Smorgsablog

2011-12-17T14:55:00.001-05:00

2 1/2 cups chocolate rice crisp cereal (we're big fans of Nature's Path cereal around here)
6 candy canes, crushed into small pieces
1 cup sliced almonds
22 ounces white chocolate chips (or a block, if you chop)

Combine the chocolate cereal, crushed candy canes, and almonds into a large bowl. Toss around the ingredients until they are well combined.

Melt the white chocolate until it is entirely smooth, using one of the methods described above.

Pour the melted white chocolate into a large bowl. Pour the chocolate-candy cane-almond mixture into the melted chocolate. Using a rubber spatula, and moving quickly, combine all the ingredients together until everything is coated well.

Drop rounded spoonfuls of the mixture in little mounds onto a parchment-paper covered baking sheet. (Don't worry about being too careful about how they look. The more splattered, the more real, I think.) You can put a lot of these spoonfuls onto the baking sheet because you're not baking them. You don't need to leave room for spreading. Put the baking sheet in the refrigerator (you'll probably have another one filled too) to allow the treats to harden, about 30 minutes. Store the snowflakes in the refrigerator in a covered container.

Makes about 40 snowflakes.

--
-Melissa-
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible."

Reverb11 - Day 2 - Surprise!

2011-12-03T00:08:00.007-05:00

Prompt 2: What was the most surprising thing that happened to you this past year? What did you learn from that surprise?

Well anyone that knows me probably knows the answer to this one. This year I embarked on one of the most amazing journeys ever. Something that felt unspeakable at the beginning of this year, but 10 months later I ran my first full marathon!

My running history was lacking some prior to this year. I did run one half marathon, and handful 5k's and 10ks. But inconsistent was my game! A couple months going strong, than maybe a couple miles here or there if I was lucky. So when I decided I was going to run a full marathon I begin to question my sanity. But with the support of Team In Training it seemed possible! And what better way to motivate myself than to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I poured my heart into fundraising and training. And after 5 months, over 500 miles trained, and $24o0 raised...I completed my first marathon. Amazing. Anything is possible my friends.

And that is exactly what I learned. If you put your mind to it, put in the work, and trust the process...you are capable of doing absolutely anything! Having faith in yourself is such a powerful thing. I am proof of this! After completing my marathon I really saw how strong I was - mind, body, and spirit! And I can remember the exact moment this year when I really embodied this...when I really saw who I was becoming. And of course I had a facebook status about it. And it went something like this...(as you will see the bonus of training for a marathon is losing weight :) )

Well Ill be damned....lets pull out those skinny clothes! Im fitting into clothes I wore in my early 20's! Me in a small? Hell yeah! In 25 days I will be running a marathon! Me run a marathon? Double Hell yeah! Anything is possible my friends, anything at all! Quit thinking about it and do it! Let go of the coulda, should, woulda's and thrive in this journey called life! Climb and knock down those mountains because I know you can! These are the moments of our lives friends...YOU determine your journey..and it has amazing written all over it! <3

Now if you would of asked me if running a marathon would have brought out this inspiring, athletic self...I would of said, did you say marathon...your crazy!! Isnt it amazing how life unfolds when you just let go? :)

Reverb11 - Day 1 - One Word

2011-12-01T21:16:00.007-05:00

Well hello there. Its been a minute eh? :)

I cant believe its been almost an entire year since I blogged. Ive missed you! Ive thought about getting back into blogging...but just didnt find the right way to get my fingers moving again. So many thoughts...where do I start? That was the common question in my mind. So I would tell myself, Ill just start tomorrow. Well here I am 12 months later! LOL

I recently came across a fun little writing prompt project that screamed, perfect opportunity to start blogging again. Life is better when you blog, Mel. :) Go for it!

The project I found is called Reverb 11. The purpose of Reverb11 is to reflect on the past year and manifest whats to come in the new year. Now I know what your thinking....this could feel like a lot of pressure right? That was my thoughts exactly! But as I read on I felt more at ease. For the entire month of December there will be daily prompts that will allow me to focus on different areas of my life. Definitely makes it a little less scary, and little bit more exciting! A little push to get me going :)

So here we go!

Prompt #1: One Word

Imagine its one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

I really had a hard time just picking one word...and I think after this month is over it may change quite a few times. But the word I am picking now is Be-YOU-tiful!

Over the last year I have really been coming into my own. Peeling off the layers and finding out who my true authentic self is. Through this process I have seen inner beauty I never knew was there. Its such a great relationship Im building with myself. Learning, growing, accepting, and loving. Its been a wonderful journey, and I can not wait to continue to explore my authentic self in 2012! So my word is about just that, being me, beauty inside and out!

Holiday Workout Challenge

2010-12-11T23:32:00.006-05:00

Hiatuses are overrated dont you think? Ive missed my blog! :)

So a friend of mine invited me to join a Holiday Workout Challenge on Facebook. Its an 8 week challenge from November 1st to December 26th. Each participant made individual goals they would like to meet, and we also committed to 30 minute workouts, 5 days a week. And if you follow all the rules there is even an drawing to win some fitness prizes. And its FREE to participate. Pretty cool eh?

I wasnt sure how I would do with 5 days of workouts. That is a large commitment especially with my school and work schedule. Not to mention that before the challenge my workouts were very inconsistent. But I was up for the challenge. Especially anything that keeps me motivated through the holidays!

Here are the goals I made:

I am committing to 5 days of workouts, with 3 of those running.
Drop one size, and stay off the scale!
Scale down my pop intake! Im going to start off with one 20 ounce every other day, and hope to be at zero by the end of the challenge!

I have to admit I got off to a rocky start. Than again I was on vacation that first week of the challenge. So tried not to stress to much about it. When I got back it did take a couple of weeks, but once I said enough is enough, I gave it everything I could. I finally had some motivation to get to those 5:45am cycling classes! And now I cant see starting off my Monday and Wednesday mornings any other way! On other days I have been running or doing a circuit/strength training DVD at home. I'm happy to say that I am now in my fourth week of 5 day workouts! It really does feel like part of my day now. Its a habit! I never thought I would be saying that. I just feel healthier. I haven't dropped much weight, but that's okay. Because I feel thinner. I feel stronger. I feel like I'm making better choices. And that's what its all about!

Now that pop goal...yeah that hasn't been going so great. So I think for these last few weeks Ill really try to focus on that a little bit better ;)

Battery Low!

2010-10-24T14:54:00.005-04:00

Oh the ups and downs of running....how Ive missed you. Im trying so so hard to get back into running, as challenging as it is! Ill dont think Ill every truly understand how one day it feels so effortless, and another day it feels so hard! All part of the love/hate relationship I suppose.

Today I went out for a run, and was hoping to push out a 5k. Its a beautiful day here in Michigan. Near 70's, sun is shining, wind is low....you dont get many of these days in late October! Perfect running weather right? Not exactly. My legs were feeling a little sore from my strength training session yesterday....so I wasn't sure how far Id be able to go. Once I started running my legs were definitely feeling a bit fatigued. I could barely get out 1.3 miles before I chose to walk. And wouldnt you know at that moment my Garmin than beeps at me, battery low. I thought...you aren't kidding! lol The next mile was a combination of walking and running. Which Im okay with. Not my favorite runs, but I know these days happen. It isnt the first time, and it wont be the last!

You win some you lose some. I pushed through it, and gave it what I got...sometimes thats all you can do! Next time I have one of those effortless runs...Ill appreciate it more than ever!

Sabotage? Fear? Insecurity?

2010-09-17T21:22:00.004-04:00

My behavior this week has left a lot of questions running through my head. My plan was to start a running regime this week. Id like to try to run a 5k in October or September. I know its doable since Ive done a few runs on the treadmill in the last few weeks and was able to push out a 2-2.5 mile base. I love how I feel when I run. From the challenge to the strength. So how come I found every excuse possible to get out of it? I need to just get out there and do it. Sure my schedule is INSANE right now, but running will be a great stress reliever.

Another thing this week is I have been a gluten eating machine. I have been experimenting in the gluten free world long enough to know that eating gluten effects me in ways that are not pleasant. It makes me depressed, extreme mood swings, and literally sick to my stomach just to name a few! Yet I keep putting more poison in my mouth meal after meal, snack after snack.

So what am I doing? Sabotaging myself? I know sabotage well. I have done it many, many times. So why do I do it? I think its so much deeper than just making bad decisions. Could it be fear? Fear of what the end result could be. I could be successful and/or happy. Maybe I feel Im not worth happiness....or success....instead I like to punish myself. I think I deserve to feel miserable. Like Im not worthy of goodness. Which leads me to believe this is linked to my insecurities. Oh insecurities how Ive worked so hard to beat you! But you seem to still pop up from time to time.

Not really sure where Im going with this. Just thinking out loud I suppose. I guess its good that Im recognizing that I do the things I do because of an underlying issue. Now what I do about that is what matters....break the cycle....something I also have tried many times before. So what am I going to do different this time? Thoughts for me to ponder on......

Gluten Free Journey

2010-09-12T21:46:00.002-04:00

Ive mentioned a little bit in here about my new gluten free lifestyle. Well its been challenging to say the least, and Ive been falling off the wagon more often than I like. I have decided to create a blog on this journey, to keep myself accountable...as well as keep record of whats working for me and whats not! A lot of gluten free blogs that I have fell upon have been helping me tremendously, so maybe blogging about my journey could help others to!

Check it out: www.guiltfreeglutenfree.blogspot.com

Not to worry, I will still be posting here to. Im sure some gluten free posts will get cross posted on both blogs. But I didnt want this one to get override with gluten gluten gluten! :p

Brainstorming Next Tattoo Idea!

2010-08-31T21:05:00.005-04:00

Now this is a subject that I love! Another tattoo is something that has been on my mind for quite sometime. The one that has been sitting on my mind is one that represents my amazing experience with the Breast Cancer 3-Day. I was so blessed to participate in my sixth walk this year. It is an event that has truly changed my life, and I want to express that creatively. I dont necessarily want a pink ribbon, but something that represents hope, awareness, and strength.

So as I was browsing thyroid and gluten free blogs this week, I fell upon a an artist. Her name is Allyson Averell. Ally suffers from thyroid disease, and has expressed her awareness through her art. This was taking from her fan page:

I painted this on myself last night because the other day I got fed up with people only seeing my illness when they look at me. Why have you gained so much weight? Why is your face breaking out so bad? Why are you so tired all of the time? Why are you in such a bad mood? Trust me, I deal with these symptoms on an everyday basis. I do not need any reminding. Maybe, just maybe, if there was much more awareness out there, there would not be so many questions. Thyroidism comes in many shapes and sizes, but there is one common denominator that we all share. Every single day we all fight a physical, mental, and emotional battle with ourselves.So through this trying time lets support each other, for we truly are the only ones who understand how we feel. And most importantly, we must raise up together to make ourselves known.

Here is another picture of Ally painting her own artwork on herself. So talented!.

Ally also developed a "Fighter Flies" series of artwork. A thyroid fighting series. These pieces are custom to each person fighting this horrible disease. Love these pieces, and will be placing an order for one of my own! Looking at it everyday will remind me of the struggles I go through day after day, but still I remain strong! Check out the series here!

So this has got the wheels turning.....now first Im going to contact Ally and see if she minds if I branch off her idea. And I never thought I would get a butterfly. The butterfly is the shape of the thyroid. And when I think of butterflies....I see so much. How it feels the butterflies have been released from protecting my thyroid gland....but instead butterflies fly through my systems at all times creating havoc on all hormones, systems, and functions! So Im thinking I could wrap in my 3 day tattoo with my thyroid awareness tattoo. A combined awareness, strength, hope tattoo.

Exciting stuff!!!! Now to research an artist. While I absolutely love the artist that did my half sleeve....I think for this one Im looking for a little bit of a different style. I have some time on my hands...I probably wont dive into this one until late next year anyways.

Did I mention how much I love tattoos? Expressing my growth and strengths through art is so inspirational!

Choices...

2010-08-30T20:26:00.004-04:00

Everything we do is a choice. Good Choice. Bad Choice. Sooner or later we get sick of making bad choices right? I think Ive finally reached that point.

I have had a pretty rough emotional day. Some personal stuff going on. That of course reflects into my daily life. So many thoughts going through my head. So many scenarios. So many questions. Its overwhelming to say the least. Today I started to get a migraine around lunchtime. I was eating through out the day, and drinking lots of water....so Im assuming it was stress. Once the migraine hit, my energy felt zapped. It was a little warm in the office today so that may have added to my blah feeling. Its frustrating that Im taking these steps to a healthier me, and Im feeling anything but healthy. I know it will take a few weeks to "detox", but geez these withdrawals are rough.

As I was leaving work I had a choice to make. Go to the gym or go home. The gym is now literally on the way home, so no excuses. I said well this migraine is really rough....but I could at least go and do 30 minutes. Or I could just stop, get a Slurpee, and go home to take a nap. As I was playing these mind games with myself....I found myself getting off the freeway exit to the gym. So my choice was to go to gym. I decided I would jog on the treadmill. Right when I started I could feel my feet getting very heavy. I promised myself to just push through a mile and I would stop. Some days you just dont have it in you...but you still push through it. You give it all you got. And that is exactly what I did. I made it 15 minutes on the treadmill, and than did another 20 on the elliptical. Phew, I made it. Good choice today. Ill take it.

As I move into this healthier lifestyle, a move I have made many times before, I have to remind myself that everything is a choice. Every thing I chose to eat, everything I chose to drink, every activity I chose to do. All of it are factors in this lifestyle. So do I chose to keep making the same mistakes, or do I chose to make me a healthier happier me?

I have a obsession with quotes these days...and this one sums this post up perfect.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Boy is that true.....I think Im ready to be sane :) And on that note, Im making another great choice. Heading to bed early so I can get a good nights sleep. Night blogger friends :)

Baked Parmesan Garlic Chicken Wings

2010-08-29T20:56:00.008-04:00

I have officially started my new gluten free, casein free lifestyle. Its been EXTREMELY overwhelming. So to make things a little bit easier on me, I decided that I would only try to make one gluten free recipe per week. When I was looking through recipes there are so many ingredients in all of them. Of course to spice up the food so it taste good. Makes sense. Well for a cook on training wheels like myself, some of these recipes seem nearly impossible. Or Ill attempt them and the end result will just not taste good. And in this day and age that would just be horror wouldnt it? All that time wasted. lol So instead of taking on many new recipes, I would just focus on what new recipe a week. Thats completely do able, dont you think? And less food wasted. Win win for me!

I fell upn this yummie recipe in my google searches, Baked Parmesan Garlic Chicken Wings. It looked delicious! So I ventured out to the grocery store, and tackled the spices section. I will admit it was pretty exciting :) Maybe Ill treat myself to a spice rack in the new future! Now that is the picture from the recipe, sorry cant take credit for that one! lol And I didnt use wings, instead I did Chicken Tenderloins, and it was quite tasty!

This recipe is from Chef Jesse Thomas from PizzaAmore in Mount Dora, FL.

http://blogs.discovery.com/tlc-steamy-kitchen/2010/01/baked-parmesan-garlic-chicken-wings.html

Baked Parmesan Garlic Chicken Wings Recipe
Recipe from PizzAmore, Mount Dora, Florida

Serves 4
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried rosemary
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon kosher or sea salt (1/2 tsp table salt)
2 1/2 pounds chicken wings
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (or melted butter)
2 tablespoons minced fresh basil
2 garlic cloves, finely minced
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 teaspoon seasoning salt (like Lawry's)
1 cup blue cheese dressing
1-2 teaspoons Dijon mustard (or to taste)

1. Preheat oven to 425F. In a small bowl, mix together the oregano, rosemary, cumin and salt. Lay the chicken wings on a baking sheet and season the chicken wings with this mixture.

2. Bake the chicken wings for 20-25 minutes. While the chicken is baking, mix together the oil, fresh basil, garlic, Parmesan cheese and seasoning salt.

3. In a separate bowl, mix together the blue cheese dressing with the mustard (this is your dipping sauce)

3. When the chicken is cooked through, toss the wings with the garlic/cheese/butter sauce. Serve with the blue cheese/mustard dressing.

First gluten free recipe a success! Wooohoo! Im hoping for a much smoother second week. Hopefully less headaches, and a little bit more energy. Enjoying the process as much as I can. Everyday is a new experience!

Anyone Home?

2010-08-08T21:50:00.003-04:00

Wow, has it really been 5 months? Shame on me! I have been pretty busy though......summer classes, work, 3 day training, fundraising, and trying to enjoy summer where I can! But definitely still need the outlet of blog writing! Oh boy do I need that!

Blogger has updated their templates to...so I updated and cleaned things up a bit :) Fancy schmancy :)

My best friend was in town for the weekend, and it was wayyyy to short. I miss her so much already! I cant wait till she moves back next year. Life will feel so much more complete! I dont remember the last time I laughed so much. Unfortunately we had a few wrenches thrown in our weekend...and I didnt handle it as well as Id like. But every experience gives us a chance to learn, and as long I can learn and grow from it than not all is lost. Still doesnt make me feel any less disappointed in myself. It took away some of the limited time with my company, and I shouldnt have let it.

Enough of that. Tomorrow is a new day. We got new PC's at work over the weekend, so it wont take an hour to get mine up and running. Its a 4 day work week. And the 3 day starts on Friday! Its going to be a fantastic week!

I Need Some Accountablity

2010-03-28T21:21:00.004-04:00

Ive gotten a little off track. Shortly after my 5k, back on the 14th, I got another sinus infection. Actually I think it was the same one just never went away. This time I decided that I would rest. I took that a bit to far by taking off practically a week from working out. Its so hard to get back into the swing of things. I was so bad that I was satisfied and considered a workout when I walked the dogs. No where close to a workout. Trust me. This past week I did get in a two Jillian Michaels workouts, a run, and cycling class. So not to bad for getting back into the swing of things.

Now my eating is out of control. I have always struggled with my eating, but lately its nothing but lots of sugar, processed food, and carbs. I need an intervention. Seriously. I just cant stop putting crap in my mouth! And the pop Im consuming is ridiculous. I need some accountability. I think if I really buckled down on this eating gig than I could see some of these pounds drop. But until I do all those workouts are doing is helping me maintain. Why do I participate in this vicious, unhealthy cycle?

I know that I should make some small goals this week. Just focus on those. Because I cant do everything at once, and maybe thats exactly what Im trying to do. When I fail at the all or nothing mentality, than I think well everything is downhill from here so I myswell go back to my old unhealthy habits. Something Ive always struggled with. I need to figure out how to break those thoughts. Realize that everything is not always black and white.

Tomorrow is a new day. And everyday is a new beginning my friends. With that thought in mind I will make two goals this week. The first one which I feel is the biggest issue is decreasing my pop intake. Ill say that one 20 ounce every other day is feasible. I also want to eat a fruit or vegetable with every meal. These two things are completely doable. If I slip up on other areas I will not go back to the all or nothing mentality. I will acknowledge the slip up, learn from it, and move on. I will also celebrate daily my success with my two weekly goals.

Heres to refocusing, and holding myself accountable!

Why Is Change So Hard?

2010-03-21T21:34:00.004-04:00

I have been working on change. Its a work in progress, and while Id like to think that Im moving forward...Im beginning to think Im just standing in place.

I know what I want. I know what I need to do to get there. Im even doing some of those things. But than I go back to old habits, and sabotage the change. So much like this picture I bounce between old and new, old and new, old and new. Its like Im in a game of ping pong. So why am I doing this? Why am I resisting? What am I scared of?

These are questions that have been racing through my mind for the last week. Change looks so promising. So pleasant. So where I want to be. But taking that leap feels like jumping into on coming traffic. I look at the old me and like the safety. Its comforting, and what I know. But at the same time its everything I dont want to be. It has this dark cloud surrounding it. I can see the pain and negativity smothering me. Why would I want to stay like that? Theres a part of me that is scared of taking the steps to a changed me and leaving all that "safeness" behind. Can I survive that in between period? What if its lonely? What if I feel like I made the wrong choices? What if I fail at change?

Isnt this crazy? Obviously Im unhappy with where or what I am, or I wouldnt even be thinking of change. I should want the best for me. To bring out the greatness in me. To become that person I know I can be. How do I get through this? How to I stop thinking, and start doing? When is enough? When do I finally say, this is it! I am taking the risk to becoming a happier me. If that means leaving things behind, than so be it. If that means feeling uncomfortable for a little bit, than so be it. Because I have to trust that when I get to that change...it will be so worth it.

I hope Im to that point soon. Because I dont want to play ping pong anymore.

Corktown St. Patrick 5K

2010-03-17T20:39:00.009-04:00

Well I did it! I ran in my first race since my half marathon in 2008. And it felt great!!!! It was exactly what I needed :)

The weather all week was beautiful! Than the weekend came and the rain started. Bleh. The day of the race was exactly that. Cold, wet, and windy! All the elements you dont want. But I didnt let it stop me, I still headed downtown. I got there a little early so just chilled in my car for a bit. Entertained myself with some bejeweled blitz. Im so addicted to that! About 45 minutes before the race started I ventured out. I tried to find my friend, Lynette, but didnt have much luck.

When everyone started to line up it was a bit of a cluster. I ended up about 3/4 back which is a perfect spot for me. I bounced in spot for awhile as I froze my butt off. My hands were numb with gloves on! I started to get a little anxious for those 10 minutes before the race started. Next thing I knew we were off. It took me a few minutes to get across the start line....I think there was around 4000 runners/walkers. I got a little excited in the moment and started off to fast. I could feel it about a quarter mile in. Oops! I adjusted after that, and felt like I fell into a good stride. Shortly after that I really started to sweat it out. So I attempted to take off my jacket, but than realized my iphone was zipped in my coat pocket and it pulled out my head phones. I fought with my jacket for a bit and than gave in and just had one head phone in. lol Than I ran into quite a few walkers that must have started in the middle of the pack. That was a bit annoying because I had to stop and walk to get around them. I wish they would of stayed to the side. There were also a few people running with big dogs and really big strollers. So that was a bit of an obstacle to. I just weaved in and out where I could, but was careful of the uneven road. The last thing I needed was a sprained ankle!

I reached the halfway point at a pace that Ive been managing the last couple months, so was pretty happy with that, considering the weather conditions! When the buildings got sparse I could start to feel the wind more. Speaking of weather conditions, I than realized it wasn't raining anymore :) The turn around point was really small, it could only fit about 5 people wide, so it could a bit congested. Im not sure if it was the turn around or the runners though... After the turn around I just took everything in. The race, the people, the costumes, the crowd, the sights, the energy! I love running in races. I was getting a bit winded, and had a really bad side stitch, so focused a bit on my breathing for the last mile. I rounded the last corner with a second wind, and crossed the finish line around 34 minutes. I wanted to come in under 35 so was pretty excited :)

A few minutes later I ran into Grants coworker, so chatted with her a bit. Than grabbed some water, which was a short line since everyone was in line for a beer. Ha! I went back to wait for Lynette to come across the finish line. I saw her after the turn around so knew she wasnt that far behind me. Ended up that I missed her. LOL But we met up at the results board. I was so proud of her! It was her first 5k, and she did awesome!

I checked the board and my time was 31:17! I was ecstatic! Only 3o seconds away from a PR. Not bad at all. My best 5k pace this year! It felt great to be around other runners, and definitely has me motivated to keep running. Even with the love/hate relationship I have with running, the feeling after a race is all worth it! To be accomplishing things I never thought I could is priceless.

I think Ill sign up for my next race in April. Maybe find one on my birthday :)

Doubts

2010-03-03T21:12:00.003-05:00

I will admit that I dont have much self confidence. Its something I have always struggled with. That is why I love running...it gives me confidence. I can remember specific moments after a race where I literally felt on top of the world. It didnt matter what time I ran in, or what place I came in....just completing the race was enough for me. The self growth is amazing. At times when I feel like Im in situations where maybe I dont have complete faith in myself..Ill go back to those running moments. And think damn girl, if you could do that...than this is a cake walk!

Now with all that being said, Im going through a running rut. Ive been through these before, so I know its not forever. But its giving me doubts. Im not that confident that Ill be ready for a half marathon by May. For the last week Ive struggled to get through a 5k. I am just getting over a cold and still trying to get completely healthy again...so maybe I should cut myself a little bit of slack. But it still has lots of doubts in my head. Like maybe I need to give myself a little bit more time. Or maybe I should just aim to run a 10k rather than a half marathon.

Its just that I have been consistently running 3-4 days a week for 2 months now...and I just feel like 3 miles shouldnt be a struggle for me at this point. It really doesnt feel like the lower miles are getting any easier..and my pace has actually slowed down. But than maybe Im just having a bad week. I remember my 4 miler a two weekends ago was awesome! I think another thing is Im no where near the pace I use to run. So maybe that is putting some fears in my head. Like when I run my next half marathon I will be disappointed if I dont at least run it in the pace I did my last one. Im always so competitive and self critical of myself.

Another thing is Im having more physical issues this time around. My knees are achy, swollen and need to be iced often. I think this has to do with the fact that I have 35lbs more weight than I did last time. I also keep getting all kinds of blisters. Which is annoying, and a little painful!

Ugh. What to do? What to do? Am I throwing the towel in to early?

Ill let you in on a little insecurity Im having. I was planning on running the Flying Pig in Cincinnati. My friend lives there so I would crash with her. Well shes running a marathon the weekend before, so she said she would love to come down with me and run a few miles of the pig with me. She is fast, like under 10 minute miles...where I can barely push out a 12 minute mile. That makes me feel so insecure! Not that she would even care...but that would be like a walk for her. Geez am I ridiculous or what?

I need to make a decision soon. Especially since the rates are going up on the Flying Pig. Im running a St. Pattys 5k...so maybe I should just stop stressing till than. Maybe running in a race will help me make a decision. Or better yet...push away those doubts and realize I can do whatever I put my mind to :)

Goodbye February, Hello March

2010-02-28T20:58:00.005-05:00

February was a pretty decent month for me, but I am glad to see it go. Only because it takes us one month closer to Spring! Im so over this winter. While we havent seen the amount of snow the east coast has...its been enough for me. Warmer temps, sunshine, melted snow, no ice...sounds just about perfect to me!

So want to hear some results on my fantastic February? Of course you do! Now exercise wise I had a fabulous month! I ended up with 24 workouts! Can I get a Woot! Woot! Here is the breakdown:

Not to shabby. I died out the last week due to these nasty sinus infection Ive been fighting. I felt it hitting on Tuesday night and Wednesday and Thursday I was down for the count. Friday I tried to pull it out and felt decent, but Saturday and today I felt like absolute crap while running! Im hoping that this is the last of it. I feel better...but its all that phlegm that is keeping me down!

Now for weight and measurements. I took them this morning...so here is my 30 day update:

Weight: Down 4.5 lbs
Waist: Down 0.5 inch
Mid Belly: Down 2 inches (this is where most of my weight is)
Bust: Down 0.5 inch
Under Bust: Down 1 inch

Am I happy with this? Im always happy with a loss. But its a little frustrating. If I had a healthy thyroid I have no doubt the numbers would have been a bit higher. But slow and steady wins the race I suppose. I just have to keep at it, and stay consistent. Eventually Ill get where I want to be. Now that I feel comfortable with my workout schedule, I will try more this month to work on the diet aspect. It can always use some work!

I am very happy with the way I feel these days. I feel strong again, fit, and my moods have been great. That alone is such an amazing thing!

So lets see what March brings. I know a St. Pattys 5k is on the agenda :)

Its All About Finding Something You Love

2010-02-23T20:25:00.005-05:00

And I LOVE cycling class!!!! I would always hear people say, when you find an exercise you really love, than working out will be fun! I use to think that was to good to be true. :p

Ive been dealing with some difficult times at work, that have resulted in my stress levels being out of control. Ive heard some rumors that the 5:30 cycling class is more intense than the 6:45 class I currently attend. I was a little intimidated to try it, but after one of my oh so stressful days at work I decided I needed to get my ass kicked. And that I did! I have now moved this class up as a high priority on my weekly workout schedule :) So much I even got up at 8am on Saturday to go to this instructors class! Now that is really out of character for me. Who is this girl? And what did you do with Melissa? LOL

I really felt like I was going to keel over in this workout. This class is a whole different ballgame than what Im use to! At one point I thought to myself..I may need to walk out! But I took it one song at a time, and tried to keep up with the resistance she had us at. As challenging as that was! Now I may not as been as fast as everyone, but I did what I could. Definitely an A for effort, IMO! No worries though, Ill get there someday. We all need goals to strive for ;) I LOVED her song selections to. It really helps you get into the workout. The best part of the workout was the very end...right when I felt like I didnt have anything left in me. We were doing sprints to the song, Best of You by the Foo Fighters. This song was perfect for the work day I had. I closed my eyes, and just let the music sprint me away.

Dont you love moments like that? Its like that moment is just speaking to you and helping you push through one of the million things clouding up your head!

I really like the way she runs her class to. She pushes us with the moves rather than screaming in her headset. There would be a few times she would vocally push us but it always felt like it was right at the moment I needed it. I really prefer that. I hate being screamed at...it pierces my ears!

Im so excited, and looking forward to each class. I love being pushed to my limits, and have fun while doing it! I didnt think I would ever say that! Im loving the growth and changes Im making. LOVING IT!

Happy Valentines Day!

2010-02-14T20:19:00.005-05:00

My day started off wonderful. I slept a good 10 hours! Grant got up with the dogs, and I got a few extra hours of beauty sleep. I guess I got my Valentines wish eh? LOL

We than exchanged our first Husband and Wife Valentines Day Cards. Awww, I love my husband. He picks out the sweetest, most perfect cards ever! Married life is wonderful!

Grant went to run some errands, so I went and got my run out of the way. Today on the training plan was 4 miles. I was a little worried about how the run would go because of how bad my knees have been aching. But I wore some nice cushion socks, and took my pace down a bit. Not the best time, but Im not so worried about time right now. More like just getting through the runs! My first week of half marathon training went pretty good. It feels great to be in a routine again. Something about training for an event really changes your outlooks on your workouts. I know there were a few days when I would of skipped the workout...but since Im training now it wasnt even a possibility to me. I cant believe Im in training again...and that Im going to run a half again. Exciting, and nerve wrecking at the same time! When I got back home I decided I would head out to the grocery store and pick up something to make for desert. Grant is cooking dinner and its half a surprise. So I wanted to make our desert a surprise to. We thought we would see if there was a movie we could rent while out, so stopped at the video store. But there wasnt anything we saw at the video store, so decided to come home and download a few episodes of Big Love. We only got through one episode since we lost track of time...so looking forward to catching up on more Big Love this week! Grant was on dinner duty, and boy did he bring it! I think he really outdid himself this time. It was absolutely delicious. We had steaks, redskin mashed potatoes, green beans w/ ham and garlic, and a very yummie arugla salad.
See Bandito trying to get my meal? Sneaky bastard! My belly is VERY full! Will we have room for my desert? Im sure we can make room for a small piece. I made peanut butter cheesecake...hope it turned out good!

Our first married Valentines has been fabulous! I hope your enjoying yours as well!

Happy Valentines Day!

Widgets Galore!

2010-02-13T22:37:00.003-05:00

After Meg's suggestion on tracking my workouts on my blog, I decided to revisit a site where I use to do just that. I was pleasantly surprised by the makeover that daily mile had! Although I can say I enjoyed the site before the upgrades, and now its just an extra bonus!

When I started using the Run Keeper App on my phone I didnt really need to use daily mile anymore. So I thought. The run keeper can track runs and walks, but it didnt track other types of exercise. So I think Ill use both :) I added the "workouts", widget. This shows my latest workout, miles ran this week, and total miles ran. I wish I could start the counter back to zero for total miles ran. Id prefer to just track this year. But to do that I think I would have to delete my previous workouts, which I dont want to do. I did add a section to track my miles ran this year, along with my PR's. I started the yearly count from when I started using the run keeper app, which was mid January. I think most workouts done before that were just a mile here or there anyways. I figure losing 2 weeks in January isnt that many lost miles anyways. ;-) Guess this is where I learn my lesson of why I should of kept up with daily mile. LOL

There was this widget on daily mile that had a countdown to your race, but its in blue and I couldnt get the color changed..or get it to fit right on my blog. So I used the race schedule widget instead. Than I added a countdown, so two widgets in the place of what the one widget did. Im not to crazy about the orange on the daily mile widgets...but I cant change the color. And I need to stop being so anal. LOL

Than the most fun widget...the donut meter! Daily mile tracks the calories I burn, and it shows how many donuts Ive earned, or could of burned off with those calories! Love it!

Dont you just love widgets? I know I can be such a dork.

Hello Weekend!!!

2010-02-13T00:23:00.004-05:00

The weekend is upon us again. Can I get a woooohooo?! Getting through the work week is always a challenge for me these days. So I fully embrace my weekends :) Even if its sitting in my recliner watching TV. Anything is better than being at my job these days!

Ive been really exhausted this week so thought maybe I would come home and take a nap. By the time Grant got home from work I could get a 1.5 hour nap in, and still get some stuff done. Well that didnt work out as planned. But does it ever? I started doing some things around the house, and before I knew it Grant was home. So much for that nap!

We were planning on going out tonight so I had to speed things up. I had to get my run in, stopped by the grocery store, and cook up some chili and corn muffins...all before going out! Phew! Never time to rest eh? My run was meh. I really need new shoes. I can feel it in my knees. I wont be able to get any for another week so wondering what I should do. I really dont know if my knees can handle another 3-4 mile run in these shoes. They are shot! When I got home I tried to multitask by watching Opening Ceremonies and cook up this chili, but it just seemed to take twice as long. So I had to DVR it, and am now catching up on Opening Ceremonies as I blog :) Always a multitasker. LOL

My chili doesnt look very chili like. Its for a soup kitchen that Im volunteering at tomorrow. Hopefully no one tells me its nasty...that would be a little embarrassing. I made corn muffins to...and I hope they are cooked all the way through. I couldnt really tell.....as you can Im a horrible cook. I really could use some lessons...I should look into that one day.

I feel so domesticated tonight! I cleaned the living room, vacuumed, got two loads of laundry done, dishes done, chili cooked, corn muffins baked, and even squeezed in a workout! I will admit Im exhausted now. I dont think I would of made it very long if we went out...and our friend called us to tell us it was cancelled anyways. They double booked the bar. Looks like Ill get to bed at a decent hour. Grant already fell asleep on the couch...does this mean he will get up with the dogs like he did last weekend? That was like heaven last weekend. I think it would be the best Valentines present ever this weekend...hint! hint! LOL

Happy Weekend Bloggers!

Going Strong

2010-02-11T20:33:00.007-05:00

Despite feeling a little off physically this week, Im still going strong! I usually can tell when my thyroid level is low, and usually Ill just sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. But Ive decided to do just the opposite. Regardless of how tired or exhausted I am, I still am trying to stick to my workout plan. So far, so good. Im right on schedule.

It feels good to be on a regular active schedule. Not only does it help my moods and release stress, but I can feel myself getting more fit. Sure not every workout feels top notch, but every workout gives me more confidence! Im half looking at myself in the mirror these days. :) Im experiencing, one again, the ups and downs of workouts. I love that great workout where I feel I can conquer the world. And those struggling workouts are just as great to. When I push through those barriers, I again feel on top of the world. My run today was like that. My legs have been achy, especially my knees. And it felt like I could feel every step through my entire body. When I got to 2 miles I just didnt know how Id make it another mile. Than the music carried me through once again. I was listening to some techno, Beckers and Hatfield....a track called Excuses (Weekend Heros Remix), and it just picked me up.

Techno never lets me down! Seriously its like it knew I needed to hear it at that point. A light bulb clicked, and I picked up the pace. At one point I wanted to just start pumping my fists in the air. Ahhh, dont you just love music?! It got me through that last mile...and I felt fanfuckingtastic when I was done. Now Im really exhausted...guess who will be getting a good nights sleep tonight?! Im sure Ill sleep like a baby :)

Weigh in was yesterday, and I was down 1.5 lbs. Not to shabby. I was happy to see a loss, after last weeks weigh in.

But still only 1.5 lbs in two weeks isnt anything to scream off the top of the mountain. My food needs some serious improvement. That combined with my workouts...I could seem some great results! I need to get a plan in place to work on that....

Well thats all she wrote folks. Time for bed.

Mind Over Matter

2010-02-07T20:40:00.005-05:00

Running that is. I would say that after you get a base of a 3 mile run going...it truly is a game of mind over matter.

Today I had my last "practice run". Ive been working on building up a base so I could jump into my half marathon training. The first week of the training plan has me running 2 as my shortest run, and 4 as my longest. Ive worked myself up to 3 miles, and running 3 times a week. So I think Im ready to start the training program. EEK!

So today I decided you better take it outside girl. You cant train every run on a treadmill so get use to the freezing temps now! The sun was shining, and when I was outside earlier in the day it felt decent out. So I layered up and headed to my running spot, a bike path about 10 minutes from my house. Its the safest spot for me. When I started my warm up I thought...hot damn its a lot colder than I thought it was! My lungs felt like they were frozen there for a little bit. After I got into my groove, my body warmed up, and my breathing fell into place. I set my runkeeper app for 3.5 miles. (Which by the way..this app rocks!) Jumping from 3 to 4 miles next week seems scary to me, so I thought Id go half way to see how it felt. It was hard. Just an extra half mile was a lot hard than I thought. When it was time to stop I was SOOO ready to stop. Heres where the mind over matter thing comes into play. If I HAD to go another half mile...I probably could have. I would of just kept the mind games going that I always have. It goes something like this:

Just run to the tree. That was to easy...how about that bench? Damn girl....I bet you cant make it to that building? Look your half way around now. And you thought you werent a runner? You are making Forest Gump look like a chump now! Than the runkeeper lady would update me on where I was...and Id start the game over. You only have .60 miles left...that means you ran almost 2 miles. Piece of cake...oh wait cake...you cant have a piece unless you go all the way girl!

LOL. Does anyone else do this? Whatever works right? :)

Sometimes I also like to visualize myself to. Running the last mile of a race. My dad cheering me at the finish line. Or someone Im not to fond of is running up ahead, and I pass them. LOL

Mind over matter, people. Mind over matter.

And when your done...your like damn that felt good. That is one of the reasons I love running. I can reach strides I didnt think I could. And when I do reach that stride...the confidence soars.

Running is good for the body and the soul. The End.

Hell Yeah!

2010-02-05T22:43:00.005-05:00

To say Im excited is an understatement. Im flipping ecstatic!!!! I love Ben Sims. Usually hes here around the time of DEMF, Detroit Electronic Music Festival. He always plays at after parties and goes on at like 4 or 5 am. Well Grant and I can never make it that late so always miss him.

So its on this time :) Can.Not.Wait!

Can I Have A Do-Over?

2010-02-03T20:17:00.004-05:00

Ever have one of those days when you wish you could just go back to bed? Its like a snowball effect...and you think what else?! Please stop! That was the kind of day I had. Damn I hate those days.

This picture is perfect. And it made me laugh, which is a good thing after the day I had!

Lets just rehash my day and see how bad it really is. Or lets just get it out so I can move forward. Whatever makes me sleep better at night, eh? I went to bed at a decent time last night...right around 9:30. So that gives me a good 8 hours of sleep. Well I woke up around 5, and had to pee really bad, so got up to take care of that. And of course had an hour till I had to get up, so by the time I fell asleep I had to get right back up. I think that screwed with me. See with my thyroid issues...I need a minimum of 8 hours of sleep or its hard to function. I got up around 6:15, and started my morning ritual. Prepare the dogs food, shower, flat iron my hair....and I was dragging butt. While flat ironing my hair I burned my finger..twice. I clamped my whole hand actually. Lovely.

Next up was the scale. Dun Dun Dun. It is weigh in day for my Biggest Loser Challenge. I was a little anxious about this weigh in. I was afraid the drinking I had done over the weekend might deter my weigh in..but I really pushed it out the last few days. Sadly, it wasn't enough.

I had a 2lb gain, which takes me back to square one. VERY disappointing, and put me in a foul mood. I know Im having a few mishaps here and there. But my workouts are really being pushed....and its frustrating. If I had a normal working thyroid Im almost sure Id drop weight.

The next few events happened once I got to work. I started to put my things up, change out of my boots and realized that I had Grants debit card in my purse. DAMN IT! I call him and sure enough he doesnt have any cash on him. So I had to head out to meet him. The drive there wasnt to bad actually...given it was middle of rush hour. The drive back was horrid. HORRID! So it took me twice as long to get back. By the time I got to work it was 8:30...an hour and a half after I usually get there. I would be there so late which really annoyed me. What can you do?

I continued on with my workday, and soon realized that one of the hems in my pant leg came unraveled. Lovely one leg was now longer than the other. UGH! Seriously? Everyone and anyone at work really just got under my skin from that point on. Especially one coworker who keeps asking me how to do the same thing day in and day out. Around lunchtime I decided it was time to call it a day. I took a half day. On the way home I just kept replaying how crappy my day was, and decided eating would only make me feel better. Im not losing weight anyways, so whats it matter? So I stopped at Qdoba and got my 1000+ calorie chicken nachos, with a big Coke.

The only happy part of my day was coming home to my furbabies, eating my chicken nachos, and watching Biggest Loser. How ironic to be stuffing my face while watching a weight loss show? Can we say pitiful? Did I feel better? For about 10 minutes. Than the stomach ache started. It felt like I had a ton of bricks in my stomach? So than I felt like crap again. Not just physically, but mentally. Why do I do this? Why do I let food comfort me, when that comfort is oh so short? I know better than this! The best thing would have been to go to the gym!

So the rest of the day/night I just lounged around feeling sorry for myself. Im so lame.

And on that note..tomorrow is a new day. I will make it better than my last.

Reaching For The Stars

2010-02-01T20:57:00.016-05:00

Last night I was searching the interweb for info on Jillian Michaels book, Master Your Metabolism. Someone recently told me she suffered from hypothyroid. I am intrigued.

For the record, I heart Jillian Michaels. <3

I found quite a few reviews on the book, and they all had one thing in common. This book is a must read! Some even said its one of the best health books out there. This is Jillians way of getting out what worked best for her, and if I ever get to that point I think I would want to do the same thing! Im open to reading about anyone with thyroid disease. And it really feels like you have to listen to all the stories out there! Hypothyroidism is such a perplexed disease. Its safe to say that a treatment that works for one person, doesnt always work for the next. Nonetheless, what works for one person could be a step into the right direction to your own healthy being. It can never hurt to try new things to help with your own thyroid disease! Im really interested in hearing her thoughts on hormonal imbalance. This is the part that endocrinologists dont really touch on (at least all the ones Ive been to). And its such a huge part of hypothyroidism, and definitely makes my own journey very complex.

When reading this interview with Jillian Michaels, I had a wonderful aha! moment. I love when I have those! I found this interview in Health magazine's, November issue. This is the question/answer that stuck out to me:

Q: In terms of our fitness efforts, where do we go wrong?

A: We sell ourselves short when it comes to capability and potential. We read on the treadmill. We walk. People will be like, “I’ve been walking.” And I’m like, “Really? Really?” [Laughs.] “OK, you walked to the car, and then to the door at the mall, and then you took the stairs, too? Come on, man.”

If I can take a 66-year-old man and train him six hours a day, six days a week, you can do more than just take the stairs! People have no concept of what the human body is really designed to do. They have no concept of their strength! And they function in a zone that is well below what their potential really is.

This is so true. Ive been at the gym so many times, jump on a piece of equipment for 30 minutes and pat myself on the back like I just completed a marathon. And was that 30 minutes everything I could give it? Was it high intensity? Or was it just a leisure workout? More than likely it was somewhere around leisurely. I am selling myself short. I am not reaching my FULL potential. I'm only cheating myself! (As you can tell Jillian is in my head. ha!)

Go big or go home, right?

I have the odds against me with my thyroid disease in the first place, so yes sir I need to go BIG! Im putting in the time for the workout, so why not push myself to get the most out of my workout? Seems like common sense doesnt it? Than why do we so often NOT do it? Because we think we can't do it? Or maybe because we think simply working out is an accomplishment by itself. But who wants to be mediocre? Not me! Making strides in my workouts gives me confidence. I know this from experience. And I want that feeling back again!

With all that being said, today (dont you love first day of the months?), was my first 60 minute cardio session. I did a 3 mile run and than jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes. During my run I got all the way up to 5.7mph! Lately Im lucky if I get up to 5 mph. I just kept pushing myself and it felt great! And guess what? I didnt die. I didnt fly off the treadmill. I adapted to it. Amazing what you can do when you just try!

So excited to see where I am at the end of this month!

Lazy Sunday

2010-01-31T21:37:00.007-05:00

Its been one lazy Sunday. Although we are all allowed a lazy day here and there right? I probably take them more than I should though.

Yesterday I was super productive. Got all the house cleaning done, as well as the laundry. So really today all I had to do was get a workout in. So I worked on yet another blog design. I think I really like this one, lets see how long I keep it. :p

Last night we went out to the bar to hear some techno music. We brought a couple friends of ours that normally dont listen to techno. It made me happy since I try to get my non techno friends to come out with me once in awhile, and am usually unsuccessful. Its nice to take them to a piece of my world. :) And it appeared they had a good time. She did say it was fun, but not a fabulous time. LOL Ill take that! Derek Plasklaiko did tear it up last night. Loved it! I drank regular beer last night....which probably wasnt a good idea. I hope it doesnt derail my weigh in this week. Today I ate unhealthy and drank way to much pop to. Im realizing that when I make one bad choice, there are many more bad choices that follow. So I have this bad feeling Ill have a gain this week. I had fun though, so if I do have a gain Ill just work harder on next weeks weigh in. Finally, after a very long day in my recliner I got up and did the 30 day shred. Thats whats so great about that workout, its 20 minutes...so really there is no excuse why you cant squeeze it in. As usual, I felt much better after I did it. :) And Im right on track with my exercise goal for the week. YAY!

Just watching the Grammys now. Its a decent show this year. Ill probably stay up to catch the MJ tribute. But than to bed..because its past my bedtime. lol Watching the Grammy's is not making me think about my normal Sunday blues. Thinking about going into a job that I dislike so much, for another long week. Ahhh yes, the Sunday blues. They get me every week.

But something exciting is happening this week! Ingrid Michaelson's tour dates are being announced!!!! I hope Detroit is on the tour!!!!! Something to look forward to this week :)

Wow, if this isnt a complete babbling post...I dont know what is! LOL

Days With My Father

2010-01-29T23:05:00.009-05:00

I was watching the news tonight and there was an interview with this photographer, Phillip Toledano. He has created an amazing project, Days With My Father. Phillip's mother suddenly passed away, and he began taking care of his 98 year old father who suffered from Dementia. He has created a photo journal of the last days with his father. I can only imagine how hard this was to do, and have so much admiration for Phillip to have completed this project. I can imagine what this did for him personally, and also how this touched so many other people.

As I watched this slide show I went through a whirlwind emotions. I cried, a lot. And they were hard cries...where my eyes were so filled with so many tears that the computer screen got blurry. Shortly after that I would find myself laughing. There are some hilarious stories in this project...some that remind me of my own father :) And than of course more crying, with large waves of sadness. Through those tears I would find a smile creeping out as well. It really was a emotional roller coaster. The connection between the father and son in these pictures is so hard to put into words. I could say strong, but it was so much more. You could just feel all the emotions the father and the son went through in each picture. Simply amazing.

It obviously made me think of my own relationship with my dad, and even my grandpa. What strong aspects there were, and also what the relationship lacked that I wish I could of made stronger. Lots of emotions were brought up and Im thankful that they were released. This project helped me have a nice cleanse of tears. I could feel emotions lingering lately, but I kept fighting them. Something I probably do more than Id like. It also made me reflect on my own life. Where Ive been, where Im at now, and where I want to be. Amazing how a project of images and words can touch you in ways you never imagined. Thank you Phillip Toledano for being so vulnerable and strong to make a project like this. You have touched a special part in my heart, and helped in my own healing process. For that I will be forever grateful!

Here is a quote from Phillip himself about the project:

“When I was taking pictures of my father, I felt like someone drinking deeply from the well for a last time, before setting out on a long journey alone. I wanted to remember as much as possible. To see as much as I could, to remember smells, conversations, the light on my father’s face when he smiled, when he was angry. It was very strange, spending time with someone I knew would die soon (we both knew, and where both waiting for it). I did the project never thinking it would speak to other people. It’s funny, now, in retrospect, that something I thought was so personal is so universal. A big part of the project now has been the reaction from others. It’s incredible getting emails from people who want to reconnect with their estranged fathers, after looking at the work. Or from families, who’ve looked at the photos together. I have to say, it’s been an honor to help people.”

I encourage all of you to take a few minutes and check this out. Make sure you grab a tissue though!

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com

Another Pound Gone!

2010-01-27T21:05:00.006-05:00

Weigh In day is here again...how fast you came! And Im happy to announce I have another pound gone. Slow and steady wins the race I suppose :)

I felt really strong with my workouts this week. I actually completed five days! Cycling, Running, and the 30 Day Shred. One day I even squeezed in two workouts. I forgot how much I love cycling class. It really has put a fire in me again. And I just saw that they added a Saturday and Sunday class. Another reason to not drink on the weekends, and get my ass out of bed early! Now as far as the eating...I need some help there. My soda intake is out of control. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. And fast food should NEVER be an option. So as you can tell my goals didnt work so well with me. Lets reflect shall we?

Last Week Goals:

Only one 20 ounce pop every other day - I did good for about 2 days, than had at least 20 ounce per day
Exercise 4 days - SUCCEEDED! Worked out 5 days!
Eat a fruit/vegetable with every meal - I maybe ate 1 a day - its a start I suppose
NO fast food (embarrassing that I even have to type this) - Failed 2 times

So...yeah. I was lucky to lose 1 pound! I have my mojo going with my workouts, so now time to add in another healthy goal. I really want to kick this soda habit. So I need to ponder on another way I can do this. I did buy milk this week. I usually drink pop with my dinner, so now Ive decided to try to drink milk with dinner instead. We shall see how that works out. Im going to focus only on two goals this week, and if I succeed than we will add a third next week.

This weeks goals:

Exercise: 4 days of cardio, 3 days of strength, 1 day of Yoga
Whenever I want to drink soda, I will drink milk instead

Okay, no excuses. I should meet both those goals! Im putting all this work into my workouts...why do I want to sabotage myself by eating so unhealthy? Seems like such a dumb thing to do, right? And Im not dummy...so enough is enough! :p

Oh, and a bonus motivator is coming my way. There is a department weight loss challenge going on at work. Basically we just weigh in on Tuesdays at work, but its the honor system. We dont have to share our weights..just the percentage we lost. And we can chose to go into the, "Gamble To Lose" program. We pitch in $10 in scratch off tickets, and if we maintain or lose we dont do anything else. But if we gain than we have to add in $1 scratch off card for that week. At the end of 8 weeks the top 2 losers when the scratch offs. I love scratch offs! And lets be honest...a lot of things dont really motivate me. Ive done biggest loser challenges before, where everyone knew my weight. I still at times couldnt find the inspiration or motivation to do what I needed to do. Instead I showed my gains, almost not even ashamed at times! Sad, isnt it? But something about doing this at work, around coworkers, who see you in the cafeteria eating breakfast and lunch. Now that SCREAMS motivation to me! LOL

So BRING IT ON! :p

Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone - Trance Dance

2010-01-24T18:47:00.008-05:00

Just as I have started on this journey of me - I got an email from my friend, Fran. Fran inspires me. She always gets me to try new things, and just step outside my comfort zone. I love that about her!

When I got an email from her that had the title, Trance Dance, I thought to myself...oh boy, what could this be about! Now most people who know me know that I dislike Trance music, very much. I opened up the email and found something completely different than I thought. It is a type of moving mediation that is done blind folded. A friend of Fran's, Adele, has this friend that is a facilitator. She was having a free session at her house for 10 people. I was really intrigued so I RSVP'd, and looked into it a bit further on the Internet. I LOVED everything I read. It was something I was looking for to come out of my comfort zone, as well as connect with myself in a way I havent done in a long time.

Just to give a little bit more info about Trance Dance, I have copied this info from their website. Rather than me try to explain it and get half the point across. :p

TranceDance is a unique blend of body movement, healing sounds, dynamic percussive rhythms, transformational breathing techniques and the innovative use of a blindfold or bandanna - together stimulating a 'trance' state that promotes spiritual awakenings, mental clarity, physical stamina and emotional well-being. Driven by unique musical soundtracks recorded specifically for this method of healing, Trance Dance takes participants on an 'inner journey' not limited to our normal perceptions of space/time. Ritual trance journeys have been a vital part of shamanic and eastern dance cultures for thousands of years. Our contemporary approach to Trance Dance brings together the richness of these ancient rituals with some startlingly effective modern techniques.

TranceDance's primary focus is on healing and spiritual evolution. By dancing within the seclusion of darkness participants discover parallel realities where solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems are possible. Through Trance Dance we `disappear', becoming more like spirit, and simultaneously less attached to life's ordinary difficulties, making it possible at these moments to let these problems go.

When we arrived at the facilitator, Deb's, house the mood was already set. There was dimmed lights, candles lit, fire place going, music playing, and incense burning. Her living room was clear of furniture, with a wood floor. Getting even more intrigued! There were 6 of us that attended, which seemed to be a perfect number of people for the size room we had. We all gathered in a circle on the floor while Deb went over some key things about the Trance Dance. She had gone on a 10 day retreat in Guatemala where she was trained to be a facilitator. It sounded like an amazing experience! Some key things she had said, was that you may feel like you are fighting it. Dont. Just let the fear go, and go with it. She said that everyones journey would be different, and some people may get emotional. Its okay. And there is no right or wrong way to do this, everyones journey will be different and its always the right way.

The Trance Dance was a 90 minute session. When I heard this I thought, wow we are going to be standing/dancing for 90 minutes. I wonder if I can mediate for this long. Honestly I wondered if I would even dance. So I put my blind fold on, and kept an open mind. The music was BEAUTIFUL. All kinds of different music. Lots of tribal with flutes, percussion, and jazz even thrown in at times. There would be singing at times, usually not in english. I just tried to stop thinking about what was going on, and mediate. I think it was probably the 3rd or 4th song in all of a sudden I felt like someone as pushing on my hip. Like getting it to move. And I just went with it. Next thing I knew my body was just moving. Not in a way that I usually dance though. It was so weird but awesome at the same time!

Another thing I noticed was that whole thing Deb had said about fighting it. She said to ask yourself why your resisting. The feeling felt like it was being stopped in the middle of my chest. Like there was something stopping it from going through my whole body. It almost felt like a panic attack. I just took a few deep breaths, and let it go. Towards the end of the dance I was really fatigued. My legs were like jello, and my body was just heavy. I wanted to sit down but thought someone might trip over me.

The dance ends with 3 minutes of the om chant. We all sat down during that and took off our blindfolds when we were ready. We all than sat in a circle again and shared our experiences. Some of the girls had some really amazing stories. How they had such an emotional connection during the Trance Dance. And how it brought them clarity to things going on in their life. And one girl even talked about how she got so angry at one point, but just worked through it. How amazing does this all sound?

It was a really interesting experience for me, but I didnt really experience a spiritual aspect...or emotional. But I think I probably did, but I just didnt know how to connect the physical feeling, with the mental/emotional feeling. Like that how thing where I needed to take deep breaths....there probably was some emotional connection but I couldnt connect them. Maybe because I dont mediate often? Maybe because I was resisting? Maybe because Im not ready? Who knows. I do know it was a pretty amazing journey, and something I definitely would want to do again. We had talked about as a group of doing this once a month, or every other month. I think I want to be part of that so I can learn more things about me. Im sure every journey is different. During some of the dancing that I did...I thought to myself I probably look like an idiot but this just feels right, and feels GOOD! I loved that feeling. Its not something I feel very often.

I cant wait to share my experience with my therapist. She highly recommends music therapy, especially drum circles..which is another experience I want to have! So maybe she can give me a little more insight on my experience.

I LOVE trying new things like this. While stepping outside of my comfort zone is scary, it is also exhilarating. I need to do it more often! Growth is such an amazing thing...I seem to forget that since its been so long since Ive felt it!

The Year Of Me

2010-01-21T20:56:00.008-05:00

When I was in therapy last week I was letting every emotion out. I felt like I was reaching a pretty low point. And just overwhelmed with life. I sort of talked a bit about this a few posts ago...

Well one thing that really got me down is I had to drop my classes this semester so we would have the extra money for all of Vinyls vet appointments. Ive finally registered for this interior design class, and was really looking forward to it. It was the one thing I was holding on to that I thought would bring some joy into my life. Don't get me wrong, there are many things great about my life....Grant, the dogs, etc. But I really needed something to help me personally. To light that fire in me again. So I was really looking forward to this. My therapist, being the smart woman she is, reassured me. She told me its okay you can take it next semester. For now you can just focus on you. On getting your health back on track, finding a new job, and just working on making you a happy, healthier person.

What a great concept, dont you think? How come it takes someone to say it to me to realize it than. LOL So since that session I have just gone with that idea. I asked her for some ideas for stress relief and she threw some great ones out there. First of all I have really made a commitment to myself to seeing this exercise and healthy eating thing through. Im sure it wont be all rainbows everyday, but Im going to enjoy the journey. Ive started looking at different classes or lectures that I could take, and found some great ones on mediation, goal setting, etc. I also decided to really seek out a grief support group. I found a 8 week series workshop, From Grief to New Hope, that starts in March. Im anxious about that one, but know it will be comforting to meet people who are going through what Im going through. Even if it is 2 years later. Im really putting myself first for once. Working on me. Because I deserve it.

Can this finally be the year of Melissa? As cliche as it sounds....Im in control of my own destiny. So it sure could be my year. Ive realized how unhappy I am, and how that reflects on different events in my life. I wish I was just more secure and happy with myself during my wedding. So I could of really embraced the whole process. I did enjoy it, but it could of been even better if I was in the right state of mind. I cant change the past, so all I can do is make improvements for the future!

I see some stepping outside my comfort zone in the future.....

Biggest Loser Weigh In 2

2010-01-20T20:58:00.004-05:00

Today was our Biggest Loser Challenge weigh in.....and Im happy to say I took a 1 pound loss. Yay!

Last night when I was at cycling class I felt like I was doing a last chance workout. LOL Something about getting in a great workout the night before a weigh in....and something about all the calories you burn in cycling class!

Ill be honest, I thought maybe I would see a bigger loss, and than I reflected back on my week. I had quite a few ups and downs. A few really bad meals and way to much pop. I did workout more times this week than I have in a while. Two days I jogged, one day of 20 minute shred, and a cycling class. Normally I might get one day of the shred in. Sad, isnt it? I will say that my recent health problems of migraines and nausea can really put a damper on my workouts. Not that Im trying to make excuses, but somedays I cant work through it. :( I also was pretty good at staying within my calorie range...now if those calories were healthy or not is another story. Ive been using the Lose It App, and it calculated 1700 calories a week will bring me in at around a 1 pound loss a week. The 2 pound loss had a 1500 calorie limit which felt to low right away. I sort of even felt hungry at 1700 calories. So Ill have to play around with my calorie range, as well as the foods Im eating. Im sure if I ate foods that filled me up more, than I wouldnt be so hungry at this calorie limit.

I think setting goals is a good start. So here is my goals for this week:

Only one 20 ounce pop every other day
Exercise 4 days
Eat a fruit/vegetable with every meal
NO fast food (embarrassing that I even have to type this)

That seems very doable. Heres to a better week, and another loss!

Am I The Only One?

2010-01-19T20:49:00.004-05:00

Who hates going to workout class and seeing yourself in the mirror? Its horrible. I think...who is that girl looking back at me? How in the hell did you get this size? I guess its motivation though eh? I would like to say its just in classes, but anytime Im at the gym I hate seeing clearly. So you want to know how ridiculous I am? I take my glasses off so everything is blurry. I try to tell myself that my glasses just slide off my face, and I like to get lost in the zone. But the reality is...if people are pointing and laughing at me (like I think they are), I cant see them! LOL Got to love insecurities eh? Nobody even glances my way, but for some reason my head cant comprehend that!

Tonight I went to cycling class. Luckily I got one of the last few bikes. I forgot its January and the gym is packed. I had to go to the third parking lot to find a spot! The bike that I got was front row, right in front of the instructor. Groan. Just before I left I said to Grant...hopefully I dont get front row and someone has to stare at my ass. LOL But looking at the positive...always the positive...I knew Id get the most of my workout being in the front row. No wimping out, or losing form when the instructor is right in front of me! I had that mirror staring at me. But this was like a 3D every wall in the room type mirror. The devil! Of course I thought wow everyone is like...look at that girl! Who does she think she is wearing that? So I took off my glasses, and enjoyed the rest of my class with blurry vision. HA! Im so messed up in the head.

I havent been to cycling class since before the wedding, so it was rough. But I just focused on my breathing, and drank lots of water. Before I knew it, class was over. Okay maybe not before I knew it...because I felt every single minute in that hour! I made it through a standing hill climb, surges, jumps, simulating jogs, and than the killer...sit down high resistance 12 minute hill climb. Phew! I feel GREAT! I love this feeling :)

Maybe in a few weeks I can keep my glasses on. :p

Just Breathe

2010-01-18T21:46:00.005-05:00

So I have to admit life has been overwhelming these days. Very overwhelming. My health issues seem to have taken a down spiral, Vinyls been very sick, work drama, family, friends, along with everyday responsibilities. I just feel like Im at my threshold. So when I had a therapy appointment today I was really looking forward to it.

That was until I woke up and felt like complete crap. My week long headache had now turned into an unbearable migraine. One that sat right in my eyes. Half way through the work day I started to feel sick to my stomach, very nauseous, and I had a hive outbreak. I know these signs. It means my thyroid levels have dropped really low. On the way home from work I stopped at my endocrinologist and got some blood work done. To bad I had to debate and beg them to do it. My doctor kept saying it was to soon, and to come back in a month. Even after I told him about my symptoms. Nice doctor eh? Hopefully the blood work will tell my story and my doctor will realize its not in my head.

When I got home I grabbed something to eat and tried to sleep off some of my migraine. It didnt work very much, but it did make the migrane a little more tolerable. So off to my appointment I went. I thought about canceling but I know that I really need my appointments these days. So I went. And so glad I did.

My appointment today helped tremendously. More so than the last few appointments. I was able to let out all those overwhelming feelings that Im carry around. Let out in a way where I felt someone actually understood me. I also got to work through some of the stresses in my life. And my therapist gave me tons of information on things to help towards my own self care. It refocused me. I left there feeling optimistic. Something I havent felt in quite sometime. These next few months are all about me. Time to get my health back on track, and really doing things to make me happy. I never put me first, and its critical right now that I do!

Not as easy as riding a bike....

2010-01-17T20:54:00.008-05:00

We are having a little bit of a heat wave here in Michigan. We had a high of 36 degrees today. I don't know if it ever got that high, but when I got outside it was around 10am and felt pretty balmy.

I decided that I would take advantage of this heat wave and take my run outside today. Now I just recently got back into the running game...and quite honestly its kicking my butt. Seriously. See Homer over there...I felt exactly like that. (And actually I think Ive used that Homer image before! HA!) The treadmill seems just a little bit easier these days. But I loathe the treadmill. So getting outside is good. I need to get use to winter running if I plan on running any races anyways. So out I went.

I got through 2 miles. I felt like I was in super slow motion, like when Will Farrell gets hit in the jugular in Old School. LOL I can definitely tell you that getting back into running is not as easy as riding a bike again. No sir. But it did feel good to have a 2 mile base. I remember when I very first started running a few years ago...30 seconds felt just like 2 miles felt today. Now that is something to reflect on :)

I would like to run a half marathon again...and something that may be happening in April (that I cant mention right now) would definitely motivate me to get in shape. So a half marathon could really be in my future. Right now 13.1 miles seems crazy....but Ive done it before so I know I can do it. One mile at a time.

6 Changes

2010-01-16T23:26:00.006-05:00

Just like most people in January I have been thinking about New Years resolutions. I know some people think that its cliche, but I have always liked making New Years resolutions. Although over the years I have never found myself very successful at them. I usually take on to many at once, or get burnt out from not seeing changes right away. Yet every year I try again. There has to be a way to be more successful at these resolutions! As I browsed the many blogs I read I fell upon a blog that had a great method to meeting those New Years resolutions.

This method is by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits, 6 changes. While reading this blog it basically said everything I just mentioned above. The new year brings on so much optimism, and than within weeks it slowly fades away...for whatever reason. The 6 changes method was created to help be successful at these new habits. Here is some great info from the blog and website:

The Problem with Most Resolutions
While I love the optimism of New Year’s Resolutions, unfortunately, the enthusiasm and hope often fades within weeks, and our efforts at self improvement come to a whimpering end.

New Year’s Resolutions usually fail because of a combination of some of these reasons:

We try to do too many resolutions at once, and that spreads our focus and energies too thin. It’s much less effective to do many habits at once (read more).
We only have a certain amount of enthusiasm and motivation, and it runs out because we try to do too much, too soon. We spend all that energy in the beginning and then run out of steam.
We try to do really tough habits right away, which means it’s difficult and we become overwhelmed or intimidated by the difficulty and quit.
We try to be “disciplined” and do very unpleasant habits, but our nature won’t allow that to last for long. If we really don’t want to do something, we won’t be able to force ourselves to do it for long.
Life gets in the way. Things come up unexpectedly that get in the way of us sticking with a habit.
Resolutions are often vague — I’m going to exercise! — but don’t contain a concrete action plan and don’t use proven habit techniques. That’s a recipe for failure.

There are other reasons, but the ones above are easily sufficient to stop resolutions from succeeding.

The 6 Changes Method
So what are we to do? I’ve created the 6 Changes Method, along with a new site called 6Changes.com, to solve these problems:
We only focus on one habit change at a time, so our focus and energies aren’t spread thinly.
We implement the habit changes gradually, so we don’t run out of steam.
We start out really, really easily, so it isn’t intimidating.
We focus on enjoyable activities, so we don’t need “discipline”.
We have two months to do the habit change, so if something comes up, it’s but a small bump in the road. And because we’re publicly committed, we’re going to get back on track.
We have a very specific plan with actions built in, using proven habit change techniques.

If you stick with the method, you’ll do much better than you’ve done in the past with New Year’s Resolutions. You’ll focus on creating long-lasting habits rather than trying to reach a short-term goal that fails. You’ll maintain your enthusiasm for longer and not become overwhelmed by the difficulty of change. You’ll have habits that will change your life, and that’s no small feat.
The Method
So how does the 6 Changes method work?

It’s simple:

Pick 6 habits for 2010.
Pick 1 of the 6 habits to start with.
Commit as publicly as possible to creating this new habit in 2 months.
Break the habit into 8 baby steps, starting with a ridiculously easy step. Example: if you want to floss, the first step is just to get out a piece of floss at the same time each night.
Choose a trigger for your habit – something already in your routine that will immediately precede the habit. Examples: eating breakfast, brushing your teeth, showering, waking up, arriving at the office, leaving the office, getting home in the evening.
Do the 1st, really easy baby step for one week, right after the trigger. Post your progress publicly. (Read more.)
Each week, move on to a slightly harder step. You’ll want to progress faster, but don’t. You’re building a new habit. Repeat this until you’ve done 8 weeks.

You now have a new habit! Commit to Habit No. 2 and repeat the process.

Check out the website, there is tons of more detailed info on the 6 changes method and how to make this successful for you!

Seriously, this method makes new habits so attainable! And you have to admit, it makes complete sense :) Why didnt we think of this years ago? It makes me more excited to make goals for 2010. As I read on the website, to be successful you should be pick a daily habit. When I first thought about the 6 changes I wanted to make they weren't very specific, and definitely weren't daily habits. So Im still thinking on what my 6 changes will be. But will be making my first change public on here very soon :)

Biggest Loser Challenge

2010-01-12T21:18:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow I'm starting a Biggest Loser Challenge with some online friends. Ive done this challenge many times before. Very unsuccessful. I'm hoping this time is different. Actually I NEED this time to be different.

So we take take a before picture, every week we send in a picture of ourselves on the scale, and at the end we send in an after picture. The person who has the highest loss percentage after 12 weeks is the winner. Normally there is no money involved, but a group of us have decided to do money on the side. I think its up to a $100 pot right now. Thats a nice chunk of change :)

This group of us on the side made our own little private facebook group. I think that the little competition going in there will be great! I also am trying to commit myself to running a half marathon for my 30th birthday. Well actually its the weekend after my birthday. That would really kick my butt into gear. I havent signed up yet...but think I should. That would be the only thing that would really motivate me. Putting money down that I cant get back!

Any suggestions on how I could make this challenge work for me, and not get frustrated and give up...are greatly appreciated. Because we all know Im the queen of do overs.

I havent been on the scale in sometime...so it will be interesting to see what the scale says in the morning.

Dun. Dun. DUN!

Worried

2010-01-10T20:24:00.005-05:00

This morning I woke up on my own, which is a very rare occasion. Usually the doggies wake me up bright and early. When I glanced at the clock I saw that it was 10:30....and all 3 dogs were in place...so I thought..wow this is nice. I headed into the living room and smelled this awful stench. As I made my way into the kitchen I saw there was an accident. It looked like it was diarrhea. I began to look around more and found a few places in the living room where one of them vomited. And upstairs there was more vomit, this was clear mucus like though. The bathroom had it as well. As I let them outside the smell was intensified. I glance to the bottom of the stairs and see more. Once I got into the basement there were 2 pools of blood, as well as more diarrhea.

I immediately panicked. I glance out the window and see Vinyl laying down in the snow. I go out there and noticed some more blood in the snow. I let them back in and she was really lethargic and just went to lay down. I started to clean up the mess, and just found myself crying hysterically. The smell reminded me of just before Sadie passed. Sadie got cancer at an early age of 7, and had tumors all over her abdomen, stomach, and bowels. She couldnt control her bowel movements, and there was lots of cleaning up like this. I was keeping a close eye on Vinyl, and she was definitely not acting like herself. Anytime she drank water, I would let her out shortly after that and she would vomit. So I started calling around to find a ER vet that wouldnt be to ridiculous in price.

I found a place that charged $99 for the exam, so gave it another hour before I knew I needed to take her in. Unfortunately our funds are very limited right now, and I couldnt afford to get her a full work up. But they gave her a shot to help with the vomit, and an iv of fluids. They also gave me some antibiotics for her that will help with inflammation of her bowel. Since we have been home shes just been laying around. Actually shes been hiding in our bed all day. I can see the worry and pain in her eyes. Its breaking my heart. I tried to feed her the bland diet they suggested, but she wouldnt even take the food when I hand fed it. I even pulled out some deli fresh, she loves that, and she wouldnt even take that. :(

I really think this is related to the weight issues she had before. It has to be some digestive issue. I just wish I could find a vet to figure out what is going on with her! We have taken her to a few vets now and nothing. The vet at the ER did mention getting a test done on her pancreas.

Last night she was eating, playing, and acting like her good ol self. Grant even was up till around 4am, and said she didnt have any accidents before than. Its weird how it just snuck up on her like this. I hate seeing her like this. Im so worried. I cant lose her. Not now. I just want a few more years. Does that make me selfish? :( Hopefully she will eat tomorrow. We have to get her into the vet to get a full set of xrays, and bloodwork. Something we have done a few times in the last 6 months and found nothing. I hope we get some answers this time. Before its to late. :(

A Complete Mess

2010-01-10T00:11:00.005-05:00

When I got back from the wedding I started seeing my therapist on a more regular basis. I was just feeling more down than usual, and felt like I was slipping into depression. I wasn't sure if it was the post wedding blues, or actually depression. What I did know is that the dark cloud surrounding me weighed heavier than it has in the last 18 months. She suggested a psychiatrist who prescribed me Wellbutrin. Why did taking an antidepressant completely freak me out?

I gave it a try for a week and had pretty intense side effects. Which I thought would happen because any medications I take is like that. The worse side effect was this unbearable migraine. At the same time I also switched my thyroid meds. And during that first week I was actually feeling really good. I knew that the Wellbutrin couldnt be working that fast, so assumed it probably was the thyroid meds I was on. I have been on these before and they worked great, so was happy they had the same effect. Ive spent so long feeling like crap that I really felt like a new person. I stopped the Wellbutrin for a number of reasons. I couldnt deal with the 7 day migraine. And there is a lot of connection between hypothyroid and depression. I wanted to let the new medications get in my system and than re-evaluate if I should be on a antidepressant. If it really is due to my thyroid, taking a antidepressant is working against me. I made a promise to myself to give it a month, and stop sabotaging myself with unhealthy habits during this time as well. Habits like drinking alcohol, eating unhealthy, and not working out. If I still feel down after doing those things, than at least I know I gave it my all, and tried everything. Well Ive been on the thyroid meds for almost 3 weeks and I have plateaued. Im exhausted and tired again. And my mood has down spiraled.

Im so torn on what move to make, or how to handle this. If the depression is in fact due to my thyroid, Id like to just focus on getting a normal thyroid level. But what if its not? And being on an antidepressant would be the answer for me now. I wish I could find an endocrinologist that could help and support me better to. I see mine once every 4 months, and literally get maybe 10 minutes max with him. I dont feel like Im really being listened to either. I was very uncomfortable with they psychiatrist I went to, so got a second recommendation from my therapist. She recommended a psychiatrist who has a extensive medical background. The first psychiatrist I went to wasnt very understanding about my thyroid disease. He was like everyone else and thought that I should take a pill and feel better. Its so much more than that. So Id like to go to a psychiatrist that understands a little bit about thyroid disease. Hopefully this second recommendation will be more helpful.

Now with all that being said....situational depression definitely makes sense. With all the things Im dealing with in my life, some days I wonder how Im functioning. Obviously the big issue is my dads passing, and my estrangement from my mom. That has resulted in a very distant relationship with the rest of my family. Those things alone make life pretty hard a majority of the time. Throw in that we just went through the holidays, and got married with only 1 family member present...well I can see how that could cause some depression. Lately I have been having work drama that has really made me miserable as well. And I have so many other insecurities that I could be here all day writing about them. So maybe I am truly depressed. Or maybe its a combo of both?

So what do I do about this? Do I tackle the thyroid issue? Do I try antidepressants? Im still trying to figure that all out.

What I do know is I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to stop continuing to eat the way Im eating. When I stop putting crap in my mouth, maybe I will stop feeling like crap. And exercising is essential at this time. The weight gain is something that daily brings me down, so simple solution is to workout. And working out will only improve my mood. So there is two great reasons to work out. But why is that so difficult for me though?And the drinking alcohol, I need to stop with the drinking. I can fully admit that I drink and eat to feel better and have fun, which is exactly why I need to stop. Because drinking is a downer, and boy does it bring me down. It brings out every insecurity I have, and I usually end up being overly emotional. Nobody should have to deal with that. And why do I want to put myself in that state?

I feel like a complete mess. And there are so many parts out of place that Im overwhelmed on what to do first. I feel alone and wish I could find someone who can relate to me. I have Grant and friends who do support me, but they just dont understand how Im feeling. Id love to have someone who can understand that.

I just want to be happy and normal again.

Reality Check

2010-01-07T21:40:00.004-05:00

Well I am have started off this year with a big, FAT, reality check! I know that Im at the highest weight Ive ever been. I know that the choices I make on a daily basis are factors in this. But sometimes you just need something to smack you in the face and say, Hey Melis...you are out of control.

Last week I went shopping to find something to wear for New Years Eve. Now shopping can be quite the depressing activity for me. So I was sort of mentally prepared for it. As usual I couldn't find anything that fit right. I felt ugly in everything. My rolls stuck out everywhere. So I decided what anyone my size would do, accessories Melissa. Accessories. But even accessories were slim. As I was heading back home, I passed an old favorite bra store of mine, so decided to go in and treat myself to a new bra instead. I could tell that the ones Ive been wearing are definitely the wrong size. So I went in and got sized by a consultant. Sure enough I was wearing a size WAY to small. When she told me the size, I gasped. Than I thought she probably is a little off. They usually are. But once she brought the bras out, and I tried them on, she was pretty accurate.

What was the reality check? The bra size was the same size I was BEFORE I had my breast reduction. If that isnt a HUGE reality check, than I dont know what is. The difference this time is that my breast tissue is all FAT. Where before it was more all dense tissue. Its pretty embarrassing actually. I went through so much to get approved for that surgery. Than take in account the recovery process and time....its shameful that Ive let myself get like this! Im sure once I take healthier steps the weight will come off, and Ill have my small boobs back again but its the whole principle! I even had a lift when I had my surgery...now since Im back to the yo yo game of gaining and losing, the lift...well isnt so lifting anymore. :(

So there it is. A reality check. Sometimes you need something to smack you in the face to finally realize you have to make changes. Ive been trying to make small changes in the short 7 days of the new year...and I can tell its going to be a long hard journey. One Ive taken many times before. But it can be done. Oh yes it can be done.

2010 Here I Come...

2010-01-03T21:27:00.006-05:00

I love the New Year. Some people think its so cliche with resolutions everywhere, but I really enjoy it. It feels like a fresh start. A clean slate. Another chance to make this year better than the last. And with this year being the beginning of a decade it just makes things even more exciting.

2009 was a great year. Certainly one of the high points was getting married and having the most amazing wedding! But there were also some low times. But why dwell on the low points. They are in the past, and should stay there! Im looking forward to the growth I can make in 2010. There are so many opportunities out there, and I hope to take advantage of as many as I can!

I do have some resolutions, but Im still working them out before I commit to them. So stay tuned for that!

Sorry so short, but I need to get to bed!

And so time has gotten away again...

2009-12-27T00:15:00.004-05:00

Im really slacking on this blog thing lately. I think a lot of thoughts that were going through my head felt safe in my head. And I didnt want to devote the time to getting them out of my head either. But one of the steps to healthy lifestyle and healing is journaling. So I have promised to myself to try to blog a bit more. Even if its just a small paragraph here or there. Its good to get things out, and nice to reflect back on.

I have ditched the holiday blog design, and found one that Grant so nicely modified for me. He added in a wedding picture and took out some filagree. The design is a little fuzzy, especially the circles in the header...but it will do for now. Id like to devote time to a new design in the future, one that I will complete. Instead of running to Grant to do it since hes so much faster at it than me. :p

I started sorting through some of the wedding pictures tonight, so hopefully can blog some of them in the near future. Our Trash The Dress pictures should be available in about a week. Im very, very anxious to see them!!!!

But right now I can barely keep my eyes open, so off to bed I go. Night!

Change

2009-11-30T20:30:00.004-05:00

So I have things I want to talk about, but cant really bring myself to talk about them yet. Still gathering and trying to process my thoughts. Or maybe Im just ashamed and dont want to put it out there. Not yet. I will soon though.

What I will blog about is that I need change in my life. In many areas. Im not happy with the person I am. I know I have so much more potential but love to hold myself back. Fear often feels like it controls my life. Im so over fear.

I also want to be a good wife to my husband. He deserves a good wife, and the person I am right now is a mess. Next up will be motherhood, and I definitely want to be a good mom. Im so fearful of being a bad wife and mom. See fear...again. So its time to make some changes. It may take some time, but my life needs an overhaul. Its going to be a long process, that may be overwhelmingly difficult at times....but its very much needed.

Lets hope I can find the strength to begin and stick with this process. Now this feels all over the place..as you can see I have a lot going on in my head right now. A lot that is hard for me to put into words right now....

I Heart Christmas

2009-11-28T20:19:00.007-05:00

Christmas is my favorite holiday. It always has been. Its still the one holiday that I havent changed my feelings on even with all the things that have happened with my family in the last couple years. It just makes me happy. The decorations, the lights, the music, the first snowfall (yes I said snow!), the hustle and bustle of the season, the traditions, finding the perfect gift, the food! especially peppermint hot chocolate....just the whole spirit of it. It gives me the warm fuzzies!

Especially Christmas music. It just fills me with joy. I know I sound so cheesy. No matter whats going on in my life, or what kind of day Im having...I can put on some Christmas music and it puts me in a great mood :)

So today I prepped the living room for Christmas decorating. We put up the tree and did some decorating in the living room. I love having the Christmas lights up. Of course we put on Christmas music, and Im just so happy right now. Bandito loves Christmas decorating. He sits and watches us, while the other two look depressed. Not sure what thats all about...I wonder if it makes them think of things from the past. Rusty - my parents, and makes Vinyl think about Sadie. :(

Last night I caught the movie Family Stone. I never saw it before, and really enjoyed it. I really love all the cheesy Christmas movies to. Always a happy ending. :) I think Ill try to watch more Christmas movies this season than I usually do. I definitely want to go see the one with whats his name from Meet the Faulkner's. The dad.....its on the tip of my tongue! It has him and Drew Barrymoore in it. It looks good. I love the movies. I just wish it was a little bit cheaper to go these days!

Id like to make a few Christmas gifts this year. We dont really have to buy for many people, which is a great thing because we are so broke from the wedding. But my crafty side has kicked in and Im itching to make some things...we shall see what I come up with :)

LOVE this time of the year!

100th Post

2009-11-28T11:04:00.006-05:00

1ooth post....craziness. When you start a blog you wonder if you will continue on with it to get to milestones like 100th post. What in the world do I talk about...because really I dont think I have that many interesting things to say!

In honor of my 100th post...Ive decided to great a cloud of keywords that gets talked about here in my blog :)

I think my blog is to skinny to really see that....damn 3 column blog. LOL

Happy 100th post smorsablog!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-27T00:48:00.006-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Hard to believe that Thanksgiving is already here. Time sure does fly by, doesnt it?

I am happy to say that I have had a really nice Thanksgiving. I was dreading it last week. Ive been in a huge funk, and quite the Negative Nancy. I keep focusing on the things that are horrible in my life, and I should focus on the good things. Who wants to live their life in such a miserable state? My original plan for Thanksgiving was to feel sorry for myself and stay in my pj's and veg on the couch. Now I know that was a bad idea, but its what I wanted to do. Grant said whatever I want to do is what he will do. Bless that boy, he has been through my extreme ups and downs, and still stands there and supports me. That would be one of the many reasons I love him so much.

So after a session with my therapist, I did come to my senses and agree to spend the holiday with family. Just because my immediate family isnt ideal to spend the holiday with...doesnt mean I should spend it alone. We went to Grants aunts for Thanksgiving. Its his aunts (stepmoms sister) family, Grants parents, and than Grants uncles (or aunts inlaws) family. Everyone wanted to hear about the wedding, so we got to relive that best day of our lives again :) We brought the laptop so were able to show some pictures to everyone. Oh how Id love to go back there right now! Delicious food as usual. This family is italian and are great cooks! And of course even more delicious deserts, my favorite part!

I had a tradition with my parents that we would go to the movies on holidays, specifically Thanksgiving and Christmas. We have done it as long as I can remember. Last year Grant and I tried to attempt that, but Grant got food comatose so we missed out. Grant made sure to not stuff himself this year, so we were able to go :) We went and seen Pirate Radio. I LOVED it! It had a few cheesy parts, but I really enjoyed it. Music is such an amazing thing, and such a huge part of both Grant and my life. I love that about our relationship. So it was a great movie to relate to :)

Now we are at home watching late night shows. Pee-Wee Herman was just on Conan, and he looks exactly like he did when I watched Pee Wee's Playhouse! Kinda creepy. LOL Apparently he is doing some sort of Pee-Wee Playhouse play....

So I thought with it being Thanksgiving, I should post what I am thankful for :) I really am trying to focus on being more positive, and being thankful for what I have. Because really it could be worse, it really could. So here comes my list...

I am so thankful that I have a job that feels secure at the moment.
Im also thankful that I have been recommended for a promotion at work. It feels great that my managers have that confidence in me.
Im thankful I have 3 of the cutest, most sweetest dogs ever. No matter what happens, those 3 shower me with unconditional love!
Even though my health isnt the greatest, I am thankful that I know what my health problems are and continue to work on getting healthier.
Im so thankful I was able to live out such an amazing dream wedding!
Im also super thankful that Grant and I both were able to take a 19 day vacation for our wedding moon!
Im thankful for the friends and family that have really been such a great support system during this very difficult year!
While the loss of my parents has been hard, I am thankful for the 17 holidays I did have with them.
Last but not least, Im super, uber thankful for my amazing husband. My life is complete with him, I realize this more and more each day. I feel very blessed to have my soul mate and best friend by my side through this journey we call life.

Happy Thanksgiving - lots to be thankful for. :) And on that note, its time for bed. Night Bloggers!

Late Night Ramblings

2009-11-25T22:45:00.004-05:00

I have so many things running through my mind tonight that I couldnt pick just one thing, so will blog about them all! First of all I feel a little bit guilty that I sort of steal random pictures such as the one above and put them on my blog. Sorry to those of you who I steal your pictures....at least I dont steal your bandwidth to! lol

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I really need to color my hair. Ive been super lazy and been watching TV and surfing the web all night...so I guess Ill have to do it in the AM. I hate coloring my hair the same day I go places because it smells that first day and is always hard to style! Speaking of styling....my flat iron broke while we were in Florida so that is another challenge to. I finally ordered a new one today from www.folica.com. I love that site. I got $20 off and free shipping. Score! I sat here for a good hour debating between a 1" plate and a 1.5" plate. The things I agonize over! I ended up with the 1.5" so I could cut some time off my getting ready time. Im not sure if Ill be able to curl my hair with that big of a plate though. Im sure I can find a demo on you tube on how to use that size to curl. Dont you love you tube?

I really would like to organize my "home" office space this weekend. I keep saying that but it never happens. Its a scrapbook room/lia sophia office/school crap space. Yeah way to much going on eh? LOL If I got it organized it would assist in making some projects as Christmas gifts. I have these ideas but until I get a clean space I wont be able to start them!

Today I went to see my holistic doctor/nutritionist...and I think I may be convinced hes a little hoxy. I forgot my supplements while we were on our weddingmoon, so only been taking my supplements for about 1.5 weeks now. And I ran out of one of them, so havent even been taking everything. Well I go back today, and he starts doing his acupressure thing, and hes like wow this last dose of supplements really worked! You dont need to take two of the five supplements anymore, and you went from a qty of 5 hypothalmax a day to just 1! And now Im in maintenance mode, and only need to come every quarter. Um...I still feel like crap, and I havent been taking my supplements...so how did I end up there?

I didnt make anything to take to Thanksgiving tomorrow, and dont really feel bad about it. We go to Grants aunts house, and her in laws are all there. They are this big Italian family, and lets be real....they have so much food already, and why would they want to eat something I make? LOL

See now wasnt this a bunch of late night ramblings? I guess Ill go to bed now..I can barely keep my eyes open. The weather has been so nice...this would have been a PERFECT year to run in the turkey trot! Coulda Shoulda Woulda, right?

Health Woes

2009-11-24T21:29:00.003-05:00

So its no secret that I have some pretty bad health problems. All which mostly steam from my thyroid disease. I have an autoimmune thyroid disease so my immune system isnt the strongest. Which results in getting sick quite often. Lately I dont think I have been taking good care of myself either. There are things I can do that will only help me, but lately I seem to do the exact opposite.

Before we left for the wedding I got a sinus infection. Im pretty sure it was from the crazy drinking at my bachelorette party, and being out in the rain with out a jacket didnt help. I got some antibiotics right away and was feeling better by the time we got to Florida. I was great all during Florida. I had one day where my stomach didnt cooperate. I have been known to have GI issues, but after going to a GI doctor they said it was related to my thyroid. I think its a little bit of both. The day we got back to Michigan I felt a sore throat, and sure enough when I woke up the next day I felt like crap. Sinus infection was back, sore throat, cough, chills, and sweats. It felt like the flu but without the vomiting. I went back to the doctor and got another round of antibiotics. It was a good week before I started feeling better. One day during that week I even starting vomiting. Nothing like taking off 2.5 weeks from work, and than coming back for a few days and calling in sick. What can you do though?

I started feeling better a few days ago, and now Im having some weird GI issues. Its around the same time every day for the last 3 days. I start getting a really bad headache, and than my stomach has sharp pains, and ends in diarrhea. (Sorry if thats TMI) I did take a pill for my back yesterday and some Excedrin migraine, and I wonder if I had some reaction to those....

Than again I get these symptoms when my thyroid levels drop extremely low. Which is a huge possibility that is what is happening now. I know my body, and can usually tell where my levels are based on my symptoms. I have really been trying to give Armour thyroid the benefit of the doubt for almost 9 months now...its not working. I know it has to do with the reformation of the pills that took place around April. My symptoms have really went crazy since than. I have my quarterly appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow so I think I may see if he will switch me back to the synthetic t3 and t4 meds. Those worked for me before, and right now I need something to make me feel better. The fatigue is unbearable.

You really dont realize how much you take your health for granted, until you have to deal with such extreme health issues. Most of the time I dont know if its thyroid related or mental health related. Given the last couples years Ive gone through, it could be a little bit of both. The symptoms are so common that its so hard to decipher.

I just want to feel better. Its so easy to fall into bad habits. But ultimately I control those habits, so I can only blame myself for making me feeling even worse than I already do. They thyroid disease doesn't need any help with more negative symptoms! So enough is enough. I owe it to my health to make smart, healthy, positive choices. Even though some of those choices may seem small to me, every little action helps.

In the meantime, I will continue to self manage my thyroid disease. I am on the look now for another endocrinologist. One that takes time with their patients, and LISTENS. I will continue to see my nutritionist/holistic doctor. And most of all continue to keep researching! Im going on 3 years now battling my thyroid....Im not giving up now!

Lazy Sunday, Fun Times, and Annoying Cold

2009-11-22T12:49:00.005-05:00

With the wedding over it really does feel like a lazy Sunday. Still things to do but not the rush, rush, rush...we dont have enough hours in the day feeling. The doggies or should I say, Bandito let us sleep in till noon. That was nice. I decided to get up and Grant is sleeping a bit longer. We didnt get to bed till around 3:30ish.

Ill probably get around to the laundry, work on my resume for a bit (applying for a new position at work), catch up on some Tivo, and maybe read a bit (really digging the book I started last week!). Besides that nothing to much on the agenda. That sounds like a perfect lazy day eh? Wish I was back in Florida laying on a hammock though. That would be a perfect lazy Sunday!

Ive been battling this cold since we got back in town, and Im so over it. Seriously. We went out for a friends birthday last night, and not sure that was the best idea for me. My cough seems to have gotten worse. Bleh. We did have a lot of fun though. We had dinner in Mexicantown, and than headed out to a night of great music. It was a mixture of different genres. First we heard a band, New Music Detroit. They only played for about 20 minutes, but a guy was killing it on the xylophone. It was cool. Next up was Will Sessions Funk Big Band, this band was awesome. It was funk big band, and while Im not a huge fan of funk...I am of big band. And the combo together was really awesome. They played so many different instruments, and I loved it! I would definitely see them again. Than Carl Craig dj'd, and rocked it out as always. Loved the diverse type of music, and a much needed night out for Grant and I. We were getting antsy for some good music since we have been on vacation, and went to a doosy of a party last weekend. The minute that bass vibrated the floor when Carl Craig went on I remembered why we love Detroit so much. We have great music here, oh yes we do. We danced, danced, and danced some more. I dont think I sweated like that from dancing in quite some time!

Looking forward to a short week, which is kind of silly since we just had 19 days off. Getting back into a routine has been quite tough!

Mrs. Goulet !!!

2009-11-15T21:46:00.004-05:00

So here I sit on a Sunday night preparing myself to go back to work tomorrow. I have had the last 19 days off. Talk about a vacation eh? As I think about those last 19 days, it was such an amazing experience. It was like an emotional roller coaster. Not the kind of emotional roller coaster I have gone through so many time in the last few years, that took me very high and way down low. But more like a roller coaster filled with so many different levels of emotions that I never knew existed. People were not kidding when they say it goes by so fast. It was like lightening. That's the part that makes me sad!

I checked my work email earlier and sorted through some of the emails. It wasnt to bad actually. I think it will lessen the overwhelming feelings when I go back tomorrow. Im sure Ill get a little cranky without my nap to. LOL 8 hours is a lot longer than you think!

Coming back to reality is a hard transition. It definitely heightens those post wedding blues. Im sure after getting back into a routine, and refocusing on whats next to look forward to, things will feel normal again. :)

Its fun to just say things to Grant and end it with husband. It makes me giggle. Husband. Tee Hee.

Bridal Look Confusion

2009-10-18T21:40:00.006-04:00

Shoes, jewelry, dress, hair, makeup, oh my! Seriously its giving me a headache. I have had the worse dress drama with this wedding. But I think Ive finally found thee dress, so now Im on the hunt to finish the look. Who would of thought it would be so hard?

Of course its hard...I can barely put a look together for my day to day life. Im a great candidate for What Not To Wear. Seriously.

The dress I had to emergency order at the last minute should be arriving tomorrow. I feel confident that this is the dress, Ill save that story for another day. Id talk about the dress a bit, but afraid Grant might read this. Although I think he fell upon the dress today, even though he says all he knows it is tea length. He may be telling me that so I dont have a spaz moment. I thought the shoes were a task..but it turns out EVERYTHING is quite the task!

Lets talk shoes first....my dress is ivory...with possibly a little bit of light pink. Now here is the trick part. The property is mostly sand, but the ceremony is in a pergola with a brick path. So technically I could get away with heels. But wedges would probably be ideal. Well I thought either silver or white wedges. Very hard to find. Especially white wedges that arent cork. Ive found about 4 that Im picking from...and with the time constrait I need to make a decision quick. These are what Ive found...

Than there are one pair that I love that is not a wedge, that Im talking myself into. LOL

So Ive been consumed with dress and shoe decisions....I havent even thought about jewelry. The dress has a weird neckline so I think I can get away with no necklace. But earrings would be good. Maybe a bracelet, but I dont want overkill. I love pearls, so have started to look at earrings with pearls. Maybe a pearl cuff bracelet....Im so confused. I also dont really know the difference between elegant and gauty to. LOL Heres a few I like...

Than hair...do I put an accessory in my hair? I havent decided fully on a hairstyle yet. I wanted to go half up half down, so a flower might go good. Or maybe some sort of pin. Im not wearing a veil...so Im thinking something should go in my hair. Maybe something like these...

See all these things dont seem like they go together. Not to mention do these go with a seashell bouquet? Does it even matter? Wouldnt you hate to be my brain these days? It hurts. LOL I think Ill give it a break and call it a night.

P.S. We leave in 10 days!!!!!!

Geez let me remove the dust off this blog!

2009-10-12T21:44:00.004-04:00

Kind of ridiculous how long its been since I blogged. 2 months.....pure laziness. Its not like I havent had things to talk about! Well dusting it off and more frequent blogging to come. Pinky swear ;)

Wedding Invites - DIY Pocketfolds

2009-08-09T00:59:00.005-04:00

I LOVE our wedding invites!!!!! Grant and I decided that we wanted to do as much DIYing to our wedding as we could. One to save money for our super tight budget. And two - to give everything our special touch :)

So the wedding invites definitely were going to be DIY. We did get some help with the supplies though, so its not 100% hardcore DIY. We used the website, www.cardsandpockets.com, who I HIGHLY recommend. We bought 20 sets of the invites. That set included the pocketfold, invitation card stock, invitation mat card stock, 2 precut card stock inserts, RSVP card, RSVP envelope, and mailing envelope. They have a ton of colors to chose from. They offer samples to which is nice. So before you place a big order you can order the samples, either in the actual product or just small cardstock samples to see if the color is what your looking for or size. So after ordering what seemed like 20 samples, we decided on our color selection.

While we waited for our shipment to come in we started working on the invitation. We weren't really sure what we wanted to go with. Palm trees, star fish, etc. We loved how we designed our website, so we went with that same theme. It worked out perfect! The more we hashed out the details the more excited we got. Dont you love how those small details really pull everything together? We than worked on the inserts. First up was the map. I spent a good 4 hours working on that thing in PowerPoint! After slaving on it I realized it was to big, so we had to adjust. That always happens to me though! The wedding details insert was easier, just text mostly. The last thing was the RSVP. We were debating between a mad libs RSVP or not. We thought some people might get confused so we did more along the norm.

We bought the inserts precut. But they sell them uncut and its a little bit cheaper. Being perfectionist we thought it was better to get them precut. ;) We did have to trim the map insert so we could get the staggered look in the pocketfold. But that was a simple cut. Besides that nothing in the invite needed any additional cutting. Dont worry I didnt get off that easy as you will see as you read on. Ha!

The most tedious part was probably the belly band and monogram. I found our ribbon at JoAnns. I wanted something with a design vs the solid color ribbon, and found the perfect retro-like design ribbon. While at JoAnns I also picked up some card stock for the monograms, and monogram mat. Being cohesive, we designed the monogram to match the website. All the text on our website are in billboard like signs, so we made the monogram a sign to. We were able to print out a ton of monograms out on one sheet of card stock, and than I just cut them up with my handy dandy cutterbee trimmer. I was also able to cut the mats for the monogram out of one sheet of card stock, which I used my lovely trimmer again. This is when the perfectionist in me worked against me! I cut probably three times than I needed to so I could find the best 20 to use. LOL When I was finally satisfied I started to put everything together. I used scrapbooking adhesive which was much easier than glue. Soooo happy with the finish product. Check it out (warning my pictures suck! I couldnt get the lighting right) :

We ran into one big snafu. We printed them at home on our inkjet printer. We weren't sure how that would work but it actually printed them quite nicely. But our printer does not print borderless on custom sized paper. So everything was printing out with this weird border. We just readjusted the design and created a brown border on everything. I actually liked it better. It really brings everything together nicely. The pocketfold is a tight fit so we couldnt mat the inserts (which is what my original vision was), so it all worked out in the end.

I went back and forth on the addressing of the envelopes to. I know there's all these etiquette rules, but honestly we arent really paying attention to them. The envelopes we got had this shimmer to them so I wasnt sure how the handwriting would look. So we ended up doing labels. We created the brown border on the labels to give it an extra special touch. The problem with that was our inkjet printer again...the ink easily smeared. I learned that after about 5 labels. So I had to peel the labels off carefully, and stick them on the envelopes holding on to only the sticky part. Than I smoothed them out with a blank sheet of paper. That effort had to be as good as handwriting didnt it? :) That printer rocks, we didnt even have to refill any of the ink!

Get this....the cost per invite came out to $3.11! Not bad at all! Especially since the cheapest invites we priced were $6-$7 each!

After we finished I sort of wished we would of went with a more daring pocketfold color. Like the orange or green. Besides that one small regret, Im soooooo happy with the outcome! And cant wait to work on our next project :)

P.S. Of course we have a mock up invite done in photoshop that I also have to share. This will help you see the invite in better details, since my pictures are so crappy! Once you click on the link, than click on the image and it will enlarge. :)

http://melissaandgrant.com/images/invitation.jpg

Super Successful lia sophia Fundraiser!

2009-08-02T00:08:00.002-04:00

One of the reasons I became a lia sophia advisor was to offer fundraisers, especially to Breast Cancer 3 Day walkers. Being a participant myself I know how difficult it can be to raise $2k+, so I love to help people when I can. Since Im not walking this year I was hoping that I could help another walker by hosting a lia sophia fundraiser for them. And I got that chance this past Thursday :)

Sheri is a friend I met through the Pink Ladies. She has two friends that are walking this year with their daughters. That is $9200 they have to raise! Sheri contacted me and asked if I was interested in doing a lia sophia fundraiser for her friends. Of course I was! Debbie, the host of the party was great. She really knows how to throw a party. We never got a final headcount, but it was close to 50+ people there. In the end I had about 30 orders. I have to admit it was a little overwhelming, but exciting at the same time. It felt good to be in the presence of 3dayers. Ive missed it!

Ive never done a fundraiser or party that big yet, so now I have the experience under my belt. I'd bring a assistant next time, so the orders can get written up faster. And so I have time to talk more to the guests and tell them about the great benefits of lia sophia. I didnt really get a chance to talk to anyone really!

Total in sales: $2280!!!! How awesome is that?! When I do fundraisers I donate my entire commission, which is 30%. Im rounding up so she made $700! Not to shabby for a few hour party. Also, another benefit I do with my fundraisers is anyone that books from the fundraiser show I will donate 10% of that future shows sales as well. She got 2 bookings so she will be getting even more money donated.

Not being able to walk this year I was so glad I could help another walker out :) There was also a Partylite Consultant at the party, so I think with my commission and hers that will put these girls over their minimum to raise. Awesome!

Cant wait to cheer them on in a few weeks on the Breast Cancer 3 Day!

Could Iodine Be My Missing Link?

2009-07-28T21:09:00.005-04:00

So Ive talked about many thyroid issues a few times in here. Its been an ongoing issue since 2006 when I was diagnosed with Graves disease. If I only knew what I know now....I would of never had the radioactive iodine treatment. But whats done is done. So I have been on the quest to feeling better since than. Its been a tough road and Im no where near feeling better.

Ive been on armour thyroid since March. Armour thyroid is a desiccated thyroid brand. It contains the same thyroid hormones as our bodies, and provides T4, T3, T2, T1 and calcitonin. The T4 is the storage hormone, T3 is the active, energy-giving hormone, and both are found in a 80/20 ratio in each 60 mg of desiccated thyroid. The T2, T1 and calcitonin are not measured, but it’s there, according to Forest Labs, the makers of Armour. Ive been on Armour since March. I felt a little bit of a change, and than right around Memorial Day I started to take a turn downwards again. Gaining more weight, dry skin, depression, fatigue, and muscle aches. I also started getting a really bad case of hives. And still do get the hives from time to time.

I was reading online that Armour has been reformulated, and lots of patients who never had problems on Armour before are having extreme issues. As I researched further I also read that some people were possibly allergic to the fillers which would explain my hives. I recently saw my endocrinologist and told him what I had found in my research and he blew me off. That was after waiting 2 hours in his office to see him. My TSH level was high so he increased my armour and told me to go see an allergist about the hives. He said to look on the bright side...at least my symptoms arent as worse than when I first came to see him. I just looked at him with a blank stare. The symptoms are worse. Ive never felt depression as bad as I feel it right now. It has to be related! I read about a woman online that was on steroids for the hives outbreak due to the armour, and than the steroids made her so depressed on top of the side effect of depression from the new forumulated Armour that she had to get put on antidepressants for that! Thats just insane!

Meanwhile I went to see my other doctor, hes a nutritionist and practices acupressure. I started seeing him about 2.5 months ago. This doctor listens to me. Explains things to me. And the things he says, make sense! He determined that my adrenals were in bad shape, so he has me on Drenamin and a B12 supplement. When I went in to see him shortly after my visit with my endocrinologist, I explained the same thing to him. How awful I felt, so out of control. And the research I found. He assured me Im definitely on to something. Than he brought up the subject of iodine. Ive read many books on taking iodine as a supplement, but had not found a doctor that agreed with me and would suggest a supplement. Basically your adrenal glands is a backup to your thyroid, so when you thyroid isnt working (like mine), than your adrenals go into overdrive. After working so much in overdrive they basically are way to exhausted to do what they are suppose to do. They still work but they are very weak.

Lets see if I can explain this right (with the help with some trusty websites of course ;)) .....he did acupressure around my thyroid and adrenals while laying down and they were somewhat strong. Than he had me stand up and jog in place for 5 minutes and than lay down and did acupressure again and it was completely weak. Since I have fatigued adrenals, doing any high intensity exercise is causing more stress on them. So I could be doing more harm to myself by running, cycling, kickboxing, etc. Which could explain why I can not lose weight. Its more recommended to do a brisk walk, yoga, and light strength training (not lifting more than 60 seconds and taking one minute rests in between sets). Im doing more research on this to find out what I should be doing....I dont want to try to take the easy way out.

Besides my adrenal fatigued, he also thinks I have a high iodine deficiency. These two things could be the missing links to our puzzle. Iodine is an essential element that enables the thyroid gland to produce thyroid hormones. Three iodine molecules are added to make T3 and four for T4... the two key hormones produced by the thyroid gland -- so iodine is essential to the production of these two hormones of the master gland of metabolism. One needs the proper amount of iodine for optimal thyroid function. Also, iodine is the main component of thyroxine, the thyroid component which controls metabolism. As metabolic rate controls the amount of "fuel" burned by the body for energy, iodine deficiency can result in a decreased metabolic rate, so we need to take an iodine supplement.

So now Im taking an iodine supplement as well. Ive only been taking it for a few days now, but I go back to see him next week. He said I should feel something by than. If not than we will see what else might be wrong. I love this doctor. I truly feel like he cares about how I feel, not what some test says. So now Im on a search for another new endocrinologist. No more 2 hours in the waiting room to see the doctor for 5 minutes. And than have him think its all in my head. Im over it! The more research I do the more these things seem to be right on. Im not getting to excited yet, but am remaining hopeful.

Credit to these awesome websites: www.thyroid.about.com & www.stopthethyroidmadness.com

Acceptance - HYC

2009-07-21T21:11:00.009-04:00

So I have come to realize that in the next 3 months I am going to have to learn to accept myself physically for who I am right now. I truly believe that my health is holding me back from having the body I long to have. Although that does sound a little superficial. Its suppose to be about health first, right?

I have been working out for 4-6 days a week for the last month now. I have lost zero pounds. I have lost zero inches. My eating isnt perfect, but it isnt horrible either. For someone working out that much I would think that eating with a few mishaps would be okay. I have been seeing a holistic doctor in addition to my endocrinologist since the beginning of May. I know its a slow process to feeling better but Im not feeling any different. Im still exhausted. Im still fatigued. I simply can not lose any weight.

Do I feel more fit? Yes. Do I feel like Im getting stronger? Yes. So why cant I be happy with that? How come every time I see myself in pictures I get depressed? I avoid pictures at any cost. Which might be difficult to do on my wedding day.....

So I need to love myself. Inside and out. I know theres a 99% chance that I will have the body that I have now on my wedding day. While thats sad, its something I have to deal with. And not let it consume me. I have to accept it. I just keep remembering that first time I tried on my dress. I was maybe 10lbs lighter than I am now, but I can honestly say when I saw myself in the mirror I didnt see the image that I see in pictures now. I truly did feel beautiful. Ill pull out those pictures every now and than (ok maybe more than that. ;p) and I still feel beautiful. I should be happy with that. And I have to keep that in mind.

I need to turn my focus. Maybe focus on weight lifting a bit more. Buff up my arms, shoulder, and back. Accentuate the body parts that my beautiful dress shows off! It doesnt matter what size I am...it matters what the day is about. And that is marrying the man I love. And he has always loved me unconditionally, no matter what size I am. One of the many reasons I love him!

With all that being said, it still is difficult getting to that acceptance point. But I owe it to myself to get to that point!

Not At All What I Expected....

2009-07-19T21:42:00.005-04:00

wedding planning. I went to a bridal shower yesterday. Ive been friends with this girl for a few years now, and Im really happy for the couple. They both are such great people. But going to the bridal shower feels like it wasnt the best choice for me right now.Than again its never the right time for me these days.

As I sat at the bridal shower and watched the interactions between everyone I felt a void. I don't have that. I dont have an excited family to plan with. I don't have a mother to help plan the most amazing day of my life. And I definitely don't have a father who gushes over walking his daughter down the isle. While I have many friends, I certainly dont have that best friend to vent to when I need to. It makes me very sad. I know I need to stop thinking of what I dont have and focus on what I do have. But its hard. Very hard.

Wedding planning has been a extreme emotional roller coaster ride for me. Im so excited and happy to be marrying the man I love so much. But maybe I was expecting I would feel differently. More happy. More excited. More positive. But its the opposite. I often feel sad. I avoid wedding planning as much as possible because its just not what I expected. I have 3.5 months till the wedding and have very limited things done. Anytime I start something I get sad.

Im so angry that my life is where it is right now. What did I do to deserve this? Why am I here? Why didnt I stick to eloping? Instead Im hosting events that I think are going to make me more sad than happy.

Is not at all what I expected. Not one bit. Its lonely. Very lonely.

Derailing Is Not Acceptable - HYC

2009-07-14T20:47:00.005-04:00

So its weeks like this that could derail me. I'm very good at the derail game. All or nothing. I use to be good at letting derailing win...and now Im trying to focus on beating the derail.

First it started on Sunday. I slept in till noon from staying out late the night before, and than worked on homework literally the rest of the day. No run. I did go to the gym Monday but had the most crappy workout ever. Today I was blessed with my that dreaded friend of the month, and feel like complete crap. Cramps galore. Migraine Headache. Cravings like you wouldnt believe. I decided to take the day off. Took a nap when I got home, did some housework, and than watched some TV. Ill get back at things tomorrow. Normally this type of start to a week would lead me into a careless attitude. Not to mention Im pretty busy the rest of the week. Lia Sophia show on Thursday, Kid Rock concert on Friday, and a bridal shower on Saturday. Those would be GREAT excuses for me to not workout.

Nope we arent playing that game. I decided to take today off and today only. I can fit in workouts on those other days, except for maybe Thursday. Even than I can throw in a 20 minute Jillian workout, or go for a walk on my lunch break. Its doable, and I will make it work!

I also noticed that Im sort of making the same decisions with my food. I have been consistently working out for a few weeks now. So Ive been trying to pay attention to my food a little bit more. I try to at least make 2 out of 3 meals healthy ones. When Im picking out snacks I really think about them, and not grab for the sugar right away. We shall see how it plays out in a few weeks. All I can keep doing is moving forward and trying. Ill have bad days, but thats normal. Like today, I caved into PB twix and 2 Pepsis. But than I had a healthy dinner after that. Its all about choices. Not letting one bad move mess up the rest of the day.

Im just checking that fatitude at the door! Keeping a positive outlook, focusing on what I can do...not what I cant do, and seeing every "mistake" as an learning opportunity.

Lets see what this week shall bring :)

Operation Beautiful

2009-07-10T23:49:00.008-04:00

I fell upon one of the most awesome sites while browsing blogs linked to blogs upon blogs the other day. Of course I have to share it!

Operation Beautiful - Ending Fat Talk One Anonymous Post-It At A Time!

We all do it. Fat Talk. Negative Talk. Get down on ourselves. Operation Beautiful has a mission of ending this negative talk by giving random acts of kindness. One of my favorite things to do!

The amazing person that started this wonderful venture is Caitlin. Her original mission was to put an end to Fat Talk, and encourage a positive body image. She has a whole page she blogged on how fat talk is so toxic to us, which can be found here. While starting this journey to end fat talk Caitlin fell upon the Gives Me Hope website. (Which by the way is another amazing website!And in my daily blogs to read :) ) It inspired her to start her own project which is where Operation Beautiful became a reality.

We can all join in on Operation Beautiful, it is very simple. You only need paper and pen. Just write a positive message on a post it and stick it in any public place you want. On bathroom mirrors, work, gym, grocery store, literally anywhere! Make sure you add the www.operationbeautiful.com at the bottom of your post it so even more people can find the website! If you take a picture of your random act of kindness, you can email it to Caitlin (seebriderun@gmail.com) and she features them on her blog. I religiously read the blog everyday now. Its the perfect way to start my day. :)

Seriously when I fell upon this I got the warm fuzzies inside. This reminds me of the Breast Cancer 3 Day. The 3 Day in my eyes is 3 days on how the world should be. The kindness, the huge hearts of people, the positivity, the support....its all so amazing. Big kudos to Caitlin for starting a project that screams so much positivity, and has endless opportunities in how it affects many people! I can not wait to start leaving my own notes and be part of such an amazing project!

One of my Ah-ha! Moments - HYC

2009-07-07T21:41:00.006-04:00

So you know how you hear a saying a thousand times, but that one time you hear it it finally makes you go, Ah-ha! Dont you love those moments? I think you hear sayings over and over, and sometimes it just sounds like a broken record. You just dont see any meaning to it. But its that one specific time and place that makes that one saying speak to you in a totally different light. I had an ah-ha moment last week. It happened in cycling class.

I was a little nervous since I had not been to cycling class in a few weeks...actually over a month. As we were warming up the instructor said, Surprise! Its interval day. I thought to myself what did I get myself into?! And than he said, to finish off this great workout we will do a 13 minute hill climb standing up. I thought to myself, I hope I just make it the whole 60 minutes! Little did I know would I not only make it 60 minutes, but this workout was just what I needed

I love cycling class. It is the one workout where I feel like I push no matter what. No matter what is on my mind, or what happened earlier that day, or what mind frame Im in...I still push. Its like the one workout class where I literally let all my worries go and get lost in the class. Running is so opposite than that. I can say sometimes when Im done running I do get that great feeling that I consistently get during cycling class, but its not every time. Running is a much more love/hate relationship. Now cycling class is love only. (Sorry running! I still love you!) Everything about the class I love to pieces. The one awesome thing that always sticks out in my mind is that I feel like Im sweating out all those toxins in my body. And boy do I have toxins! When Im done I feel so refreshed and rejuvenated. This time was no different. The feeling came back so quickly, and I thought to myself you need to put cycling higher on your priority list! Oh how Ive missed you!

The intervals went well. Much better than I expected. Why are intervals in cycling so much nicer to me than intervals running? I think its having that bike underneath me or something...I feel more in control or something. Anyhoo....so as we were rounding the last half of the workout we landed into the last 13 minutes. Its all or nothing I thought to myself. Up the resistance went, and up on the bike I went. Our instructor tries to stay quiet so we can all have our zen place. Its a little hard for him but he does a good job. lol And he picks the most perfect music! Which also makes finding your zen a little bit easier. So after a minute or so I found that zen. As hard as your working, it feels just as relaxing as yoga. As strange as that sounds. The instructor told us to push our resistance up a bit, and when I did that I started to feel the intensity at a whole new level. I started to lose focus for a minute and than he said in a very loud, firm voice. YOU ARE IN CONTROL! THE HILL DOES NOT CONTROL YOU! YOU CONTROL THE HILL! That kept replaying through my head as I pushed out those last 5 minutes. When I was done....I pretty much had the cycling high. Does that happen or did I make that up? Anyways I felt fanfuckingtastic!

So as I carried out the rest of my week, whether it was a work stress situation, a workout I was trying to avoid, or even when making some of my food choices.....that saying replayed in my head again. You are in control! I found an ah-ha! moment. Dont you love those? I havent had one of those in a long time, so I got really geeked over it :) You are in control....such a simple phrase, yet it never really struck a cord with me before. Seriously, I control all my actions. I determine my fate. Im in control!

So glad I went to that cycling class. Another reason I need to go to class more often!

Selective Friendships

2009-07-04T00:23:00.002-04:00

Remember when you were younger and friendships were just so much easier? You really had no worries, and knew you would be best friends for the rest of your lives. If we only knew than what we know now.

Recently I ended a friendship. A fairly new friendship, it was not even a year old. It had more ups and downs than I cared to ride out. And when the ride was up, it was great! But when it was down, it was way the fuck down there. Its always sad when you lose a friendship, even if it was an unhealthy one. I know it was the right thing to do, and feel good with my decision. But at the same time still stop to think to myself, why do I find myself in so many "toxic" friendships? Am I the problem? Do I get drawn into these type of friendships for a reason? It really puts me back into a evaluating me stage. Wondering what I could do differently to find the friendships I desire to have.

Going through this situation did make me realize something. I have grown. Although I did see the signs that this friendship wasn't working a few months ago, I did finally know when it was time to step away. Previously I would of engrossed myself in the unhealthiness that it was causing, and clung on to it for dear life. I have longed to find strong, close friendships for quite sometime. Ever since I lost the friendship of one of my dearest friends from my childhood. I haven't necessarily tried to replace her, but have longed to have a friendship that was like ours. Ive come to realize that probably will never happen, and am okay with that. Finally. It only took about 5 years. In previous years I would find myself settling for friends. Settling with the drama, cattiness, bullshit..whatever you want to call it. I would do that just to have a friendship. A friendship that I thought was what I wanted, but it would turn out that it was completely different than what I thought it was. Its like I would have this distorted vision of it, because I wanted the friendship so bad. Denial? Naive? Who knows. But this time I said enough is enough. I knew after going through those down stages...this is so not worth it. Life is way to short to mend things that are meant to be mended. I've really been trying to live my life in a more positive way. And this friendship was pulling me in the opposite direction. I was being derailed. Derailed from the person I want to be. And involved in a cattiness level I didn't even know existed! Im glad I finally was able to come back to reality and see it for what it was.

I have met many friends through this person, and thought this sucks to lose all those friendships. Its been so fun getting to know these girls over the last year, and I look forward to lasting friendships with them. But at the same time my sanity, and mental health comes first. I cant continue down this unhealthy "friendship" path I'm on. If those people I met are my friends, they will still be my friends. Regardless what happens between this other person and I. Actually this is a great opportunity for me to work on my qualities of being a friend. Reaching out and keeping in touch with them. Something that has been a weakness of mine for quite sometime.

And ironically since Ive ended that other friendship, I have had a chance to get together with those other friends more often than I did before. We always hung out in a group, so we just used that time to hang out. When your in a group its defintely fun times. But you don't really get to know each person on a more personal level. Now I'm getting that opportunity, and its great. Not having the extra stress from trying to make a friendship work that clearly wasn't working feels great to. I feel good about the growth I continue to make as a person. I am beginning to understand who I am, what I want, and carry that out. That feels really empowering.

Fresh Start

2009-07-01T21:09:00.006-04:00

Something about the first of the month I just love. Its like a new beginning, a fresh start. Wipe that slate clean, and try to make this month better than the last. At least that is how I like my outlook to be.

Unfortunately this morning I didnt have that positive attitude. I defintely woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I attempted to go to bed early last night since Ive been so exhausted. After about 30 minutes I was woken up by fireworks. It sounded like they were being lit off my roof. Well they pretty much were. See I live in a pretty ghetto area. I hate it. But its where I live so I deal. And we are pretty much stuck here due to the economy so we try to make the best of it. Until shit like this happens, than I start to get really pissed off. The house next door to us was foreclosed years ago. And its been empty. For a LONG time. It has given us so many issues, especially one disgusting one in particular. We have dealt with many mice issues due to this. Many, many mice issues. It grosses me out thinking about it again. So when someone bought it I was pretty excited that finally the property was going to be cared for. Well the city forced them to tear the house down. And of course they are not rebuilding. So its just a vacant lot now. Lovely. A vacant lot that 10 neighborhood kids think is their playground, and love to bring in all kinds of shovels and dig up holes. But thats a story for another day.

So last night my lovely neighbors thought it was a grand idea to use the vacant lot to light off these huge fireworks. That started around 10pm and lasted for over an hour. The fireworks were pretty much being shot over our house. Dont these idiots realize they are lighting off fireworks in a weed infested lot and theres a good chance a fire would happen? These houses are to close to be lighting off those big fireworks! Nope, not them. They were tailgating, and having a good ol time. No one on my street would have the sense to think...oh people might have to work tomorrow, maybe we should wait till Friday. If they worked maybe they would understand. But yeah your not finding people like that in this neighborhood. You know people with COMMON SENSE! ARGH!

So as you can image I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tired and cranky. So I was in a foul mood most of the day. I still packed my gym bag this morning, and planned on hitting the gym since I hadnt in the last two days. As the day progressed I thought...I should just go home, and veg. But I didnt. I knew my mood needed some brightening up. I made it to the gym after work, and started in on my 2.5 mile scheduled run. It was not a pretty sight. Struggles through the whole thing. But I worked through it. And through those awful side stitches. Even after taking a walking break for those things, I would usually just stop, but I finished out my last half mile with running. Go me :) I did feel great afterwards. To bad I ruined it with what I ate for dinner. oy! We will focus on the gym part for now :)

So yes, new month. New goals. New beginnings. Fresh Start. July is going to be a good month. I can feel it.

One Focus For Now - HYC

2009-06-30T20:35:00.004-04:00

So I havent checked in with the Healthy You Challenge in quite sometime. Its way overdue. Sadly I dont have any progress to really report. I just keep playing this game with myself, and I dont know why. I can say Im going to make a change, but I find something to hold me back. Sometimes I think I dont deserve it.

But I do deserve it. So what I did decide was to focus on one thing, and that was going to be running. I know Ill see improvements with running, and I know seeing progress is what I need. I really loved the way I felt when I was running before, and often long for that feeling. Im only into my second week on this "change". But Im happy to report I stuck to my 3 days of running, and also did 2 days of cross training. I want to minimum run 3 days a week. I figure that I can stick to, and everything else is a bonus. We all have to start somewhere.

I did notice last week what works gym wise for me. I wasnt carpooling because we had to take furlough weeks, so I packed my gym bag everyday and went directly to the gym after work. Only one day did I really have to force myself, kicking and screaming, to go there. And I always felt fantastic afterwards. Now when I carpool this does make going directly to the gym from work a little bit more difficult. But I have to make it work. Recently, Ive found myself hitting a rut of depression, and exercise is essential when Im like this. It really does help my mood. I have to just keep that in mind.

Ive seen a lot of pictures of myself lately, and am disgusted on who I see. I dont see myself as that person in the photos. Especially when Im running. I do feel somewhat fit, but look so unfit. Its depressing. I know my food is to blame. I can not get it under control. I figure Ill stick to my workout goals for now, and than slowly work on my food issues.

So yeah thats it in a nutshell. Consistenty with running. That I can do.

How Michael Jacksons death has affected me

2009-06-28T21:27:00.005-04:00

This post is probably going to be deep, just as an FYI. Also a side note: I never know if Im using the right word: affect vs effect......

When I heard of MJ's death I was shocked, as Im sure most of us were. Im a huge MJ fan, regardless of who he has become. I was sadden to hear the news, and that was all it was. Until I had time to digest it to another level. On Friday I went to the gym after work (kicking and screaming I might add, but knew it would help my mood) and every TV had coverage on MJ's death. So as I working out I couldnt help but be sucked into the TV's reading all the captions.

One thing in particular that gave me chills was the 911 call. As most of you that read this blog probably know, my dad passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack a little over a year ago. Suddenly I started to have flashbacks of that dreadful morning. The call I received from my mom with her screaming that he wasnt breathing. Driving 100 mph down the freeway to get to their house. And than the call I got from my sister telling me he was gone.

As I was walking out of the gym (and had all these horrid memories flashing in my head) I saw an elderly man coming into the gym for his own workout. My dad was 69 when he passed. He was older than most people my age dads are. So whenever I see elderly people I get sad. Very sad. And mad. It reminds me of him, and than reminds me that hes gone and wont really reach that grandpa age for my children. Its weird. But I know its part of grieving. So as I looked at that man I got really sad. I wanted to go up to him and hug him. Of course just for me to feel better. I wondered if he has family that appreciates him. I always wonder that when I see an elderly person. The other day I was driving and a guy in the car behind me had what looked like his grandpa in the car, or it may have been his dad. He sat on his cell phone talking, and I saw the elderly man look over at him a few times, and than turn to look out the window. I know Im probably assuming things, but I thought, dude get off the phone! And enjoy the time you have with him. It may have not even been that scenario but those are things that cross my mind often. Sorry got off on a tangent there. So I thought about that elderly man in the gym as I walked to my car. Before I got to my car I already had tears in my eyes. I sobbed all the way home. I miss him so much it hurts. I havent had a cry in awhile so it was probably due.

Now on the other end of the spectrum....the rest of the night I replayed that horrible day in my head. I couldnt stop it. Than as I hear and read peoples reactions about Michael Jackson I also got overwhelmed with emotions. Angry, sad, mad, etc. My opinion on MJ is probably not as popular as most. I truly believe his growth was stunted. He thought he was a child. The things he did was strange, yes, but could he really help it? My mom has that same mentality. Some of her actions are absolutely ridlicious, but her brain is that of a child. And she cant help the actions she does. To an extent of course. Michael Jackson reminds me of my mother. Which I never linked those two before......

As you all know also from reading my blog, Im estranged from my mom because of the actions she did after my dads passing. So than I sat there and thought of my current relationship with my mother, and how maybe what Im doing is wrong. Cutting her out of my life may not be the best solution. Could she truly feel the way MJ felt...stuck in this painful life? The only difference is that I know she is happy with her life right now, at least certain aspects of it. She remarried, still has her same friends, and really has just continued her life the same but with a different man. Someone in only pain I dont think could do that. But I do walk on eggshells around her because of how she might react. Which I feel might be the case of people in MJ's life. I recently mailed her a letter asking her to continue to give me my distance, stop calling me at work, and I would contact her when I was ready. Personally, I have no idea when that would be. I was very careful with my words because I was literally afraid she might harm herself if she interpret my words wrong. As in commit suicide. Is that absolutely insane? Or a little egotistical of me? Probably not since at one time after my dad passed she was throwing herself around telling me that she knows I wish she would of died instead of him, and maybe that would come true one day. I really dont know if shes talk or not, and would not like to press those buttons to find out. So I walk on eggshells. Which in the end really hurts me, and stalls me from healing.

So am I suppose to be the bigger person? Since my mom isnt strong and mentally healthy, and I am. Am I suppose to just suck it up. Let it go. No matter what she does? Just because I know better and she doesnt. How many scenarios have to happen that I have to keep doing that? Especially when it threatens my own sanity? What if one day she is just where MJ is now, and I look back and think...you should of done something Melissa. You were the healthy one. Not her. But can I live my life like that? Do I live my life at the expense of pain, stress, anxiety, and sanity? Its such a thin line that I dont know which side is right and which side is wrong.

Im not sure where Im going with this. I just needed to get this out. But I never expected a celebrity death to bring on so many emotions about the current state of my life. With that being said, RIP MJ, RIP. You were a pure genius, and I hope that you are at peace now.

Some Holidays Will Just Be Sad

2009-06-21T21:15:00.005-04:00

So this will be the second Fathers Day without my dad, and while life does seem a bit more manageable now....I don't think holidays like this will ever get easier. When I woke up this morning I was feeling okay, but than shortly after a dark cloud sort of hoovered over me. Grant was going to his aunts for a Fathers Day BBQ, but I decided I kind of just wanted to stay home and let today be a depressed day. Sad I know. But sometimes I just need those kind of days. As long as its just for the day, or a short period of time, and I don't let it turn into weeks. That is when it becomes unhealthy.

I also feel a lot of guilt. I do have one parent still alive, one that does want a relationship with me. And I push that away. For my own sanity. But still part of that makes me feel guilty. I know Im making the right decision, but I think its probably only normal to have these feelings. Still doesnt make it any easier. Ive been trying to talk about this with some friends, but these friends have really good relationships with their moms or daughters...so it doesnt always go so well. Which causes more regret in the end.

I was able to buy Grant a few Fathers day cards yesterday which I wasnt sure how that would go. I handle the trip pretty good for the most part. I was able to move past the daughter father day cards, over to the husband and from the dog cards. Than a few minutes later someone opened one of those musical cards that was playing a Johnny Cash song. My dad loved Johnny Cash. And even use to sing this song when ever we would be four wheeling when I was a kid. A few tears fell, but than I was able to pull it back together. I guess I am healing, although sometimes it doesnt feel like it.

Im glad tomorrow is a new day. And Im back to work, so making money and getting into a schedule is definitely a good thing.

Missing Pieces

2009-06-18T23:37:00.004-04:00

So summer is here, which is a great thing. But lately Ive been feeling a little lost. Usually every summer Im so busy with training and fundraising for the Breast Cancer 3 Day. Now this summer Im just as equally busy with summer school, work, and wedding planning. But I still feel this void. This huge sadness. I miss the 3 Day!

I miss cramming in all those training walks. In the sticky, humid, heat. Especially the chats that go along with those walks. Jen and I barely see each other now! It was like my everyday therapy session with her. I miss that excitement I get leading up to the week of the event. Finding out opening and closing ceremonies. Going through the check in process online. Preparing for the event by making tshirts, and finding pink fluffy things to accessorize in. I miss the scrambling around to put on one last fundraiser event to meet my goal. Packing and repacking my bag to make sure its at the weight limit. Funny how when those things are happening you dont realize how you would miss them if they werent there.

The Breast Cancer 3 Day is such an amazing event, and it makes me feel like I have a purpose. I feel so great being a participant. Im saving and chaning lives, literally. So when thats not there this year I feel a huge void. Sometimes I think I need the 3 day more than it needs me! I feel like Im wandering through the summer wishing I had something to work towards. Instead Im wedding planning, and feel like Im failing miserably at it! Seriously, Im so clueless at this wedding planning and afraid Im going to end up with this hokey event. Im sure it wont, and it will all work out in the end. I have to keep reminding myself, its just a different type of planning. Ive planned tons of fundraising events. This one just feels a little bit more pressured! lol

I dont know if this void is what is zapping my motivation. But I seriously have none. I try to do things to find it, but its so lost. I thought signing up for a race might force motivation. I will find races to sign up for, but than I dont do the deed and sign up. The two races I previously had on my blog I never signed up for, nor trained for. Ive added two new ones today. We shall see if I take the dive and sign up for those. I sat down today and made out a workout schedule starting next Monday till October 18th. Its a little overachieverish, seeing that my workouts are so sporadic right now. Going from 1 workout day a week to 5 is probably not the smartest choice. But I have been known to be an all or nothing girl. I printed out this months workout schedule and put it on the fridge. I thought I would give myself a star for the days I worked out. And told Grant he can put whatever he wants on the days Im suppose to work out and dont. Im looking for any motivation at this point!

I want to get excited about something. Something that is health related. I remember the way I felt when I was in great shape going into the 3 Day. Or how I felt after I ran my half marathon last year. I want that excitement again. I need to find that again.

New Blog Design

2009-06-17T10:56:00.004-04:00

Why is it so painful to find a new blog design? I was getting tired of the old one, and thought maybe a new design would make me want to blog more. LOL

So I changed it 3 times. Which can get annoying since I change the fonts and colors, which seems like the hardest part. The easiest part is given to me by the great website, www.thecutestblogontheblock.com. They always have great new designs. Thank you!

So I would change it, than come to blog and think...no, no, no. That does NOT work! When all fails I always go back to polka dots. Its my weakness. Same thing happened with my wedding dress ;)

I know this is such an exciting entry. Just wanted to throw a shout to to one of my favorite websites :) Now time to be productive....

Stay At Home Mom Test Drive

2009-06-15T21:34:00.007-04:00

So I would say that Im getting a test drive of being a stay at home mom this week. Day 1 would definitely be a failure! LOL

I woke up early this morning to take Bandito in for surgery. First I was surprised by Rusty shitting all over the living room, including inside my running shoes. Not a happy mommie AT ALL! So after gagging cleaning that up, I had to get Bandito to the vet. Poor guy had no idea what he was in for! I got a little emotional dropping him off, which I didnt expect. But he is the baby, and this was his first time being under, so I was a little nervous. I planned on coming home and going back to bed...but that didnt really work out to well. I wanted to try to file my unemployment claim first. Of course that didnt go as easy as I thought it would. Of course after I got all my stuff together and sat down I found out 10 minutes later it was a no go. I wasnt able to file online, and have to call on Wednesday. I wasnt actually tired enough to go back to bed after all that, so just stayed up. But Rusty and Vinyl were already tucked back in bed. LOL

The rest of my day basically was a little bit like this......surf the web, watch daytime TV, surf the web, find something to eat, surf the web, chat online with friends, surf the web, watch some more tv, etc. Yeah talk about being a lazy ass. Before I knew it, it was 4pm and I had to go pick up Bandito. LOL And oh poor, poor, Bandito. He was so out of it. He was walking into stuff when we got home, and would not lay down for nothing. He was whining because he was in so much pain. I felt awful. Finally I got him to lay down for a little while, and I kept petting him till he fell asleep. It appeared it hurt to lay down a certain way to. The worse feeling ever is not being able to make your doggie feel better!

I ended up watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I enjoyed, and than Daddy came home! I told you it was like a stay at home mom. So Grant cut our jungle of a backyard, while I tried out a new recipe for dinner. Just a Mexican Pork Chop recipe. You just add salsa and cheese on top of the pork chops for the last 10 minutes. It was delish! Oh should I mention that Rusty shit again in the middle of making dinner. Yeah. I dont know what his deal is but hes really starting to piss me off.

Now all the kids are relaxing, sort of. Bandito keeps wandering around like hes going to miss out on something. But bedtime is a brewing so he should be relaxing soon to. Hopefully tomorrow I can be a little more productive. I guess I dont get the mom of the year award?

I deserve a few days of do nothing at all though. Hopefully that will bring my stress levels down. But dont we all deserve a day like that? I did break out in another annoying hive today but I think that was mostly due to Bandito having surgery.

Bedtime is calling. Sweet dreams blogworld.

Excuse The Dust.....

2009-06-14T23:12:00.005-04:00

phew, it sure is dusty on this blog! I have sat down many times over the last month to blog, but nothing really came out. I dont know why there has been tons of things to blog about.

Anyhoo, I am now under the 5 month mark of the wedding date. Work is insanely busy. School is killing me this semester. And Im not doing so great at the balancing act of life - my stress levels are at an all time high. So I need an outlet. Time to get some of these crazy thoughts out of my head. Maybe I can at least sleep a little bit better than.

Im a little anxious for tomorrow. Bandito is getting neutered. He is way overdo for it, yes Ive been a bad dog owner. Please dont scold me for it. This is the first big thing for him. I get so nervous when my dogs are put under. It will be fine Im sure. I just hope he does okay, and heals quickly. And I hope he doesnt lose his personality. I have heard stories like that, but I think people overexagerate. My poor baby boy :(

I actually have this entire week off. Unpaid, which blows, but it will be nice to have a week off. Ive been so stressed out so a little downtime will be good for me. So thats why Im finally taking Bandito in, so I can be home with him all week :) So on my first day off I have to get up at 7am and take him in. For those of you that no me, that does not make a happy Melissa. If Im looking at the glass half full (which I need to do more of) than I realize that the two dogs that will be at home are the lazy nappers. So Im pretty sure they will be up for a cuddle session nap when I get back from dropping him off. We wont let Bandito in on that little statement. Tee hee.

Well I better get off to bed.....try not to cough to bad as I finish getting rid of the dust bunnies in here.

One Year Ago Today....

2009-05-03T21:50:00.006-04:00

I ran my first half marathon. And it was absolutely amazing. I found myself pretty sad about it today actually. Sad, and a little mad that I couldn't get my crap together to run it this year. I will cut myself some slack that I have had quite the difficult year. (but seriously I cant use that excuse forever) It still made me a little sad when Ive been listening to all the race stories this weekend. I definitely had some envy!

So enough is enough. Today is a great day to recommit myself. I know. I know. You've heard this a thousand times. But this day last year was really such a huge milestone for me. I can remember it like it was yesterday. The emotions I felt that day I cant even put into words. It was just a really amazing experience. When you accomplish things you never think are in your reach...its life changing. No one can take that memory or feeling away. Its always nice to just go back to that moment, and get that warm fuzzy feeling all over.

Shortly after that wonderful day. About 10 days later I was hit with the passing of my dad. Life has been flipped upside down since than. Im in this constant struggle of control. Ill start to move forward, getting a good momentum of motivation, and than bam pulled back in the opposite direction. Im tired of it. I want that feeling back that I got on that day I ran my first half marathon. I can control that. I can control how I react to things. Running is one thing that has always maintained normalcy during all of this. And a lot of my reactions should involve it.

So as I reminisce on that amazing day, again Im saying it out loud for all of you to read. I am recommitting to myself. I owe it to myself. I deserve it. Im in control of my life. So I got derailed. I get derailed often. Its what I do after that derailment that matters. I ran a half marathon last year. I am capable of big things. Even if at times I feel like Im not worth it. Or Im more a failure than a successor. In the end of the day, the only person I have to impress is myself. Who happens to also be the only one who has me thinking these negative thoughts! I challenge myself to replace that negativity with positivity. And prove to myself that I am worth it. I challenge myself to react in a healthy positive way.

I also need to stop looking at the big picture, and take each day as it comes. Just try to make each day better than the last. Each meal better than the last. Each workout better than the last.

On that note, today was a good day. And tomorrow I will make even better.

Cincinnati...watch out. Melissa will be back for another Flying Pig Half Marathon in 2010 :)

Tagging Myself

2009-04-18T18:53:00.004-04:00

So Lee tagged herself, and Im carrying that thought on by tagging myself. LOL This looked like a fun tag, and Ive been in a blogging block so maybe this will get me out of it.

8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:

1. Hanging out with some old friends tonight
2. Wedding in October
3. Becoming stronger in cycling class
4. Getting my body into a healthier fitter version
5. Starting the interior design program
6. Grants wedding present
7. Going to a Tigers Game
8. DEMF!

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Had a great lia sophia show when I thought otherwise on my way there
2. Met some potentially new friends
3. Ate McDonalds, and although it was bad it was sooo good and worth it
4. Went to renew my drivers license and did not have wait in any line!
5. Carpooled with Danita
6. Had an Alabama Slammer!
7. Went to work - Boring!
8. Chatted online with Tam

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Pick up running at a faster rate
2. Make more time for leisure reading
3. Learn to eat healthy
4. Dance confidently
5. Blow dry my hair out
6. Pay off all my debts already
7. Start my own charity
8. Make lasting no drama friendships

8 Shows I Watch:

1. The Hills
2. Grey Anatomy
3. Intervention
4. Breaking Bad
5. American Idol
6. Say Yes To The Dress
7. The Office
8. Locked Up Abroad

8 People I Tag:
I don’t know if 8 people even read this, so consider yourself tagged if you want.

HYC - Week 14

2009-04-07T21:37:00.002-04:00

Helllllloooooo out there :) Ive been MIA. Some good times some not so good times. But Im hanging in there. The new gym is up and running and more classes are being added every week. So Im trying a little bit of this and little bit of that. The classes are fun. And Im definitely getting great workouts in everything I try. And let me tell you....going to these workout classes with these rooms surrounded by mirrors on three sides is GREAT MOTIVATION! When your staring at yourself and thinking damn that is me? That cant be me! I have work to do! Its not a fun thing to look at, or to come to realize yes girl you have gotten off track.

Ive also added in some running again. I was able to run 35 minutes/2.75 miles on my first run back. I was very pleased with that! Ive found two races that I would like to run. One is a 5k on May 2nd, and the other is a 10k on May 30th. I haven't signed up yet. But have them in mind. Ill see how the next few weeks pan out running wise.

And I think I may try the cycling class at the gym. I hear great things about it, and how although I may feel like Im going to die...Ill feel great in the end. I have to admit I love those type of workouts. Im feeling good about working out. Now just need to get my food in check more often. I have six months left till the wedding and it is totally doable to reach my goal.

Our Wedding Website

2009-03-26T21:57:00.008-04:00

Ive been meaning to share this for a little while now, but kept forgetting to blog about it! Probably about a month ago we started to create our wedding website. We sent out our Save The Dates, which included a magnet with our website. So we figured we should probably get that up and running since we are advertising it now. lol

So first we had to chose a domain name. Everything we came up with was taken, except www.melissaandgrant.com. It worked but wasnt our first choice since we thought the double A would throw people off. But we couldnt come up with anything more clever, so www.melissaandgrant.com it is :)

We had a few ideas bouncing around in our heads on what we wanted. So we started doing some mock ups, and were excited with the ideas we came up with. Grant is an awesome web designer so he would be doing all of the design work. So later that day I had a lia sophia show, and than went over a friends house for a spa/game night. I came home later that night to a wonderful surprise. Grant pretty much had the meat and potatoes of the website done. (Even when I talk about wedding stuff I reference food. Geez Mel!) When I looked at it I just grinned ear to ear. I had a image in my head of what it would look like, and this was above and beyond that! I LOVED it! It is so us to. Which a lot of people have told us :)

So next thing to do was the content. So as I worked on finding photos and writing up our love story...Grant had this great idea of a quiz. He was going to hide the answers within the site. He was so excited about this. I told you I have the best finance ever :) And I have to say, its been a bit hit. Its the first thing everyone talks about in reference to the site. :)

Just a few short hours later we had all the content filled out. Unfortunately we don't have a ton of info yet. (Im thinking we should though....we are almost at the 6 month period...should I be freaking out yet? LOL) But once we get more info...such as accommodations, venues, at home reception details, etc....than we will update the site with all that additional info. Or if another clever idea comes to mind that may get added sooner. The two of us are always bouncing ideas off each other...so you never know what we might come up with!

We had so much fun putting this site together! Check it out and tell me what you think :)

www.melissaandgrant.com

Keep Breathing

2009-03-23T20:38:00.005-04:00

So to help with the difficult times Im compiling a playlist of feel good songs. Okay not all feel good. But songs that help me get through times like this. A dear friend of mine, Katie, has recommended this man, many times. She has gone through similar things like I have, and every song she refers me to...helps. Tremendously. Which means I need to download Kelly Clarkston like Katie recommended! One artist that helps me a lot is Ingrid Michaelson. Today I think Ive belted out singing this numerous times.

Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

More Ingrid Michaelson music on iLike

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Thank you once again Miss Ingrid. XO

Why?

2009-03-22T11:05:00.004-04:00

So the last few days have been emotionally draining. Im going to try to get all of this out so I can try to move forward. So I can stop self destructing myself. So I can try to understand my feelings.

Yesterday was my mothers wedding. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. And I didnt stop thinking about it all day. I felt a big dark cloud come over me, and sadness took over. Grant and I went to get breakfast and that took my mind off things for a little while. I called and checked up on some friends that were going through some difficult things and that helped as well. A friend at works dad passed on Tuesday. He has been sick for quite sometime so this wasnt a sudden thing. But it definitely has brought up feelings I dont want to deal with. But I need to deal with them. The anniversary of my dads passing is coming up in two months. I cant ignore that. Even though I want to. When I called Danita to check up on her (her Aunt passed this week as well), we decided to meet up. Now this is the part where I sound like Im crazy. I was telling her about my moms wedding, and how it was literally a few miles away, and I wanted to go see who was there. She said she would go with me. So we went and parked across the street and stalked my moms wedding. What the hell is wrong with me? What was that going to do for me? Nothing positive.

I havent talked to my sisters in weeks, actually months. Ive talked a little bit over email but just a few one liners. The last time I talked with them about my moms wedding was around Christmas and they said they most likely would not be able to support my mom through this wedding. So when we pulled up, the first thing I noticed was their cars. I wasnt sure if Tammy was there, but Kelly and Robin were there for sure. I also noticed a few of my parents friends there. So we sat there for a little while and than they all started to come out. Sure enough both of my sisters and their entire family came out. It hurt. I than saw my mom come out with her new husband which is what I wanted to see. I wanted to see them with my two own eyes. See that it was real. See that she actually went through with it. And she did.

Now I probably sound like some selfish brat. I realize that. Its not that I dont want my mom to be happy. I do. And its not that I expect my sisters to take sides, because I dont. I dont know exactly what I want, nor expect. I guess for once Id like my sisters to be up front about things. Maybe I read into their words to much. But they made it sound like to me that they didnt necessarily agree with how my mom was acting, nor her actions. For goodness sakes she calls my sisters (who are her stepdaughters) and tells her how she has meant the man she was truly meant to be with. He treats her like no one has before. And they have told me how that bothers them. Because their father took care of my mom for 18 years! So to see them there felt so hypocritical to me. They have their reasons for doing what they are doing I suppose, and kudos to them to be able to suppport her. Than again she is not their mother, just their step mother so maybe thats easier for them.

Maybe its jealously? Because my mother is able to move forward. Shes happy, supposedly. Shes remarried already, moving forward, starting her new life. And she has the support of family. Where here I am, feeling all alone, struggling some days to even get out of bed, and feel the support of no family. I feel like an orphan. No parents, no siblings, no extending family. Grant and the dogs are my only family, and sometimes I feel I put to much pressure on Grant with that. Why does my mom get the happiness? Why does she get the support? What she is doing is crazy, and how she is acted is really ridiculous. With everything shes done since my dads passing. But just because that is who she is, she is accepted and supported. Why? Ive confided in my sister, and my BIL about all of this. How Im feeling. How Im struggling. I still feel they arent truly there for me. They dont reach out to much, and I thought maybe they would of contacted me and told me they were going to her wedding, and just wanted me to know. Or called to see how I was doing since they knew I had an invite. I undestand I cant hold expectations to people. They dont know how I feel or what I need. So in that respect I cant hold it against them, but at the same time why do I have to reach out every single time?

Also with my mom. Seeing her yesterday..maybe felt like more closure to me? Made me think Im making the right choice but estranging myself from her? She knows how I feel, and she was able to go through such an important thing in her life without me by her side? Her happiness means more to her than her relationship with her daughter? Than again I guess Im doing the same thing. My happiness means more to me than my relationship with my mother. But in my case its my mental health. She was destroying it. I just dont understand why she wouldnt try to repair our relationship. Why she would go ahead and remarry, even though that may be at the cost of losing her daughter for ever. Is this me being selfish? Why wouldnt the two of them want to have a relationship with me? Why are they rushing everything? They could of taken sometime and tried to mend the relationship with me, as well as with her new husbands sons. Obviously there is a lot of history between my mother and I some of you readers dont know so its hard to understand without the whole story being told.

I dont understand why Im feeling the way I do. I made the choices Im living today. I chose this. But why is it so lonely? Why do I feel like Im set myself up to have no family? Why am I feeling these feelings? It feels so unfair to me, but I CHOSE this. So why do I feel like I regret them? Often I say to myself...Melis this is your only mother, only living parent. She cant help the way she does things, she doesnt know better. You are the stronger one. You are the mentally healthy one. So you should be the bigger person. But than I know if I was speaking to my mom, I would have a lot of anger towards her decisions, and we would still have a very unhealthy relationship. So why cant I just get pass this and move on. Instead I let the sadness consume me. I let this black cloud follow me around, and feel very woe is me. How do I get pass this?

Why does she get to be happy? Why dont I? She is happily married now. And here I am planning a wedding with no family at all, and cry everytime I think about my actual wedding day. Being alone. With no family. And Grant will be there with a very supportive family. I know his family is my family but it just doesnt feel the same.

What did I do to deserve this? Why did he have to go right when I felt things were falling right in place. I finally felt after 27 years that I had a family. A family that loved me. A family I belonged to. And in a second hes gone. Everything is gone. They say everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that. But what is the reason for him leaving me so soon? Because nothing positive is coming out of it at all!

I feel alone. Very alone. As I saw them yesterday I thoughts, wow even with all the actions my mom has taken she still yet has her entire family minus me. While I sit here looking on in on what use to be my family. I try to make healthy choices, and still feel like the unbalanced, outsider.

I try to find the strength, but its getting harder each day.

Give up? Not today!

2009-03-10T21:26:00.002-04:00

So Ive felt pretty inspired since my post last night. Ive been keeping those thoughts in mind all day today. And its a good thing I did because today was an eventful day for me. In a not so great way. A few situations came up that would usually derail me right back to those things that keep holding me back. But today was different than other days. I took control, and said no.

First, I received a call from my mom today at work. My mom and I are estranged right now. She thought it would be a great idea to call me at work and let me know that my aunt passed away. And throw in digs about how great she is doing. (she is getting married next weekend) I was overwhelmed with emotions. For one, the passing of my aunt. She is my favorite aunt and has been sick for a long time. She has AIDS, so has been fragile for quite sometime. She got anemonia, which is how she passed. I also was overwhelmed with the fact that I was speaking to my mother for the first time in 6 months, and it wasnt my choice. So I decided to go out to lunch, and I was thinking fast food. I needed fast food, fast. Instead my coworker tagged along and she suggested Zoup. I said, that is a great idea. So we went to Zoup and I had soup and a half salad.

Another thing that happened today is I came home and decided that I would move on to level 3 on my Jillian Michaels 30 day shred workout. I got through the first circuit and thought I was going to die. I seriously couldnt handle it. I said, forget this and went to go shut it off. Than I remembered not to give up. So went back into position and just modified the moves where need be. Damn that was a hard workout. Its seriously 5 times harder than level 2! But I made it through without dying. And felt pretty good afterwards.

And lastly, I continued working on a paper for my art class. Ive been working on this paper for the last few days, and I am not making very good progress. As I sat there thinking there is no way this rough draft is going to be done tomorrow in time, so they negative talk started. Who do I think I am going back to school? I cant even write this paper. This was a huge mistake. Im so dumb. Forget it Im not even going to turn this in. Overreact much? I often do. I recollected my thoughts remembering my post again from last night. I refocused, completed a better outline for my paper, and decided Ill take the 5 point penalty and not turn in the rough draft.

In the midst of all this drama inside my head, Grant was letting me know he was going to Burger King for dinner. He asked what I wanted. I sat there for a minute...than said nothing. One of my goals this week is to not eat fast food. Ill eat the leftover subway in the fridge.

Go Mel!

Small changes. Being in control. Taking a minute to re-assess. Keep on moving forward no matter what! In with positive, out with the negative. I feel happy about my choices today :) Take that old Melissa :p

Healthy Reflections - HYC Week 10

2009-03-09T21:01:00.014-04:00

So I always get these Healthy Reflection emails from Sparkpeople.com. They really get me thinking, and I received one in my inbox that I thought was perfect to blog about this week.

Who is standing in your way?

Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves. - Robert Frost

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

Wow, seriously sparkpeople should let me know when they are hanging out inside my head! Its like they were calling me out. Every single thing they named seems to be me to a tee lately. And actually just before I decided to blog tonight the one thing on the top of the list is procrastination! Ive known about this paper Ive had to write since classes started in January, and the rough draft was postponed 2 weeks, yet I still havent started it. Actually Ive tried but just sit and stare at a blank screen. So I blogged instead. Procrastination at its best.

Lately Im so unorganized that it causes so much chaos for me. But I created it, no one else. I complain about people holding me up from being late, but than Im late myself. But I hardly will ever admit that to myself. The energy it takes to find the negativity in everything has definitely been wearing me down. And giving up seems to be my mantra lately. Since when did I give in so easily? Im a fighter, and love to feel like one! So who has taking over my body? I have news for them....I want the Melissa I know back.

Im in charge. Im ready to act like Im in charge. No more of this choosing who to blame. Im the only one to blame. I shall take responsibility. And for goodness sakes, no more negativity. No more focusing on my weakness. No more being so unsure of myself. Because where is it getting me? Absolutely nowhere! I have recommitted myself this week to my healthy lifestyle. To eating better, treating my body better, and being nicer to myself. If I hit a roadblock, so what! It makes the journey so much more worth it in the end. I owe it to myself to keep moving forward.

Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference. Sounds like great things to work on this week. First Ill start by getting to bed at a decent hour. So that will be my cue to say goodnight ;)

Ashamed To Admit This...

2009-03-08T21:16:00.003-04:00

But I need to say it out loud. I need to see it on paper, or on the monitor in this case. I need to put it out there, so its out and no longer a secret. I dont know if it will make me feel accountable or if it will just make me feel more embarrassed but I just feel the need to say it.

Ive had food issues for as long as I can remember. And getting to the bottom of things and understanding why I make the choices I do seems to be a never ending process. I guess its all a work in progress. But what I did this weekend was really rock bottom.

So Ive never binged ate before. Well I never considered it binge eating. Where I actually consumed an insane amount of calories in a short period of time. But when I do things like I'm about to mention it does feel like it could be a mild case of binge eating. Or maybe borderline binge eating/emotional eating.

Anyways, on Saturday I was going out to the bar with some girlfriends and I thought I would go see if I could find something new to wear. I need to go shopping for new clothes badly, repeating the same few outfits that fit is getting old really quick. And of course its nice to feel cute in something new when your going out with the girls. So I attempted to go find a cute shirt. Of course everything was to tight, or to big. I cant fit in a medium without my back fat bulging out, or my rolls in the front looking like I may be pregnant. And when I went up a size it was just to baggy where it was just as unflattering. I couldnt find a thing. Of course it put me in a panicky mode. Not panic that I couldnt find anything, panic that Ive let myself get to this point Ive been so many times before. Instead of just rolling with the punches of course I let it get the best of me. I let the negative talk creep in, and just started putting myself down. Feeling like a loser. I should have remembered a comment Karen left on a blog I wrote earlier this week, Be nice to yourself. But I didnt.

When I left the store all I kept thinking was what can I eat? Eating will make me feel better. Something cheesy or greasy will do the trick. And wouldn't you know there was a Little Ceasers right inside the shopping center. So off I went. I ordered crazy bread with a Pepsi. The guy looked at me and said, thats all? I said yep. I felt guilty like he knew I was going to stuff that bread in my face like there was no tomorrow. I went back to my car, and sat in that parking lot and ate that entire order of bread in what felt like less than five minutes. Why did I eat it in my car? Because I didnt want to face Grant. I was embarrassed. I ate in hiding. And trashed the evidence in a trashcan at the bank on the way home.

Seriously? What is my problem? I never did anything like that before. And it felt very wrong, but very good at the same time. I guess I have a bigger battle with food addiction than I think I do. I cant believe I just typed this out.

WOO HOO! LA Fitness is officially open!

2009-03-06T22:34:00.004-05:00

Finally, after many weeks of anticipation the LA Fitness gym by my house opened up. Ive been looking forward to this mainly because I need something to kick my ass in gear. Figures that it opens when my monthly friend is here. But I stuffed my bloated self in some workout clothes and headed on up there. I was expecting a bit more than what I saw, but dont get me wrong its still a very nice facility. I think maybe because its such a large space and there wasnt a ton of people in there.

The weight machines and free weights are all on the main floor. And than there is this second floor that is like half a floor. I think that disappointed me. I thought it was going to be a full second floor. All the cardio was up there. Treadmills, bikes, ellipticals. The treadmills are actually right up to the railing. So when your running on them anyone walking in or downstairs looks up at you as your dying from exhaustion. :p As well as you can look down and see the people on the weights. Not sure how I like that set up just yet....

Than I did see the swimming pool right to the left of the entrance. The front windows from the parking lot look in on the pool area. Basketball court is kinda tucked away in the back, but the spinning class room, aerobic room, and racquet ball courts are all along the sides, midway on the main floor. Those are all open to, as in you can see in the rooms very clearly. All window walls. I guess noticing all the openness has my self consciousness creeping up. Im think to myself, that sucks for us out of shape folks. Not that anyone even cares what I look like when Im working out. :p

Very nice new machines. I hopped around on a few different cardio machines. The treadmill fitness test said I did POOR! lol But it felt good to be running again :) It will be nice to get back into a routine. The classes wont start for another few weeks. They didnt have a schedule yet. Im curious on the classes, and think Ill definitely try out a few. They aren't additional cost so thats nice. And there is such a variety! The hours are really nice. I can squeeze in before work, after work, or late night to.

I felt so bleh when I was in there today. Bloated, overweight, out of shape. So it will be nice to start to feel some progress, and healthy again.

Law of the Garbarge Truck

2009-03-03T12:13:00.003-05:00

So I received this email today, and thought it was so great that I had to share. Enjoy :)

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...

Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Have a wonderful, garbage-free day!--Author Unknown

Healthy You Check In - Week 9

2009-03-02T21:24:00.003-05:00

First let me give a HUGE thanks to all of you that posted a comment on my last blog. It helped so much. And I'm taking all of your advice to heart. This week small goals. I'm putting to much pressure on myself and than beating myself up because I cant meet my own expectations!

I cant believe its already week 9. And its sad to think of where I am, and where I could be. But no time to dwell on a shoulda, coulda, woulda. Each day gives me a new opportunity to improve. And I have to keep that positive outlook.

I have some great news! LA Fitness officially opens on Thursday! WOOOHOOOO! I think that is going to be a HUGE help! I know a few friends are planning on doing the classes there, so Ill plan to meet them and there I have my accountability.

I'm still feeling in a funk (although that could be a case of the Mondays), but Im definitely feeling a brighter outlook coming on.

Thank you again for your support....you pulled me up right when I needed it. XO

What Does It Take?

2009-02-26T07:40:00.004-05:00

Im falling down a slippery slope again. Ive been down this road before, many many times before. I knew it was coming, but still didnt prepare for it. I was doing so well, and feeling so great...that I knew it was going to hit me soon. What does it take to get back on track? What does it take to stay on track?

I would say that I feel off the wagon probably about two weeks ago. Right around Valentines Day. It was the monthly anniversary of my dads passing, which Im noticing hits me a few days after that actual day. And Valentines day reminded me of him since the Dirty Show was in town. Its this art show he would go to every year. Grant and I have been going through a rough patch as well, and things were pretty tense in the household. Im also finding it really hard to fall into a schedule that works for me. With school, studying, work, lia sophia shows, dogs, Grant, and my social life...I just cant fit everything in. I need to re-evaluate that as well...

So of course what did I do? Eat whatever the hell I wanted. Stopped exercising. Because that will always help my situation right? *smacks myself upside the head* Exercising and eating healthy are positives in any situation, especially in situations like Ive recently been having. I know that, but why cant I get it? Its like I love to self sabotage myself because I dont think I dont deserve it or something.

So now my weight is right back up to where I was January 1st. Nice. Im still eating fast food daily, drinking way to much pop, and eating sweets like they are going out of style. I need to stop this madness. Now. I think about going wedding dress shopping (I even found my dream dress!), yet that is still not a motivator to me? Its in 7 months which is not a long time! Is anything a motivator? Doesnt seem like it.

My plan to run in the half marathon flying pig is thrown out the window. I just dont want the stress of the training plan right now, and not sure if I could fit in runs as often as Id like. Im on the look for another race, maybe just a 10k? I need the accountability, and running is the one cardio I stick with. Im hoping once this LA Fitness opens that will help to, but the date keeps getting moved back. Which is pretty frustrating. Now the open date is March 7th. Originally it was February 16th.

This is my cry for help.

Save The Dates

2009-02-15T20:07:00.013-05:00

Our Save The Dates came in the mail today, and we love them! Well almost. We realized we should have gotten glossy for the invite instead of matte. So we are re-ordering glossy. The matte looks like we printed them at home.

Grant and I designed our STD's ourselves. We made an invitation with a personalized poem that the two of us made up. It took us weeks to come up with a final draft. LOL But are pretty pleased with our cheesy poem. :) We are cheesy, we will admit it. We than created a postcard that will be mailed back. This is so we can get a general idea of how many people plan on attending. Of course we know its hard to commit this early with the economy the way it is, and things may come up by October, but its just an estimate for us. Im sure our wedding planner would appreciate a close guesstimate to find a reception spot! We also made magnets, although I told myself when I get married I wouldn't do the magnets. I am finding myself doing a lot of things I said I wouldnt do. :p We figured they could use the magnet to hold up the invite on their fridge. Or just toss the invite (all our hard work on that poem!), and just use the magnet. We used vistaprint for all the printing, so got everything done fairly cheap. I wasnt sure if I should post them before I mail them, but I dont think anyone really reads this blog (except you Meg, XO). So here is the finished product...(you can click on the pictures to see a bigger version)

Magnet:

Invite:

Postcard RSVP Front:

Postcard RSVP Back:

If you want to see them larger all on one page, you can click on this link.... http://melissaandgrant.com/savethedate.html

So we re-ordered the invite portion, as well as the postcard RSVP (to change the date to RSVP by), and should hopefully get them in the mail by next weekend! We are still working on the guest list, so I guess we will have to have that complete by next weekend eh? As well as with our website since we are advertising it. LOL

Have I mentioned how I love that Grant is so into the planning? He goes through phases, just like me. But when we are working together, we get so much accomplished. The poem was his idea...hes to cute!

Happy Valentines Day!

2009-02-14T21:52:00.007-05:00

Phew, time is flying by! Valentines Day already? It will be October before I know it. :)

Ive had a nice Valentines Day. I got to sleep in till 11am, which is the first time Ive slept in on a Saturday in months! Due to the TV repair man always coming. No the TV still isnt fixed, but he will be back on February 28th to try to fix it, for hopefully the last time! When I woke up I had two cute cards sitting on my laptop, one from the dogs and one from Grant. I also had 4 roses sitting in a glass. 2 yellow and 2 red crepe paper roses. Grant made them! How cute is that. It made my heart melt. He said, when I was home sick all last week I learned how to make them on Martha Stewart. Hes to cute. I love this man!

Most of the day we were just being lazy, and caught up on some tivo for a few hours. Big Love and Greys Anatomy episodes. Oh how Ive missed Big Love, soooo happy its on again! After that I went to go cuddle with the doggies in the bed, and ended up taking a 2 hour nap. Guess I needed a lot of sleep eh? LOL

Grant was cooking dinner tonight, his steak dinners that I LOVE so much. He made steaks, green beans, and redskin potatoes. A man after my own heart. tee hee It was delicious. Probably one of the best steaks he has made. It was so good I almost didnt save any for the dogs. I dont do well with sharing, I did grow up as the only child in the house. :p But I saved a few bites for the 3 of them, and they enjoyed it very much to!

Its been a nice day :) Now time for some more TV time and cuddling, and hope that my weigh in tomorrow doesnt go off the charts! Its been a challenging week for me eating and exercise wise.

Hope your having a great Valentines Day! XO

Hatha Yoga

2009-02-02T21:30:00.006-05:00

I started going to a yoga class on Monday nights. Its held at a nearby church, and the cost is just a donation. It is Hatha Yoga, and is a 90 minute class. Now Ive dabbled in a few Yoga classes here and there, but never stuck with it. I always felt like I wasn't "getting it". But lately Ive really been wanting to get into Yoga, and some sort of mediation. I think it would help my stress levels, and Yoga is just so good overall for your entire health. I hear so many runners talk about how they do Yoga. The flexibility to the joints and spine, improving balance, helps prevent injuries by strengthening muscles, improving concentration and endurance, etc. So many positive things! I can only imagine how those things would make my running so much more enjoyable!

Hatha Yoga concentrates on physical health and mental well being. It has slow movements, more like stretch movements combined with breathing techniques, and mediation. The setting is very calm, serene, and safe. All the lights are out, and a few night lights, and candles are on. And of course there is very calm instrumental music playing. With the slow movements, you really do focus on stretching out all the muscles. When I get done stretching one muscle, it feels good. Literally. Like wow that was so tight! Its weird how I can feel the strengthening with the stretching. The strengthening is already showing some good progress, my body aren't shaking as much as they use to. I think this style is good to start off, since the movements are slow I really am learning the proper breathing technique to. Where in other classes I took I was focusing on how to do the moves so not really paying attention on the breathing. Learning how and when to breath deep, and shallow really makes a difference on the poses!

Through most of the class there is mediation. The instructor recommends keeping your eyes shut through the entire class. Focusing on mediating. Finding your center, focusing on yourself, letting all the days worries go away, etc. Its really interesting. Closing my eyes can be tricky on some standing up moves, but if you focus on your breathing, and being in that moment, it really isn't as hard. Its a good way to mediate for someone like me, who wants to mediate, but never would take the time. When I'm mediating on these poses, I'm noticing where the stretch feels, and how its feeling. Its like I'm just in that moment, and feels good to be focusing on my body, and just me. For the last 15-20 minutes of the class we focus solely on mediating without poses or stretches. We are laying down and let our entire body relax. The instructor makes the music louder, and has you focus on that. Listening to the different instruments and vibrations. My mind truly relaxes. Something I thought it never could do. (I'm one of those people whose mind doesn't shut off when I try to go to sleep) The music takes your mind away! After 10 minutes or so he has us feel our body, part by part, from the toes all the way to the head. The feeling of each body part is pretty intense actually. We than awake each body party, and roll on each side, and eventually roll up into our comfortable position with one last deep breath in and out.

I really, really like this class. When I'm done with class I just have this awesome stress free, relaxed, I have no worries in the world feeling. My body feels loose, but strengthened at the same time. I definitely will be keeping Yoga as part of my workout routine. Not only am I getting a great workout, I'm also taking 90 minutes to just focus on me. Which is something I think everyone should do daily!

80's Night! Totally Tublar!

2009-02-01T21:35:00.011-05:00

So on Friday some friends and I had an 80's party. It was a blast! We made it into a slumber party to. It was like we were teenagers again!

We all got decked out in our 80's finest, and jammed to 80's music all night. We did those great activities from back in the day, like MASH, Pop Rocks, Dip n Sticks, made cootie catchers (remember those?!), painted our nails neon colors, and all that fun stuff :)

We of course busted out the 80's movies...my favorite Valley Girls. Oh Nicholas Cage, how I loved him in that movie. And we also watched 16 candles and Girls Just Want To Have Fun. hehe As the night went on we did a game of Truth and Dare, although not to many people would pick dares. Except Wendi of course! Once dare we gave her was to send her hubby dirty text messages. :p

We than put a twist on the I never game, by making it into a drinking game. What whores we are! LOL We found out everyones dirty little secrets. tee hee I think Ill lay off the pucker for a long time now. 15 shots of that and I felt like I might toss my cookies! LOL

6 of us turned it into a slumber party. Busted out the air mattresses and snuggled in to one last movie. A much needed girl time! And we woke up to our wonderful hostesses cooking us breakfast. Thanks Wendi :)

I got voted best 80's costume :) I was loving my leg warmers. We are going to see the Mega 80's next weekend (a cover band), and I think I might just have to bust them out again. :) (To bad Im never smiling in any pictures! I so unphotogentic)

LOL Good Times. Good Times. Heres a link to the pictures if you want to see the rest of them :)

http://picasaweb.google.com/sgtpepperette/80SSlumberParty#

HYC - Week 4 - Take the bad with the good...

2009-01-30T13:06:00.003-05:00

This past week wasn't my greatest week. I gained 1.4lbs, which considering some of the stuff I ate isn't to bad. Im finding that when Im out at restaurants its really hard to make good choices. I think first of all there isnt that many healthy options, and also that I feel a little rushed so just make a quick decision, which is usually an unhealthy one. I also have been indulging in the fruity, ice cream alcoholic drinks, which we all know is not a smart choice!

So Im on a mission. To conquer eating out. Well maybe not conquer it just yet, but at least make some strides in being successful in my choices. I plan to research restaurants online before I get there. I will have more time to find a healthier options. I also plan to make up my own meal. I don't necessarily have to chose what they have on the menu, I can mix and match. I also am putting a stop to the fruity drinks. If I want, I can enjoy a lite beer. If you have any other suggestions on how to be successful eating out, Id love to hear them!

I mentioned before how I am doing a support group in regards to my healthy lifestyle with some friends as well. Well when you gain weight you get a pig sticker on our graph. I got one this week, and 2 other girls did to. We have made a pact that when we are out together we are to help each other make healthier choices, we were doing the complete opposite!

So Ill have good weeks, and Ill have bad weeks. Its just part of the game. Its what I do after those bad days, and bad weeks that matter. Brush myself off, and keep on moving. The bad eating went hand in hand with lack of exercise last week, so I have committed to only 2 rest days, no matter what this week. Re-focusing, its gets a little bit easier every time ;)

HYC - Week 3 - Realizations

2009-01-20T07:39:00.004-05:00

I had a FANTASTIC week! One of those weeks where you are pumped to jump on that scale. And it was down 2.4 pounds. WOOHOO! I really focused this week - on what I ate, and consistency on my workouts. And it paid off.

Ive come to a few realizations this week. Things I knew in the back of my head, but either was ignoring them, or maybe didnt truly believe them. The first one is exercising definitely helps depression. I would say that I currently have a mild case of depression that phases in and out from day to day. Usually Im depressed so dont want to work out. Id rather just be depressed. Well this week I really focused, and said I can give a 20 minute workout. It is just 20 minutes. So Ive been doing the Jillian Michaels DVD 30 Day Shred, that I talked about last week. (Im ready to move to level 2 today, by the way...traveling pushups here I come!) She really pushes you hard in those 20 minutes and I think its just what I needed. I worked out 5 times last week, and could feel how happy I was each day. It was really noticeable because Ill admit, happiness is not a thing I feel often these days. I like that feeling, so I wanted to do the workouts each day. I also liked being pushed by Jillian so I looked forward to trying harder with each workout. The crazy thing is I knew this is what exercise would do, but avoided it. Taking control of my happiness, that is exactly what Im doing. Being sad all the time can be exhausting.

Another thing I realized this week is support is a partial factor to my success. I need the accountability. I also need the tough love. And I got just that! Ill never eat another tator tot in my life! I got reamed a good one on that! When I have to report in what Im eating, my workouts, and what I weigh...it definitely is making the world of difference. Just being able to talk to friends about my struggles, and hear they are having the same struggles is really helpful. Also hearing what works for one person, and how it may just work for me is a bonus. Im so thankful for the support I have during this journey, because it definitely keeps me going on those bad days!

I havent felt this geeked about exercising and eating in a long time. It feels awesome. I cant wait to see what the upcoming weeks bring. Hopefully melted snow and warmer temps so I can start running outside! That half marathon is coming up sooner than I think! And I have a time to beat!

While the last 8 months have been a whirlwind of emotions, I have definitely fallen off track. On my mental and physical health. Enough is enough. Its time to take back control. I deserve to be happy, and my dad would want that! Sure Ill have pitfalls along the way, but Ill just brush myself off and go back at it again. Growth...its an amazing thing, dont you think?

Bird Is The Word

2009-01-18T21:53:00.003-05:00

So I have mixed feelings on "adult" cartoons. Such as South Park, adult swim, The Family Guy, etc. I find a few of the episodes funny, but for the most part have never really cared to watch them. Grant loves them, and honestly I can say the more I watch them with him the more Im starting to like them. They are growing on me I suppose.

So I remember him talking about this episode of The Family Guy, The Bird Is The Word. When he was telling me about it, I said...that sounds so stupid! Well I just watched it, and guess what? It was fricken hilarious. I couldnt stop laughing at it!

The dad plays this song out of the jukebox while at a diner, and starts dancing and singing around the restaurant. And the owner at the restaurant takes the record out, and the dad talks the guy into giving him the record. So he plays the record over and over, singing it over and over. And will start a conversation, and say things like, you didnt hear? Oh the bird bird bird, the bird is the word. LOL Everytime he went into singing it, I couldnt help but start laughing. LOL Hilarious! This reminds me of Pee Wee Herman, he use to sing this on his show when I was a kid. Tee Hee.

Heres the video...enjoy a good laugh.

Family Guy - The Bird's the Word - Click here for another funny movie.

Well everybody's heard, about the bird !
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

Everybody's heard, about the bird !
Everybody's heard, about the bird !

Don't you know about the bird?
Well everybody's heard, about the bird !

Okay silly time over, time for bed. Ill sing myself to sleep with this one. :p

Dealing With My Negativity

2009-01-16T22:57:00.004-05:00

So earlier this week over lunch, a coworker who also is a good friend of mine informed me that Im to negative. She said I should try to be more positive, and I may be surprised with the results. I said really, you think I am? And than another friend also said the same thing to me, in a more casual way though. And than I thought to myself...I know I can show some negativity, doesnt everyone have a little bit? But I didnt realize I was coming off so strong, with no positivity at all! It was a little embarrassing actually. And hard to hear!

So I asked Grant his thoughts, and he said...well you have been complaining a lot, so it could come off like that. And when I think about the last few weeks, and months....I thought hes absolutely right. I know Im going through a weird period with depression enter and leaving at random times....but maybe Im drawing into the depression a little more than I should. That whole dark feeling comes, and I let myself get swallowed into it, resulting in complaining, negativity, etc. Ive turned into that girl....the one that complains till shes blue in the face, but doesnt change anything to make her situation any better. Just loves to play the woe is me role. Yep, that is me. Talk about a slap in the face!

There are a few people in my life right now that are pretty negative, and I probably feed into that a bit as well. I like these people though, so its not like I dont want to be friends with them. Its just who they are, and I accept that. Take the good with the bad. I will admit I do sometimes think when listening to them complain...it must take so much energy to be so negative. Little did I know someone is thinking that about me! So now that its been brought to my attention, Im going to be more conscious of this. Not let every little thing get to me, and look at the glass half full instead of half empty!

So I found this article that seems pretty helpful, and thought I would share :) 2 out of 5 steps completed, so I guess Im on my way.

The first step in any sort of change is recognizing that you have a problem. If you realize that you are a negative person, congratulations! You have made the most important step in changing yourself into a more positive, likeable, and happy person.

Here are some suggestions for positive change: Ask a person whose judgment you trust if you are a negative person. Ask them to answer truthfully. If the answer is "yes," ask them to be specific. Ask them for an example of times when you have been hypercritical, using negative talk about others or just "moaning and groaning." Look for any apparent patterns in the topics you are negative about.

You may not like what you hear, but remember that this feedback is precious. It gives you the basic building blocks to begin your own person transformation.

Practice catching yourself each time you become aware of being negative. This takes time; remember you are trying to break an entrenched habit that you may have had for many years. Learning to recognize negativity, then stop it, gives you control over your thought patterns and ultimately your life.

Remind yourself how your negativity damages important relationships in your life. Nobody wants to be around someone who is guaranteed to bring them down, anytime, anywhere. Don't let yourself be that person. By becoming aware of your negative practices and slowly changing yourself to become more positive and optimistic, you will feel happier within yourself, experience less stress, and attract new friends who actually enjoy your company.

Look for the good in everything. There are few incidences in life that do not have a positive flip-side, no matter how dire the circumstances. Make it a habit to look for that silver lining. You don't have to be a Pollyanna. It is okay to acknowledge negative things when they occur, but try also to make a conscientious effort to see the positive. Your friends will love you for your new sunny character!

Michigan Winter - Bleh!

2009-01-14T21:28:00.002-05:00

So Winter is upon us, and I can accept that. It does come every year, so its not like woah where did this come from?

Now last winter was very, very mild. I remember that I ran outside the entire winter, and not once thought it was to cold where I couldnt breathe, or the snow derailed me from my runs. This year totally different story. Its like 10 times the opposite of last year, and Im not liking it one bit.

Ive never been much of a winter person. I hibernate in the winter. Im very happy inside, snuggled under a blanket, with a cup of peppermint hot chocolate. Or Baileys on the rocks :p When people say what about winter sports? I chuckle and say, nope thats not for me. Im fine just staying right inside in the warmth. Skiing? Great Ill hang out by the fireplace in the cabin. LOL Although a few friends are trying to get me out there this year...so lets see how successful they are!

Now the cold temps, I can handle. Layer, and invest in warm winter clothes and your all set. Snow, I dont mind. Sure its annoying when your at the end of March and its still snowing. Heck sometimes its even May! But I can appreciate the snow. I love the watching a snowfall, especially the big fluffy flakes. And I dont mind driving it to much, as long as Im not driving long distance. The snow and cold together is nice sometimes. Makes the cold a little bit more manageable.

But what I cant handle is what is happening now. These freezing temperatures with the snow falling and causing icy conditions. Ice, now that is something I hate! Today it got to -12 at one point, but for the most stayed right around 1 or 2 degrees. The snow was that light slow snow, that looks like it wouldnt cause much. Unless the temps are freezing. Than it makes for a very slick situation. So as I drove home on a sheet of ice, I white knuckled it all the way home. It took me over an hour to drive a 15 minute route. By the time I got home, I only had time to literally throw something in my mouth for dinner, and than head back out to class. A 10 minute drive that took 40 minutes. On the way home it wasnt as bad, but as you were driving on the freeway you could see the tracks of ice, and there was no avoiding it. So as you slowly work your way home you can feel your tires being pulled left and right from the ice. Its nerve wrecking!

And to think, its only mid January! Oy, its going to be a long WINTER!

Picture Tag

2009-01-13T20:59:00.007-05:00

So Megan tagged me a few days ago, and Im just now getting around to it :) The game goes like this....go to your 4th folder (where your pictures are stored) and find the 4th picture….and post it. then explain it.

Well there you see my great photography skills :p This was one of the best nights of my life, because it was the night I got engaged!!!! Grant and I just came home from a wonderful week long vacation in Arizona, and had a concert the night we got back in town. It was the Newton Faulkner concert, and just happened to be on my birthday to. I tried to capture a few shots of Newton, but with the lighting I wasnt so successful. As you can see! LOL

Just shortly after this picture was taking, Grant pulled me to the side during the song Dream Catch Me, said a very sweet speech, and popped the question :) I was so lucky to meet Newton Faulkner a few months later and tell him the news. Which he thought was pretty cool :)

P.S. Thanks Megan, I was just thinking about what I should blog about tonight....and no tagging since I dont think I have that many readers. LOL

HYC Week 2 - Focus

2009-01-12T21:10:00.005-05:00

Another week has gone by, and I lost .80. Its all good. Something is better than nothing! I was fighting off a cold this week, so stayed home from work for a few days. And thats always an eating disaster. I finally got to offset the bad eating with a few workouts on the weekend, so was happy the way the week ended.

There is a new LA Fitness opening a few miles from my house. I went and checked out what I could (just a small office is open with billboards of the facility), and the rates are great. I wasnt sticker shocked at all! Im going to wait a few more weeks and see if they give even better rates. But defitenly signing up. This facility is HUGE! Swimming pool, 2 floors of cardio and weight machines, basketball court, aerobic room, spinning has its own room, and 3 or 4 racquet ball courts. No contract, and all classes are included in the monthly price. Sweet! Im super excited about the grand opening, which isnt for another month. So to tie me over till than, I picked up the Jillian Michaels DVD - 30 Day Shred. Ive heard some great reviews on this DVD, and always love a good Jillian workout.

This DVD has 3 levels, 2o minute workout on each level. You start at level one and when you feel your ready move on to level 2. Its only a 2o minute workout but its a high intensity circuit style workout. Each level has 3 circuits. 3 minutes of strengthening, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs. And she doesnt let you rest either! I started it today, and I made it through level 1, panting but I made it :) Im excited to move on to level 2 in the upcoming weeks!

Wedding dress body....here I COME!

Im still struggling with my food, but Im definitely more aware of my choices. And taking baby steps everyday. Being conscious of what I put in my mouth, and being held accountable for it definitely helps! I got ripped a good one at our Sunday weigh in. Tough love by some friends, got to love it. Im so not being the one who gets put on blast next week!

I can feel that fire building in me. Im feeling motivated, and looking forward to a healthy year! I havent felt this in a long time, so I hope its here to stay. At least for a little while :)

Flashbacks and Emotions

2009-01-11T21:27:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you see things, and dont really think twice about them. Than an event happens, and an object you once saw and didnt give a second thought to just changes. That is how I feel about ambulances. Especially when they are in front of a house, and you see a stretcher outside the door.

Today when I was running up to the store, the corner house on my street had an ambulance in front of it. As I looked at the house as I passed it, I saw a stretcher in front of the door. Flashback. It takes me right back to that horrible day in May. I prayed that whoever that stretcher for was okay, or that they didnt even need the stretcher after all. If something was wrong, please dont let that family go through what I went through not to long ago. Please. When I came home 10 minutes later, the stretcher was being moved inside.

I have so many unresolved emotions about that morning. Flashbacks seem to bring these emotions up everytime, where they feel like fresh wounds once again. These are things I keep to myself (well I do share them with Grant so not completely to myself), and at this point cant seem to let go. I know the ambulance was not called right away, so of course I wonder what if. Once one what if starts, they seem like they are never ending. What if the ambulance was called sooner? Could he have been saved? Why wasnt the ambulance called sooner? What was she thinking? Were those paramedics the best we could have gotten? Why didnt she know he took a whole bottle of nitro in 10 days? How could she not know? Why didnt he tell her? Was he scared? Was he really ready to go? Did he know how much I loved him? Does he know how much my heart aches? Why was he taken at the best time in our relationship? Why? Why? Why?! And the lists goes on. I know I cant agonize over these what ifs. I will make myself to go crazy if I do. I understand this is part of the grieving process, but when will I get over this and accept that he is gone? Will I ever reach the acceptance stage in the grieving process?

I often wonder what the acceptance stage feels like. Will I know when Ive arrived? Once you reach that stage, have you completed the grieving process? Or does it start all over again? Sometimes it actually does feel like Ive accepted, and Ill be doing great for a few weeks. Than BAM! It hits me like a ton of bricks, and Im back at square one. This is such a complicated, HARD, thing to go through. Its very conflicting and confusing. But isnt that what life is?

Back to the what if questions....as these questions raced through my head like the Tasmanian devil...I just let them take their course. Normally this would result in some very unhealthy behaviors. Emotional eating, drinking alcohol, etc. Not realizing till after the fact, I didnt do any unhealthy act this time. Sure I let the sadness sit for a little while, as I kept thinking about that house on the corner. Than I reached out to my best support I have, Grant. We took some us time, and I felt better. It feels like progress. But I know each time the grief hits, its different. Everytime I react different, everytime the level of intensity of is different. But this is life now. Life is different, and that is okay. I'll be okay. I have to be. Damn I miss him so much.

The Power Of A Smile

2009-01-08T20:58:00.004-05:00

A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.

- V. Borge

Isnt that a great quote? I thought so :) Today as I was making my way through the halls at work, thinking about how craptastic I felt, and how I wish I was somewhere else I passed a woman. She smiled at me, and said hi. I smiled back. Than as I rounded the corner I passed a guy, and he smiled to. I smiled bigger at him. Most of the time walking through the halls at work you rarely get a look let alone a smile! Something about those smiles just put me in a better mood.

It is so true that a smile can really change a persons day. Its such a small act that makes the world of difference. As I contemplated this as I walked backup to my department, I decided that this month I will focus on doing that small act of kindness - smiling. When I start to get grumpy over something so silly (like oversleeping), I will smile. Great way to start the day, with a positive face! Or when that guy cuts me off on the freeway, Ill just keep smiling. People on the road will love the less road rage from me :p It will be interesting to see the results it brings to me. When Im in public or at work, and passing people I will also give everyone (well Ill try everyone) a nice friendly smile. Maybe Ill help make one persons day a little bit brighter. Just like those two people did to me today :)

Consistency Experiment

2009-01-07T21:12:00.007-05:00

So I have come to realize that I spend way to much time on the internet, so why not make some of that time worthwhile? If Im on the internet all the time, why dont I just blog? Thats a great question. Sometimes I dont feel like I have anything interesting to say, or am to depressed to put together the words. I also have a little bit of a problem with consistency. As you probably have read on my previous workout blog entries. :embarassed: So I got this great idea from a blog I read by Jenne, who is blogging every day.

So I thought Id try a little consistency experiment by blogging everyday this month starting today. And it wont be just a one liner, joke, or anything like that. It will be a worthy entry. Who knows what topics will be covered, and it may just be just rambling, but it will be something. I think it can only be beneficial in the end. And maybe steer me away from mindless web browsing and actually deal with some of my thoughts.

I have lots of thoughts racing through my mind these days, and I bet it would be good to get them out of my head and into some other place. Maybe Ill be able to actually shut my brain off when I try to go to sleep, and even sleep better. And who knows what I may discover in the process. Consistency blogging can lead to consistency in many other areas of my life. Boy do I need that! Miss. Procrastinator over here. So this is the first goal Ive posted for 2009, to be more consistent. (geez could I say consistent one more time in this entry?) Check back in and see how I did :) I may just surprise us both!

HYC Week 1 - New Year

2009-01-06T21:22:00.003-05:00

Well I made it through the holidays, and came out in one piece! LOL Im happy to say that I maintained my weight, which is a huge bonus thinking back on the foods I shoveled into my mouth!

Something about the New Year always feels refreshing to me. New Year, New Goals, New Beginnings. I know a lot of people look at New Years resolutions as so cliche. But Im so drawn to them. I still am working on what new goals I will have this year, but will post them once they are complete.

Some friends and I have started a little weight watchers type group. We are meeting every Sunday morning to weigh in together. And than we have a little meeting to go over any troubles we are having, and support each other. I think the accountability of the group, along with the great supportive healthy you challengers...this has to be my year!

Its Getting Harder To Fight It

2008-12-29T21:21:00.003-05:00

The sadness that is. It feels like a big black hole lately. And I just seem to let it consume me. I know the holidays brought on some of this, and my dads birthday is around the corner so that as well is another factor. Lately I just dont have filters on the things that are coming out of my mouth. I even said today to my boss at work, well the holidays werent great for someone who has a dead dad.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

We went and seen Gran Torino yesterday. It reminded me of my dad, I wont say how in case you want to see it. But I couldn't handle it. I left the theater bawling my eyes out. Literally sobbing. It was not a pretty sight.

I dont have the motivation to do anything. Nothing. But sleep, eat, drink, and surf the web. Im eating all kinds of crap. Im drinking way to much alcohol which in returns leads to a few days of extra depression. I know what Im doing, but still chose to do so.

Im hoping the new year will bring some optimism, and change. I will start classes so I will have some things to keep me busy. Id like to start training for my half marathon, so hopefully Ill be a little bit more motivated. And maybe just having that whole cliche of a new year, new beginning. Who knows.

The wedding planning is even stressing me out a bit. We have decided to invite some family, and its adding another level of stress. Although planning any event is stressful and causes anxiety to me. So why would this be any different. We decided on family because Im afraid Ill regret eloping with just the two of us. Im really on the fence about this.....but Ill save those thoughts for another day. Back to my favorite hobby these days...sleeping.