitchen I saw there was an accident. It looked like it was diarrhea. I began to look around more and found a few places in the living room where one of them vomited. And upstairs there was more vomit, this was clear mucus like though. The bathroom had it as well. As I let them outside the smell was intensified. I glance to the bottom of the stairs and see more. Once I got into the basement there were 2 pools of blood, as well as more diarrhea.

I immediately panicked. I glance out the window and see Vinyl laying down in the snow. I go out there and noticed some more blood in the snow. I let them back in and she was really lethargic and just went to lay down. I started to clean up the mess, and just found myself crying hysterically. The smell reminded me of just before Sadie passed. Sadie got cancer at an early age of 7, and had tumors all over her abdomen, stomach, and bowels. She couldnt control her bowel movements, and there was lots of cleaning up like this. I was keeping a close eye on Vinyl, and she was definitely not acting like herself. Anytime she drank water, I would let her out shortly after that and she would vomit. So I started calling around to find a ER vet that wouldnt be to ridiculous in price.

I found a place that charged $99 for the exam, so gave it another hour before I knew I needed to take her in. Unfortunately our funds are very limited right now, and I couldnt afford to get her a full work up. But they gave her a shot to help with the vomit, and an iv of fluids. They also gave me some antibiotics for her that will help with inflammation of her bowel. Since we have been home shes just been laying around. Actually shes been hiding in our bed all day. I can see the worry and pain in her eyes. Its breaking my heart. I tried to feed her the bland diet they suggested, but she wouldnt even take the food when I hand fed it. I even pulled out some deli fresh, she loves that, and she wouldnt even take that. :(

I really think this is related to the weight issues she had before. It has to be some digestive issue. I just wish I could find a vet to figure out what is going on with her! We have taken her to a few vets now and nothing. The vet at the ER did mention getting a test done on her pancreas.

Last night she was eating, playing, and acting like her good ol self. Grant even was up till around 4am, and said she didnt have any accidents before than. Its weird how it just snuck up on her like this. I hate seeing her like this. Im so worried. I cant lose her. Not now. I just want a few more years. Does that make me selfish? :( Hopefully she will eat tomorrow. We have to get her into the vet to get a full set of xrays, and bloodwork. Something we have done a few times in the last 6 months and found nothing. I hope we get some answers this time. Before its to late. :(

A Complete Mess

When I got back from the wedding I started seeing my therapist on a more regular basis. I was just feeling more down than usual, and felt like I was slipping into depression. I wasn't sure if it was the post wedding blues, or actually depression. What I did know is that the dark cloud surrounding me weighed heavier than it has in the last 18 months. She suggested a psychiatrist who prescribed me Wellbutrin. Why did taking an antidepressant completely freak me out?

I gave it a try for a week and had pretty intense side effects. Which I thought would happen because any medications I take is like that. The worse side effect was this unbearable migraine. At the same time I also switched my thyroid meds. And during that first week I was actually feeling really good. I knew that the Wellbutrin couldnt be working that fast, so assumed it probably was the thyroid meds I was on. I have been on these before and they worked great, so was happy they had the same effect. Ive spent so long feeling like crap that I really felt like a new person. I stopped the Wellbutrin for a number of reasons. I couldnt deal with the 7 day migraine. And there is a lot of connection between hypothyroid and depression. I wanted to let the new medications get in my system and than re-evaluate if I should be on a antidepressant. If it really is due to my thyroid, taking a antidepressant is working against me. I made a promise to myself to give it a month, and stop sabotaging myself with unhealthy habits during this time as well. Habits like drinking alcohol, eating unhealthy, and not working out. If I still feel down after doing those things, than at least I know I gave it my all, and tried everything. Well Ive been on the thyroid meds for almost 3 weeks and I have plateaued. Im exhausted and tired again. And my mood has down spiraled.

Im so torn on what move to make, or how to handle this. If the depression is in fact due to my thyroid, Id like to just focus on getting a normal thyroid level. But what if its not? And being on an antidepressant would be the answer for me now. I wish I could find an endocrinologist that could help and support me better to. I see mine once every 4 months, and literally get maybe 10 minutes max with him. I dont feel like Im really being listened to either. I was very uncomfortable with they psychiatrist I went to, so got a second recommendation from my therapist. She recommended a psychiatrist who has a extensive medical background. The first psychiatrist I went to wasnt very understanding about my thyroid disease. He was like everyone else and thought that I should take a pill and feel better. Its so much more than that. So Id like to go to a psychiatrist that understands a little bit about thyroid disease. Hopefully this second recommendation will be more helpful.

Now with all that being said....situational depression definitely makes sense. With all the things Im dealing with in my life, some days I wonder how Im functioning. Obviously the big issue is my dads passing, and my estrangement from my mom. That has resulted in a very distant relationship with the rest of my family. Those things alone make life pretty hard a majority of the time. Throw in that we just went through the holidays, and got married with only 1 family member present...well I can see how that could cause some depression. Lately I have been having work drama that has really made me miserable as well. And I have so many other insecurities that I could be here all day writing about them. So maybe I am truly depressed. Or maybe its a combo of both?

So what do I do about this? Do I tackle the thyroid issue? Do I try antidepressants? Im still trying to figure that all out.

What I do know is I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to stop continuing to eat the way Im eating. When I stop putting crap in my mouth, maybe I will stop feeling like crap. And exercising is essential at this time. The weight gain is something that daily brings me down, so simple solution is to workout. And working out will only improve my mood. So there is two great reasons to work out. But why is that so difficult for me though?And the drinking alcohol, I need to stop with the drinking. I can fully admit that I drink and eat to feel better and have fun, which is exactly why I need to stop. Because drinking is a downer, and boy does it bring me down. It brings out every insecurity I have, and I usually end up being overly emotional. Nobody should have to deal with that. And why do I want to put myself in that state?

I feel like a complete mess. And there are so many parts out of place that Im overwhelmed on what to do first. I feel alone and wish I could find someone who can relate to me. I have Grant and friends who do support me, but they just dont understand how Im feeling. Id love to have someone who can understand that.

I just want to be happy and normal again.

Reality Check

Well I am have started off this year with a big, FAT, reality check! I know that Im at the highest weight Ive ever been. I know that the choices I make on a daily basis are factors in this. But sometimes you just need something to smack you in the face and say, Hey Melis...you are out of control.

Last week I went shopping to find something to wear for New Years Eve. Now shopping can be quite the depressing activity for me. So I was sort of mentally prepared for it. As usual I couldn't find anything that fit right. I felt ugly in everything. My rolls stuck out everywhere. So I decided what anyone my size would do, accessories Melissa. Accessories. But even accessories were slim. As I was heading back home, I passed an old favorite bra store of mine, so decided to go in and treat myself to a new bra instead. I could tell that the ones Ive been wearing are definitely the wrong size. So I went in and got sized by a consultant. Sure enough I was wearing a size WAY to small. When she told me the size, I gasped. Than I thought she probably is a little off. They usually are. But once she brought the bras out, and I tried them on, she was pretty accurate.

What was the reality check? The bra size was the same size I was BEFORE I had my breast reduction. If that isnt a HUGE reality check, than I dont know what is. The difference this time is that my breast tissue is all FAT. Where before it was more all dense tissue. Its pretty embarrassing actually. I went through so much to get approved for that surgery. Than take in account the recovery process and time....its shameful that Ive let myself get like this! Im sure once I take healthier steps the weight will come off, and Ill have my small boobs back again but its the whole principle! I even had a lift when I had my surgery...now since Im back to the yo yo game of gaining and losing, the lift...well isnt so lifting anymore. :(

So there it is. A reality check. Sometimes you need something to smack you in the face to finally realize you have to make changes. Ive been trying to make small changes in the short 7 days of the new year...and I can tell its going to be a long hard journey. One Ive taken many times before. But it can be done. Oh yes it can be done.

2010 Here I Come...

I love the New Year. Some people think its so cliche with resolutions everywhere, but I really enjoy it. It feels like a fresh start. A clean slate. Another chance to make this year better than the last. And with this year being the beginning of a decade it just makes things even more exciting.

2009 was a great year. Certainly one of the high points was getting married and having the most amazing wedding! But there were also some low times. But why dwell on the low points. They are in the past, and should stay there! Im looking forward to the growth I can make in 2010. There are so many opportunities out there, and I hope to take advantage of as many as I can!

I do have some resolutions, but Im still working them out before I commit to them. So stay tuned for that!

Sorry so short, but I need to get to bed!