I Need Some Accountablity

Ive gotten a little off track. Shortly after my 5k, back on the 14th, I got another sinus infection. Actually I think it was the same one just never went away. This time I decided that I would rest. I took that a bit to far by taking off practically a week from working out. Its so hard to get back into the swing of things. I was so bad that I was satisfied and considered a workout when I walked the dogs. No where close to a workout. Trust me. This past week I did get in a two Jillian Michaels workouts, a run, and cycling class. So not to bad for getting back into the swing of things.

Now my eating is out of control. I have always struggled with my eating, but lately its nothing but lots of sugar, processed food, and carbs. I need an intervention. Seriously. I just cant stop putting crap in my mouth! And the pop Im consuming is ridiculous. I need some accountability. I think if I really buckled down on this eating gig than I could see some of these pounds drop. But until I do all those workouts are doing is helping me maintain. Why do I participate in this vicious, unhealthy cycle?

I know that I should make some small goals this week. Just focus on those. Because I cant do everything at once, and maybe thats exactly what Im trying to do. When I fail at the all or nothing mentality, than I think well everything is downhill from here so I myswell go back to my old unhealthy habits. Something Ive always struggled with. I need to figure out how to break those thoughts. Realize that everything is not always black and white.

Tomorrow is a new day. And everyday is a new beginning my friends. With that thought in mind I will make two goals this week. The first one which I feel is the biggest issue is decreasing my pop intake. Ill say that one 20 ounce every other day is feasible. I also want to eat a fruit or vegetable with every meal. These two things are completely doable. If I slip up on other areas I will not go back to the all or nothing mentality. I will acknowledge the slip up, learn from it, and move on. I will also celebrate daily my success with my two weekly goals.

Heres to refocusing, and holding myself accountable!

Why Is Change So Hard?

I have been working on change. Its a work in progress, and while Id like to think that Im moving forward...Im beginning to think Im just standing in place.

I know what I want. I know what I need to do to get there. Im even doing some of those things. But than I go back to old habits, and sabotage the change. So much like this picture I bounce between old and new, old and new, old and new. Its like Im in a game of ping pong. So why am I doing this? Why am I resisting? What am I scared of?

These are questions that have been racing through my mind for the last week. Change looks so promising. So pleasant. So where I want to be. But taking that leap feels like jumping into on coming traffic. I look at the old me and like the safety. Its comforting, and what I know. But at the same time its everything I dont want to be. It has this dark cloud surrounding it. I can see the pain and negativity smothering me. Why would I want to stay like that? Theres a part of me that is scared of taking the steps to a changed me and leaving all that "safeness" behind. Can I survive that in between period? What if its lonely? What if I feel like I made the wrong choices? What if I fail at change?

Isnt this crazy? Obviously Im unhappy with where or what I am, or I wouldnt even be thinking of change. I should want the best for me. To bring out the greatness in me. To become that person I know I can be. How do I get through this? How to I stop thinking, and start doing? When is enough? When do I finally say, this is it! I am taking the risk to becoming a happier me. If that means leaving things behind, than so be it. If that means feeling uncomfortable for a little bit, than so be it. Because I have to trust that when I get to that change...it will be so worth it.

I hope Im to that point soon. Because I dont want to play ping pong anymore.

Corktown St. Patrick 5K

Well I did it! I ran in my first race since my half marathon in 2008. And it felt great!!!! It was exactly what I needed :)

The weather all week was beautiful! Than the weekend came and the rain started. Bleh. The day of the race was exactly that. Cold, wet, and windy! All the elements you dont want. But I didnt let it stop me, I still headed downtown. I got there a little early so just chilled in my car for a bit. Entertained myself with some bejeweled blitz. Im so addicted to that! About 45 minutes before the race started I ventured out. I tried to find my friend, Lynette, but didnt have much luck.

When everyone started to line up it was a bit of a cluster. I ended up about 3/4 back which is a perfect spot for me. I bounced in spot for awhile as I froze my butt off. My hands were numb with gloves on! I started to get a little anxious for those 10 minutes before the race started. Next thing I knew we were off. It took me a few minutes to get across the start line....I think there was around 4000 runners/walkers. I got a little excited in the moment and started off to fast. I could feel it about a quarter mile in. Oops! I adjusted after that, and felt like I fell into a good stride. Shortly after that I really started to sweat it out. So I attempted to take off my jacket, but than realized my iphone was zipped in my coat pocket and it pulled out my head phones. I fought with my jacket for a bit and than gave in and just had one head phone in. lol Than I ran into quite a few walkers that must have started in the middle of the pack. That was a bit annoying because I had to stop and walk to get around them. I wish they would of stayed to the side. There were also a few people running with big dogs and really big strollers. So that was a bit of an obstacle to. I just weaved in and out where I could, but was careful of the uneven road. The last thing I needed was a sprained ankle!

I reached the halfway point at a pace that Ive been managing the last couple months, so was pretty happy with that, considering the weather conditions! When the buildings got sparse I could start to feel the wind more. Speaking of weather conditions, I than realized it wasn't raining anymore :) The turn around point was really small, it could only fit about 5 people wide, so it could a bit congested. Im not sure if it was the turn around or the runners though... After the turn around I just took everything in. The race, the people, the costumes, the crowd, the sights, the energy! I love running in races. I was getting a bit winded, and had a really bad side stitch, so focused a bit on my breathing for the last mile. I rounded the last corner with a second wind, and crossed the finish line around 34 minutes. I wanted to come in under 35 so was pretty excited :)

A few minutes later I ran into Grants coworker, so chatted with her a bit. Than grabbed some water, which was a short line since everyone was in line for a beer. Ha! I went back to wait for Lynette to come across the finish line. I saw her after the turn around so knew she wasnt that far behind me. Ended up that I missed her. LOL But we met up at the results board. I was so proud of her! It was her first 5k, and she did awesome!

I checked the board and my time was 31:17! I was ecstatic! Only 3o seconds away from a PR. Not bad at all. My best 5k pace this year! It felt great to be around other runners, and definitely has me motivated to keep running. Even with the love/hate relationship I have with running, the feeling after a race is all worth it! To be accomplishing things I never thought I could is priceless.

I think Ill sign up for my next race in April. Maybe find one on my birthday :)

Doubts

I will admit that I dont have much self confidence. Its something I have always struggled with. That is why I love running...it gives me confidence. I can remember specific moments after a race where I literally felt on top of the world. It didnt matter what time I ran in, or what place I came in....just completing the race was enough for me. The self growth is amazing. At times when I feel like Im in situations where maybe I dont have complete faith in myself..Ill go back to those running moments. And think damn girl, if you could do that...than this is a cake walk!

Now with all that being said, Im going through a running rut. Ive been through these before, so I know its not forever. But its giving me doubts. Im not that confident that Ill be ready for a half marathon by May. For the last week Ive struggled to get through a 5k. I am just getting over a cold and still trying to get completely healthy again...so maybe I should cut myself a little bit of slack. But it still has lots of doubts in my head. Like maybe I need to give myself a little bit more time. Or maybe I should just aim to run a 10k rather than a half marathon.

Its just that I have been consistently running 3-4 days a week for 2 months now...and I just feel like 3 miles shouldnt be a struggle for me at this point. It really doesnt feel like the lower miles are getting any easier..and my pace has actually slowed down. But than maybe Im just having a bad week. I remember my 4 miler a two weekends ago was awesome! I think another thing is Im no where near the pace I use to run. So maybe that is putting some fears in my head. Like when I run my next half marathon I will be disappointed if I dont at least run it in the pace I did my last one. Im always so competitive and self critical of myself.

Another thing is Im having more physical issues this time around. My knees are achy, swollen and need to be iced often. I think this has to do with the fact that I have 35lbs more weight than I did last time. I also keep getting all kinds of blisters. Which is annoying, and a little painful!

Ugh. What to do? What to do? Am I throwing the towel in to early?

Ill let you in on a little insecurity Im having. I was planning on running the Flying Pig in Cincinnati. My friend lives there so I would crash with her. Well shes running a marathon the weekend before, so she said she would love to come down with me and run a few miles of the pig with me. She is fast, like under 10 minute miles...where I can barely push out a 12 minute mile. That makes me feel so insecure! Not that she would even care...but that would be like a walk for her. Geez am I ridiculous or what?

I need to make a decision soon. Especially since the rates are going up on the Flying Pig. Im running a St. Pattys 5k...so maybe I should just stop stressing till than. Maybe running in a race will help me make a decision. Or better yet...push away those doubts and realize I can do whatever I put my mind to :)