Our Wedding Website

Ive been meaning to share this for a little while now, but kept forgetting to blog about it! Probably about a month ago we started to create our wedding website. We sent out our Save The Dates, which included a magnet with our website. So we figured we should probably get that up and running since we are advertising it now. lol

So first we had to chose a domain name. Everything we came up with was taken, except www.melissaandgrant.com. It worked but wasnt our first choice since we thought the double A would throw people off. But we couldnt come up with anything more clever, so www.melissaandgrant.com it is :)

We had a few ideas bouncing around in our heads on what we wanted. So we started doing some mock ups, and were excited with the ideas we came up with. Grant is an awesome web designer so he would be doing all of the design work. So later that day I had a lia sophia show, and than went over a friends house for a spa/game night. I came home later that night to a wonderful surprise. Grant pretty much had the meat and potatoes of the website done. (Even when I talk about wedding stuff I reference food. Geez Mel!) When I looked at it I just grinned ear to ear. I had a image in my head of what it would look like, and this was above and beyond that! I LOVED it! It is so us to. Which a lot of people have told us :)

So next thing to do was the content. So as I worked on finding photos and writing up our love story...Grant had this great idea of a quiz. He was going to hide the answers within the site. He was so excited about this. I told you I have the best finance ever :) And I have to say, its been a bit hit. Its the first thing everyone talks about in reference to the site. :)

Just a few short hours later we had all the content filled out. Unfortunately we don't have a ton of info yet. (Im thinking we should though....we are almost at the 6 month period...should I be freaking out yet? LOL) But once we get more info...such as accommodations, venues, at home reception details, etc....than we will update the site with all that additional info. Or if another clever idea comes to mind that may get added sooner. The two of us are always bouncing ideas off each other...so you never know what we might come up with!

We had so much fun putting this site together! Check it out and tell me what you think :)

www.melissaandgrant.com

Keep Breathing

So to help with the difficult times Im compiling a playlist of feel good songs. Okay not all feel good. But songs that help me get through times like this. A dear friend of mine, Katie, has recommended this man, many times. She has gone through similar things like I have, and every song she refers me to...helps. Tremendously. Which means I need to download Kelly Clarkston like Katie recommended! One artist that helps me a lot is Ingrid Michaelson. Today I think Ive belted out singing this numerous times.

• Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

More Ingrid Michaelson music on iLike

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Thank you once again Miss Ingrid. XO

Why?

So the last few days have been emotionally draining. Im going to try to get all of this out so I can try to move forward. So I can stop self destructing myself. So I can try to understand my feelings.

Yesterday was my mothers wedding. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. And I didnt stop thinking about it all day. I felt a big dark cloud come over me, and sadness took over. Grant and I went to get breakfast and that took my mind off things for a little while. I called and checked up on some friends that were going through some difficult things and that helped as well. A friend at works dad passed on Tuesday. He has been sick for quite sometime so this wasnt a sudden thing. But it definitely has brought up feelings I dont want to deal with. But I need to deal with them. The anniversary of my dads passing is coming up in two months. I cant ignore that. Even though I want to. When I called Danita to check up on her (her Aunt passed this week as well), we decided to meet up. Now this is the part where I sound like Im crazy. I was telling her about my moms wedding, and how it was literally a few miles away, and I wanted to go see who was there. She said she would go with me. So we went and parked across the street and stalked my moms wedding. What the hell is wrong with me? What was that going to do for me? Nothing positive.

I havent talked to my sisters in weeks, actually months. Ive talked a little bit over email but just a few one liners. The last time I talked with them about my moms wedding was around Christmas and they said they most likely would not be able to support my mom through this wedding. So when we pulled up, the first thing I noticed was their cars. I wasnt sure if Tammy was there, but Kelly and Robin were there for sure. I also noticed a few of my parents friends there. So we sat there for a little while and than they all started to come out. Sure enough both of my sisters and their entire family came out. It hurt. I than saw my mom come out with her new husband which is what I wanted to see. I wanted to see them with my two own eyes. See that it was real. See that she actually went through with it. And she did.

Now I probably sound like some selfish brat. I realize that. Its not that I dont want my mom to be happy. I do. And its not that I expect my sisters to take sides, because I dont. I dont know exactly what I want, nor expect. I guess for once Id like my sisters to be up front about things. Maybe I read into their words to much. But they made it sound like to me that they didnt necessarily agree with how my mom was acting, nor her actions. For goodness sakes she calls my sisters (who are her stepdaughters) and tells her how she has meant the man she was truly meant to be with. He treats her like no one has before. And they have told me how that bothers them. Because their father took care of my mom for 18 years! So to see them there felt so hypocritical to me. They have their reasons for doing what they are doing I suppose, and kudos to them to be able to suppport her. Than again she is not their mother, just their step mother so maybe thats easier for them.

Maybe its jealously? Because my mother is able to move forward. Shes happy, supposedly. Shes remarried already, moving forward, starting her new life. And she has the support of family. Where here I am, feeling all alone, struggling some days to even get out of bed, and feel the support of no family. I feel like an orphan. No parents, no siblings, no extending family. Grant and the dogs are my only family, and sometimes I feel I put to much pressure on Grant with that. Why does my mom get the happiness? Why does she get the support? What she is doing is crazy, and how she is acted is really ridiculous. With everything shes done since my dads passing. But just because that is who she is, she is accepted and supported. Why? Ive confided in my sister, and my BIL about all of this. How Im feeling. How Im struggling. I still feel they arent truly there for me. They dont reach out to much, and I thought maybe they would of contacted me and told me they were going to her wedding, and just wanted me to know. Or called to see how I was doing since they knew I had an invite. I undestand I cant hold expectations to people. They dont know how I feel or what I need. So in that respect I cant hold it against them, but at the same time why do I have to reach out every single time?

Also with my mom. Seeing her yesterday..maybe felt like more closure to me? Made me think Im making the right choice but estranging myself from her? She knows how I feel, and she was able to go through such an important thing in her life without me by her side? Her happiness means more to her than her relationship with her daughter? Than again I guess Im doing the same thing. My happiness means more to me than my relationship with my mother. But in my case its my mental health. She was destroying it. I just dont understand why she wouldnt try to repair our relationship. Why she would go ahead and remarry, even though that may be at the cost of losing her daughter for ever. Is this me being selfish? Why wouldnt the two of them want to have a relationship with me? Why are they rushing everything? They could of taken sometime and tried to mend the relationship with me, as well as with her new husbands sons. Obviously there is a lot of history between my mother and I some of you readers dont know so its hard to understand without the whole story being told.

I dont understand why Im feeling the way I do. I made the choices Im living today. I chose this. But why is it so lonely? Why do I feel like Im set myself up to have no family? Why am I feeling these feelings? It feels so unfair to me, but I CHOSE this. So why do I feel like I regret them? Often I say to myself...Melis this is your only mother, only living parent. She cant help the way she does things, she doesnt know better. You are the stronger one. You are the mentally healthy one. So you should be the bigger person. But than I know if I was speaking to my mom, I would have a lot of anger towards her decisions, and we would still have a very unhealthy relationship. So why cant I just get pass this and move on. Instead I let the sadness consume me. I let this black cloud follow me around, and feel very woe is me. How do I get pass this?

Why does she get to be happy? Why dont I? She is happily married now. And here I am planning a wedding with no family at all, and cry everytime I think about my actual wedding day. Being alone. With no family. And Grant will be there with a very supportive family. I know his family is my family but it just doesnt feel the same.

What did I do to deserve this? Why did he have to go right when I felt things were falling right in place. I finally felt after 27 years that I had a family. A family that loved me. A family I belonged to. And in a second hes gone. Everything is gone. They say everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that. But what is the reason for him leaving me so soon? Because nothing positive is coming out of it at all!

I feel alone. Very alone. As I saw them yesterday I thoughts, wow even with all the actions my mom has taken she still yet has her entire family minus me. While I sit here looking on in on what use to be my family. I try to make healthy choices, and still feel like the unbalanced, outsider.

I try to find the strength, but its getting harder each day.

Give up? Not today!

So Ive felt pretty inspired since my post last night. Ive been keeping those thoughts in mind all day today. And its a good thing I did because today was an eventful day for me. In a not so great way. A few situations came up that would usually derail me right back to those things that keep holding me back. But today was different than other days. I took control, and said no.

First, I received a call from my mom today at work. My mom and I are estranged right now. She thought it would be a great idea to call me at work and let me know that my aunt passed away. And throw in digs about how great she is doing. (she is getting married next weekend) I was overwhelmed with emotions. For one, the passing of my aunt. She is my favorite aunt and has been sick for a long time. She has AIDS, so has been fragile for quite sometime. She got anemonia, which is how she passed. I also was overwhelmed with the fact that I was speaking to my mother for the first time in 6 months, and it wasnt my choice. So I decided to go out to lunch, and I was thinking fast food. I needed fast food, fast. Instead my coworker tagged along and she suggested Zoup. I said, that is a great idea. So we went to Zoup and I had soup and a half salad.

Another thing that happened today is I came home and decided that I would move on to level 3 on my Jillian Michaels 30 day shred workout. I got through the first circuit and thought I was going to die. I seriously couldnt handle it. I said, forget this and went to go shut it off. Than I remembered not to give up. So went back into position and just modified the moves where need be. Damn that was a hard workout. Its seriously 5 times harder than level 2! But I made it through without dying. And felt pretty good afterwards.

And lastly, I continued working on a paper for my art class. Ive been working on this paper for the last few days, and I am not making very good progress. As I sat there thinking there is no way this rough draft is going to be done tomorrow in time, so they negative talk started. Who do I think I am going back to school? I cant even write this paper. This was a huge mistake. Im so dumb. Forget it Im not even going to turn this in. Overreact much? I often do. I recollected my thoughts remembering my post again from last night. I refocused, completed a better outline for my paper, and decided Ill take the 5 point penalty and not turn in the rough draft.

In the midst of all this drama inside my head, Grant was letting me know he was going to Burger King for dinner. He asked what I wanted. I sat there for a minute...than said nothing. One of my goals this week is to not eat fast food. Ill eat the leftover subway in the fridge.

Go Mel!

Small changes. Being in control. Taking a minute to re-assess. Keep on moving forward no matter what! In with positive, out with the negative. I feel happy about my choices today :) Take that old Melissa :p

Healthy Reflections - HYC Week 10

So I always get these Healthy Reflection emails from Sparkpeople.com. They really get me thinking, and I received one in my inbox that I thought was perfect to blog about this week.

Who is standing in your way?

Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves. - Robert Frost

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

Wow, seriously sparkpeople should let me know when they are hanging out inside my head! Its like they were calling me out. Every single thing they named seems to be me to a tee lately. And actually just before I decided to blog tonight the one thing on the top of the list is procrastination! Ive known about this paper Ive had to write since classes started in January, and the rough draft was postponed 2 weeks, yet I still havent started it. Actually Ive tried but just sit and stare at a blank screen. So I blogged instead. Procrastination at its best.

Lately Im so unorganized that it causes so much chaos for me. But I created it, no one else. I complain about people holding me up from being late, but than Im late myself. But I hardly will ever admit that to myself. The energy it takes to find the negativity in everything has definitely been wearing me down. And giving up seems to be my mantra lately. Since when did I give in so easily? Im a fighter, and love to feel like one! So who has taking over my body? I have news for them....I want the Melissa I know back.

Im in charge. Im ready to act like Im in charge. No more of this choosing who to blame. Im the only one to blame. I shall take responsibility. And for goodness sakes, no more negativity. No more focusing on my weakness. No more being so unsure of myself. Because where is it getting me? Absolutely nowhere! I have recommitted myself this week to my healthy lifestyle. To eating better, treating my body better, and being nicer to myself. If I hit a roadblock, so what! It makes the journey so much more worth it in the end. I owe it to myself to keep moving forward.

Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference. Sounds like great things to work on this week. First Ill start by getting to bed at a decent hour. So that will be my cue to say goodnight ;)

Ashamed To Admit This...

But I need to say it out loud. I need to see it on paper, or on the monitor in this case. I need to put it out there, so its out and no longer a secret. I dont know if it will make me feel accountable or if it will just make me feel more embarrassed but I just feel the need to say it.

Ive had food issues for as long as I can remember. And getting to the bottom of things and understanding why I make the choices I do seems to be a never ending process. I guess its all a work in progress. But what I did this weekend was really rock bottom.

So Ive never binged ate before. Well I never considered it binge eating. Where I actually consumed an insane amount of calories in a short period of time. But when I do things like I'm about to mention it does feel like it could be a mild case of binge eating. Or maybe borderline binge eating/emotional eating.

Anyways, on Saturday I was going out to the bar with some girlfriends and I thought I would go see if I could find something new to wear. I need to go shopping for new clothes badly, repeating the same few outfits that fit is getting old really quick. And of course its nice to feel cute in something new when your going out with the girls. So I attempted to go find a cute shirt. Of course everything was to tight, or to big. I cant fit in a medium without my back fat bulging out, or my rolls in the front looking like I may be pregnant. And when I went up a size it was just to baggy where it was just as unflattering. I couldnt find a thing. Of course it put me in a panicky mode. Not panic that I couldnt find anything, panic that Ive let myself get to this point Ive been so many times before. Instead of just rolling with the punches of course I let it get the best of me. I let the negative talk creep in, and just started putting myself down. Feeling like a loser. I should have remembered a comment Karen left on a blog I wrote earlier this week, Be nice to yourself. But I didnt.

When I left the store all I kept thinking was what can I eat? Eating will make me feel better. Something cheesy or greasy will do the trick. And wouldn't you know there was a Little Ceasers right inside the shopping center. So off I went. I ordered crazy bread with a Pepsi. The guy looked at me and said, thats all? I said yep. I felt guilty like he knew I was going to stuff that bread in my face like there was no tomorrow. I went back to my car, and sat in that parking lot and ate that entire order of bread in what felt like less than five minutes. Why did I eat it in my car? Because I didnt want to face Grant. I was embarrassed. I ate in hiding. And trashed the evidence in a trashcan at the bank on the way home.

Seriously? What is my problem? I never did anything like that before. And it felt very wrong, but very good at the same time. I guess I have a bigger battle with food addiction than I think I do. I cant believe I just typed this out.

WOO HOO! LA Fitness is officially open!

Finally, after many weeks of anticipation the LA Fitness gym by my house opened up. Ive been looking forward to this mainly because I need something to kick my ass in gear. Figures that it opens when my monthly friend is here. But I stuffed my bloated self in some workout clothes and headed on up there. I was expecting a bit more than what I saw, but dont get me wrong its still a very nice facility. I think maybe because its such a large space and there wasnt a ton of people in there.

The weight machines and free weights are all on the main floor. And than there is this second floor that is like half a floor. I think that disappointed me. I thought it was going to be a full second floor. All the cardio was up there. Treadmills, bikes, ellipticals. The treadmills are actually right up to the railing. So when your running on them anyone walking in or downstairs looks up at you as your dying from exhaustion. :p As well as you can look down and see the people on the weights. Not sure how I like that set up just yet....

Than I did see the swimming pool right to the left of the entrance. The front windows from the parking lot look in on the pool area. Basketball court is kinda tucked away in the back, but the spinning class room, aerobic room, and racquet ball courts are all along the sides, midway on the main floor. Those are all open to, as in you can see in the rooms very clearly. All window walls. I guess noticing all the openness has my self consciousness creeping up. Im think to myself, that sucks for us out of shape folks. Not that anyone even cares what I look like when Im working out. :p

Very nice new machines. I hopped around on a few different cardio machines. The treadmill fitness test said I did POOR! lol But it felt good to be running again :) It will be nice to get back into a routine. The classes wont start for another few weeks. They didnt have a schedule yet. Im curious on the classes, and think Ill definitely try out a few. They aren't additional cost so thats nice. And there is such a variety! The hours are really nice. I can squeeze in before work, after work, or late night to.

I felt so bleh when I was in there today. Bloated, overweight, out of shape. So it will be nice to start to feel some progress, and healthy again.

Law of the Garbarge Truck

So I received this email today, and thought it was so great that I had to share. Enjoy :)

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...

Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Have a wonderful, garbage-free day!--Author Unknown

Healthy You Check In - Week 9

First let me give a HUGE thanks to all of you that posted a comment on my last blog. It helped so much. And I'm taking all of your advice to heart. This week small goals. I'm putting to much pressure on myself and than beating myself up because I cant meet my own expectations!

I cant believe its already week 9. And its sad to think of where I am, and where I could be. But no time to dwell on a shoulda, coulda, woulda. Each day gives me a new opportunity to improve. And I have to keep that positive outlook.

I have some great news! LA Fitness officially opens on Thursday! WOOOHOOOO! I think that is going to be a HUGE help! I know a few friends are planning on doing the classes there, so Ill plan to meet them and there I have my accountability.

I'm still feeling in a funk (although that could be a case of the Mondays), but Im definitely feeling a brighter outlook coming on.

Thank you again for your support....you pulled me up right when I needed it. XO