One Focus For Now - HYC

So I havent checked in with the Healthy You Challenge in quite sometime. Its way overdue. Sadly I dont have any progress to really report. I just keep playing this game with myself, and I dont know why. I can say Im going to make a change, but I find something to hold me back. Sometimes I think I dont deserve it.

But I do deserve it. So what I did decide was to focus on one thing, and that was going to be running. I know Ill see improvements with running, and I know seeing progress is what I need. I really loved the way I felt when I was running before, and often long for that feeling. Im only into my second week on this "change". But Im happy to report I stuck to my 3 days of running, and also did 2 days of cross training. I want to minimum run 3 days a week. I figure that I can stick to, and everything else is a bonus. We all have to start somewhere.

I did notice last week what works gym wise for me. I wasnt carpooling because we had to take furlough weeks, so I packed my gym bag everyday and went directly to the gym after work. Only one day did I really have to force myself, kicking and screaming, to go there. And I always felt fantastic afterwards. Now when I carpool this does make going directly to the gym from work a little bit more difficult. But I have to make it work. Recently, Ive found myself hitting a rut of depression, and exercise is essential when Im like this. It really does help my mood. I have to just keep that in mind.

Ive seen a lot of pictures of myself lately, and am disgusted on who I see. I dont see myself as that person in the photos. Especially when Im running. I do feel somewhat fit, but look so unfit. Its depressing. I know my food is to blame. I can not get it under control. I figure Ill stick to my workout goals for now, and than slowly work on my food issues.

So yeah thats it in a nutshell. Consistenty with running. That I can do.

How Michael Jacksons death has affected me

This post is probably going to be deep, just as an FYI. Also a side note: I never know if Im using the right word: affect vs effect......

When I heard of MJ's death I was shocked, as Im sure most of us were. Im a huge MJ fan, regardless of who he has become. I was sadden to hear the news, and that was all it was. Until I had time to digest it to another level. On Friday I went to the gym after work (kicking and screaming I might add, but knew it would help my mood) and every TV had coverage on MJ's death. So as I working out I couldnt help but be sucked into the TV's reading all the captions.

One thing in particular that gave me chills was the 911 call. As most of you that read this blog probably know, my dad passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack a little over a year ago. Suddenly I started to have flashbacks of that dreadful morning. The call I received from my mom with her screaming that he wasnt breathing. Driving 100 mph down the freeway to get to their house. And than the call I got from my sister telling me he was gone.

As I was walking out of the gym (and had all these horrid memories flashing in my head) I saw an elderly man coming into the gym for his own workout. My dad was 69 when he passed. He was older than most people my age dads are. So whenever I see elderly people I get sad. Very sad. And mad. It reminds me of him, and than reminds me that hes gone and wont really reach that grandpa age for my children. Its weird. But I know its part of grieving. So as I looked at that man I got really sad. I wanted to go up to him and hug him. Of course just for me to feel better. I wondered if he has family that appreciates him. I always wonder that when I see an elderly person. The other day I was driving and a guy in the car behind me had what looked like his grandpa in the car, or it may have been his dad. He sat on his cell phone talking, and I saw the elderly man look over at him a few times, and than turn to look out the window. I know Im probably assuming things, but I thought, dude get off the phone! And enjoy the time you have with him. It may have not even been that scenario but those are things that cross my mind often. Sorry got off on a tangent there. So I thought about that elderly man in the gym as I walked to my car. Before I got to my car I already had tears in my eyes. I sobbed all the way home. I miss him so much it hurts. I havent had a cry in awhile so it was probably due.

Now on the other end of the spectrum....the rest of the night I replayed that horrible day in my head. I couldnt stop it. Than as I hear and read peoples reactions about Michael Jackson I also got overwhelmed with emotions. Angry, sad, mad, etc. My opinion on MJ is probably not as popular as most. I truly believe his growth was stunted. He thought he was a child. The things he did was strange, yes, but could he really help it? My mom has that same mentality. Some of her actions are absolutely ridlicious, but her brain is that of a child. And she cant help the actions she does. To an extent of course. Michael Jackson reminds me of my mother. Which I never linked those two before......

As you all know also from reading my blog, Im estranged from my mom because of the actions she did after my dads passing. So than I sat there and thought of my current relationship with my mother, and how maybe what Im doing is wrong. Cutting her out of my life may not be the best solution. Could she truly feel the way MJ felt...stuck in this painful life? The only difference is that I know she is happy with her life right now, at least certain aspects of it. She remarried, still has her same friends, and really has just continued her life the same but with a different man. Someone in only pain I dont think could do that. But I do walk on eggshells around her because of how she might react. Which I feel might be the case of people in MJ's life. I recently mailed her a letter asking her to continue to give me my distance, stop calling me at work, and I would contact her when I was ready. Personally, I have no idea when that would be. I was very careful with my words because I was literally afraid she might harm herself if she interpret my words wrong. As in commit suicide. Is that absolutely insane? Or a little egotistical of me? Probably not since at one time after my dad passed she was throwing herself around telling me that she knows I wish she would of died instead of him, and maybe that would come true one day. I really dont know if shes talk or not, and would not like to press those buttons to find out. So I walk on eggshells. Which in the end really hurts me, and stalls me from healing.

So am I suppose to be the bigger person? Since my mom isnt strong and mentally healthy, and I am. Am I suppose to just suck it up. Let it go. No matter what she does? Just because I know better and she doesnt. How many scenarios have to happen that I have to keep doing that? Especially when it threatens my own sanity? What if one day she is just where MJ is now, and I look back and think...you should of done something Melissa. You were the healthy one. Not her. But can I live my life like that? Do I live my life at the expense of pain, stress, anxiety, and sanity? Its such a thin line that I dont know which side is right and which side is wrong.

Im not sure where Im going with this. I just needed to get this out. But I never expected a celebrity death to bring on so many emotions about the current state of my life. With that being said, RIP MJ, RIP. You were a pure genius, and I hope that you are at peace now.

Some Holidays Will Just Be Sad

So this will be the second Fathers Day without my dad, and while life does seem a bit more manageable now....I don't think holidays like this will ever get easier. When I woke up this morning I was feeling okay, but than shortly after a dark cloud sort of hoovered over me. Grant was going to his aunts for a Fathers Day BBQ, but I decided I kind of just wanted to stay home and let today be a depressed day. Sad I know. But sometimes I just need those kind of days. As long as its just for the day, or a short period of time, and I don't let it turn into weeks. That is when it becomes unhealthy.

I also feel a lot of guilt. I do have one parent still alive, one that does want a relationship with me. And I push that away. For my own sanity. But still part of that makes me feel guilty. I know Im making the right decision, but I think its probably only normal to have these feelings. Still doesnt make it any easier. Ive been trying to talk about this with some friends, but these friends have really good relationships with their moms or daughters...so it doesnt always go so well. Which causes more regret in the end.

I was able to buy Grant a few Fathers day cards yesterday which I wasnt sure how that would go. I handle the trip pretty good for the most part. I was able to move past the daughter father day cards, over to the husband and from the dog cards. Than a few minutes later someone opened one of those musical cards that was playing a Johnny Cash song. My dad loved Johnny Cash. And even use to sing this song when ever we would be four wheeling when I was a kid. A few tears fell, but than I was able to pull it back together. I guess I am healing, although sometimes it doesnt feel like it.

Im glad tomorrow is a new day. And Im back to work, so making money and getting into a schedule is definitely a good thing.

Missing Pieces

So summer is here, which is a great thing. But lately Ive been feeling a little lost. Usually every summer Im so busy with training and fundraising for the Breast Cancer 3 Day. Now this summer Im just as equally busy with summer school, work, and wedding planning. But I still feel this void. This huge sadness. I miss the 3 Day!

I miss cramming in all those training walks. In the sticky, humid, heat. Especially the chats that go along with those walks. Jen and I barely see each other now! It was like my everyday therapy session with her. I miss that excitement I get leading up to the week of the event. Finding out opening and closing ceremonies. Going through the check in process online. Preparing for the event by making tshirts, and finding pink fluffy things to accessorize in. I miss the scrambling around to put on one last fundraiser event to meet my goal. Packing and repacking my bag to make sure its at the weight limit. Funny how when those things are happening you dont realize how you would miss them if they werent there.

The Breast Cancer 3 Day is such an amazing event, and it makes me feel like I have a purpose. I feel so great being a participant. Im saving and chaning lives, literally. So when thats not there this year I feel a huge void. Sometimes I think I need the 3 day more than it needs me! I feel like Im wandering through the summer wishing I had something to work towards. Instead Im wedding planning, and feel like Im failing miserably at it! Seriously, Im so clueless at this wedding planning and afraid Im going to end up with this hokey event. Im sure it wont, and it will all work out in the end. I have to keep reminding myself, its just a different type of planning. Ive planned tons of fundraising events. This one just feels a little bit more pressured! lol

I dont know if this void is what is zapping my motivation. But I seriously have none. I try to do things to find it, but its so lost. I thought signing up for a race might force motivation. I will find races to sign up for, but than I dont do the deed and sign up. The two races I previously had on my blog I never signed up for, nor trained for. Ive added two new ones today. We shall see if I take the dive and sign up for those. I sat down today and made out a workout schedule starting next Monday till October 18th. Its a little overachieverish, seeing that my workouts are so sporadic right now. Going from 1 workout day a week to 5 is probably not the smartest choice. But I have been known to be an all or nothing girl. I printed out this months workout schedule and put it on the fridge. I thought I would give myself a star for the days I worked out. And told Grant he can put whatever he wants on the days Im suppose to work out and dont. Im looking for any motivation at this point!

I want to get excited about something. Something that is health related. I remember the way I felt when I was in great shape going into the 3 Day. Or how I felt after I ran my half marathon last year. I want that excitement again. I need to find that again.

New Blog Design

Why is it so painful to find a new blog design? I was getting tired of the old one, and thought maybe a new design would make me want to blog more. LOL

So I changed it 3 times. Which can get annoying since I change the fonts and colors, which seems like the hardest part. The easiest part is given to me by the great website, www.thecutestblogontheblock.com. They always have great new designs. Thank you!

So I would change it, than come to blog and think...no, no, no. That does NOT work! When all fails I always go back to polka dots. Its my weakness. Same thing happened with my wedding dress ;)

I know this is such an exciting entry. Just wanted to throw a shout to to one of my favorite websites :) Now time to be productive....

Stay At Home Mom Test Drive

So I would say that Im getting a test drive of being a stay at home mom this week. Day 1 would definitely be a failure! LOL

I woke up early this morning to take Bandito in for surgery. First I was surprised by Rusty shitting all over the living room, including inside my running shoes. Not a happy mommie AT ALL! So after gagging cleaning that up, I had to get Bandito to the vet. Poor guy had no idea what he was in for! I got a little emotional dropping him off, which I didnt expect. But he is the baby, and this was his first time being under, so I was a little nervous. I planned on coming home and going back to bed...but that didnt really work out to well. I wanted to try to file my unemployment claim first. Of course that didnt go as easy as I thought it would. Of course after I got all my stuff together and sat down I found out 10 minutes later it was a no go. I wasnt able to file online, and have to call on Wednesday. I wasnt actually tired enough to go back to bed after all that, so just stayed up. But Rusty and Vinyl were already tucked back in bed. LOL

The rest of my day basically was a little bit like this......surf the web, watch daytime TV, surf the web, find something to eat, surf the web, chat online with friends, surf the web, watch some more tv, etc. Yeah talk about being a lazy ass. Before I knew it, it was 4pm and I had to go pick up Bandito. LOL And oh poor, poor, Bandito. He was so out of it. He was walking into stuff when we got home, and would not lay down for nothing. He was whining because he was in so much pain. I felt awful. Finally I got him to lay down for a little while, and I kept petting him till he fell asleep. It appeared it hurt to lay down a certain way to. The worse feeling ever is not being able to make your doggie feel better!

I ended up watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I enjoyed, and than Daddy came home! I told you it was like a stay at home mom. So Grant cut our jungle of a backyard, while I tried out a new recipe for dinner. Just a Mexican Pork Chop recipe. You just add salsa and cheese on top of the pork chops for the last 10 minutes. It was delish! Oh should I mention that Rusty shit again in the middle of making dinner. Yeah. I dont know what his deal is but hes really starting to piss me off.

Now all the kids are relaxing, sort of. Bandito keeps wandering around like hes going to miss out on something. But bedtime is a brewing so he should be relaxing soon to. Hopefully tomorrow I can be a little more productive. I guess I dont get the mom of the year award?

I deserve a few days of do nothing at all though. Hopefully that will bring my stress levels down. But dont we all deserve a day like that? I did break out in another annoying hive today but I think that was mostly due to Bandito having surgery.

Bedtime is calling. Sweet dreams blogworld.

Excuse The Dust.....

phew, it sure is dusty on this blog! I have sat down many times over the last month to blog, but nothing really came out. I dont know why there has been tons of things to blog about.

Anyhoo, I am now under the 5 month mark of the wedding date. Work is insanely busy. School is killing me this semester. And Im not doing so great at the balancing act of life - my stress levels are at an all time high. So I need an outlet. Time to get some of these crazy thoughts out of my head. Maybe I can at least sleep a little bit better than.

Im a little anxious for tomorrow. Bandito is getting neutered. He is way overdo for it, yes Ive been a bad dog owner. Please dont scold me for it. This is the first big thing for him. I get so nervous when my dogs are put under. It will be fine Im sure. I just hope he does okay, and heals quickly. And I hope he doesnt lose his personality. I have heard stories like that, but I think people overexagerate. My poor baby boy :(

I actually have this entire week off. Unpaid, which blows, but it will be nice to have a week off. Ive been so stressed out so a little downtime will be good for me. So thats why Im finally taking Bandito in, so I can be home with him all week :) So on my first day off I have to get up at 7am and take him in. For those of you that no me, that does not make a happy Melissa. If Im looking at the glass half full (which I need to do more of) than I realize that the two dogs that will be at home are the lazy nappers. So Im pretty sure they will be up for a cuddle session nap when I get back from dropping him off. We wont let Bandito in on that little statement. Tee hee.

Well I better get off to bed.....try not to cough to bad as I finish getting rid of the dust bunnies in here.