So the last few days have been emotionally draining. Im going to try to get all of this out so I can try to move forward. So I can stop self destructing myself. So I can try to understand my feelings.
Yesterday was my mothers wedding. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. And I didnt stop thinking about it all day. I felt a big dark cloud come over me, and sadness took over. Grant and I went to get breakfast and that took my mind off things for a little while. I called and checked up on some friends that were going through some difficult things and that helped as well. A friend at works dad passed on Tuesday. He has been sick for quite sometime so this wasnt a sudden thing. But it definitely has brought up feelings I dont want to deal with. But I need to deal with them. The anniversary of my dads passing is coming up in two months. I cant ignore that. Even though I want to. When I called Danita to check up on her (her Aunt passed this week as well), we decided to meet up. Now this is the part where I sound like Im crazy. I was telling her about my moms wedding, and how it was literally a few miles away, and I wanted to go see who was there. She said she would go with me. So we went and parked across the street and stalked my moms wedding. What the hell is wrong with me? What was that going to do for me? Nothing positive.
I havent talked to my sisters in weeks, actually months. Ive talked a little bit over email but just a few one liners. The last time I talked with them about my moms wedding was around Christmas and they said they most likely would not be able to support my mom through this wedding. So when we pulled up, the first thing I noticed was their cars. I wasnt sure if Tammy was there, but Kelly and Robin were there for sure. I also noticed a few of my parents friends there. So we sat there for a little while and than they all started to come out. Sure enough both of my sisters and their entire family came out. It hurt. I than saw my mom come out with her new husband which is what I wanted to see. I wanted to see them with my two own eyes. See that it was real. See that she actually went through with it. And she did.
Now I probably sound like some selfish brat. I realize that. Its not that I dont want my mom to be happy. I do. And its not that I expect my sisters to take sides, because I dont. I dont know exactly what I want, nor expect. I guess for once Id like my sisters to be up front about things. Maybe I read into their words to much. But they made it sound like to me that they didnt necessarily agree with how my mom was acting, nor her actions. For goodness sakes she calls my sisters (who are her stepdaughters) and tells her how she has meant the man she was truly meant to be with. He treats her like no one has before. And they have told me how that bothers them. Because their father took care of my mom for 18 years! So to see them there felt so hypocritical to me. They have their reasons for doing what they are doing I suppose, and kudos to them to be able to suppport her. Than again she is not their mother, just their step mother so maybe thats easier for them.
Maybe its jealously? Because my mother is able to move forward. Shes happy, supposedly. Shes remarried already, moving forward, starting her new life. And she has the support of family. Where here I am, feeling all alone, struggling some days to even get out of bed, and feel the support of no family. I feel like an orphan. No parents, no siblings, no extending family. Grant and the dogs are my only family, and sometimes I feel I put to much pressure on Grant with that. Why does my mom get the happiness? Why does she get the support? What she is doing is crazy, and how she is acted is really ridiculous. With everything shes done since my dads passing. But just because that is who she is, she is accepted and supported. Why? Ive confided in my sister, and my BIL about all of this. How Im feeling. How Im struggling. I still feel they arent truly there for me. They dont reach out to much, and I thought maybe they would of contacted me and told me they were going to her wedding, and just wanted me to know. Or called to see how I was doing since they knew I had an invite. I undestand I cant hold expectations to people. They dont know how I feel or what I need. So in that respect I cant hold it against them, but at the same time why do I have to reach out every single time?
Also with my mom. Seeing her yesterday..maybe felt like more closure to me? Made me think Im making the right choice but estranging myself from her? She knows how I feel, and she was able to go through such an important thing in her life without me by her side? Her happiness means more to her than her relationship with her daughter? Than again I guess Im doing the same thing. My happiness means more to me than my relationship with my mother. But in my case its my mental health. She was destroying it. I just dont understand why she wouldnt try to repair our relationship. Why she would go ahead and remarry, even though that may be at the cost of losing her daughter for ever. Is this me being selfish? Why wouldnt the two of them want to have a relationship with me? Why are they rushing everything? They could of taken sometime and tried to mend the relationship with me, as well as with her new husbands sons. Obviously there is a lot of history between my mother and I some of you readers dont know so its hard to understand without the whole story being told.
I dont understand why Im feeling the way I do. I made the choices Im living today. I chose this. But why is it so lonely? Why do I feel like Im set myself up to have no family? Why am I feeling these feelings? It feels so unfair to me, but I CHOSE this. So why do I feel like I regret them? Often I say to myself...Melis this is your only mother, only living parent. She cant help the way she does things, she doesnt know better. You are the stronger one. You are the mentally healthy one. So you should be the bigger person. But than I know if I was speaking to my mom, I would have a lot of anger towards her decisions, and we would still have a very unhealthy relationship. So why cant I just get pass this and move on. Instead I let the sadness consume me. I let this black cloud follow me around, and feel very woe is me. How do I get pass this?
Why does she get to be happy? Why dont I? She is happily married now. And here I am planning a wedding with no family at all, and cry everytime I think about my actual wedding day. Being alone. With no family. And Grant will be there with a very supportive family. I know his family is my family but it just doesnt feel the same.
What did I do to deserve this? Why did he have to go right when I felt things were falling right in place. I finally felt after 27 years that I had a family. A family that loved me. A family I belonged to. And in a second hes gone. Everything is gone. They say everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that. But what is the reason for him leaving me so soon? Because nothing positive is coming out of it at all!
I feel alone. Very alone. As I saw them yesterday I thoughts, wow even with all the actions my mom has taken she still yet has her entire family minus me. While I sit here looking on in on what use to be my family. I try to make healthy choices, and still feel like the unbalanced, outsider.
I try to find the strength, but its getting harder each day.
phew, it sure is dusty on this blog! I have sat down many times over the last month to blog, but nothing really came out. I dont know why there has been tons of things to blog about.
